Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Xiola that was probably hard to read. Another way to look at it is that I think you may have taken too much of a parent to child approach, rather than adult to adult approach. If you knew it all you wouldn't still be dating?

Many of your points are valid as it is possible to hold onto the past or get stuck in negative mindsets, it's just going too far into being prescriptive rather than suggestive (particularly the being with abusive partners bit).

Maybe there are things that you would like help with and that shows your emotional (vulnerable) side too?

Not hard to read. I get it. Doesn't make anything I said less true though. It's hard to self reflect and when you don't like something, is easier to dismiss it than accept there is truth in it.

It's not that I know it all. But clearly, more than some.

You are so smug Xiola. You think you are so much better and knowledgable than the rest of us. So you have dates every week, good for you. Some of us prefer quality over quantity and the fact you have so many dates says you're not fussy at all. Loads of dates but no one is sticking? What was that about a common denominator?

Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe we have done the work and the introspection and this is where we are now having done that? That's why our standards are high and why we won't just date anyone. To suggest we are partially to blame for past abusive relationships is unforgivable. But you carry on with your many dates and your smug sanctimonious advice because you're so perfect aren't you. That's why you're here.

Xiola I extended a way for you to get off your high horse and you climbed higher up it. Maybe a touch of arrogance is the common denominator for you?

I'm not going to get into an argument with you. Getting angry at me isn't of benefit to you.

You don't like it which I understand but i am not going to apologise. If your current approach is working for you, great. Keep at it.

Good luck

Xiola you can't tell anyone how to feel or what will or will not benefit them. MN is about suggestions and ideas. What works for one person doesn't always work for other people as we are all different.

BTW I have enjoyed many of your posts, but the latest are getting too forceful on you knowing how it works, rather than suggestions.

Vet fingers crossed for MrDiamondMine (such a cool nickname for him!)

Gin Mr Navy sounds flaky, I'd be inclined to leave well alone.

TomHardysBit sounds like you had a lucky escape with MrAmerican. What a knob! Have you blocked him on phone & stuff?

Val I hope all goes well on Friday.

Yeah I have to agree the advice went from helpful to a little smug Xiola. We're all in the same boat at this dating thing.

One of my friends has just had a total dating disaster despite ignoring some advice from me early doors. No way will I be saying 'I told you so', I'm being a comforting ear as I know how hard it is to be let down by men and have your expectations dashed.

Onwards and upwards.

margo yes! He was blocked immediately. I didn't even reply. He's not worth it.

I'm losing hope (with the OLD sites, not this thread)

Went back on OKCupid, haven't been on it since last year and the format seems to have changed and you have to pay now to get things that were free before. Anyhow, it's the same old faces still on there. None of which I am interested in. I want to meet someone vaguely healthy and intelligent - they seem to be a rare species in my area. The only place I've seen them is Guardian Soulmates, but I'm not convinced anyone on there has a paid subscription.

Choc Couldn't agree more with your post above, what works for one won't necessary work for the next. We are all very different people with very different backgrounds and how we approach and deal with this whole OLD malarky is also different. As you say, MN is about ideas and suggestions.

Personally I feel that I text when I want to guys I'm messaging whether or not they've responded (not in a whiney 'why haven't you text me way' just chatting) hey if they don't respond after two or three I've sent then I move on. Hanging around waiting for them to text after your one message and wondering whats going on in their head is achieving nothing. For example, I had a morning text from Mr Silver yesterday I replied, sent him another chatty one then a third at the end of the day - nothing back. Hey ho, such is life, then this morning get a long text apologising for lack of contact!

I'm learning a lot from this thread, but equally you have to do what's right for you!

Tom - Mr American - what a tosser!! What is wrong with these people??

HalfDutch I'm like you and text based on how I feel. If an iron writes a lovely message and I'm brief back mornings with DCs so less time I will often send a midday, hope your day is going well type message.

If I can see someone has been online several times and not replied to my message, that's when I step back.

Dogz it has been suggested that many men may take summer to do all the crazy jump out of plane things to fill their profiles, then look to date in colder months. I don't know if that's true, but maybe there are less men on OLD in the summer?

Need it to start raining...raining men!

Margo. Sadly I think you are right. It's very strange as on Monday night I was genuinely lost in London and he showed real concern and expressed his surprise at how he could not sleep well till he knew I was ok.

Actually writing that down makes me see a little potential red flag. Full on / Full off.

Anyway I've done what you guys suggested - and will not text again - he's had my morning text. Up to him. And then I will send the Mathew hussey text re arrangements on Friday regarding Saturdays dates.

I have hidden his WhatsApp so I can't torture myself regarding seeing him check. It is weird as we shared a lot of naval experience and connections and usually honourable and polite are usual not flakey and ghostly!!!!

Margo he has some high-faluting finance job and when we started talking on POF he was just back from a business trip to Africa where he'd overseen the sale of a diamond mine. I thought we might not have much in common hence the daft nickname but he's actually very down to earth!

Just to wade in on the debate above, I agree with much of the gist of what Xiola says, but I can see how the way some of it was said is a bit patronising. It's one thing to give straight-talking advice, and I think this thread is great for that, but it isn't about talking down to people 'my way or the highway' style. I do think everyone means well though, we're all in the same stretch of water if not exactly the same boat

Xiola - You don't know me at all and your constant 'I'm a dating expert' messages are getting a bit mundane to be honest. If you're so expert at dating, why are you here? I was very naive when I got into OLD and got burned by someone I thought cared about me that I was dating for half a year who in fact then admitted he just wanted a casual thing after leading me on. I walked away, even though he wanted me to stick around as I have high self esteem and KNOW I deserve better. I am now back to seeing what OLD is about and chatting to a LOT of guys who just want to get in my pants. So my expectations are high as in, I will only meet someone if they make the EFFORT. I don't want just sex chat, and a lot of guys do that with me as I'm not bad looking and have a good body as I work out a lot. Rejection really doesn't hurt me at all, I'm really not hung up on ANY texts or anxious about any dates I've had - except for the fact some of the guys I initially chat to make out to not want sex but then actually start getting sexual before our dates and it puts me off and I cancel on them. I'm a very confident, and I'm not a bad looking person, I get a lot of offers I'm just hugely selective. I've even had someone famous that I have just turned down because again they see me and want sex and I'm not about that. I now know what I want and am not willing to settle for less. My expectations are not ridiculous, but my standards are high. I don't have an issue getting dates and I love meeting new people so dating is not an issue for me but I'm filtering out the crap, just like you do when you bring people to an interview. Am I meeting men's expectations? I don't really care, I reach my own expectations. I'm an ambitious person with lots of hobbies. I'm fun, caring and friendly and very confident. My expectations aren't realistic? Have I told you what they are? I want a guy who contacts me often - not sets up a date and ignores me the rest of the week which is what one guy has done. Another cancelled on me as he had gone out the night before our date and was hungover, but wanted to reschedule so I said no. I want EFFORT. I don't think that's a bad thing. I don't think that shows I'm desperate and insecure. In fact I'm pretty sure when I find the guy that is acting the way I expect to be treated - with respect it'll be because I had standards in the first place. What do I offer also? I'm hilarious, fun to be around, spontaneous, kind, have a big heart, intelligent, friendly and happy...many great qualities. I'm a catch thank you! ;) You don't know me, and I don't know you so please don't give me your advice that doesn't even relate to my situation. I don't care what I offer men, as long as I aim to be the best version of myself every day - which I do - then I'd happily be single forever or with someone. It doesn't really bother me. Right now I'm happy single. I go on the odd date if I feel like it, but I'm in no rush to meet mr right.

Saying that I have two dates Saturday, one guy hasn't contacted me since the date was set up - and I'm not really feeling him so I'm cancelling that one. The other one is lovely and decent and has made a lot of effort. I'm not sure if I fancy him 100% but we'll see. I've just found out his ex is stunning and famous - due to marry another celebrity soon - so it's kind of weird seeing her and him all over his instagram from a few years ago. Although I quite enjoy stalking these potential dates haha.

Meow you don't need to justify yourself x

I'm glad someone has finally said it - I was too chicken. I have found @Xiolablueviolet comments smug and patronising since the first one but thought I was alone. I stopped posting as had nothing positive to say I didn't need advice from someone who's single but perfect!

A lurker here who finds OLD fascinating. I do find the frequency of contact wanted is a very individual preference. When I met my boyfriend (after a long marriage) we started by messaging only to meet up, initially about once a fortnight. Even after we started dating properly it took about 6 months before daily calls or messages. I would have found more frequent than that stifling but know others like daily messaging from the start.

Hey BOO32, it is interesting isn't it. I think I like more contact than you, but find too much burdensome. We definitely all have our own ideas of what level works for us.

It doesn't matter what the level is, just that you find someone who matches you, and likes you for who you are.

I'm pretty pleased with my experience so far; happy with my balance between 'discerning' and 'realism'! I'm going for quality over quantity for sure.

Gin what's the Mathew Hussey Friday/Saturday dating thing??

Mr computer stepped up, after I said let's leave the date on Friday.

Have agreed to a date on Sat. He's coming over, to my neck of the woods. I'll see how it goes. Be good to be out, providing it happens. We'll see.

I missed all the drama this morning!!!

It made me remember what my Nanna used to say....
that people project their stuff onto others. If they say your blinkered it's because they secretly think that they are blinkered.

It's like the red car syndrome...you know when your buying a car...say a red mini. For the next few weeks you'll seem to notice that there's loads of red mini's.

If deep down secretly someone feels they're not strong....they'll notice loads of characteristics of people that suggest weakness

There is a point in there but I'm not sure what it is hah😂 my brains dead.

Reading Xiolas posts this morning made me think of what my Nanna used to say