Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Have to say am a bit smug after being told what I had to say was 'a load of rubbish' by a certain poster who shall remain nameless.

But I'm not smug and my shoulders are broad/hide of a rhino

Tom - multiple dating is easy

See them all. Don't lie if they ask.

Men assume you are giving all the others the same treatment as them.

So, if you are friendly interested relaxed and not sleeping with them, they get really worried. Once theyve discussed exclusivity - important it is then who do this and never ever you- and you also want exclusivity after trialling them for around 6 to 8 weeks you then tell the others. Be prepared for a lot of whining from the others, and them to try to get you to change your mind. Never do this. It undermines the relationship if you accept a counter offer.

Hope that makes sense

Enough

This is all normal

Men test you out to see if you flip out on them when they ignore you and get emotional and hysterical. Normal male behaviour. Don't bite.

Leave it and do absolutely nothing

When he texts again which he will reply with a smiley face and sit back

He has now put himself in the needs to earn back my interest box for a bit

Thanks Xiola but I sorted it out and Mr Eire is no longer a prospect!

Would still be interested to know if you have any deal breaker questions though.

Xiola, thanks so much. You are my new advisor! I have absolutely no intention of doing anything. He has been duly moved to the earn back my interest box!

Some of you do seem to have a very quick write them off bin them approach? And this psychic I can just tell stuff is not doing you favours. People surprise you.

A lot of you don't like when men don't like your profile or respond. Some of the earlier messages about men's profiles- ever consider they may be thinking the same about you and yours?

Men are human beings. They have the same insecurities and doubts and worries as women. They show them differently is all.

I'm not one for wasting time. But to expect a relationship level of contact immediately is the way madness lies. Slowly slowly catchy monkey. Let things unfold and play out.

Maybe I'm being on my high horse now. Going to eat food

No one has ever surprised me. Except to be more of a twat than originally thought. I've spent my life giving people the benefit of the doubt and always seeing the best in people and it's always been to my detriment so now my bar is set high, I won't suffer fuckwits, know what I don't want, won't play childish games and am prepared to be happily single until someone worth my time and effort comes along. I've wasted too many of my years on the wrong people and if I'd listened to my gut back then then I'd have saved myself a lot of sadness, anxiety and abuse. I refuse to lower my standards because I'm not desperate for a man to fill a void. There's no void to fill. A man would be a complementary part of my life, not essential.
Seeing as we are all single then surely we are all "not doing ourselves any favours" in some way? However I am who I am and won't change that in order to attract someone because I'm happy with who I am. Anyone who doesn't like who I am isn't worth my time. This forum is full of women who have no self esteem and who settle for utter bastards because they believe that is all they are worth. Every day, thread after thread of women in abusive relationships who think being alone is worse than being abused. I have been there and learnt from it and at the first signs of abusive tendencies I'm out of there. If only more women were like that then there wouldn't be so many of those threads.

Appreciate all of that. Not disagreeing entirely.

But. Think you're coming from the wrong angle a bit.

Has it occurred that maybe you have some things about past relationships that tint how you view men generally? Trust issues?

It's clear you want a relationship. But no one is good enough? That's a defence mechanism.

I was you so I do understand. But it's blocking you from what you want. Until that's sorted? Not gonna happen.

Sorry if this comes across as mean. It's not meant that way.

Margot

Deal breakers?

It depends on what you're looking for really.

It's kind of as I said before. Listening to people and I mean really listening is important. As important as the questions asked.

Example. Talking to a man I know IRL. He's interested in me a lot.

We talked about past relationships last weekend. He admitted the last 2 had ended for the same reasons - his lack of being able to communicate.

In times past I might have thought - I will be the one to change that! It will be different with me! He can talk to me, look, we've just spent 3 hours having a coffee that was supposed to be a quick one as we get on so well!

Now? In the friend zone. He won't change. His communication skills when it hit a rough patch will still be lacking as he's done nothing about it. He didn't learn the first time. Or the second. That he sees there is an issue is a great first step. The doing something about it? Not happening.

He's attractive, solvent and until then was in the running. We've been out 4 times. But I've learned to watch and wait now. They always reveal themselves over time.

Nice date with charming chatty, he's been a gent all the way down the line and done everything right, but there's just no spark for me IRL :( I could have a brief fling with him I think but nothing more. I'm keeping it in my pants though because I'm a grown up now

It all lands on YoungShy now unless someone else turns up!

I don't understand the whole "spark" thing. Just because you enjoy a "spark" together initially does not mean they are the right person for you, and also if there is no "spark" there initially this does not mean they are not the right person for you. Love isn't an immediate thing it needs time to grow

Just checking in; I was away over the weekend and work is even busier than usual so haven't seen Mr DiamondMine since last week but we have an all-day date planned for Saturday. Still in regular but not OTT contact and still no red flags.

I still have profiles on POF, Tinder and Bumble but haven't been actively looking; I've got a few conversations going on but no immediate plans to meet up with anyone else. Until Mr DM and I are sleeping together and/or have had that conversation I'm keeping my options open. I'm happy with the way it's going though.

Agreed a million times over, grey

Passion? Spark? No indicator of long term potential.

It was a long shot anyway as he was outside my age range and not from my culture - I feel we're too different in our lifestyles, I'd struggle to adapt to his and I just can't believe he'd be happy with mine. Gut feeling says it's not right, and it's early days for me and tbh, yes I'd like to settle down and have a family but I'm not going to force it either, I'm basically happy on my own and will only do it if it's feeling right!

Vet seems it is all going well.

I've been chatting with someone who has been a perfect gent - not OTT with messages - got it just about right. Meeting up on Friday - turns out I knew his brother many years ago - he was a neighbour of mine - small world as my date lives about half an hour away. After the last 3, I hope this one is younger than his years lol

Back from a 2nd date with Mr Blue. I like him, he seems honest and friendly and although he is not my usual type, he has really kind chocolate eyes. For me the spark is more the potential that I may want to kiss my date and don't feel turned off by him.

I think I may have put Mr Blue off me a bit. I told him that I don't want to be rushed, but realised he now doesn't know what speed I am happy with. We had a small hello and goodbye kiss and held hands while sat down, but he seemed nervous about making a move and I don't think I have given him enough interested signs.

If I say I'm a tactile person and look forward to meeting soon for more of his kisses does that sound keen or OTT?

Vet and *Val different stages of dating, but sounds good for you both, it's nice to hear positives about OLD.

@LiteraryDevil I completely agree with you, my standards are high. I think after what we've been through, they should be. I've always given in and settled or made excuses for people's behaviour. So far all my gut instincts have been right with these guys I've gone on dates with/avoided going on dates with as they showed their true colours before the date even started. I know it's going to take me a long time to find someone who fits the bill, but I'm not going to date for the sake of it and continue to waste mine or other guys time if they aren't right for me.

I have a date Saturday - well two actually- but one of them hasn't bothered to message at all to follow it up. The other is overly keen and wants to not only have one date Saturday but two - he wants to do the cinema too which for me is a big no on a first date. He is so keen for the date it's sort of putting me off. My gut says he'll be more keen than I will, and I'll want to leave after 5 minutes of the first part of the date. My gut hasn't been wrong yet...lol

Mallows

Has he contacted you since the date yet?

Meow

I'm not saying have low standards. Or make excuses. Far from it. If you are still burnt from the past your chances of success are lower.

You're more fragile. Rejection affects you more. You get hung up on texts and too anxious about dates.

I'm not being mean. But you need to have healthy confidence and self esteem. True confidence. First.

Some of your expectations and talk about effort etc are not realistic. It comes from a place of fear and lack. Men smell that a million miles away and they don't go for it in the long term. You're used to having little or no boundaries. Now you're putting up electric fences instead. One extreme to the other. Men want to feel good. Not be subject to the kind of stuff you're talking about. Being frank, what do you offer? Are you meeting men's expectations?

I know it's not what you want to hear. I'll shut up now.

Help required. I have a text conversation with MrNavy. This has real potential but texts are reducing dramatically. We Started at the weekend and he invited me out to meet this coming Saturday.

I agreed but no arrangements made. Texts all continued as per usual. Then Tuesday I sent him a good morning text, he replied a short but sweet reply and then nothing.

Do I just leave it now or try and reinstagate texting?

Thanks xiola that's useful advice regarding multiple dating.

I'm with you grey regarding the spark. I dated Mr Music at the start of the year. We had three dates and the spark was incredible. However, by date 3 I was getting to know him and knew that he wasn't relationship material. We're still friends and if he was closer he'd be FWB material. But that would be it.

I met Mr American last night for a drink before I met my friend for a gig. We'd been chatting a lot on WhatsApp and seemed to get on. In real life the conversation did not flow and he was just weird! After twenty mins he went outside for a cigarette!! I'd made it clear my friend was coming later and he still hung around. He didn't speak to her or me, despite me trying to make conversation. He kept disappearing and coming back and we suspect he was doing drugs, due to his behaviour. I saw him at the end and said we were going. He shook my hand! Then straight after texted me, told me I was rude and had ignored him, that he wasn't for me and I should be more gracious!!!!! I got home to a lovely message from Mr Doctor which partially restored my faith in OLD. It goes to show that nothing at all compared to meeting/talking on the phone.

Gin I'd leave it. Men are supposed to love the thrill of the chase and it sounds like he's not chasing. Sometimes once you agree to a date they stop making as much of an effort. It's like all the effort goes into getting a date then once they have you hooked so to speak then they don't think they need to continue and just throw out breadcrumbs. My last date did that and I was going to cancel but decided to give him a chance as might be ok in real life. The man was rude, arrogant and boorish calling his ten year old daughter a cow and being very disrespectful and ageist about his parents. Listen to your gut. Always.

Tom that's awful! What a twat! Just shows how different people can be IRL.

I'm not saying ignore your gut either. That isn't what I'm saying.

Being really blunt, if all your past relationships have been abusive or dysfunctional, that's down to your picking skills. You are the common denominator in all of them. I'm not condoning abusive men in any way. But if you pick them or have picked them consistently you have some responsibility for choosing those situations. The red flags and signs would have been there at the beginning. I know they were in my own. I ignored them or didnt know what i was seeing at the time. I had some work to do on why that was and changing my picking skills. It took work on my part. Over a couple of years. A long term investment in myself. It was hard at times. But very worth it.

I have dates every week. I am fussy. I can afford to be. But that doesn't mean I play games or dismiss people. I go in with an open mind. I trust myself to make good decisions based on the feedback I get and what I see and hear.

If you cannot date with an open heart, it's doomed.

Xiola yet here you are.....do fuck off.