Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Cake

I agree the age thing with men is ridiculous, but then I have to admit I set mine to my age + 12 yr older and often date 5 years older as I really don't want to be around very young children anymore been there done that T-shirt covered in baby sick and chocolate I'm happy with older children, which late 40s+ men tend to have.

Literary I like an active fit rather than gym fit body too. Gym fit is all about the look, active fit can be fun in bed going for walks.

I'm naming my iron Mr Blue, he has written fairly regularly, normal and thoughtful messages: no smut. He has suggested a imteresting plan for date next week, which shows he has listened to my interests. I need to grill him on why his last relationships ended as I want to know upfront what his issues are; we all have them I want to see if his fall in normal categories.

With the age thing/children - I'm surprised /disappointed to find quite a lot of men in late 40s/early 50s with young children.

I have already grilled chatty on past relationships and he held up well. Im concerned his longest relationship is only 2yrs. Other than that we seem to be having good bantz and im hoping he suggests meeting when he gets back from holiday...

A lot of people don't have children until they are in their 40s now.

For the right person, it won't matter what age the children are.

It matters to me.

What classes as young children? Does it matter because you don't want to eventually take on a step parent role or because anyone with young children will have to prioritise them and their needs? Or another reason? My children are 11,9 and 3 and I'm 41 so I'm perhaps not a good catch.

Literary I used to think that, but my DCs don't have an interest in places that they liked when younger, they can walk further, join in adult conversations and don't need rest/sleep time in the same way. I enjoyed the DCs being young, but I like the freedom to be more flexible.

If I'm honest I also don't think I could go back and have the same patience and that it's better for me to bear this in mind when searching. If my DCs were younger I may feel the other way around.

My DD is 6, tbh iv been amazed at how much more open minded men are about her than i would be with theirs! I dont like the idea of split loyalties tbh (aware of being a hypocrit lol).

Sorry sent before I saw your last message Literary. It is really due to the lifestyle that I enjoy now. Longer country walks and travelling is easier, not having to help teach the basics again (I'm used to teaching multiplication and no problem with older homework). It could sound selfish, but it is how I feel.

If I didn't have DCs I know I would have wanted to meet someone with them and young preferably, the experience is great.

My kids are late teens so I have new found independence that I'm really enjoying. And I would like to find someone in a similar situation, not someone who is only free every other weekend. And I don't want to take on any sort of mothering role to someone else's children

Interesting discussion about age - I'm 60 and have so far had 3 dates with men my age or slightly older - they have all been nice but much older than me in outlook. My children are now late 30s With families of their own so I have no ties whatsoever. I'm now liking at men a few years younger and having a lovely chat with a 57 year old - never been with a man younger than me but I figure age is less important the older you get. I have a fair number of much younger men messaging me but if they are nearer my children's age than mine it's a no. I even had one who was nearer my granddaughter's age than mine - yuk!

Younger children are an issue for me too. I’ve slogged away relentlessly single parenting for 15 years and my DC are nearly fully grown now. In two years time, they will most likely have both left home. I would find it really hard to go back to young children now. My nephew & niece come to stay about twice a year and it nearly kills me!!!! They are 6 & 4.

I want to be off doing grown up stuff, not helping bring up someone else’s DC. I just don’t have it in me.

FWIW, i think women are generally way more realistic about whether or not they can handle a relationship with younger children because for most of us, we’re the ones who will have done the lion’s share of child rearing. I know there are exceptions and maybe it is changing for younger years but certainly for most late40s people I know, that’s how it has panned out.

Some men won't be wanting someone to help raise their children though. I'm quite surprised with what I read on here because on other topics any mention of seeing a date potentially becoming something that involves the kids from either partner is really frowned upon until many months if not years have passed

What @LiteraryDevil1 said!

I'm not fussed about age really. I've dated someone 14 years (!!) older than me who had the maturity of a toddler and 5 years younger who was too 'old' for me. It really is like wading through fog!

I suppose it also depends what you want from a relationship. My ex had 2 kids 50/50 and I have an arrangement where my 2 eldest are at their dad's EOW. My 3 year old is always with me as doesn't see his dad at all. I was happy with seeing my ex EOW when he didn't have his kids and was freer to do stuff and he came over in the week too on his free week. We occasionally did stuff all together but my eldest children couldn't stand his because their behaviour was awful so I avoided this as much as possible. I'm used to living in my own as have done for years now and really like it. I'm not sure I'd want someone living with me or even wanting to see me more than once or twice a week. I like my space. So someone having kids isn't an issue for me. However things would be tricky if it moved to the marriage/moving in together stage (if that ever happens!) because I'm not able to move and wouldn't want to anyway for quite a few years yet.

Another here who isn't looking for someone with young kids.

My two are 16 and 18. I've raised/raising children and it's been tough. Looking to meet someone whose at a similar stage

God all this young kids chat is horribly depressing-mine are 2.5 and 4! I completely get that it's a person's prerogative not to want to date someone with young children but it makes me feel very sad and lonely that I could end up with nobody.

And a bit ragey tbh that my ex could do as he pleased because he was the one who left. I really really hope there is someone out there for me but it's seeming increasingly unlikely I'll ever meet them

Molly don’t be put off. You’ve got the opinions of a few single mums here. We’re stating our preference that’s all. Men probably think really differently. When I did OLD a decade ago when my DC we’re young, I had no difficulty getting dates at all and had a relationship with a guy who didn’t have his own DC and one who did.

I’m just saying that I am looking for something different now.

Molly - I'm guessing you're a lot younger though?

I've actually seen profiles of men actively looking for women with young children the same age as their own.

Molly most men I've dated have been realistic in thinking that if they are 40ish and wanting a woman the same age it is highly likely that that woman will have children, possibly young children. That's from men who have kids themselves and those who don't. Personally I'd prefer someone with younger children to teenagers as remember all too well how troubled I was and that was without divorced parents to add to my state of mind.

Yeah molly like i said upthread i'm finding men to be the opposite - very OK with me having a 6yr old, its been way less of an issue than i thought, theres a lot if broody men out there! I'm something of a biologist and to me it makes sense that males would care for the offspring if kthers' - if they do it, its more likely other males will care for their offspring too. Its a strategy for overcoming the inherent uncertainty of fathering. Whereas we're the ones using our bodily resources to rear children we know are ours, regardless of who the father was. So, we're more guarded about who we're rearing.

Sorry, came back on here to apologise for my moan and saw your lovely replies so thanks for the reassurance! Very valid points as well!

I'm 32, it's a weird one because a lot of guys my age aren't really in that children frame of mind so I fully accept the prospect of two might put them off. Happy to go older (my limit is about 10 years my senior) so maybe I'll have some more luck soon. As I say...it's a real drought for me at the moment! Have had some matches and a few promising messages but they've all sort of fizzled, so I'm probably over analysing the whole kids thing because I'm frustrated at the lack of opportunities to come my way at the moment!