Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Xiola the distance is important to me because of childcare. If I want to go out in the evening I have to pay for sitters. So if I'm seeing someone an hour or more away, that's 2 hours of driving and 2 hours of extra childcare to pay for.

Initially you can meet halfway and that works but after that what do you do? One of you has to do the traveling. So if I wanted to travel to him for an evening out I'd need a sitter from say 6.30pm for dinner at 7.30-8pm. I'd need to leave by 11pm to be home by midnight as I don't want my sitters to stay too late.

That rules out say cinema and dinner - there isn't time to do both. It rules out meeting during the week because you can't do a spontaneous meet for drinks because you spend more time traveling than meeting.

The comparison with commuting doesn't work because you are spending a whole day at your job, not a few hours.

I have a friend who's been in a relationship for 6months with someone just over an hour away. They either have to spend most of the weekend together or not see each other for 2 or 3 weeks. So they've decided it isn't going to work long term because neither can relocate.

Great to read what everyone else has on their deal breaker list.

I have an hour distance as my cut off point, but, for the right guy well, who knows! I'd never thought of equating the distance thing to the daily commute Xiola

I never realised I had a 'type' till I started OLD and now I find that almost all of the ones I like fit the same kind of mould! Decent teeth and a nice smile (mind you loads of the pics don't show them smiling!), someone who smokes/vapes are deal breakers for me. Someone who can spell and have decent grammar and have a sense of humour and also way up the top of the list.

How someone can hope to get someone on OLD by putting under Profile info ... 'Don't no wot to put here' ... is beyond me, and yes I did see that only yesterday!

I'm been messaging and talking on the phone (he always rings me) to one guy since January, we haven't met yet - hoping to next month - but even though he doesn't fill a lot of my usual criteria, he is incredibly sweet and kind and thoughtful so I suppose you need to have a bit of give and take in this crazy game.

Interestingly, I had a message from a guy and put it down to a scammer because of a lot of things he said, and was very cautious about giving him my number but turns out he is the real deal! You just can't tell!

Distance is a big thing for me too. My last relationship there was a two hour drive between us. Initially it was exciting and seeing each other every weekend or other weekend was fine but as time went on and it was clear that neither of us were prepared to re-locate it wasn't going to work. I am now dating someone who lives 10 mins down the road. Still only see each other 2/3 nights a week (this week not at all due to work) but it is much easier. Can be more spontaneous too.

I don't drive so distance is a major thing for me too. If they have kids and live an hour away then they are unlikely to be able to relocate if things get serious. Having young children makes things much trickier.

I also judge on musical tastes as have found this to be a problem if they differ significantly. Almost every bloke my age is into the Stone Roses and Oasis which I interpret as boring and following the crowd. My music tastes are very diverse and look for that in others.

I do understand, genuinely.

Agree 2 hours is a lot. 1.5 hours is my maximum. But I have freedom every night and a car so I am not restricted in those ways. Means my pool to pick from is huge.

I wouldn't write someone off for their lack of taste in music. I happen to like some really off the wall stuff but i wouldnt need them to appreciate that. What i would want is someone accepting of difference and tolerant of me. The character and values piece.

I might write someone off because they were judgemental and hadn't taken the time to find out if there were other aspects to me than whether I liked Ian Brown:)

If you don't drive that puts a lot on someone else to have to all the time. I wouldn't be up for that.

The young kids and child care thing is difficult. But i have to be honest and say that I had the same thing. I chose to bide my time and stay on my own until that was no longer an issue. I found that the whole dating with kids thing was highly challenging and frustrating as you are not able to do as you wish all the time and for the reasons outlined you are restricted to men who will date women with children. If on top of that you dismiss all those who like the Gallagher brothers, you're likely in for a long wait on your own...

literarydevil on my playlist I have Oasis and was also a huge fan of the Stone Roses, amongst other 1990's Indie music. A lot of the Stone Roses songs are like poetry if you ever listened to the lyrics. But I also am a big fan of funk, electronica, old skool hip hop, acid jazz, some grime (yep shoot me)etc. I find that comment really really judgemental. I certainly never followed a crowd, but I like good music. I'm not a lover of thrash metal or most american "rock" music, but I would never discount someone for it. I even went to jungle clubs/ illegal raves and trance nights when I was younger.......serioiusly though, I am a professional, I am educated to Masters levels, have two kids but I love many different types of music. Good music is music and everyone has there own thoughts.

xiola I also have an Ian Brown love ;)

Stepping back away from the thread now and off my high horse ;)

their not *there.

Pudding I like oasis and Stone Roses but if their tastes are limited to that then it would put me off. My ex had such limited musical tastes and disparaged everything I listened to so I'm very wary now of anyone with limited tastes.
I think we are all entitled to have whatever restrictions and preferences we like in terms of potential partners. Obviously I assess all the information they give before making a decision but I'm too old now to settle for less than I know I want.

I have a long list of 'wants' rather than needs, some of which I'm willing to compromise on!

Ideally talk, dark and handsome (obviously) but will compromise on all. Ideally similar age but not really fussed older or younger. I won't compromise on decent teeth and kind eyes!

However, I'm not particularly attracted to looks as such, it's all about charisma and drive for me. I've dated some men, who are really not my 'type' looks wise, but I've met them in a bar and can see how they behave, chat and carry themselves so that makes them attractive. I've dated some really good looking guys via OLD who are instant no's when I see them walk into the bar!! Not sure this makes sense to anyone but me?! It makes OLD REALLY hard!!

Distance wise, I have long days at work. I don't want to be spending an hour driving, it's just not practical. I've tried long distance twice but that was never going to work!

Kids - I have them, I really don't mind if they do or don't.

Looking I know exactly what you mean! When my last date walked up I just thought, "no." You can just tell with some people. The right person will be right no matter what aspects they have that don't meet our criteria. Someone could be perfect on parapet but it might not translate to IRL. Like my last date. I'm secure enough in myself to say this is what I want and/or need and this is what I won't compromise on. I spent my life compromising and it got me my heart broken several times so I won't compromise again.

Exactly this @LiteraryDevil1 .

I'll compromise if it's beneficial. But I won't compromise on anything that I consider a deal breaker - like distance - because it would soon doom a relationship!

Hey all, haven't updated in a while and thought I'd catch up. Love the catfish guy, sounds hilarious. Sure it was entertaining while it lasted.

I'm seeing Bumble Boy this Friday. I'm still not bothered about him to be honest, but having a bit of a drought with OLD and he is the only consistent one. He doesn't really excite me though - and seeing how often he's on Bumble (his location changes constantly through the day) is very off-putting when he acts so keen on me.

He finishes work at 10pm on Friday and is coming over to mine at 11pm (what would Matthew Hussey say!)...and I imagine he is hoping for one thing which is NOT happening. Part of me thinks I should just stop it already, but I'm seeing if he'll grow on me. Think Friday will be the decision time for me. I hate having to tell someone you're just not feeling it though...He keeps flirting with me, like today I was getting my hair done and he put 'are you doing that so you look nice for me ;)' and it made me feel sick. That's not right is it. Lol

Entitlement. Hmmmm. I have to say, that is likely the cause of a lot of the world's issues.

I would be interested how one could 'just tell'? Ted Bundy was a charming looker. Over 30 women couldn't 'just tell' he was a mad serial killer.

Ian Brown, what a man. I adore him and his music :)

Good grief it is a desert out there! Not having any luck with matches on Bumble (I'm swiping a few but they're clearly not swiping back) and OK is awful, really awful! Starting to get twitchy about changing my photos but trying to remember not to apologise for myself. They're nice photos, I don't need to change them.

Tempted to try Match as isn't that a larger pool of people? But I seem to remember really not getting on with the way the website and app set everything out. I guess it's all much of a muchness really!

I have a limit to myself of about an hour's travel, but I'd be wary if they had kids and lived further away than that because of potential issues with relocation. Other than that I'm fairly willing to compromise on most things. I have some none negotiables I suppose but wouldn't discount someone because of (for example) height etc

meow what are you going to do with him at your house at 11 o'clock at night?! That's an odd time for a date other than for the obvious reasons - you might want to be very sure that you're not going to end up in a situation that's anywhere on a scale from awkward to dangerous if he rocks up thinking that sex is on the agenda.

When I'm searching online I don't have set looks that I go for, as long as they're clean, not overweight, have good teeth and I find them attractive. My non-negotiables are a good sense of humour, liking dogs, owning a car and being active and outdoorsy - and obviously being single That they're well travelled and well educated with a good job is also important to me. I don't have kids and prefer them not to but it's not an automatic dealbreaker if everything else is there. Distance doesn't really matter as I have the means and freedom to travel as and when I need to, although for convenience under an hour is preferable.

At what point do you believe what someone is saying? Mr Doctor and I chatted all evening last night and late into the night. I can't see any red flags. He is being lovely, clearly finds me attractive, is being open about how he wants a relationship but wants to take things slowly. He's very chatty, asks questions, etc. I want to believe him, but I'm so cautious now, and convinced he will ghost me or turn out not to be genuine. We can't meet for at least a week either, due to other plans. So is there a point at which you just say "yes, he seems to be the real deal"?

You can't know for sure at the start Tom, it takes time to really get to know someone (as much as you can ever really know anybody!). You have to just take it at face value and watch out for the red flags to begin with. I met Mr DiamondMine over 3 months ago, we've been in almost daily contact and on 9 dates now although there was a big gap between 1 and 2 and we haven't slept together yet. So far there are absolutely no red flags, he seems lovely, genuine, great and all the rest of it, but I still don't really know him yet so I'm being optimistic but cautious and taking it as it comes. He could still turn around at this point and say 'nah', or ghost me, or meet someone else - hopefully he won't but until I really feel like I know someone then I expect the best but don't rule out the worst!

Thanks Vet that's really helpful. I agree it takes a long time to really get to know someone. Mr Doctor has said the same to me and keeps reiterating about taking things slowly and getting to know each other and not rushing into DTD. He seems lovely, he's chatty and that's all I have to go on right now. I'm certainly not getting emotionally involved, and just trying to enjoy it. The more you do OLD the more cautious you become, but that's not a bad thing is it?

Im a bit the same about mr chatty, tom. He's all nice so far but i cant help the feeling theres inevitably a big catch somewhere...

Vet 9 dates and no sex is definitely the way forward.

I broke up with my iron of 3 months last week after a really crap weekend and his true colours coming out !

Decided to have a total break over the summer. All apps deleted and just planning on lots of nice things with family and friends :-).

Already feel much calmer and settled.

I agree with 9 dates. I'm terrible for letting my hormones take over. Next time I'll be giving it quite a while before we do anything.

vet it all sounds super chilled, and neither of yo u seem to be putting pressure on the other for anything, it's looking pretty good?

I don't think I have a massive 'needs' list. I tend to go for bearded lefties I suppose rather than preppy, but have no firm preference as to looks.
I do like someone who is into current affairs and who has a varied musical taste - not necessarily the same as mine, but someone who doesn't just listen to the top 40 etc, as music is important to me, as a lot of people I assume.

The only things I won't compromise on are height (I'm 6' so I don't go shorter than about 5'9") and distance - I'm with runs on this - 30-35 miles max. I'm aware that limits my pool, but I have my kids all the time, so realistically and practically it can't work. There'd be no going to each others houses for a long time, as I'm not introducing kids to anyone before it gets serious.

Oh and drivers 🙄 they have to drive!!! The last 4 guys I've dated don't bloody drive. I don't live in a city, and the public transport isn't great round my way, and quite frankly, I'm not a bloody chauffeur.
I've also found that a lot of them who like 'walks in the country' (which I genuinely do a lot of!) don't drive - HOW do they bloody get there then?!!!

I hate my phone. Fuckin paragraphs!!! Why won't it do them?!?!

I'm not saying 9 dates is the magic number or anything, that's just the number we're currently at! Tbh I don't know when (or if!) we'll do it - when the time feels right I guess, if we get to that point.

Having been burned by a Mr Fucktard Emotionally Unavailable last year I made a conscious decision this time around to not let my heart/hormones rule my head and if I met someone promising to really get to know them before jumping into anything. It's still early days really but so far it's working ok, I really do like and fancy him but I'm not going to be blinded by that into overinvesting, rushing things or ignoring any potential red flags.