Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinder

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 01/06/2018 19:43

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 05/06/2018 19:55

OMG that gave me a laugh!

lechat enjoy your date, Im sure you are magnificent.

Chocmallows · 05/06/2018 20:01

Dance if I think I may like them I say yes on day one or two of chat. My rules are ...sane, may be cute, regular job / lifestyle...all ticked and I'll meet for a drink, nothing else. Probably 1 in 5 goes beyond date 1.

Third maybe I can bring a mask for his mouth area? Or look away when he laughs Grin - yes teeth bigger than this

I wouldn't say much to either of your pursuers whilst you are grieving, give yourself time to think.

VetOnCall · 05/06/2018 20:46

Good work Val Grin Finding the fishing photo was inspired, you should've asked him if he'd caught any catfish!

LiteraryDevil1 · 05/06/2018 21:43

Dancemom I'm wondering the same thing as in the space of 2 lots of 3 months subscription I've only had about 4 blokes contact me first with the pre-scripted questions given by the site. Then nothing.I've contacted a few and had very little back. I did have an 11 month relationship as a result of OLD but I've only been on 4 first dates. Well 5 if you count an old school mate I got chatting to on tinder. I knew of him but we weren't mates at school. Different class and social circle back then and I discovered very different now too! Apparently he was weird back then according to my best friend from school and he was certainly weird recently.
I'm on eharmony and I think it offers the least number of matches. I'd hoped for quality over quantity but hasn't been that way. I'm not looking for short term relationships or hook ups so not sure OLD is really for me.

RunsforCake14 · 05/06/2018 21:45

Why are some men so rubbish as messaging? Been chatting for a couple of days with one of my Bumble matches. When I say "chatting" - I ask a question and comment on something. He replies with more comments on the same subject. Hasn't asked anything about me. Hasn't moved the conversation on to another topic.

I've run out of things to say. I could ask another question but I'd rather he showed some interest in me.
I find this happens a lot. So I stop messaging and they disappear.

OP posts:
MollyBloomYes · 05/06/2018 21:52

Hello everyone, thought I'd actually try and join in properly. Think I wrote one message on here last year and then bottled the whole OLD thing-sorry about that!

So...went back on OKCupid, ended up seeing a guy for a couple of months til he broke up with me last week. Was a bit bummed but ultimately think he was probably right, just annoying he worked it out before me!

I'm on OK and Bumble. Things are a bit barren at the moment (sigh). Currently rejecting anyone on Bumble who doesn't write anything on their profile, assuming they're just after ONS. Is this foolish of me? OK is dire at the moment for my geography, can't shake the feeling it's a bit of a hookup site but not sure where else to try. It's definitely my favourite app for user friendliness!

Anyway, hopefully my barren spell will pick up soon and I'll actually have some dates to talk about!

marriednotdead · 05/06/2018 21:56

Found you!

Not much going on here. Three phone calls not worth continuing with. One guy consistently couldn't spell, I actually asked him if the 'G' on his keyboard was broken as he kept dropping it from words like workin...

Most people that swipe me are not my bag, incredibly short, looking for a FB or miles away, the ones I swipe ignore me. Except one this evening who I've exchanged a few messages with. He's stated that he's now popped in to see a friend and asked if he can message more later which I thought was polite. Let's see if he does...

Kittyb123 · 05/06/2018 21:57

Val
Lol I don't blame you i hate getting loads of messages I'm not glued to my phone

Kittyb123 · 05/06/2018 22:01

Dance
I ask important questions and then arrange a date I don't want to waste weeks messaging we meet and either I'm not interested or i never hear from him again.

thegreysheep · 05/06/2018 22:04

Hi all, been OLD on and off since January. It's been useful for weeding out what I want and don't want, and I've met a few interesting people I wouldn't have met otherwise, who, while nothing has worked out long term so far, has helped me decide what I want.
One guy Mr French Engineer was very cute and great fun, but very flaky and out of sight out of mind.. He was the first I met so I did obsess and future fake myself for a while, but I got a hold of myself and decided the head wreck of waiting for him to call or stick to plans wasnt worth it. Still on OK terms but I've totally put him on the farthest back of back burners.

Next, Mr Tanzanian bodybuilder is also cute and good fun but quite selfish. I decided I didn't get rid of one lazy man child (ex) to end up with another, so will knock that on the head.

Currently seeing a primary school teacher I met IRL for third time this Thursday, and am meeting another guy who seems quite genuine and have a laugh on text on Sunday, that I met on Match.

Someone said on here that if you raise your standards, the universe will rise to meet them and it really resonated with me. Previously I would have stuck with the flaky guy or the selfish guy and tied myself in knots trying to make it work, but while OLD has its downfalls I find it's easier to disengage if it's not working for you and find something that suits your better, rather than if you met them IRL, where you tend to make a connection and get sucked in more quickly and feel you have less options.

LiteraryDevil1 · 05/06/2018 22:08

Molly I won't entertain anyone without a filled out profile. Men who can't spell, men who use photos that have their ex cropped out, photos that include their kids, one photo that's s group of people so no idea what the actual guy looks like. Those with dogs, beards, bad teeth, dodgy clothes, smokers, vapers, gamers, gym addicts, workaholics. So my pond is very, very small.

MollyBloomYes · 05/06/2018 22:10

Literary good to hear! Was doubting myself a bit wondering if was too fussy and didn't get the unspoken rules or something! But tbh if they can't be arsed to write anything it hardly makes the greatest first impression, they should be trying to convince people they're awesome!

ValMc1 · 05/06/2018 22:11

Vet - I'm not sure he would have understood what it meant!

I've had 2 friends crying with laughter tonight after they read our full chats - nearly got chucked out of bingo - and Albert implored me not to - obviously didn't want me to waste my money.

LiteraryDevil1 · 05/06/2018 22:14

Molly exactly. I'm 41 and can't be arsed with anyone who shows from their profile that they are just messing around on OLD and aren't actually serious about it.

Naynayba · 05/06/2018 22:26

I'm after LTR and hopefully kids so they have to show they are serious, with a properly filled out profile!

Yes to the useless messagers! Youngshy's a bit like that, just answers the question and leaves it at that. Its up to me to comment, introduce new subject matter and make sure i include a question so he has something to work with. Hoping hes a bit better IRL.

marriednotdead · 05/06/2018 23:12

Thought I'd give you an amusing ray of hope.

DS(21, HF ASD) joined Tinder a while back but had rare matches to the point where I asked why- I know he's mine so I'm biased but he does attract a lot of female attention usually.

Anyway he casually mentioned taking a short trip to Hamburg and it dawned on me that he'd spoken of matching someone there online a while back. Despite my misgivings and fears of catfishing, he booked into a hotel and flew out, she joined him and they had a whale of a time. I doubt it will become a relationship but they're talking of meeting again somewhere in Europe.

LeChatDeNuit · 05/06/2018 23:24

Mr Doctor is SO shy. He gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. I think I’m going to have to take the initiative Grin

TomHardysBitontheside · 06/06/2018 07:20

I watched 2 episodes of Catfish last night. How good is that??? These people are so naive. It's quite sad really. In one episode both couples had sent fake photos, but they ended up together!

I am having coffee with Mr American today. He's lovely, but I think our lifestyles are too different. He's also a bit lovebomby, says he wants someone to look after and talks about things we can do together.

Last night I spent most of the evening WhatsApping Mr Doctor. He's very lovely. Not inappropriate at all, interesting, intelligent and asks questions. He's also looking for a relationship but would take things slowly, which matches what I want. He wanted to see me this weekend but I'm away, so he'll have to wait. I'm trying to channel my inner WMLB, but it's very hard!!

Xiolablueviolet · 06/06/2018 08:21

Caught up with replies.
Some of you seem to have quite a list of requirements :)
Always good to have standards and what you'll accept. It's just sometimes you may need to get honest with yourself about whether you're in a position to attract what you think you can.

One friend who has 3 children, 2 at school one nursery, struggled with this a lot.

Felt she should have her list. Very picky. Only those men weren't interested.

They wanted someone younger ( she is 37) and minus the 3 kids.

The penny dropped eventually and she went for men who didn't have everything on her list. She has someone great now, but he's short. Not starting a debate on short men but you get my point.

She whinged about this aspect then realised he was prepared to take her and her kids on and be a good man. I wouldn't take on someone with 3 kids.

LiteraryDevil1 · 06/06/2018 08:24

Xiola some physical things like height wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but beards freak me out completely so a big no. I'm happy by myself so won't lower my standards just to be with someone. I've done that many, many times and hasn't ended well.

RunsforCake14 · 06/06/2018 10:42

Physical things are not that much of a deal breaker for me either. (But tall with a shaved head usually works best for me Grin ). But distance is my big deciding factor. I couldn't make a relationship work if I had to travel more than 45mins to see them.
I've had dates with men who've all been very different but they weren't for me. Usually because they were slowing down ready for retirement or we were on a different level intellectually.

OP posts:
Naynayba · 06/06/2018 11:14

I'm not really looking for anything specific physically. ideally full head of hair but can compromise on that. ideally 6ft+ but can compromise on that. Love a beard! Happy without...

But when I'm looking at faces I will instantly dismiss the ones I don't like, it's so weird. I'm not going for classically goodlooking either, just some sort of Xfactor I can't even explain to myself Grin - i like a look of 'kindness' about them...don't do badboys at all.

I'm willing to travel within the UK and will relocate as long as DDs needs are met with that.

I need them to have their own, good income after my bad experience with my stbxdh. I can't have another manchild to look after, it sounds like I'm golddigging when I say they need a good wedge but its not because i want part of it, just that I dont want them to be needing me to bail them out constantly!!

They have to be witty and not insecure with a woman who is a high achiever. I can't be doing with jealousy and controlling behaviour either. I need a lot of affection privately but not into PDAs...

Xiolablueviolet · 06/06/2018 12:11

I think my point is, women have to accept that men also will have to make compromises about their ideal partner. Not everyone looks like Angelina Jolie, for example. Men also have to accept things in a woman they may not ideally wish for. It's the old line about not letting perfection get in the way of good.

I'm not saying settle. I'm just saying if you have a long list of likes and don't likes you are fishing in a small pond and limiting your options. If you also have aspects about you that may be less than appealing to a potential partner, that pool shrinks from small to miniscule and your chances decrease exponentially.

Not saying looks aren't important because yes attraction has to be there. But it's character and values that tend to matter most. The most attractive man in the world could be a class a arsehole.

I think the distance thing is interesting myself. I'd be interested why 45 minutes is the cut off. I am about 30 mins from inner London. Dated quite a few that have been an hour away once you factor in the tube etc. Again, comes down to expectations and how much time you have available to offer.

I wouldn't date someone 2 hours away because that's not feasible. But an hour, maybe hour and a bit is ok. A lot of people commute to work for that length of time each way. I don't see why it's any different? I think just demonstrates the fact relationships are work, depends on the effort one is willing to expend as to the results you can expect to achieve.

Hope this isn't coming across as harsh, btw.

Somewhereoverhere · 06/06/2018 13:25

Hello again guys. Well after 8 months things have ended. Wasn’t getting any quality time, always lowest priority it was like I didn’t exist so I had a chat and said things have to change.....he chose not to bother. Looks like I’ll be back on dating mode once I’ve got my self together. Totally crushed, coward did it by text too...... ho hum, bullet dodged I suppose 😞

LeChatDeNuit · 06/06/2018 13:40

some I’m sorry to hear that Sad His loss.