Really genuinely..is it ever better to stay together for the kids?

[GoodAfternoonSeattle]

This really.

I don’t want to go into too much detail. We have two very young kids. Three and nearly one.

It’s just not working any more.

I have a relative who is high up in education. Her view, in her experience, is that divorce and separation is very damaging to children. And I can’t do that to my girls.

But how can it not be damaging to grow up in an environment where your parents are always sniping and bickering? I mean we would never have a full on shouting match with the girls there but it’s low level horribleness.

What do you do then? Spend your life pretending that it’s all ok? Swallow down the sniping and the rage till the girls are old enough that they won’t be damaged?

They come first and I’ll do what it takes to keep them happy and normal but something needs to change.

Just because your relative is "high up" in education, does not mean she's right OP.

People can be high up in all sorts of sectors and still get things dreadfully wrong.

I know numerous adults and children from divorced parents who are fine. Successful and happy.

They need first and foremost, a peaceful, happy, loving environment. One where things are predictable. They like knowing what's going to happen and when.

Not sudden moods and rows. That's incredibly damaging.

I disagree with your friend.

As parents we model adult relationships formour DC. Would you be happy for one of your daughters to be where you are?

I ended my marriage 4 years ago. It isn’t easy, but I am so very happy I did. My four DCs seem to be growing into well adjusted adults.

No definitely not.

of Course not. That way at some point the kids realise you stayed in an unhappy marriage for them. That’s damaging

i disagree with your friend. I think our children rely on us to model relationships and witnessing unhealthy relationship dynamics, aggression etc is more damaging.

Provided the parents work together and put the DC first, it's probably best to separate while they are still as young as possible. They are less likely to notice or be hurt by it if they're tiny. That means generous contact for the father, regular and frequent maintenance payments, no arguing in front of the DC, and the two of you working as a team.

He isn’t a bad guy. There is fault on both sides. I don’t want my marriage to end but I feel increasingly like there isn’t any option. I can’t stop it.

She doesn't know what she's talking about.

I think that if there is no abuse, adultery etc then the parents should give marriage counselling a go before giving up on a marriage if they have children. If after a decent effort things haven't improved then it probably is best to separate however the parents should work extremely hard together to make it as smooth for the children as possible. If at all possible I think it is better for the children to remain constantly in the family home and the parents to move between homes but realise that isn't always possible.

Absolutely not, Your kids are very young which to be honest is best they will easily adapt to the change.

I dunno. She works with children day in day out and says she’s never met a child who doesn’t struggle when their parents divorce. I just don’t see how the alternative is any better.

I don’t know if her view is correct but it worries me

Hi OP.

Like others I totally disagree. It's a commonly cited (and true in my opinion) that it's not the splitting up that damages the DCs.. its the relationship that the parents have, how they deal with it and whether or not they can work together to provide the best outcome / life/ stability for the DCs.

My ex H left me and my then 2 year old DD whilst I was pregnant with DS. I didn't have a choice in the matter admittedly and I do appreciate that it's an incredibly tough decision. .. my DD is now 11 and DS 8.. they don't remember us being together.
What they do see is two people who are now divorced but friends, do all the sports days/ plays/ birthdays together/ talk about our parenting and issues that come up and they will never remember any arguments or animosity between us.

I am happily single. He is happily settled with someone else.

Better do it when they are young.

I think all children do struggle Seattle (my parents are divorced as are my DH's), it isn't a question of your children not struggling but which option will cause the least struggle.

I'm a primary teacher and yes, children do struggle initially. How can they not be upset, the entire world as they know it has changed completely, just as I'm sure you'll be upset. It will take time for them to adjust, particularly the eldest, however the majority of children I know are happy and well adjusted. I'd say it's much better to have divorced parents, especially if it can be amicable, than grow up in a household where parents are constantly arguing and the atmosphere is tense.

My mil spent 14 years being unhappy in her marriage because she waited for her boys to grow up, leave home and find partners before she divorced my fil.
Not only is she now incredibly bitter and demanding on her relationship with her son's, but both my DH and his brother feel incredibly sad that she did that, they wished their parents had divorced so much earlier, and they definitely picked up that their parents didn't like each other.

My experience is different, mine separated when I was 4, I have no memory of them being together, there isn't any bitterness and everyone's life moved on without too many problems.

Now my own marriage almost ended at the beginning of this year, but we took a break and made it work again for our own relationship and feelings, it wasn't for our DS.

I don't think it's right to stay together for the kids, I think they often pick up on the tension and as someone said, would you be happy if setting that example your own children then stayed in an unhappy relationship just for their children?

Would you consider relationship counselling?
I felt the same, but didn't want the marriage to end- at the time mainly because of the impact on the children's lives.
It helped!

She is so very very wrong.
Living in a dysfunctional family is way way worse.
And you have one life. And he has one life.
And you children have one childhood. And you all deserve to be happy. And that happiness does not come at the expense of the happiness of others.

No. Children are like sponges, they soak up everything. Even babies. Bad vibes are damaging.

My parents have now been married for 50 years, I am 49 and 45 of those years have been constant bickering, arguing, picking, sniping, interspersed with violent rages and dragging the kids into the middle of it all.
As a child living with parents like that I wished my parents had got divorced, it was and still is utterly miserable, living life on tenterhooks because the situation is so volatile and they are both so unhappy with life & each other. It has damaged me and my sister far more than if they had gone their separate ways and been happy. We left home as soon as we could to escape the situation.
Don't stay for the kids, go now and have another chance at happiness and give your kids that chance too.

I worked in education and have been divorced (with two very young children). Divorce does have an impact, of course but not necessarily wholly negative or long term, particularly if the children are very young.

The most important thing is that you and your husband model a good adult relationship- either together or apart. Give the children consistency, routine and stability. And all of that can be done just as effectively apart. Staying together when it isn't working is destructive for all involved and unless you've been in that situation you cannot fully appreciate it.

Your relation who is advising you has one viewpoint, one that is only representative of some situations.

Good luck.

Hmm I think she is probably right - in general -I was reading about those long range British cohort studies that span several decades and they showed overall children have much worse outcomes when parents don’t stay together. I was surprised what an impact it seems to have and it made me stop and think. ( I don’t mean when abuse/ violence is involved)
If it’s just low level bickering it might be worth getting help and trying to get some strategies to help you communicate etc. Life with small children is such hard work and I think a lot of couples find it impacts badly on relationships. I’m seems so much easier once they’re more independent and you’re less tired.

On balance I would say, it’s better for children to be happy with two loving parents who live separately than those who stay together but are utterly miserable.

Someone I know wasn’t getting on with her DH for a very long time, the marriage was all but over, slept in separate rooms, never did anything as a family etc. She would always say it would destroy my children if we split up, so those children were living with tension, rows etc.

Her children are late teens now, and they are now divorcing, it should have happened years ago IMHO.

Try relationship counseling and see how you go. It sounds like you want to work things out

Sorry if that ended a bit abruptly. What I meant to say was.... I do agree that counselling etc should definitely be sought if either of you think things can get back to where you want them to be. But only if you both genuinely feel like you want to be together. But not the 'pretence' for the DCs.

I have 2 friends whose parents split up later on in life after staying together for the kids. Both feel incredibly annoyed that their parents did this, and now they are grown up enough to understand marriages/ relationships etc they feel even more that way. It's a huge responsibility to unfairly place on the shoulders of any DCs and one that they didn't ask for.

They will always know on a certain level that one or both or you aren't invested or happy and as others have posted, they will learn their relationship model from you two.

I think your cousin's view is incredibly one sided and out dated.

It's very hard having two Small DCs on your own but I think far better than the alternative. From what you say I think you already know this anyway.

My parents stuck together for the children's sakes. When they had another late, baby, my sister and I told them clearly that we wished they hadn't, and that they should not do the same to any subsequent children. They did. We're all adults now and damaged to different degrees by it. Home should be a refuge, but when your parents don't get on it's corrosive. It makes it hard to relax at home. You can end up constantly on edge. Of course, it depends whether there is active sniping or seething resentment or just resignation. None great.

Your relationship is your kids' primary model for what a relationship looks like. You're setting the bar for their future marriages. I had very low standards because I thought that the fact I wasn't constantly arguing with a boyfriend meant that he was The One. Alcoholic? But we don't argue! Slimy bastard? But we don't argue! He's a dream! Seedy much older bloke pawing at your 16 year-old self? Obviously meant to be - we didn't argue, you see....

Things are not as straightforward as your relative says. It's generally advised that it's the conflict at home, which often occurs before divorce but can occur without it, which does the damage, not divorce itself. In other words, divorce gets blamed for the crap that goes on before it. Best case scenario is happily married parents. Yes, everyone agrees that's ideal, but if that is not a realistic prospect, you are looking at divorce VS unhappy home. You can only compare the options which are available to you.

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