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Original poster

Really genuinely..is it ever better to stay together for the kids?

133 replies

GoodAfternoonSeattle · 30/05/2018 07:53

This really.

I don’t want to go into too much detail. We have two very young kids. Three and nearly one.

It’s just not working any more.

I have a relative who is high up in education. Her view, in her experience, is that divorce and separation is very damaging to children. And I can’t do that to my girls.

But how can it not be damaging to grow up in an environment where your parents are always sniping and bickering? I mean we would never have a full on shouting match with the girls there but it’s low level horribleness.

What do you do then? Spend your life pretending that it’s all ok? Swallow down the sniping and the rage till the girls are old enough that they won’t be damaged?

They come first and I’ll do what it takes to keep them happy and normal but something needs to change.

OP posts:
misscph1973 · 30/05/2018 11:18

It's quite simple, really: It's not divorcing or staying together that makes a good childhood. It's the parents and how they behave and treat each other and the DC, married or divorced.

My parents are divorced when I was a teen, and it was awful. It was also awful before they divorced. They couldn't handle being married or being divorced. I love both of my parents very much and I am a fairly normal adult now and my childhood wasn't bad, but I have cried a lot and spent a lot of money on therapy.

I recently separated after spending years trying to avoid getting divorced because I wanted to succeed in marriage unlike my parents. I couldn't do it. But I have found that I can be a good mother to my DC and a good friend to my STBXH. All I had to do was do what was right for me, and then the rest fell into place.

OP, you need to do what's right for you to be able to do what's right for your family. Don't listen to your relative, how dare she be the judge of your life.

m0vinf0rward · 30/05/2018 11:23

No. I split from my ExW a yr ago and this is the happiest I've been in yrs. It shows and therefore my kids are also happier. I would never ever consider getting back with my ex under any circumstance, what we want out of life is too different, but we maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship...and that seems to work well for all involved.

troodiedoo · 30/05/2018 11:23

My father only stayed for mine and my brothers sake. He frequently reminded me of this growing up Hmm

Original poster
GoodAfternoonSeattle · 30/05/2018 11:40

I feel sick to my stomach

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 30/05/2018 11:45

It's very upsetting OP...no getting around that. Change is something all people fear...but in order to improve your life, sometimes you just HAVE to do it.

Is he violent? Are you scared to leave? What is your housing situation? Own or rent;?

Original poster
GoodAfternoonSeattle · 30/05/2018 11:49

No he’s not violent at all. I’m not scared of him. He’s not abusive. He’s not a cheat. He’s a good person who has become miserable and negative and resentful.

We both own the house jointly (mortgaged). Both work although I dropped my hours to part time.

OP posts:
ISeeTheLight · 30/05/2018 11:51

No. My parents did this. When they finally did get divorced (I was 20, DB was 14), both mine and my brother's reaction was relief.

It's very hard to grow up in a house where the parents resent each other. Very hard. I moved out as soon as I could as a very nasty divorce followed. My parents wonder why I live abroad, other family completely understand. Don't put your children through this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2018 11:51

goodmorningseattle

This relation you mention in your initial post is not however, living your life day to day.

Showing them this dysfunctional example of a marriage will harm them far more in the long run than separation. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you.

Remaining in a loveless marriage with undercurrents of spite teaches these children that the relationship was based on a lie and its a heavy burden to place upon them. A loveless marriage for them cannot be their norm too, that is what you are showing them currently that this could be their norm too. They are also not glue and should not be used to bind both he and you together. They also pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and he and they will certainly come to realise that you are both unhappy and even worse blame their own selves.

Sound also travels, they probably have heard and seen far more than either of you perhaps care to realise.

ISeeTheLight · 30/05/2018 11:52

FWIW my father isn't nor wasn't a cheater, abusive, etc. He did work very long hours.To be honest I have no idea how my parents ended up together as they are totally not compatible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/05/2018 11:53

Its not your fault he has become bitter, negative and resentful. That is all on him.

Presumably he blames you for all these traits he now has (and has probably always had to some degree). You are also not responsible for the actions of another person. Do not let him drag you and these children down with him any longer.

Original poster
GoodAfternoonSeattle · 30/05/2018 11:58

No he’s never blamed me. Not to my face anyway. He just plain denies it is the case. But it is.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 30/05/2018 12:05

Speaking from experience OP, staying together caused more harm to my DC. Dd was hospitalized twice for a condition brought on by stress. Yes, your friend is correct that children get upset due to divorce, but those living under stressful conditions dont speak out about it as much. It's all behind closed doors. Much more IMHO. Since the day my ex moved out, dd hasn't had one flare up. It's better for everyone in the long run.

pointythings · 30/05/2018 12:12

There isn't an easy answer, but on balance I come down on the side that says staying in an unhappy marriage is also incredibly damaging. My one wish is that I had started the process of divorcing my (then) functioning alcoholic husband two years before I actually did it. Because living with him in the house has definitely damaged my DDs. They have had counselling and have improved massively since he has left the household, but there are no overnight miracles. He was a shadow over our family - never violent, but always miserable, disengaged from anything but the bottle and the television. Now that he is gone, our lives are immeasurably better. He made his choices, he lives with the consequences every day.

Laniakea · 30/05/2018 12:13

I don't think staying in an unhappy, loveless marriage is good for children. Children learn by watching their parents, reactions to difficult situations, ways of dealing with stress, how to talk to people, how to treat the people you love etc. But I also don't think it's very helpful to cling to the narrative that children exclusively feel relief when their unhappy parents split up. And I absolutely do not believe the happy parent happy child mantra - an awful lot of adult behaviour (only live once, seize the day, only regret what you don't do etc etc etc) is harmful to children.

Children will feel grief, confusion, anger, sadness, even responsibility - but you behave in a way that means they won't be damaged by it (so much easier if both parents are willing).

Laniakea · 30/05/2018 12:15

can behave

misscph1973 · 30/05/2018 12:16

OP, many men become grumpy old men. I think it's the male menopause.

letsdolunch321 · 30/05/2018 12:17

Strange how your relative can think staying together is the right option!!!

My exh & I parted when my dc were 15 & 19 - both the kids agreed they wish it had happened when they were younger simply because they feel home life was so much quieter/not vibey once we parted company.

NameChanger22 · 30/05/2018 12:17

I think if you are gong to split up, it's best to do it as soon as possible, when the kids are as young as possible.

nced · 30/05/2018 12:52

OP I stayed in a very unhappy marriage for my kids. Now my kids have done wonderfully. Both very high achieving and have graduated from good universities and have brilliant jobs.

Would they have done the same if I left their father? Possibly.
I certainly would have had a life. It has effected them. One is very guarded wont let anyone in. The other is very emotional and easily bullied.

YOU can never do right by kids, my advice is do what's right for you. The rest would just follow. As long as you are a good mum it doesn't matter if you are with their father.

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2018 13:02

Talked to my DD about this today. She was just 3 when we divorced. Says she doesn't think it's fucked her up. Definitely wouldn't have preferred us to stay together.

She was talking about this morning with a friend coincidentally and friend said it'd had been hard for her but she was 10 when it happened.

AjasLipstick · 30/05/2018 13:09

OP you have nothing at all to lose and everything to gain.

You're both unhappy...but one of you has to make the move. It sounds like he won't....so it should be you.

How old are your children?

MikeUniformMike · 30/05/2018 13:11

3 & nearly 1

isthismylifenow · 30/05/2018 13:34

Like Wally, i have also discussed this with my ds. He says that things are so much better at home now since the seperation. Look, you have to face that divorce does not come easy. Its tough and there is a lot to consider. But once you are through all of that, it does get better.

I am from divorced parents. I have done ok and havent been set back in any way because of it. To be honest, I was quite relieved when they told me. Hmm

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/05/2018 13:37

If your children are 1 & 3 you are right in the thick of it. It’s such hard work and I think it’s often the case that relationships suffer as they are put on a back burner.

I’m not going to suggest cringey date nights but parenting changes us, maybe you’re missing each other? Maybe it’s the drudgery? Maybe he doesn’t recognise his life anymore? Would he go to counselling alone?

I do think you have to be able to say you tried everything before you end it. If it turns out that he just doesn’t care enough to put some work in, you will know you have done the right thing.

It’s a lot harder to end a marriage if neither party has done something awful. You have to be braver than, say, I had to be as my XH cheated.

AjasLipstick · 30/05/2018 14:15

I agree with what Pan says. It's a terrible time for couples...I mean, there's joy...but a LOT of tiredness and resentment too.

Do you and your DH ever have a laugh together at all OP? Even a little one?