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Original poster

He's got four children by 3 different women. Should I care?

241 replies

1stdatejiggyness · 28/05/2018 23:26

I'm third date in with a guy I really like. However, he has four children by three different women aged 13 years to 1 year old. I think he may ask to take it to the next stage soon but I have my reservations.

I know I don't know the full story and forgive me for stereotyping but I can't help but think he may lack stability or be a player. He's so charming and says all the right things though. I'm worried he may be a womaniser or fall in love too quickly. Not only that, he's been honest and told me he's often broke halfway through the month. I try to be understanding about his financial situation but I'm starting to feel guilty when we spend money on a night out. I'm happy to pay my share but he keeps reminding me how difficult it is to pay for.

Can someone on a below average income really support four children and consider having a girlfriend? He says he has been single and celebate for 6 months.

OP posts:
TheBogWitchIsBack · 29/05/2018 15:06

He has a history of having children and then now hanging around to raise them.
Date him if you must but don't get pregnant.
The best predictor of a persons future behaviour is their past behaviour.

YourVagesty · 29/05/2018 15:27

No way.

Give him an almighty swerve. I don't know you but I am fully confident that you deserve more than this irresponsible man can give you. He won't change - the other three women probably thought he would and now look at them.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/05/2018 15:45

Op, I think you should just concentrate on bringing up your DCs on your own instead of being so desperate for a relationship. It’s sad that you are prepared to date such a loser. At the moment he’s telling you everything he thinks you want to hear but the reality is that until you speak to all his exes you can’t trust anything he says.

I would judge anyone who has 4 children from 3 partners whether they are a man or a woman. It means that their life is very complicated with a ton of baggage!

Halebeke425 · 29/05/2018 15:47

Four potential stepchildren to keep happy, three babymamas in the background, always skint and (rightfully) putting kids needs first, he'd have to be pretty special to continue seeing in my opinion.

Also sounds like he might have commitment issues/falls in love too quickly/lacks maturity/doesn't fully consider consequences/gets bored when the initial excitement dies down in a relationship. That would be my impression of him from this information.

Personally, I wouldn't bother but if you want to keep seeing him I'd say proceed with caution, look out for love bombing and be vigilant with contraception!

loulou987 · 29/05/2018 17:23

No way would I go near a guy that has 4 kids to 3 different women. Some might say that's harsh but that's just me.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/05/2018 17:36

He's a good dad because he took them to comicon (more for adults as far as I know) then trampoling and dinner. Hmm

How often do you take your DC for a day out and then give them their dinner? Fairly often I suspect.

I wonder if he knows who their dentist is and when their next check up is due. Haircuts? When is grandma's birthday? What are his thoughts on school places? How many overnights a week does he have? What are his thoughts on savings for uni?

You don't need a man this desperately do you? A broke man? Who can't use a condom? And thinks contraception is for girls?

loulou987 · 29/05/2018 17:54

For me it's hugely unattractive that he's been so careless

lizzie1970a · 29/05/2018 18:14

By continuing to see him there is more risk of it developing into something, unless you can control that, but it'll be very difficult. Longer term when he's more entrenched in your life and he runs out of money you will probably end up paying as he'll be your BF.

Do you really see any future with him? One where you eventually move in together and he brings your kids up with you, where his kids visit as and when, where if he loses his job you'll have to pay for everything etc? If not, what's the point? Unless you can keep him at arm's length and just have sex with him. Is he anything more than a FWB then?

Long term things will happen - you'll have a plumbing problem and he'll sort it out, so you'll feel you owe him next time he's short on buying the takeaway that week, he'll mow the lawn so you'll start buying the tickets to go to a concert or wherever when you bought the last thing, he'll have temporary cash flow problems and want to move in a while - he's a friend after all how can you say no. It's insidious. Before you know it he could have his feet under the table unless you're very strict about your expectations. Not worth the hassle.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 29/05/2018 18:15

Jesus Christ you rate him for taking his kids out and then feeding them??
That's parenting 101. You gotta feed them.
Raise your standards.

ciderhouserules · 29/05/2018 18:30

OP - for Fucks sake don't have unprotected sex with this 'man'. Condoms all the frigging way. Not for pregnancy, but for STIs!

He will be transfering any diseases from his previous partners to you otherwise. Get tested if you have DtD, ASAP

CopONNotLinkedIn · 29/05/2018 18:33

I overlooked this once, because he'd had one child at 19, one at 27 in a marriage he'd presumed was forever and then later in his late forties he'd had a baby with a younger woman to hold on to her I think. That hadn't worked, so he was in his early 50s with three babymommaz. I overlooked it even though I did think, a woman would be so judged for this. He did turn out to be fickle, irresponsible and selfish.

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 18:38

I wouldn’t recommend him as a friend with benefits! What if there is a contraception failure? Yours I mean as he obviously doesn’t bother.

Hisnamesblaine · 29/05/2018 18:41

What RabbitsAreTasty said........... word for word what I was thinking. Raise your standards OP, before it's too late

Daydreamer2407 · 29/05/2018 18:52

I wouldn't go near tbh. As I'd be thinking why hasn't he stuck around to try and make his family work. Not once but three times this has happened and the youngest is only 1? There must be a reason for the break ups and as it's happened 3 times I'm guessing he's the problem.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 18:56

I'd run the other way. Too many Exes to deal with and I don't need the headache.

juneau · 29/05/2018 18:57

He's got 4 kids already by three women and you've got two of your own? So that's six kids between you and four exes to have to deal with. That sounds horribly complicated. I'm not surprised he's skint and tbh, I'd also think that he has poor judgement (and a very lax attitude to birth control), I'd probably run, not walk away. Why invite such chaos into your life? Are you that desperate for a partner?

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 19:00

Imagine if this was a man saying "She has 4 kids by 3 different men"...

My view would be the same actually... and deep down I'd be thinking it's a worse situation than the other way round.

Pompom42 · 29/05/2018 19:01

Yep my ex had 4
Children by 2 different women and now we are no longer together (we had 1)
he has had another one with someone else so now has 6 children by 4 different women. Forgive me for saying it but I doubt it'll end there. All the flags and alarm bells were ringing for me but I chose to ignore them!
None of the siblings know each other too which I think is sad.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/05/2018 19:05

I know a similar sort of chap. He has five DC by four diff women. Very charming to begin with, talks the talk to reel them in. I'm astounded by how many women fall for him and end up pregnant! Intelligent, attractive women.

He's now 50 and our group of friends pity him as it's looking a bit tragic at his age. He still sees himself as a 'jack the lad' rather than an ageing bell end.

Run OP and don't look back.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/05/2018 19:06

His latest woman (who has just had twins) isn't even aware of his eldest DC Shock

JanetJacket77 · 29/05/2018 19:28

Op youve got such low expectations 🙁

Charley50 · 29/05/2018 19:30

"He still sees himself as a 'jack the lad' rather than an ageing bell end"
Lol!

Walkaboutwendy · 29/05/2018 20:09

So does he pay maintenance to the level he should OP? Pretty hollow taking your kids to comicon if he isn't don't you think?

Please set your sights a bit higher. You've got vulnerable and lonely written all over you atm and he is playing you like a fiddle.

He's already got you feeling sorry for him.

He's manipulating your motherly feelings by dangling his kids outing in front of you (probably knowing your ex wouldn't do it so will be hitting the button with that one).

Please take a long hard look at what he is not saying not just what he is

Thesearepearls · 29/05/2018 20:12

I don't think I would have gone on a first date with this chap, and I've only read the OP

Letting him into your life has to be a mistake

adayatthebeach · 29/05/2018 23:41

You want a happy future right? So RUN!