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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's got four children by 3 different women. Should I care?

241 replies

1stdatejiggyness · 28/05/2018 23:26

I'm third date in with a guy I really like. However, he has four children by three different women aged 13 years to 1 year old. I think he may ask to take it to the next stage soon but I have my reservations.

I know I don't know the full story and forgive me for stereotyping but I can't help but think he may lack stability or be a player. He's so charming and says all the right things though. I'm worried he may be a womaniser or fall in love too quickly. Not only that, he's been honest and told me he's often broke halfway through the month. I try to be understanding about his financial situation but I'm starting to feel guilty when we spend money on a night out. I'm happy to pay my share but he keeps reminding me how difficult it is to pay for.

Can someone on a below average income really support four children and consider having a girlfriend? He says he has been single and celebate for 6 months.

OP posts:

nannybeach · 29/05/2018 07:23

Not much help I know, but my DHs friend was like this, he told girlfriends after his divorce, (they were long term) he didnt want any more kids, both assured him they were on the pill, (lied) my MIL was really nasty about this said it was his fault he should have used condoms, rich coming from her, but thats another story) paying out maintenence etc, he commited suicide in his 30s! I would take things slowely, so many people rush into a sexual relationship, a the drop of a hat these days, (I expect lots of replies now, saying you went out together for 2 years before having sex!) without bothering to get to know each other first, I suppose at least he was honest and told you.

Tiddlywinks63 · 29/05/2018 07:28

...I have a decent amount of money..... 😳 he probably views you as a source to support his four DCs?
Regardless of how charming he is I would be extremely wary op. He sounds highly irresponsible to me.

SoapOnARoap · 29/05/2018 07:29

I wouldn’t get your hopes up with this one.

Scott72 · 29/05/2018 07:31

All evidence suggests he is a womanizer and a player, and if you stick around he will break your heart. But he is charming, exciting and good looking too I bet. It seems that the most desirable men are often the most unstable.

OhGrrr · 29/05/2018 07:40

I wouldn't date him.

I went on two dates once with a man. He told me on the first date that he and his ex wife had a child.

On the second date he revealed that he actually had two children and that the second was a result of a one night stand shortly after his marriage ended. He saw the first child regularly but the second one only occasionally because it didn't feel as 'real' to him as the one he'd had with his wife. The value of his children was relative to the seriousness of the relationship he'd had with their mothers.

There wasn't a third date.

When someone tells you who they are...

LunaTheCat · 29/05/2018 07:42

There’d flag for me would be his pressuring you financially - if he cannot afford to date then he shouldn’t be dating. He is also hugely financially committed with 3 children. I would run for the hills - he has played this game before.

JanetJacket77 · 29/05/2018 07:43

3 different women? Its like he doesnt care about contraception or rushes into happy familiea but then happy to move on to a new adventure.. like perpetually chasing the happy family unit. I wouldnt be interested.
Had it been 4 kids by one or two women maybe but 3+ no.

annandale · 29/05/2018 07:48

Someone who is seeing their 4 kids 'a lot' won't have much time left over for you. It sounds like you don't think you deserve much. Walk away.

WellDoneTiger · 29/05/2018 07:49

People don't change OP. You're just the next one. How do you think he sucked the other women up? Please tread very very carefully.

I'm sure you can do better than him. Have you met any of his previous girlfriends?

Tit4TatandAllThat · 29/05/2018 07:51

Youarenot my responses wouldn't be different. No way would I get involved. There is just TOO much baggage and it more than likely won't end well.

mistermagpie · 29/05/2018 07:52

DH has a friend who has four children with three mothers and a fifth on the way with mum number four. Lovely bloke but permanently skint and probably not exactly a 'hands on' dad. I would date someone like him in a million years. I hate the term 'baggage' but...

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 07:53

Has he had a vasectomy yet?

Ask him if he wants more children in the future. I bet he says yes. Because he has got the easy end of the deal hasn’t he.

Collaborate · 29/05/2018 07:55

An astounding selection of responses here. I shudder to think how this has made mothers of children to different fathers feel, as I'm sure you would all apply this twisted logic where the sexes are reversed.

Wishmeluck2018 · 29/05/2018 07:55

Cant you not date without having commitment (babies)?

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 07:56

Not really as presumably it’s one mother one home.

annandale · 29/05/2018 07:58

Collaborate as a pp said, when I meet mums of a family with more than one father, of whom i know several, they are without exception so far living with the children and looking after them. Not 'seeing their kids a lot' [chinny reckon]

Charley50 · 29/05/2018 07:59

@Collaborate - totally different scenario unless this guy is the resident parent to all of these kids, which of course he isn't!

Unihorn · 29/05/2018 08:03

The idea of organising sleeping and living arrangements were you to live together would make my head hurt. It's bad enough trying to sort shit with one stepdaughter sometimes.

FriendlyOcelot · 29/05/2018 08:04

Good god, no way. Even if he were a millionaire and as fit as David Beckham I wouldn’t go near. I’d find it a massive turn off. Sorry but my need for no drama is too strong.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/05/2018 08:05

I'd be worried that I'd end up paying for everything. If he's supporting his dc properly, then he will not have much money for dating, paying his share of bills, nice things like holidays. If he's not sprnding his money on the dc, then he's not someone you really want to get caught up with.

Quimby · 29/05/2018 08:06

“People wouldn't say the same thing, if it's a women with dc by multiple fathers, because inevitably the woman would be actually bringing the children up!”

Yeah but she wouldn’t be financially viable and would probably have made the man pay for half of one of the three dates so is obviously a scrounged viewing him as a money pit because she didn’t pay for all three completely.

Biologifemini · 29/05/2018 08:08

He has a 1 year old.
Imagine being left with an under 1 year old. You have to be a special type of thoughtless person to do this.
He is an absolute twit.
Get out now. 4 kids are expensive to maintain too.

Sametimesameplace · 29/05/2018 08:10

If/when you sleep together I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there was not a condom in sight.

BipolarSunset · 29/05/2018 08:12

If this was about a woman with children by different Fathers, the responses would be very different..

This ^

So many judgemental people here. If your mutual friend can vouch that he is a good dad, he's skint because he pays for his kids and has been upfront and honest with you the whole time then if you like him - go for it.

Numerous kids by numerous mums can be complicated but it's down for you to decide whether you can deal with this or not...no one else can do that for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP x

Gaspodethetalkingdog · 29/05/2018 08:17

He is looking for a new woman who will provide him with housing, food, probably money for going out, new car etc.

Run like the wind, living by yourself will be better than the nightmare he will create - if you have a child what is the chance of him contributing anything towards it?

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