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Original poster

DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

597 replies

OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:03

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

OP posts:
Thewhale2903 · 26/05/2018 00:20

I completely understand where your coming from OP. I would be so angry. If he just sat at the bar why go? Sure there were a few other bars he could have went to. It's not about being jealous that he has seen other woman naked, it's the fact they have been to a place that is specifically sells woman as sexual objects.
I'm sure if a man walked up to a prostitute in the street and said I'm not here for sex I just want a lap dance, then everyone Wpuld be ok with this? Hmm

DialsMavis · 26/05/2018 00:20

It really doesnt have to be per for the course with stag dos. People (men or women) either think that women are a commodity that can be purchased, or they dont

bergamotbitch · 26/05/2018 00:22

Just curious but do any of you shop at primark? What about the sweatshops etc that major retail chains have been found to be using. Would that put you off buying clothes? If there was even a small chance that your vest top had been made by a child forced into work would you still shop there? Genuine question.

Singlenotsingle · 26/05/2018 00:23

So do you think the strippers are being exploited. Is that what it is? A bit like beauty contests and F1 girls? Surely, if they can earn a living by showing off their bodies then they are entitled to do so? Why should they be deprived of the right to earn a living just because you disapprove? You may have a degree and a high flying career (I don't know) but not everyone is as lucky as you!

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2018 00:26

@Melliegrantfirstlady

"And honestly please realise men have fantasies, admire women all the time - alll day long (some of them) and you will never ever imo meet a fella who doesn’t. Men love sex, women, scantily clad women."

I've met quite a few gay men who don't spend all day thinking about women.

"Men love sex, women, scantily clad women."

Admire as in think well of, love as in care for. Say what you mean. Do you mean men fantasize about sex a lot? Sometimes I fantasize about all kinds of things, doesn't mean I get to do them! (Telling my kids how pissed off I am with them, telling my boss I want to leave my job, saying I've won the lottery.)

Being sexually attracted to the opposite (or same) sex is perfectly normal but paying people to dance around naked isn't normal to me. And I hope these men who think about it all day do not have demanding jobs!

DialsMavis · 26/05/2018 00:30

It doesn't really matter what I think really. My husband thinks it's all vile and tragic... you marry someone who is (Mostly) on the same page morally dont you?

HelenaDove · 26/05/2018 00:30

bergamot bitch the difference is that women on low incomes in the UK may only be able to afford to buy from cheaper shops that use the manual labour of women on a low income in another country. Its called the cycle of poverty. Women in the UK on JSA or Universal Credit really do have limited choices where they can afford to shop.

Its really a low blow and misogynistic to use UK working class women as whataboutery to counter the fact that richer or more well off men who CAN afford to make a choice are choosing to take economic advantage of women in the sex industry.

MovingThisYearHopefully · 26/05/2018 00:30

Troll post! Wink Fucking hilarious! Grin

Raisinshoes · 26/05/2018 00:30

what were the jobs these women resigned to dedicate more time to stripping? Were they barristers? Doctors

Typeractive, one of the girls I knew who was a stripper, was also a grid girl for motoring events. Now that’s been banned, she will probably spend more time stripping as her main income.

soapboxqueen · 26/05/2018 00:30

I'd be pissed off too OP. My dh knows my feelings on it and why. He agrees. I agree things can be difficult to stand up to when in a group. Peer pressure can always be a challenge. However I think it is pathetic to say men can't stand up to that. I don't think people realise how misandrist they are being by claiming men are these base creatures that have no compassion.

It isn't about jealousy or trust. It's about a belief that such industries harm women individually and as a whole. Participation fuels the harm caused. There is no way of looking at a woman and knowing whether she is trafficked or how she came to be there. No way. I do not believe the benefits of being able to watch a naked woman outweigh the damage done to those who do not want to be there.

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2018 00:30

@Raisinshoes "Italian greyhound, it would be far too outing for me to disclose my job." I really don't expect you to. Please don't think I was prying Smile

"... most men wouldn’t think twice about stepping into a strip club, unless they thought they would be punished in some way by their partner. Also it’s legal, so in their minds they are not doing anything ‘wrong.’"

Can you link to the poll?

Adultery isn't illegal either, do most men feel the same about adultery?

TheNavigator · 26/05/2018 00:30

Deal breaker for me. But I gave been married for over 25 years & stag nights never included this sexist shit in the crowds I knew when I married. My DH has never been to a strip club. Simple base line, but I wouldn't have married a man who had.

Petitepamplemousse · 26/05/2018 00:31

I think a lot of women conflate their jealousy and personal discomfort with this issue. It’s not great but it’s a stag do and to say it’s a relationship deal breaker is unbelievably OTT.

Fevs · 26/05/2018 00:31

@bergamotbitch

I know a few strippers personally and their situation is nothing like a Primark worker - if that’s the comparison you are trying to make?
The word stripper covers a pretty big industry with a huge variety of jobs and wealth.

HelenaDove · 26/05/2018 00:31

ive never shopped at Primark but may do one day No one ever knows whats around the corner.

Italiangreyhound · 26/05/2018 00:32

PS the idea 80% men don't think it is wrong is really sad. I feel we are heading back to the dark ages....

Typeractive · 26/05/2018 00:35

I just checked a yougov poll, to make sure that I didn’t have a skewed perspective on this subject, and it confirmed that less than 20% of men interviewed would refuse to visit a strip club because they felt uncomfortable.

That's about what I'd have guessed. I'm very happy to date within that pool and leave the 80%+ for the cool girls.

CadyHeron · 26/05/2018 00:36

On a stag night? Meh,not ideal but hardly a "deal breaker".

Typeractive · 26/05/2018 00:37

I was wondering when the first faux-concerned Primark post would appear. It's obligatory on threads about sex work.

Raisinshoes · 26/05/2018 00:38

Italian greyhound, absolutely

yougov.co.uk/news/2015/06/30/strip-club-stag-do/

Adultery isn't illegal either, do most men feel the same about adultery?

It’s not a matter of what people think about adultery, but more what they do

Most people would would say that adultery is wrong, but over 1/3 of relationships end because of infidelity. So there’s a lot of people out there who find reasons to do things that they themselves don’t think are moral

LighthouseSouth · 26/05/2018 00:40

OP I'm with you
Possibly literally from the feminist boards!

It's the woman as fuckhole plus he didn't even want to say "not for me" and opt out.

bergamotbitch · 26/05/2018 00:40

@Fevs I was just wondering if the people who wouldn't step foot in a strip club on the whatever percent chance that the women in there were trafficked applied the same thinking to where their clothes came from or applied it to any other aspects of their lives or if it was just an issue in the sex industry for them. Tone perhaps doesn't come across well over the internet but it wasn't a loaded question. I'm genuinely curious if that was a concern for them too.

bergamotbitch · 26/05/2018 00:43

@fevs I also know a few strippers personally, it wasn't so much about the situation of the strippers, more about the people who assumed all sex workers were forced into it. I was just interested in their opinions. I've not been on any other sex industry threads so sorry if I've offended. I thought this was a really interesting discussion and didn't realise that was a cliche. I'll back out now.

HelenaDove · 26/05/2018 00:46

bergamot you were still criticising UK working class women who have little choice and pitting them against richer men who do.

AuntyElle · 26/05/2018 00:51

Mellie, MMmomDD, Cherryberrypie have to be sock-puppetting, surely? There can’t be three posters coming out with such very similar shite, and in same tone?