DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

If he really understands the issue and isn't dismissive then could you consider giving him the benefit of the doubt? It is one mistake, which he could easily learn from.

This has nothing to do with trust. Or jealousy.

It is simply objectifying women.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Why do stag do’s have to end up in strip clubs? Why must we accept this ‘harmless’ bit of ‘fun’?

Also, it’s nowt to do with ‘letting’ him or not. He shouldn’t be ‘oh, my missus wouldn’t like that’, it should be ‘I don’t agree with it’.

I have a DH that doesn’t watch porn. They are about.

@Raisinshoes "... think it’s due to socialising with people who are strippers, dominatrixes etc. The people that I know, view it as their profession, so I guess it has been normalised to me in a way."

Wouldn't that be the same if you socialised with anyone? Does it make it right in your eyes? Just because other people think it is normal, or say they think it is normal, doesn't mean it is normal. I guess what I am saying is that women (or men) who are engaged in the sex-industry may well rationalize their decisions and give an outward view of things. It's possible that later, after leaving their profession, they may view it differently.

One thing I find quite worrying is that 'sex-work' is often justified on the basis of how much women can earn, (thinking specifically of women here) but the reality is that quite a lot of women are engaged in sex work which does not necessarily pay very well. Does that make sense?

"And no I’m not easily shocked." That was a bit of a joke!

"And I know that a lot of men will tell their partners that they feel uncomfortable in a strip club, because they think it’s what they want to hear."

Do they, or do they tell you that they do not feel uncomfortable because they think that is what you want to hear?

"Right or wrong, I’m just sharing my experiences of people telling me things that they wouldn’t necessarily tell their partner." Why are these guys sharing all this stuff with you? I wonder if they get some thrill from talking about stuff with you that they can't talk about with their wives. That may be fine by you but I'd not necessarily believe everything they say.

For me the willingness of some men to watch women in compromised positions etc makes me less likely to take them seriously.

"Sometimes strangers get to see a side of a person that their partner doesn’t get to see." That is most definitely true, but I am not sure why you want to see it. Are you a counsellor? If so, yes I get it.

Maybe the best thing would be for men to be honest about what they like and don't like, how they feel and what they do. Then see if the women in their lives want to be with them. And they could pick women who share their values and ideas. Rather than telling their wives one thing and other people something else.

Of course I’m fucking getting it you dozy mare!
Fuck sake

She has explained that because of his trip to a strip club she is now worrying that he will go again

My point - again - is this (read it out loud so you understand dear)

Is she trusts her husband then she wouldn’t need to worry where he may go when he’s not with her!

There. Is that clear enough for you petal?

Of course she is perfect and never makes mistakes

I have never mistakenly gone into a strip club. Have you?

It is not a mistake. He made a choice.

Couldn't agree more @AskAuntLydia

Hear hear Italiangreyhound

Your language is quite misogynistic isn’t it WIlding?

‘Dozy mare’, ‘read it out loud so you understand dear’, ‘petal’ etc

Wildling, you're so not getting it

Must be a very weak relationship if a strip club is a big issue. Therefore if it is (and that is fine) it is probably not a good relationship.

Your language is quite misogynistic isn’t it WIlding? ‘Dozy mare’, ‘read it out loud so you understand dear’, ‘petal’ etc

Surely that language is just quite Northern? And rude, obviously, but it is an argument on AIBU after all.

I'm amazed how many people are saying this is fine. This is about shared values, and not going along with stuff that's shit because there's some kind of social excuse. I wouldn't expect dh to suddenly go along with anti-semitic shit if his mates did; I wouldn't expect him to exploit women if his mates did. I expect him to be a decent person, and to me, institutional exploitation doesn't fall into that camp. In fact, one of the moments that grounds me whoever I have a strop with him is knowing that he joined twitter before me, and when I followed him I found he'd been tweeting the Sun about stopped p.3. Not because he thought I'd approve, but because he thought it was p.3 is a shit thing to have.

I wouldn't be so worried about the friends relationship & wedding - as is evidenced by this thread other people are weird. I'd be bloody unimpressed dh didn't have the nerve to speak up and try and stop his mate - but beyond that, he's responsible for himself only.

OP, do you not believe that if he said to you he'd never do this again now that he knows 100% how you feel about it, he would keep his word?
Or is it that purely having gone this one time in itself is an absolute dealbreaker? It's your choice and your right to act on it if so. Just that the stuff about not being able to trust him in future made it seem possibly like version one.

I can’t read this thread anymore, the utter idiocy of some of the posts is making me really angry.

Obviously not ASkAuntLydia, ItalianGreyhound etc

Wilding, it's about his values, not whether or not he will comply with her wishes.

Do you see the difference?

@OhYikesThisIsBad

"The sad thing is, the fucker who "led them" in there is a right malicious fucker and I could believe would have done it to test them, get them in trouble with the wives, make them feel uncomfortable."

That's really sad, I'd talk to your partner about this aspect of it. If so it sounds like a bit of a set up, but still your partner should have had the courage of his convictions.

"But DP said, nowt, and went along with it. I'm very sad - we'd been talking about buying a house, having kids etc." I really think you and your dp need to have a chat and see if you can get on the same page. If he understands how important this is to you, can he make sure if the situation happens again, he will behave differently.

Others may feel this controlling but I feel that if a partner knows their wife (or husband) doesn't agree with strip clubs then their going to them shows a lack of respect and is also a form of control. Better to get on the same page together. OP if you dp really didn't understand how strongly how you feel then is there room to talk about this?

In light of this whether you go to the wedding or not is not really an issue, do whatever suits you better.

YANBU, Op.

Saddens me to see the number of women saying 'it's just a strip club, get over it'

Women on here thinking its OK for other women to demean themselves by dancing naked to induce strange men (their husbands) to get a hard-on. They don't see those woman as sexual objects?

I'd be just as appalled as you.

Donquixote - erm they’re words only used as insults to women... can a man be a ‘dozy mare’, do people usually patronise men with ‘dear’ or ‘petal’?

Why am I having to explain this???

I dunno why you're so mad at me @Hateloggingin

I'm ok with me, my decisions and my beliefs.

If op is 100%?sure about her decision then ok. However I'm guessing one of the reasons for posting is to gather other people's thoughts.

I still think that ending a 5 year relationship over this is an overreaction.

I don't think she's over reacting being mad, upset etc but ending the relationship? I think she'll regret it.

It doesn't really matter what my standards are but please redirect your ire away from me.

I don't think its right to portray all women who work in the sex industry as being forced into it either that's just saying that women can't make up their own mind to work in an industry that does indeed pay them well for a "skill" only they can offer. Just 10 minutes on a website like tumblr will give you the blogs of thousands of women happily working in the sex industry, who don't feel forced or coerced in anyway. Of course I'm not denying that women aren't trafficked into it but I am saying that you're wrong to say that all women are and to state that as fact is disrespectful to those women who have chosen this as a career course.

You're angry at him because you are viewing sex workers as victims, women who are incapable of making the choice to do sex work and so must have been forced into it.

5,145 people were identified as potential victims of trafficking in the UK in 2017 research in 2015 showed there was an estimated 72,800 sex workers in the UK so in all likelihood the people working at the strip club would have chosen to work there.

THIS IS NOT AIBU although it's in Active

(can i get it out of there?)

If the Daily Mail picks this up I'd just like to make it clear that I am openly campaigning against Brexit and would also be happy to be quoted as a "womens rights activist". TIA.

Stupid fucking fucker. I'm so angry - possibly at my own doubt that I should dump him.

Thanks Italian I know you a little from my normal MN name. It's just so shit.

I once ended up in a sex bar in Thailand with a big groups of mates. It was a long time ago. It was seen as just some thing everyone did. I didn’t really expect it to be quite so graphic as it was. We had a few beers and left. It made a lasting impression on me and I read up a lot about the whole issue from all sides. I don’t like the idea of strip clubs but life isn’t always so simple

x-post with lots of others.
My issue about strip clubs isn't jealousy (wtf?!) it's the basic concept that dh would think 'paying a woman to take her kit off for mine and my mates pleasure is an OK thing to do'; and 'it's fine for women - like my daughter - to be in a situation where getting their kit off for random strangers for money is an ok thing to do'. Course I'd be pissed off on a personal level, but mostly it would be about him not being the man I thought he was.

fairymuff I can understand not wanting to ruin your sister in laws event but why does earning lots of money make something OK?

italian no it doesn't make it ok but it does highlight the power relationships created by how much money someone earns. There's not a lot of distinction on this thread made between sex workers/lap dancers/strippers - stereotypes of subjugation and lack of choice seem to be being applied to all - and that just isn't the case. The reasons why people go into these roles are many and applying stereotypes is not always helpful.