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Original poster

DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

597 replies

OhYikesThisIsBad · 25/05/2018 22:03

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 26/05/2018 23:59

@drspouse
If you want H and yourself not to associate with men who’ve been to strip clubs (at some point of their lives); and - I presume - with men who watch porn - I wonder how many friends you’d be left with.

Just saying.

AskAuntLydia · 27/05/2018 00:01

He's an adult. He makes his own decisions

Yes. And you have the right to think those decisions are reasonable or too skanky to live with.

You think it's reasonable. The OP suspects she may find it too skanky to live with.

Finding the latter, does not imply that the OP doesn't think adult men should make their own decisions.

AskAuntLydia · 27/05/2018 00:01

shouldn't make their own decisions, sorry.

AskAuntLydia · 27/05/2018 00:03

No should

Oh sod it it's past midnight. YKWIM. Grin

Kursk · 27/05/2018 00:05

It wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. I have been to strip clubs with DH. We were in a business trip and went as part of a group on the suggestion of a female in the group.

Not my thing but something to tick off my bucket list

rcat · 27/05/2018 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JemmimaJ · 27/05/2018 00:09

Well yes, he is not a child and you can't tell him what to do. Maybe now is the time for a talk in boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable to you. Then possible move forward knowing this has been discussed? Confused

jasmin93 · 27/05/2018 00:13

Yabu

SickofPeterRabbit · 27/05/2018 02:32

You ended a five year relationship because he went to a strip club?!?!?! 😯🤦🏼‍♀️

FGS! Love is hard enough to find as it is, without this new trend of chucking men away at the first hurdle!!!

Relationships are not disposable! Not like that

PrivateDancers · 27/05/2018 02:33

Not my thing but something to tick off my bucket list

Isn't a bucket list for stuff you've always wanted to do?

LOL at my user name Soz Grin

SickofPeterRabbit · 27/05/2018 02:36

You keep telling yourself that Fizzy!

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 27/05/2018 02:45

The ticket price in these places includes the first private dance. If he went into the lap dancing joint, he most likely had a private dance.

HelenaDove · 27/05/2018 02:51

PeterRabbit The OP can end a relationship at any time for any reason she chooses.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 03:03

You ended a five year relationship because he went to a strip club?!?!?! 😯🤦🏼‍♀️

Isn't it amazing when women know what they want out of life and expect to get it.

So many women on this thread who seem to think having a relationship is all about settling for some shit that is less bad than other shit.

It really doesn't have to be like that. There are actually lots of decent men out there. People here seem to have a very grim view of men. That is not my experience.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 03:05

Not my thing but something to tick off my bucket list

Watching a woman strip for money was on your bucket list?

Nowt as queer as folk.

Scott72 · 27/05/2018 04:25

Pallisers of course OP should end the relationship if feel this a dealbreaker, in fact they would both be better off. But you're saying any man who would visit a strip club by definition isn't "decent"? What about a man who hasn't visited one, but who's merely ambivalent? You know there are many women, indeed feminist women, who don't hate strip clubs on principle.

SameTerfDifferentUserName · 27/05/2018 07:44

I used to be a bit on the fence about this. Close friends had a similar situation, I stayed on the fence and didn’t tell her to leave. They stayed together and much worse has happened since. It’s an indication of character, it’s an indication of a total lack of respect for all women, including the OP. Leave him. Leave him NOW. Listen to the posters on this thread who care about you, not the ‘cool wives’.

Fevs · 27/05/2018 08:14

@sameterfdifferentusername
The ‘cool’ wives?!

Just because some women don’t agree with tarring all men with the same brush or immediately thinking the worst if faced with a situation that they may not like, doesn’t mean they care less, are less of a feminist or think they’re in any way ‘cool’
It comes down to what you feel comfortable with in your relationship and the trust and respect between you. For me that’s bigger then a one off visit to a strip club. And that’s not because I think I’m cool, it’s because I trust my husband and he trusts me.
Some men will go to strip clubs and cheat. Some men won’t.
Some men won’t ever go to a strip club and still cheat.

Childrenofthesun · 27/05/2018 08:42

I'm inclined to agree that it can be difficult in a group situation like a stag do to be the only one not to go along with the plan, feel like you are spoiling the event for the groom etc.It would be different if he had organised the trip, or it was his own stag do.

IMO, shared views are fundamental in the success of the relationship, but one partner may have them to a greater or lesser extent than the other. It is very difficult to find a partner who feels exactly the same as you on every issue. If he went to the club and said actually it was fine, the women seemed to be enjoying themselves etc and he'd changed his view of them, then that would be a problem. However, if you have an otherwise good relationship and generally see eye to eye on things, I wouldn't throw away a five year relationship over this.

Masterbuilders · 27/05/2018 08:58

It’s all horses for courses. Personally I would never date a man who is into the ‘Brits abroad type holidays’. The cheap, tacky drink heavy culture is not me.

If my husband did go on holiday to one of these stag resorts which aren’t him so no worries. However if he did I’d finish it no question and he wouldn’t even need to set foot in a strip club.

However that’s because knowing people who work in these countries who are told explicitly not to go to these areas as they are over run by gangs. Exploiting the women and exploiting the drunk men. Just strip clubs they are not. So it could put the men visiting them in potential ‘risky’ situations.

The foreign stag resorts are over run with gangs exploiting Eastern European and Russian Women. The men won’t tell their wives this and they won’t say exactly what goes on in these ‘strip’ clubs and the wives will continue to put their fingers in their ears singing ‘it’s just a harmless strip club’. Then the industry can keep on booming and these gangs can keep exploiting these women for sex services.

drspouse · 27/05/2018 09:00

@MMmomDD
Plenty of grown up men don't watch porn. Even more never visit strip clubs. I'm sure there are work colleagues of DH and I that do, but neither of us would want to be friends with them.
If either of us found out that any of our friends went to strip clubs then why would we want to have them as friends any more? Why would you want to have someone who pays for women to degrade themselves as a friend?
Pretty sure I wouldn't want to work with someone like that either.

MMmomDD · 27/05/2018 09:36

@drspouse
Most men at some point if their lives have seen porn and/or been to a club.
Most don’t go regularly, sure.
Many look at porn, with a certain regularity.
Many women also look at porn.

It doesn’t make most people bad or unworthy, somehow.

drspouse · 27/05/2018 09:45

I don't know what my friends do in private but I'm 51 and nobody that is my friend has EVER told me they look at porn. Not once. Some when I was in my 20s but it gave me a good indication that they were not someone I wanted to be friendly with.
Both porn and strip clubs are degrading to women and I'm not really interested in being friends with someone who thinks that's OK. Not sure why I should have to think it's OK just because lots of people do it?

AskAuntLydia · 27/05/2018 10:00

FGS! Love is hard enough to find as it is, without this new trend of chucking men away at the first hurdle!!! Relationships are not disposable! Not like that

See this for me is the crux of why women put up with all this shit from men. We are groomed to believe the romance and love are so precious and beautiful that we need to do everything we can to hang on to it.

Well guess what, we don't. It's great to be single and not have to live with a man you slightly despise or don't fully respect and therefore feel a bit shit about yourself for living with him. It's great to not have to lie to yourself about the adult you live with, so that the denial protects you from how depressing it is to live with someone who's a bit shit. Mainstream media does not sing the praises of being single rather than just treating a relationship which compromises your equilibrium as disposable.

Sharkwithknees · 27/05/2018 10:02

A few of my friends were strippers in London some years ago. They loved it and say they felt empowered and not at all degraded. I've been to them and don't see it as a big deal. Quite often they're open all hours so are an option after the bars are closed. BUT, if it's a deal breaker for you then he needs to respect that.