DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

I agree with you op, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who thought it was ok to be in a strip club.

Dh has a strange situation currently; he's been invited to his future son in law's stag do in October which he'd declined, but he's still included in the group chat on whatsapp. Last week he asked me to google where they're all going - yep, one of the places on the list is a lap dancing/strip club. He wants to tell his dd. I don't think the groom knows (he's not in the group chat and last time we spoke didn't even know which city they were going to). I'm amazed some women are ok with this - 'grim' is right.

What a horrible situation to be in

The day that mothers on here boast about their daughter’s gap year as a lapdancer, or prostitute, is the day I might consider accepting prostitution as work. We all know that prostitution is not just a job like any other. It isn’t a choice made on a level playing field. It is usually a “choice” made by girls and women who have run out of choices, have had choice taken away from them, or who have had the sort of childhood where abuse is normalised. That men take advantage of this and treat women and girls as things to be bought and sold is a terrible thing. Honestly if I believed all men were like this I would be celibate.
I have daughters, the thought of them being paid to lie under some stinky old bloke, or gyrate naked on a drunk man’s lap.... well, it is just ghastly. Those of you who are pro strip clubs and prostitution, would you really be delighted if that was your daughter, and see it as her choice ? That word choice is used to cover a whole host of evils, from sexual purchase of women’s bodies to saying “well why didn’t she leave “ ? When a woman is being abused. Choice is relative , we don’t all have all options open to us, and for trafficked women and girls, there is no choice at all.

Much has been said from the two main sides of the debate so I won't bother saying more; just that I really sympathise OhYikes, had a similar experience myself. Was one of the reasons I ended the relationship a while later.

We ended up getting back together 3 yrs later, but the subject (which we discussed ad nauseum and it was established that if anything similar 'happened' again would end the relationship) still occasionally crops up e.g. recently we returned to live in the same area as the stag and I may have to socialise with him and his wife; I still don't want to, will be trying to avoid it and its an issue.

Now I can't quite stick to my first sentence - women who keep referring to UK strip clubs and male strippers and strippers/lap dancers who do it by choice/with a true choice etc. - don't be so naive. Many European strip clubs are just brothels. And for that matter, many UK strip clubs vary a huge amount, and push the envelope too.

The OP's partner may have really just done what he's said, equally I suppose he may not (only he and his mates know - I suppose putting yourself in that 'light end of the sex industry' realm and your partner having that question is part of what makes it so unfair/inappropriate as well.

And if anyone's wondering how I know many European strip clubs are brothels; the less 'discrete' among the men I know who've been in them have outlined what they saw happen and what they participated in in those clubs.

(And even if he did do only what he said, I still understand 100% when women are upset and deeply disappointed by this - both in a personal and wider way).

If your partner has sexual interaction with another woman (not even including touching) it's considered cheating; but if you walk in the door of a strip club, it's not (?)

The other thing is that most men who do this would shit bricks if their partners did the opposite. It's 'only a bit of fun' when it's men who are doing it. The contact - and potential contact in strip clubs, lap dancing clubs (and brothels masquerading as them) is in a different league from male strip shows; which are 100% of the time not private and on a stage etc. It's because they don't have it done to them by their wives and gf's that they think it's ok.

Have you spoken yet OP?
I agree with you 100%
Ignore the cool wives that are okay with another womens vagina in their mans face "eye role"

I'm glad I'm not marrying a man that think women are objects.

"Oh its a stag do!"
Yeah that makes it okay because?

These women really make me laugh!

I also wouldn't believe he just "sat their"

The day that mothers on here boast about their daughter’s gap year as a lapdancer, or prostitute, is the day I might consider accepting prostitution as work. We all know that prostitution is not just a job like any other. It isn’t a choice made on a level playing field. It is usually a “choice” made by girls and women who have run out of choices, have had choice taken away from them, or who have had the sort of childhood where abuse is normalised. That men take advantage of this and treat women and girls as things to be bought and sold is a terrible thing. Honestly if I believed all men were like this I would be celibate.
I have daughters, the thought of them being paid to lie under some stinky old bloke, or gyrate naked on a drunk man’s lap.... well, it is just ghastly. Those of you who are pro strip clubs and prostitution, would you really be delighted if that was your daughter, and see it as her choice ?

I agree with every word of this post.

OP's hugely over-reacting. strip clubs are vile but almost all men have been to one at some point or other. It's not like you're describing a man who's a regular on normal [i.e. non stag do] nights.

I just checked a yougov poll, to make sure that I didn’t have a skewed perspective on this subject, and it confirmed that less than 20% of men interviewed would refuse to visit a strip club because they felt uncomfortable.

That's about what I'd have guessed. I'm very happy to date within that pool and leave the 80%+ for the cool girls

Yep. Those are the 80% of men I really don't want anything to do with.

“But almost all men have been to one at some point or other.”

You’re not speaking for me there, thanks. Have never, and wouldn’t ever, set foot in one - in this country or any other.

Seedy, shameful, expensive fronts for organised crime. I really don’t understand the attraction.

Hubby been to strip clubs on stag do's. He's not a fan but went along because that's what was expected.

Why was it expected? Why does he have shit friends?

Hasnt affected us at all. He was uncomfortable, sat at bar too with some others....he made the best compromise as far as I could see.

What was the compromise? Why did he need to compromise? I think it's a compromise when 2 friends want to see different films, one wants to see an arthouse and one wants to see a Hollywood adventure film, so they compromise and see a rom com.

I'm puzzled as to the nature of the compromise your OH made.

SirVixofVixHall "The day that mothers on here boast about their daughter’s gap year as a lapdancer, or prostitute...."

Yes, totally agree.

I'd be upset. But then my bf went ballistic at me for being upset that he went to watch a dwarfs shagging show so 🤷‍♀️ guess my bf is an absolute idiot. Who knew.

It's interesting. Every guy who's ever been to a strip club seems to say they found it uncomfortable. You'd think the strip clubs would go out of business with all these men not really enjoying themselves.

It's always the same. Are you jealous? Don't you trust him? Is your relationship that insecure?

Nope. None of those. Just a basic respect for women.

And the arguments of all these women actually being law students, getting extra cash, enjoying all the money, choosing to do it, and us feminists actually denying these women their career choices.

It's down to one thing. Objectifying women. And when you do that, through porn, or through strip clubs, it filters into everyday life. Everyday sexism. Everyday misogyny.

It affects other women. It affects all women.

SirVix I agree with every word you've written.

On the ‘it’s their choice, some enjoy it and like the money blah blah’ point, my friend was an escort. If asked she would tell you the men were pathetic and she was using them and she loved the money.

I’d known her for over 20 years at that point and she was very mixed up, she’d been raped when we were teenagers and suffered further sexual abuse later. She was making her ‘choice’ with an awful lot of emotional baggage from the terrible things she had been through.

Good post Gluteus.

These threads always end up depressing me slightly, and remind me that we are nowhere near equality and fair representation.

@SirVixofVixHall

There is a difference between being a stripper and being a prostitute. Yes some women ^^may be both but others are **just strippers and genuinely enjoy performing. They feel very confident about their bodies. They enjoy the money they can make.

I think it is wrong to group them all together as although some women will fall under your description (and that is wrong and __of course should not be happening) some women are actually independent, happy and confident strippers.
If it is through **genuine choice then there is a huge difference there and a personal decision for each individual. Whether you agree with it or not.

If my DH went on a stag weekend (unlikely in itself) I would expect him to come home, or go his own way if he couldn't, if the others were going to any kind of strip club. Even "legal" in the UK. And never to associate again with any of his friends that did.
I wouldn't need to ask him not to.

I think its up to you to define what's a dealbreaker for you and what isn't. If it is then you end it, if its not then you tell him emphatically how you feel about if he does it again. If he choses to walk then thats his choice.

Your friend the bride also gets to decide. It wouldn't be a deal breaker in this situation for me personally but i know some who it would and one who happily waves her husband off and does the same.

I would end a relationship over a lap dance full stop when I air this view in real life people seem shocked but normally ends up in a good conversation where people at least seem to question their original response that my reaction would be over the top.

If I thought a dp had just gone along but sat at the bar and not had a dance I could potentially forgive but in honesty I am not sure I'd believe that's all that had gone on

If "all men do it " etc etc then I'd honestly just rather be single

Blimey. DH's Friends always seem to end up heading to a strip club when they're away as a group.
DH not keen even though I wouldn't pick up on it and often seems to go back to hotel at that point out of choice as does his brother and usually one other of the group. But I know two or three always pay for dances. One is married and pays for private dances. I find this a bit weird and wouldn't talk to his DW about it as their business not mine.
But never occurred to me to LTB. He's an adult. He makes his own decisions.

If your views are incompatible and you can't get over it then that's that isn't it. I couldn't ever be with a communist even though many people can't see the problem with it. If it's a deal breaker then it is a deal breaker. But there are some things that you can have different views on without needing to end the relationship. For example my husband is religious. I am not. We are both happy and tolerate and resurrect each others views even if we do not share them.