DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

Probably in my 20s and 30s I would have put up with it, despite not being happy with it, I'd have rationalised it etc. Now in my 50s, no way. It would be a deal breaker for me. I'd also tell men straight about my expectations before getting in a relationship with them. They might hide things but I think I'd find out eventually. It all turns my stomach now how casually these things are accepted and have become more mainstream.

OhYikes - you seem to have two choices: 1) put up with it and tell him where the exact lines are and he crosses them again at his peril, and also accept you've had to do this as he's weak and easily led (can you really live with someone that is a sheep thought without constantly questioning him and looking down on him?) or 2) leave him, meet someone else and make your boundaries clear.

The more women that tell men straight we're not staying in these relationships then hopefully over time men will think twice. But that's a long way off going by the number of people saying I wouldn't mind this, if he's mostly ok don't throw him away. Perhaps that's more realistic but I wouldn't respect myself if I had to put up with that shit.

I meant 'though', not 'thought'

It's not a problem for me personally, but it's not my relationship so it's up to you.

We went to strip do for my hen do with my mil and Sil dh didn’t even batter an eyelid.

I don't have time to RTFT at 14 pages but I can see the whole trafficking thing has come up so just wanted to add that my comment was just in response to the OP

I wouldn't end the relationship, but I'd be very very hurt and disappointed.

I quite like the idea of my husband viewing me as a sexual ornament to be honest.

I can't get too het up about it either, I've been to a strip club myself before and I actually quite enjoyed it.

Let me start by saying I totally agree with you on the principle OP and would be very very upset if DH did this. I think in making the decision about whether to leave I would consider whether this is
(A) someone who made a really stupid mistake, far from home, under pressure from mates, sat at bar feeling awkward, regrets it deeply, wouldn’t repeat it, is open to a real discussion about the issues and reasons. Someone who otherwise is an equal, caring, trustworthy and much-loved partner. If I squint a bit I could imagine my -feminist- DH doing this in a difficult situation and I would probably rip him to pieces and cry buckets, but I would try hard to get back from it).
Or
(B). This guy has been good for five years but there is the odd niggle. Trust was not absolute before and is now really damaged. He seems like he can’t really engage on the topic and is doing it “to please you”. You aren’t sure what he really did there.

I don’t think you can have a blanket rule - it’s really really hard and I feel very sorry for you. But I would not make this the hill to die on if you are truly in scenario A.

Also, your POV is that every woman working there is forced into it against their will. I have friends that work in the industry that do it because it's easy to make a lot of money, therefore empowering them. One friend has gone from a school drop out to buying her own home in her early 20's and having enough savings to go on and retrain in a career that fits in better with childcare.

I’ll be honest I have posted in back up to what Mr too good said about the posts being naive in the extreme when it comes to stag do resort strip clubs.

I’ll be a bit more graphic for those people who truly believe these places are just a ‘strip’ and op and anyone else who would finish their relationship as BU.

I know someone who works regularly in these Eastern European and other European popular stag countries. Who are explicitly told to avoid all these strip clubs as they are gang run. So exploitative not only to the women, but the men who are stupid enough to go to them. It can put them in ‘risky situations’.

These Brits abroad stag locations are over run by gangs who bring in young Eastern European and Russian women to ‘entertain’. High chances are these women are exploited.

Lesbian sex on the mans lap, getting him to join in. Oral and manual. Bending over backwards and the splits in his face getting him to have a ‘try’. Sitting on his lap and just having a ‘go the old fashioned way’, men one after the other. Are just some of many images of seen come out of these ‘Brits abroad strip do’s’.

It’s nothing like popping down to Spearmint Rhino after work for a strip. Or just nipping down to your local ‘classy joint’ to see some women wiggle her boobs for loads of money all consenting to pay her way through uni. Like some people are suggesting, I’m not saying anyone had to be ok with that either.

These Brits abroad stag places are over run with gangs who know they can make a fortune out of drunk men and young women by exploiting both for money. The whole industry is vile and seedy. Either people are naive as they don’t want to think their husbands participate in that industry, or there is a lot of waking up needed. It’s totally grim.

Men haven’t started going to these resorts for stag because of beer, Sun and a Uk style strip club. It’s hedonistic and much more raw than anything you’ll get here. That’s why the stag parties flock to these places and more and more gangs will open ‘strip’ bars over as it is easy money.

It’s really sad so many men go to these places for stag and the wives at home just think it’s a ‘jolly holiday’ with a local ‘friendly strip club’.

Totally agree Masterbuilder - if these women could watch what went on through a body cam they’d be horrified.

When all is said and done, OP, can you ever find him sexually attractive again? My attraction would have turned off like a tap the second the words were out of his mouth.

@TammySwansonTwo I know and I was being tame. These stag resorts are over run by gangs who bring in young Eastern European and Russian women for an anything goes experience.

We aren’t talking about Nancy making £200 an hour to buy a house and get a doctorate in a ‘respctable’ Establishment over here.

I had a friend from an Eastern European city. She used to consider the British and Irish men who went there on stags to be absolute creeps, and she was absolutely right.
I mean, they hardly go to these places for the architecture

It’s really sad so many men go to these places for stag and the wives at home just think it’s a ‘jolly holiday’ with a local ‘friendly strip club

Exactly this. People who have been to one "decent" club here, have no idea what it's like over there. These things do go on in the UK too, like I say, I've worked with women who've been victims in this type of set up. But the European ones are on another level. And people can think, oh my OH wouldn't get involved in something like that, but when alcohol and pressuring friends are involved it can be another story.

And it’s always the same old shit, mostly peddled by men. “The women are laughing at the pathetic men that go there”, “my friends friend put herself through medical school stripping”, “my cousin’s roommate’s sister says it’s the best job she’s ever had”.

Whatever. Of course there are women who appreciate being able to make good money at the hands of suckers, in respectable institutions where they’re safe and well paid. That doesn’t mean the majority are like that, especially abroad. And for me, someone who chooses stripping because they can support their kids easier with stripping than they can with cleaning or working in a shop isn’t giving free consent.

So he did actually know your opinion on this. The groom also knew the brides opinion and both of them agreed with both of you.

They were either too spineless to stand up to the organiser including the groom who went off for the dance or they actually don't really give a shit about your opinions and were just paying lip service to shut you up.

It's not like he didn't know your stance in the slightest.

Amazed at pp saying it's a stag do, what do you expect him to do? My DH went go carting, his friend went on some wierd danger sports, not one of them ended up at a strip club. Lots of stag parties between the group of them, plenty of beer then a BBQ in a log cabin or back at home. Seriously a strip club, especially a foreign poorly regulated one, would have changed my opinion of my DH forever.

Wouldn't bother me tbh. Your views are yours ... I'd never impose my views on others and women have choices in life. Strippergrams are doing it because they want to. The same for male strippers on hen nights. No difference.

sandy have you read the thread?

I wouldn't be happy with it, but he told you about it, and to end it would be overreacting.

@AuntyElle
By your logic - the all the people who come here to vehemently agree with the OP - are all one person, just pretending to be different people?
Hmmm, intersting....

I would never share a bed again with a man who went to an Eastern European strip club. It would change my opinion of him irrevocably and forever.

Thank you Masterbuilders I had no idea they were as bad as that. That's disgusting.
Something similar happened to my partner once. On a work stag do, and they finished the night in a strip club, he had no idea that was the plan. He didn't go in, he came home on his own in a cab. One, because he doesn't enjoy or support the industry and Two, he knows how I would feel about it.
On another occasion he was away with work when the group he was socialising with were approached by strippers and working girls, advertising their seedy little club on the back streets of a big city. He rang me at the time, back at his room, and he was gobsmacked at how many of them went off with them. All married with wives and kids at home. Sad.

@OhYikesThisIsBad

At some point on here you asked about a more mature way to approach things.
Well, part of it is to not assume others share your exact beliefs and opinions. And ability to live and let live.

It doesn’t just apply to sex. There are so so many things people have strong opinions these days. People who have black/white (or my way/highway) view of the world aren’t easy to get along with.
It’s hard for you to imagine - but once kids come along - a lot of those pop up and cause all kinds of disagreements...

And coming back to sex - I presume you have the same strong position to porn. Is that something you are also assuming your BF thinks similar about, or have you explicitly discussed it. If not - you might be unpleasantly surprised one day.