DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

Its amazing how many women are stupid enough to believe their partners and husbands, once in the place, sit quietly at the bar with their eyes on their beer. Yeah fucking right. If they're in the place at all, it shows they've got a seriously skewed moral compass. But i can understand wanting to believe that their husbands didn't enjoy it really and that they only went along with the crowd. It's much harder to face up to the fact that the person who is meant to love you and is only meant to have sex with you is happy to go into a place to pay a probably trafficked women to give him a lap dance or take her clothes off for his entertainment. If she wasnt being paid, would you still be cool with it?

I was in a similar situation to you OP, this time last year. My DH went on a stag do in the UK that ended in a strip club, several of the party had private dances, my DH included. I really struggled to reconcile the person I thought I knew, with someone who would pay to have a naked woman writhing in his lap. It took us several months to get over it, but have stayed together - as we have a house and 3 DC, and have built a life together I guess.
I don’t feel the same about him anymore though

I used to work in magazine ad production. One of my jobs was to check ads that were submitted. A couple of the magazines were essentially porn, one in particular that was called DVD World but was actually just porn. No idea why.

The ads were basically a full page of small packshots (DVD covers). They had to be censored and some of them were fucking horrific in terms of imagery. Then there were the titles and descriptions - misogynistic, racist, full of terms like “cum dumpster” and “fuck hole”. The title that always sticks out to me is “Young, Dumb and Dripping With Cum”. I think that about summed most of them up.

Working on the ads for that magazine as a young woman really opened my eyes to the reality of that industry. Everyone who defends it as a bit of fun needs to actually look at what’s going on. And this was over 10 years ago, the stuff online now is far worse.

I'm really sorry TitZ

Fizzy, the bride would have it out with her DP, he was full of assurances that a stripper would be a terrible thing etc.

Whether she'd marry him I don't know. Probably, given it's booked and paid for.

Oh OP, for you, I'd be devastated too. The fact that the brode and groom had joked with you about how grim it would be but the groom and yourdp still didn't "stand up to" the guy who set it up is so depressing. I'd be really wanting them both to have a hard think about their internalised sexism and toxic masculinity that led them apparently to betray their own values. Maybe your ex is doing that now? I do kind of feel sorry forhim - not because you dumped him or because of anything you've said, I hasten to add, but because he has let himself down so badly.

My husband was a bartender at a strip club in his youth and tells ne that the ones he spoke with enjoyed the job. I've had a dance before (bisexual) and been to a few clubs in this country but can't speak to the "quality" of them in Europe.

It sounds like it's a deal-breaker for you, though I agree with a lot of other posters that it seems an overreaction to me.

Mature - as I said. Consideration of his response to his mistake, the context of what happened and, I don't know, wild idea but some communication?! Not just stomping off, telling someone to fuck off, sulking and then leaving.

It's not about being cool. It's about dealing with issues like an adult rather than a stroppy teenager. If after the above you feel the same then you leave, obviously.

Your sarcastic use of of the word cool is revealing again. Discussing issues with one's partner isn't trying to be cool about anything. Nice to know your view of women who don't mind strippers though, which is what that clearly boils down to

Sorry you're going through this OP, I sympathise. My DHs stag do caused massive problems between us last year, I posted on here about it and was amazed at some of the responses. Apparently I was a controlling, possessive, insecure, prude for not wanting my partner to have a naked woman sitting on his lap with her boobs in his face a few weeks before our wedding. Who knew!!

Ultimately no one else's opinion matters, only you can decide if you can work through this.

I may be revelling in my "immaturity" but am keen to know what the mature, cool response to this would be

The mature thing to do would be to make your decision based on the facts of this situation.

Based on what your DP says and does.

Not on your preconceived ideas about how all men perceive women if they go to a strip club.

And not on what the bride and groom might do.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this op.

I would feel exactly the same as you, and I would seriously be considering leaving my DH if I found out he had done this. I think I’d definitely be taking our children and staying with my parents for a while at the very least.

@bergamotbitch
No need to back out! That makes perfect sense. Sorry I didn’t understand your initial point clearly!

Yes I see what you’re saying now.

I think in a lot of industries you will find workers (male and female) who aren’t treated correctly and this will vary in seriousness. Of course some strippers will be trafficked or illegally treated and that is in no way right. But so are Amazon employees but I wonder if that means people stop shopping there?

Equally, you will know or hear of strippers who make a healthy wage doing a job they enjoy and trust me, having met some through friends of friends they laugh and pity the men who visit the clubs as opposed to feeling threatened or badly treated. It all comes down to who they work for and how that club treats and respects their employees. The same for anyone working for a company.

This has slightly veered from the op’s dilemma. But on that, I really don’t believe that all men that have visited a strip club are that bad! Yes, if it’s a habit there are questions to be asked. But a visit once in a blue moon (for me) isn’t something to worry about at all

I think it's positively bonkers to consider leaving a good man over this but I'm not you. As long as the women performing are consenting etc I wouldn't be the one to stop them from using their bodies in a way they feel fit to. To be honest I think you should end it but more for him really. I think it's fine to have a conversation about values and how some strippers are treated etc but to bail out of a wedding and threaten to leave him? Let him go OP. Let him find someone else and next time you can be very explicit about your requirements.

I actually don't think it matters what he has done. Strip club? Racism? Eaten too much cheese?

If any of these are deal breakers to YOU then they are deal breakers.

But, you clearly love him. Can you find a way back from this? Is it worth trying?

Probably.

Why not both miss the wedding. Go somewhere and talk. Lay out what is and is not acceptable. Be clear. See if you can rebuild things.

”bergamot you were still criticising UK working class women who have little choice and pitting them against richer men who do.”

I know this part of the thread had veered massively off topic, but you know it’s not just Primark that uses sweat shop labour, right?

You’d be hard pushed to find ANY UK retailers that don’t source from —exploited— cheap Indo-Chinese / East Asian sources.

The rare earth elements in the smartphone (any electronics) you’re using will have been stripmined for less than a dollar a day. It will have been assembled by a young (female) workforce doing 18 hour shifts and living in coffin lodgings. The cut flowers you buy will mostly have been cultivated and picked in the poorer areas of Africa. The packaging you “recycle” will get dumped in India or South America. Coffee, tea, chocolate, sugar, bananas, anything using palm olive oil etc etc etc - pretty much all reliant on dirt poor labour.

Everyone in the West, rich or “working class,” male or female, exploits the global poor on a daily basis. And we choose to do so.

I rarely comment on these threads and always read the feminist board. You are coming across as having massive double standards. Your boyfriend went somewhere you have campaigned against and seem to be genuine in those ideas, you have no idea what went on there and yet want to stay with him. Also you said you were a bit bleurgh about him going in the first place - I wonder if you knew what he'd do all along. It sounds as though you will always think about this incident in relation to any respect you have for him and rightly worry about any night away he might have. Not going to your friends wedding but refusing to tell her her boyfriend paid women to 'dance' for him before they get married is bizarre.

If he is otherwise lovely dont dump him. But use this obstacle for lots of important discussions that make you stronger together.

As a pp upthread said, all his talk about feminism and equality is just 'noise', just to keep the op happy. His actions are the complete opposite on this occasion.
It terrifies me the amount of women that put this down as normal male 'banter' and behaviour.
I personally would end a relationship over this, old enough to have standards and not lower them for anyone and I admire your self respect,op.

Thanks vipers, we'll talk this morning.

I think the groom should tell his bride to be about the lap dance, the weddings not this weekend but she should know, I reckon.

I think you are overreacting.

He went to a strip lib, which you disagree with, but as far as you know didn’t have a dance, or cheat on you, or do anything else untoward.
If my DP told me I couldn’t go to a certain place he disagreed with and SIT AT A BAR AND DRINK I would consider him controlling and abusive and leave him.

He’s his own person, he’s allowed to disagree with you. You are entitled to end it for whatever reason you like, but if it’s a good relationship it seems a bit silly to end it when no actual adultery/poor behaviour has been identified.

Are you always so black and white in your thinking?

Yeah he's been agreeing with you publically but still joined in with his mates. Shows a lack of integrity.

Also, don’t try and ruin someone else’s relationship to justify your own breakup.

TawandaT
How on earth could a man possibly know wether the women in the strip club he was about to enter were consenting?
No man walks into a strip club just for a drink and sits at the bar with his eyes shut. Come on don't be so rediculous. There are normal bars where you can just get a drink.
Perhaps some women do chose this "profession" because they love it, although you will find a lot of women putting themselves through uni by working in strip clubs but do you see them finishing their degree and having the offer of a good job and choosing to stay in the strip club... nope!

I think you need to leave the other couple out of it for now, unless as I said earlier you know she would call off the wedding if he had a lap dance. (I would consider calling it off in her shoes but I made it explicitly crystal clear to my dh that I did not expect his stag do to include a strip club at all). The majority of women 1. Haven’t made this explicitly clear and 2. Do seem to think it’s forgivable, so you could just look like you are causing trouble.

I sympathise with OP's dilemma I would feel similar.

I think you should talk to him openly, and tell him about the trafficking and cultural context very clearly. But also pause to listen. Make sure he feels comfortable enough to give his real honest opinion about stripclubs (not "I have to say what she wants to hear as I'm fighting for my life").

You may find that what he has is a mixture of muddled ideas, misconceptions, and lack of knowledge. He might not be irredeemable in terms of values!!

Remember we all can find it hard to think through inequality from our own positions of privilege - he may have simply never had to do the hard yards of thinking. Yet. Now could be the time he does, with your prompting.

I think about the stuff I'm conveniently privileged enough to shut my eyes to... The kids who might have sewed the high street dress I'm wearing? The people whose villages are polluted with chemicals from the household products I don't choose to boycott? The casual cruelty of the egg and meat industry.

If a partner led me to a more woke state on any of that, I'd change my ways!

But in life we are sometimes waiting for a catalyst to be the best we can be.

I've found this thread really interesting, my DP has been to a strip club whilst we have been together during a stag weekend. It didn't bother me at the time and if I'm completely honest, I read OP's first post and was a bit eye rolly about her reaction. However, reading on and reading more posts about the exploitation side and trafficking which I was a bit naive about has definitely given me pause for thought. I will certainly be thinking more on it. I still don't think I would end my relationship over it but I do think I will be having a conversation with DP about the issues that have been raised here