DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

We all depend on the law to say if it’s a regulated and approved place, like any other club.

And if your local laws won't tolerate a woman being fucked on stage for viewers pleasure, just go to another legal jurisdiction? That's OK is it? Besides, laws general set limits, not baselines. Something being legal doesn't always mean it's morally right.

What could he have done, OP? Gone off by himself in a strange city? Gone home? He was in a very difficult position, and decided to sit at the bar away from the stripping, which seems like the best option tbh.

The poor lamb. He had no choice.

@OhYikesThisIsBad, as a true feminist we really don't need men! just dump him immediately and be the true independent women that we are!. Cant wait for BREXIT too!

“And if your local laws won't tolerate a woman being fucked on stage for viewers pleasure, just go to another legal jurisdiction? That's OK is it? Besides, laws general set limits, not baselines. Something being legal doesn't always mean it's morally right”

Ok where did I say I agreed with this?

Massively overreacting

How are you feeling today op?
I agree entirely with you and if you feel that this is a dealbreaker then you should end it.

Current mood:

Distraught
Not going to the wedding at least - like I really can't, all the blokes who went to the strip club will be there. Grim fuckers.
Just want everything to be ok again.
Don't know what to do.

Happy bank holiday everyone!

Stag and hen nights are tricky. The whole point is to stay together as a crowd. If he’d had a private dance that would be a deal breaker for me - but not sitting at the bar.

OP I’m loving you and your comments!
And I would feel exactly as torn as you do

My principles matter ALOT to me and having a partner who shares them

But I sometimes wonder if I am a leetle teeny bit too exacting when it comes toDH agreeing and acting with the same passion I do. It’s a fine line

Think his reaction to what you said and the strength of your feeling would swing it for me.

Was he ashamed and horrified and reflective or a bit WTAF is she on about?

And the side issue of telling the bride to be- grim. Don’t think you can really.

I find your preoccupation with the groom odd. You have no idea of the dynamics of their relationship. It's highly likely they discussed strip clubs etc before the stag. Please don't try to make their wedding all about your relationship drama.

They did indeed discuss it, in my presence. She said to me "oh God some of them lads might want to get a stripper" and I said "oh my God that's horrifying" and she said " said he might be up for it" and looked at me like and then said "oh no I'd be appalled I can't believe I ever said that I must have been drunk" and we all agreed it was a grim idea, and even had a chuckle at what we imagined would be my own DP's horrified response.

Imagine! Yet here we are.

My DP didn't tell me for a week, admittedly we've not seen each other, but that hurts.

I am terribly sad Notthat and also absolutely furious, so yes I do recognise that (say) blocking my DP on Facebook and messaging the bride and groom to say I'm not coming to the wedding because of the "strip club incident at the stag" would be A Bad Idea. tempting though

He was distraught at my reaction, and was trying very hard to make it better last night. But I told him to fuck off and not to speak to me today.

I rly want to speak to him.

He evidently didn’t fully appreciate your feelings about strip clubs else he wouldn’t have done it or at least not have told you.
Is he very sorry? Has he said he wouldn’t do it again? Has he tried to make it up to you?
Just asking because maybe he gets another chance for this error of judgement.

yikes

Good people sometimes do bad things. We are all flawed. If you think he really understands how serious this is and the extent to which it is calling into question whether your values are aligned, then you can probably move past it.

It’s isnt ok to stand up for women only when it’s convenient, and you need to know he understands that.

This will sound like I'm showing my husband off but this is how I think it should beand what he did...went to stagdo where there was a strip club he didn't know about and he called me from out side asking if he could go in and saying he was angry they had set it up... Because he called I was fine but 3 other men didn't call partners and 2 sets very nearly broke up over secrecy and big card bills! He should atleast have text you to tell you at the time rather than later on, and reading that you camapign about it makes it worse as it's not like he would have assumed you'd be okay with it!

Completely ot but why do you use words like spunkbucket / fuckhole ? Pretty grim and unnecessary imo...

It's a useful way of expressing how many men see women- I do campaigning on street harassment (and get a lot of street harassment), and those men do not see women as human.

He didn’t take you seriously OP because he thought it’s just one of those things ‘the women’ moan about and then men do anyway. He never actually understood the situation and fell into the default of ‘othering’ his missus.

I would fear that even if you stay together and he swears he’ll never do that again, he still doesn’t believe it’s a bad thing or truest understand your feminist standpoint on it. He will likely engage in that knowing smile with the lads and say ‘I can’t, Yikes would kill me’ as they all tease him about being pussy whipped.

Won't you be letting the bride down by not going to the wedding? It's really bad manners to pull pit at the stage. I hope you have offered to reimburse them for your meal.

Talk to him. I have been to charity ladies nights, buff butler's and a stripper. Naively was expecting him to go the whole hog but he did, on the bar swinging it round. Did i feel 100% comfortable no, but i stayed with the group i was with i would have felt less comfortable/safe stood outside alone!
If it was my DP i wouldn't end an otherwise good relationship, your reaction makes me think there are other issues or trust issues.

Wasn't

Feb2018mumma Er you are not showing your DH off to me!

I do not want a man who calls me outside a venue that I strongly feel objectifies and promotes mistreating women in order to get my permission to take part.
Asking me like some little boy doesn’t make it ok as if me wielding power and saying ‘oh go on then treacle but don’t touch her bum’ makes it all fine FFS.

If DH rang me to say that I’d be like WTAF. I prefer a partner who can make up hisnown mind that this is NOT ok and shares my values about that.

The fact you feel some sense of pride that he gained your permission is troubling for me. Clearly not so you.

You don't not go to a wedding because the groom went to strip club and you don't agree.

You don't get to impose your views on others actions that are legal. Ok, it's not ideal but it was the groom's stag do.

You've accepted the invite and so short of an emergency you are committed to going. You're going to have to smile and use some manners and just go through with it for your friends' sake.

As for your OH, he sat at the bar. He wasn't involved. It's not ideal, but he'll have been torn between sticking together like a stag do does and not wanting to be there.

A five year good relationship that you chuck away after one not very huge mistake? It's a huge reaction on your part (I'd feel differently if he'd paid for a dance btw) and you may well regret it.

Your principles are yours. Not his. Relationships aren't about imposing your principles on another.

Hubby been to strip clubs on stag do's. He's not a fan but went along because that's what was expected.

Hasnt affected us at all. He was uncomfortable, sat at bar too with some others....he made the best compromise as far as I could see.

My DH and I agreed I couldn't care less if he goes to a strip club on a stag do, but my line is him not having a private dance. Huge difference between ogling a pair of boobs and having someone grind on your crotch. I think you need to unclench - he's not touched another woman & he now knows your boundaries

Well as an oldie feminist ( who doesnt usually write on these sort of threads) I just want to say that I think you are doing the right thing..Its about basic respect. He is not the person you thought he was.

I once had a L/T boyfriend ( we were talking marriage) who counted himself a 'feminist' but told me in a conversation about feminism sexual exploitation etc he had been to a prostitute in the US a few years previously (before I knew him) as he was lonely and that he had felt 'dehumanised by the experience (!!!) and moreover he had had his wallet stolen. I was supposed to understand and sympathise.

That was it .. i knew could never see him in the same light again.. ended it a week later.

I'd do it again too.never regretted it.
Am married now (over 25 yrs)to someone who does believe in equality and human rights .

Dont compromise your beliefs .

There are so many men who tell the wifey they aren’t a fan. And they usually don’t sit at the bar for the whole time. It’s what men tell women right? What we don’t know won’t hurt us.