Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

I stand by my comments, and at least the TAAT about me has been deleted.

I hope Coats has not been too upset by my ire, and that she continues to post on MN, if not actually here on this thread.

Coats, I beg your pardon for the derail.

I agree - i believe Shammy might have been genuinely concerned however, the 'dying for updates and lol' might be a little un-thoughtful ,especially as this must be such a hard thing to go through.

Anyway Coats - ive been following since you found out and i hope you are keeping well. Good luck.

Jux Stop being so reasonable. You're supposed to be batshit crazy dontcha know

Anyway, I hope Coates is ok and busy sorting ducks

Hello

Thanks to anyone who showed concern at some of the posts here.

Having had a little time to reflect- The day I get upset by anything said by a stranger on an internet parenting forum is a day I won’t have very many problems 😊

All is good. I’m busy. I keep, keeping on.

Many many thanks to the people who have reached out.

I honestly don’t know how people have affairs- the amount of lying and covering of arse I’m doing right now is exhausting!

Coats your attitude does you so much credit. You are an admirable person in so many ways!

Yes, arse covering, lies, remembering lies and lying again, weaving a web of deception - it's all such hard work. If they put that much energy into their actual lives they'd make it something worth having and be the envy of everyone. Yet, instead......

KOKO, Coats.

BitOutOfPractice, you should see me in RL

My hat is off to you, Coats. Perhaps the cheaters are so blinkered or running solely on lizard brains that they don’t classify anything as “lies”. A cognitive dissonance.

What are you doing for relaxation, down time? Cross stitch is a good distraction that you can pick up/put down, and is not too expensive; perhaps a wee project of “Home Sweet Home” for your future space.

I am thinking of you Coats - you're doing amazing.

I also second the cross stitch idea. Not only does it feel good to stab something repeatedly, it is calming and distracting.

I think you have it there AndTheBand, their thinking is so utterly self centred that they can just block out everything else, have no (genuine) feelings of guilt about what they're doing. Must be lovely, drifting around without a care in the world for anyone else even close family members. 'Loved ones'. Except the one they love is themselves sadly, not anyone else. I don't think you could do it if you had a soul.

There's always voodoo dolls rikmayall... . Similar, yet not the same?!

I honestly don’t know how people have affairs- the amount of lying and covering of arse I’m doing right now is exhausting

It becomes a way of life for them and many (usually men) say they are relieved when the affair comes to light because the double life was getting too much.

I'm not sure I believe that line..but hey ho.

You're doing great.

Been following from a distance Coats, you are doing amazingly well. I know I would have crumbled weeks ago in your situation!

I'd say it's exciting for a while and then at some point they realise that the OW has too much on them for them to be able to back away with a ''it's not you it's me text'' which basically any man with only one girlfriend can do. A married man with a wife and a girlfriend might wake up one morning and realise that it's gone from being exciting to being stressful.

Not saying I sympathise by the way.

I completely understand where you're coming fro. with the lying and affairs Coats I can barely cover my arse if I've pinched the last Jaffa cake.

My ex was a master liar but even he tripped himself up. IME once the lies start to unravel it goes one of two ways...the gaslighting steps up or they turn even nastier.

Keep your cool and remember that there are lots of people who will be there when it gets you down.

I think people have to be incredibly selfish to take that step to cheat, probably weak as well. And to be someone like Coats' STBX and revel in it, you have to be a very sad person indeed. Adding layers of deception and trickery to it just confirms them as completely self centred & unable to think of loved ones in equivalent human terms

It's almost like how a child thinks 'not fair!' and expects to always be having fun at all times without bad bits. And kids have the excuse of their brains not being developed...

I think people have to be incredibly selfish to take that step to cheat, probably weak as well. And to be someone like Coats' STBX and revel in it, you have to be a very sad person indeed. Adding layers of deception and trickery to it just confirms them as completely self centred & unable to think of loved ones in equivalent human terms

It's almost like how a child thinks 'not fair!' and expects to always be having fun at all times without bad bits. And kids have the excuse of their brains not being developed...

I’ll not give it too much headspace. It’s not my fault he did the things he did- he was responsible for his behaviour not me. I’m building myself up now- the mental ducks have to be lined up also.

Been thinking of you lass and wishing you strength.

I’m in awe of you Coats. I’m so glad you’ve found all the great support you have on here.

You do know this thread is going to become The Mumsnet Bible of how to handle a cheating partner, don’t you!

I lurking to plead with you not to do anything till you have spoken to a SHL (shit hot lawyer).

I know this is killing you inside but it make all the difference to your future.

My thought are with you OP

*unlurking

Mumontherunn

I have already.

Thank goodness. I have been reading your thread and honestly you are an inspiration

I’m finding Father’s Day and all it’s surrounding gumf hard, because ds father (my dearest darling husband - heavy irony there!) hasn’t seen ds or me for two years... poor ds will sit there and watch others at the school Father’s Day breakfast :(

So I can totally feel the emotional pain of this Father’s Day for you. Going through it and knowing what you know. Try and bite your lips and hold back your tears for you and dc, if you can.

Push away the poignancy and focus on the irritancy so you can get through it!

Coats - unlurking to say you're doing great.