I've also been following your full thread. And I really feel for you. Like you and many others PPs, I also went through the shock and disbelief of finding out that my husband was not who I thought but actually a f-ed up, self-entitled twat.
I hope I can help by reinforcing two messages:
- you are doing amazing - keep focussed and keep going
- play the long financial game. Divorcing self-entitled prats is really hard. And we delude ourselves if we think they will be reasonable and rational. The fact is, they are very stingy and will take every opportunity to keep money for themselves regardless of the impact on children and what you will do for the children of the marriage long after the divorce. So don't break cover yet. When it feels unbelievably hard not being able to tell him what you really think - bite your lip - and focus on the benefits of being in a strong financial position before you break cover.
Lastly - can I just say that I am really willing you on to success. I wish I had your foresight when I went through it. So many like me - never did anything that might be anything other than reasonable and non-inflammatory - and then ended up on the backfoot playing a game of financial catch-up with years of solicitors and legal shit to get something barely resembling reasonable. I want you to succeed and get the front foot position for all of the rest of us who didn't. Let him and his solicitor argue why you've taken too much. If he makes a good case, give some back to him - through your solicitor. If he doesn't make a good case, don't give it back to him. If he feels hard done by let him argue his corner in front of a judge. Just like all of the rest of us did. If the judge agrees with him - fair enough, give him some more. But please put yourself in the position to defend the ground (rather than trying to stake a claim to it) by getting a large chunk of the finances in your name before you tell him it's over. Go for 70:30 of the assets other than properties that are in both names. Look after them, and discuss what would be a fairer split. There's a high chance it won't be 50:50 once you take account of the children of the marriage, future earning potential, past and future impact of children on your earning potential, whether he's willing and able to split accrued pensions. You will also need a pot for solicitors bills and potentially interim maintenance. And don't assume that he will pay child maintenance properly. So many of the self-entitled twats find ways to dodge CMS. They are not good investigators and enforcers.
Provided you can demonstrate sensible financial management and some potential justification for the greater percentage split in your favour, I think it is entirely ethical as an initial starting point. I think it is also lawful. You may have to give some back so that the final percentage splits is more even - but at least put yourself on the front foot for the 0.5-1.5 years of conversations that could take with a self-entitled twat.
(I wouldn't put the money into a solicitor's trust fund - at least not more than a sum you feel happy with. Some lawyers have a tendency to bill to what the client can afford. For instance - let's get Counsel's opinion on this, let's make an interim application, call me if you get any fresh information. I would put the money in accounts which you title - Legal Fund, or in your mind allocate to legal funds. If children and finances go to court, and if either of you wants to relocate with implications for the children, the legal bills will be big numbers. But if you get on the front foot, and negotiate reasonably, he may not have the stomach for court.)
This is much longer than I intended. So much to draw upon from personal experience!
Regarding him moving out, I can tell you a thing or two about that too. But that's for another time.
The good news is that I am several years down the line and life is good and so much better than it ever was with exH.