Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

Thanks Beaver.
That means so much to me.

In my darkest moments over the last few days I’ve read and reread so many comments on this thread and I’m amazed at just how much it’s helping me.

He will care once he knows you know. But it will be too late by then.
That will be priceless and a MasterCard moment that you will savour for a long tine to come.

The old chestnut of phone use in the car - what an arrogant dick. Just keep strong and think of the long game. I promise it always pays off. At the moment he thinks he's clever and getting away with it. What he doesn't realise is he is giving up something good with you and actually he will most likely end up alone and miserable. People get comfortable and complacent and do stupid things. But they have to take the consequences of their poor decisions. What you must keep remembering is this isn't about you. This is about him and his issues and the fact he is an idiot.

Keep going.

Good, I can feel your contempt, this is goods although your life is dramatically changing, at least you are not in pain, although regret & longing for what is lost will haunt you for some time yet.
yes, our wonderful internet generation is not so wonderful in reality, Honestly what kind of tosser photographs himself then sends these idiotic photos to numerous women ? think limp dick in hand just ridiculous....

"good"

OP - you don’t need to wait till investments pay out.
If you are planning to divorce - it’s a lengthy process anyway.
And requires filing lots of papers and seing solicitors, etc.
Financial disclosures start later.
So even if you confronted him today - in 6 weeks time you won’t be anywhere close to financial discussions.

But - you are right, getting a plan together is helpful.
So is - seing a solicitor.

I would say go to a solicitor for advice and see what they say on things, so you know what you can and cannot do. Someone else last year was in the same boat and I read that and she made a secret appointment and went to see one for advice. Can not hurt and good luck

I've been reading from the beginning and just wanted to say hang on in there.
I left my husband over 10 years ago but before I ended it I got a few things organised, I knew he'd be difficult when it came to possessions so I squirrelled away photos of the children and sentimental things which I knew he'd only want because I wanted them. I gave them to a neighbour to look after. It was incredibly difficult living with him until things were sorted ... but it was so worth it when I left! Never been happier. Just think of the end result xxx

You can so do this OP. Storage locker is a genius idea.

Every time you feel angry just think you have the upper hand. You are planning. And planning very well. That stupid smugness of his will evaporate very quickly especially when he realises how you've played him. You are one strong woman.

Keep on keeping on. You're great and deserve so much more than this knobhead

I think you are amazing for being able to keep everything to yourself and not confront him - really well done! I would focus on the pleasure of telling him and how you can do it to inflict maximum shock from the silly twat as soon as the money hits your account! Will you just change the locks and leave his shit outside? Planning that aspect would be the thing to get me through. And plan a nice holiday or something for yourself once it's done, take yourself out shopping/hairdressers all the classic stuff that does make you feel more confident (you could always do some of it now to make HIM suspicious you're seeing someone else 😂😂😂)

I think the OP is aware that the financial stuff will need to be split anyway, however having some cash on hand enables you to make better choices so you aren’t immediately in the shit for immediate needs. By the way those saying change the locks etc, doesn’t work like that, unless it’s a council house or rental just in in her name etc , if it’s joint rental, joint mortgage etc then it’s far fiddler and better to actually leave yourself if possible

I hate this on your behalf. How disrespectful and glaringly obvious sitting in that car. You're going to see all these little ways now. Store them away, keep notes of dates and times of things like that just in case you do happen to get into his phone or laptop. I know you don't have the passwords for his phone per se, but I wonder what you would find if you popped out his memory card while he was asleep and put it into your computer.

Assuming he has one, I just assume most people do lol

Ok... so.,,

1. Is it a sexy photo or just a photo?
2. If sexy he's a cad, if not sexy - why did he take it?
3. You have zero chance of finding proof? Is that right?
4. You feel he has form but you want proof before you LTB? Is that right?
5. Hire a PI

I think he passed it off as a picture of a trifle.

As you do 😂🤪

Ok... so.,,

1. Is it a sexy photo or just a photo?
2. If sexy he's a cad, if not sexy - why did he take it?
3. You have zero chance of finding proof? Is that right?
4. You feel he has form but you want proof before you LTB? Is that right?
5. Hire a PI

I'm going to assume.. you haven't read the thread..
OP is waaaaaaaaay beyond the above.......

@seventh it’s 17 pages long - you can safely assume things have moved on from the OP! RTFT

Sorry - just read the update. I must learn NOT to jump in til I've read the whole thread

seventh don't worry I've got your coat and called you a cab. Awkward

Ok I didn't realise that you can't change locks without a Court order (wonder if you can obtain one now without him knowing?!) but I am sure there are other wonderful ways of announcing that you know what he he been up to and that he should fuck off.

Can't believe he did that to you all at the pub meal, just shows how little respect he has for ANY of you over his need to be in communication with the OW (or whomever). And he's so smug - because really, it's a shit excuse and he thinks you fell for it. He's going to be gobsmacked when you do actually say "On yer bike, sunshine, I've had it up to the tonsils with your bullshit and I'm leaving you to play around as much as you like"

Keep searching for stuff, and as another poster said, squirrel away the stuff you want to keep that he might try to hold on to.

A piece of advice from someone who had a break up a long time ago - I didn't believe it myself until it happened to me so take my experience as yours - however low you think he wouldn't dare go, he will go lower.
In other words, expect the worst of him because chances are that is what you will get.
Don't expect him to behave well, despite past experience - that was when he was staying with you.
Once he knows you're over as a couple, he will appear to Change out of all recognition - this isn't actually what happens, what happens is that all those parts of him that didn't fit well into your relationship can come to the fore now that the relationship is over, and suddenly character traits will appear that you've never seen before and don't expect!

The worst (from a practical point of view) is where money is involved. Often men will start off feeling guilty, especially if they're at fault, and will promise you financial support, they'll do this that and the other because they don't want to see you short - this is very short-lived, so get it in writing as soon as they say it because it WILL change. Guilt is a very uncomfortable feeling so to avoid it, they start to re-write history to make it so that they had no choice but to see someone else, and actually it's your fault they were unfaithful and now you've turned into some kind of moneygrubbing ex. Then they can feel better about themselves - so you need to sort money out as fast as possible before that happens.

Also, once they're mentally out of the relationship they stop caring about your feelings. It can take a while but then "pouf", it's as if they never cared and you wonder where your husband of 20 years has gone?! It's a neat trick, compartmentalisation, and men seem in general to be better at it than women.

So keep going with lining up those ducks and looking like a swan - all serene above the water but going like an invisible dynamo underneath!

What thumbwitch said.

ThumbWitchesAbroad is absolutely spot on.

My Exh (of 20 years) turned into the most unbelievable Bastard, once he knew the game was up. He had cheated on me for (I think), the whole relationship. There were at least 10 women anyway.

When I told him I was leaving, he begged and begged me not to go, wanted councelling etc. He was literally on his knees. Once he realised that I was not having any of it, woah, it was like he turned into the Devil. He did things, that I would never have thought possible, like:

1. Saying he would take my children from me
2. Tried to screw me out of money
3. Tried to keep Shares that were mine.
4. Tried to avoid paying child support
5. Slept with my very Best Friend (friend no longer!)
6. Assaulted me twice.

Once he knows you mean business, he is going to turn into a Monster. So, tread very carefully.

Can I also point out, that you are due half of his Pension pot (as he is yours). If you have earned less than him, by working Part time, or being a SAHM for any time, chances are that his Pension pot will be larger than yours. He has to give you Cash equivalent, to balance that up (from any equity after marital home sold for eg.). Don't let him off with this, as it could be worth ££££ to you. You may also be due Economic Recompense, if his career has soared, whilst yours took a back seat to look after the children.

You need a very good Lawyer to draw up a Settlement agreement. Please don't rely on the free 30 minutes, you won't get a good service. A good lawyer will cost you about £1500 to do a Settlement Agreement. You lay out everything as you want it, and they present it to his Lawyer.

Also, take copies of his wage slips. My ExH managed somehow to convince the CMS that he earned a fraction of what he did. It was a very hard task to convince them otherwise. I am ££££ out of pocket.

Play your cards very close to your chest. This man is not your friend.

Good luck.

(BTW, I have a diamond of a DH now - there are some really lovely guys out there, that don't do this shit. Stay strong)

I’ve had a message from two people this morning saying they’re so sorry to hear about my husband. WTF?
Like a tool I had to tell them I thought they were mistaken and I got sent screenshots.
He’s on his Instagram putting up posts (weird ones) that are images of his hotel- Posts are ludicrously attention seeking “woe is me”

Perhaps he got blown out tonight ? One has to assume he’s had a row with Monday’s “lady”

Jesus Christ- I’m embarrassed to be married to someone so overtly sleazy & a pathological liar.

Of course he may suspect I am onto him- so he’s living his emotional nest so to
Speak.

And Thumbwitches- I couldn’t agree with you more- because he’s only ever promised the earth to me when he’s gotten me back. I’ve never had the audacity to break away from him- he will be furious when it hits him.

He will go ballistic when I tell him it’s over. That’s why I need someone who’s not easily rattled on my side (I’m hoping my solicitor will be up to the task!)

I forgot to thank you Husky

Yes your points have crossed my mind also. I’m going into this completely bracing myself that he will be a grade A cunt to deal with.

I don’t ever say that word.

That felt good.

Are you absolutely certain that this money that will materialise in six weeks is going to come anywhere near you? Do you know and have access to the account it will be paid in to?

Because I'm wondering if the sneaky bastard might have changed the payment arrangements behind your back so he gets it all - and as soon as the payment lands he may mysteriously vanish off the face of the earth...