Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

Really feel for you my exh was like this, he was gobsmacked when I left him and made out to all and sundry I was the unreasonable one. Now happily married to a man I can trust. Goodluck 💐

Yes, you'll be in shock. Absolutely.

Because of that and that alone, do nothing right now.

Give yourself a chance to adjust. You KNOW you will be fine and so will your kids. Tough times are ahead but they will be better ones, without this cheating pig in your life. Hold on to that thought, and take a day or two where you do absolutely nothing about this at all.

Then start thinking it through slowly and carefully. You have all the time in the world right now to make sure you have every avenue covered so that he can do nothing to cheat you or circumvent how you want things to go.

I would quite possibly start a new thread as folk on here have such amazing advice for this situation. Call it something like 'Cheating DH - last chance blown - please help me get my ducks in a row' and you will get LOTS of tips on how to make sure you have everything under control before you tell him so that there's little he can do to disrupt you.

For example, throwing him out is a tricky one when he owns the house too - others will have lots of advice on how best to do it so that he can't make your life hell.

Solicitors, access, money - everything. There's a lot to think about.

Perhaps most importantly - people can and will tell you what to expect - everything from the tears and pleadings to the threats and blackmail. Most men follow a script it seems, and when you have veterans on here saying 'Oh by the way, he'll probably threaten this now - don't listen, it's bullshit' - it makes it so much easier. Like taking the kids/demanding residence - all the old chestnuts.

Hi Coats - sorry that your investigations proved what a creep he is but I an in admiration of you keeping it together so well and making a plan.

Yes, the advice from Fizzy is excellent and really useful.

Keep strong and keep quiet until the money lands, then boot his sorry arse straight out (once you've taken 2/3 of it). Good luck!

I can but imagine people around me are having a great laugh at my expense- the silly sap with the dog of a husband

Absolutely sure they won't be. Anyone who does is not your friend. Bad things happening are a good way of finding out who your friends are and you can spring-clean your life and throw out the trash if you need to.

But honestly, I can't imagine anyone being anything but horrified at your awful husband's behaviour and full of sympathy for you and the children. Honouring your marriage vows and trying your damnedest to make your marriage work does NOT make you a sap. Not in the slightest.

However, you've now realised that it takes two to make a marriage work, and your husband simply does not deserve to have a woman like you in his life. His loss completely. He will be crawling to get you back soon enough but it will be too little too late this time.

You will get through this. Just console yourself that this nightmare has a light at the end of the tunnel. Better to get through and out the other side instead of living a half-life full or suspicion and a queasy feeling in your gut. You deserve so much more out of life.

I'm sorry op.
But I'm glad you know and can get your ducks in a row before giving him the shove. Wishing you lots of strength.

I'm sorry op.
But I'm glad you know and can get your ducks in a row before giving him the shove. Wishing you lots of strength.

@Eleanor your post made me cry.

The words “half life”. I think that’s exactly what I’ve been living for 5 years.

How incredibly sad - if I knew someone was going through this I’d will them to pull themselves out.

Thank you

Op I think removing this Thread.. just incase the Daily Fail do pick up on it..

I'm so sorry you found what you feared

Oh Coats I’m so sorry, I think you and I have very similar situations. I’m currently divorcing a total bastard that behaved much the same way as your H. We have to stay amicable for our DD and I’m sure because I don’t keep bringing it up he thinks it’s all forgotten about and thinks we’re friends. It’s not and we’re not.

Massive handhold. If I’d have acted on my instincts sooner I might have grabbed a few more years of happiness. Talk to your solicitor and get that shithead out of your life because you deserve SO much better xxx

How very depressing and predictable!
So sorry for you Coats, as someone said earlier, " do nothing" for the moment. Get yourself organised and whack him over the head with the bombshell.

This is my standard so apologies if you've seen it before.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.
Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.
While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

Can't remember the ages of you kids but 50:50 childcare is normal starting place. Depending on what anyone might actually want. Think of the future though and be aware of making career limiting decisions. Also think about what would suit you or what you can live with in terms of splitting up weeks/months.

There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better off you will be.

I’m sorry 💐, but sadly unsurprised.

I hope the bastard really regrets it.

Why do you need to wait until the Investment? I’d be arranging it all to happen this weekend, you can surely still take half the investment return in a few weeks?

I’m glad you’ve found the strength to tell him to fuck off. I know it won’t be easy, very few people are 100% horrible and it’s never how you saw your kids lives panning out...but it’s DEFINITELY the right thing to do. Stay strong 🌷

In the interim: in addition to above re gathering paper work, also put together get kids birth certs, & passports, copies of his pay, tax return, savings, life insurance, shares.mortgage documents. all this paperwork must be removed from the house, to your office, or relative's house.
Open yourself a new on line bank account & start putting some money in it (no paper statements) go to CAB & find out all the info about financial aid.
make sure you change all your log ins, bank, phone, computer fb etc.. disactivate any joint 'clouds'

You need legal advice because it's unlikely that you can change the locks and he accepts being locked out of his house. Unless it's just in your name of course.

You sound very strong! No one will laugh at you, they'll just think your husband is a fool

You sound very strong and I am glad you have a plan. Good luck; remember that MN is always here and can be a great source of support.

no doubt he's cheating. I cannot think of any reason why someone would need to see a picture of him in the bath. Also he got really defensive, plus this cleaning software is real suspicious.

I'm sorry to hear this op but glad that you know now and you can move on and be happy. Anyone who finds out will think that he's a vile creature so don't think that this reflects badly on you.

The good thing about giving him another chance is that you can be confident that you tried everything to make it work so will have no regrets.

All the best op.

I'm so sorry, love. Better to know, and your friends won't be thinking of you as a sap, no one worth anything would think that.

Cricrichan-that’s lovely. I hadn’t thought about it like that. You are right I gave more than one chance so should stand to regret fuck all about moving on.

Thank you.

Sorry it’s turned out this way. Take photos of what you have found on his computer. They will soon disappear once he knows you are on to him.

@CoatsProtectionLeague, you've got grit girl, be proud, but be kind to yourself please, you've had a very cruel shock.☹️
Let me assure you, that no decent person will be laughing, there is only one loser here, enough said.
@FizzyGreenWater has offered up some good advice, it will help you along.
Thinking of you, and sending you a strong hug.🌺
Someone will be here around the clock, don't be alone.

I'm so sorry that he's been a deceitful piece of shit.

Hold your head high, plan his imminent departure by making sure you know where everything is (financials, etc), make sure you have copies of all the evidence that he's been completely unreasonable, and good luck.

Your loved ones will rally round when they find out. He has thrown away the marriage, not you. He had a chance, and he blew it big time. Remember that. This is all on him.

Ah sorry that it turns out he is a lying shitbag, Coats - but not sorry that you've found out because you needed to know.

I agree that you need advice before changing the locks; and speaking to a solicitor would be a good idea anyway so you can forestall any crap he might come up with.

Your life can only get better now because the "other shoe has dropped" - it's been hanging there for 5 years, and it's finally fallen, so now you can stop waiting for it (which you have been, however subconsciously). You'll feel a lot lighter!
and

Thank you. You’re being very kind.