Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Sorry you've had such a tough day today lily, but I honestly think you're painting an unrealistically rosy picture of their life together because you're feeling so bad.

I really don't think this a real romantic love affair. I think it's attention and novelty sex for him. He wouldn't even have left if you hadn't caught him! He didn't choose her over you. He didn't fall in love or dream about spending the rest of his life with her. He got caught out and fucked his life with you up for a cheap fling and now he has to live with the consequences. I don't think he'll be happy at all. I think he'll be kicking himself that he's been so foolish, but his giant ego won't let him admit that. So he's carrying on with the charade...'celebrating life' my arse!!

Because you feel so low, you're convincing yourself that it's some huge, happy love fest, when it really isn't. Please don't let your head play these mind games...see it for what it is....the sad demise of a man in true mid-life crisis mode, making do with a rough, not so choosy woman with no self respect.

You will get through this and you will look back and realise what a lucky escape you had. Meanwhile, distract, distract, distract...anything to take your mind off them. Think renaissance not regression lily, you can do this!

Hey lily, I'm sorry you've had a sad day , but every day like this you go through is one less you still need to go through, you will get there.

Do you have Netflix?

Happy valley
In the line of duty
The sinner
How to get away with murder
The hand maids tale
Unabomber

Tons of great things to binge watch,,,

Ps I also am not sure this is a bed of roses as I previously explained.

Are you sure of when they met? Because if so then if he's living with her, he's basically living with someone he hardly knows in a not very nice small place. I don't think you can make any assumptions about their lives or their future.

I know we all keep saying it, but you need to try to force your thoughts away from them. Binge watching tv could work. In addition maybe speak to your doctor about the anti depressant dosage, he or she may be able to Help you better get through this period. 💐

Thank you so much Tootstastic.

I really don’t know why I’ve fallen apart today. I’ve been crying almost continually now since 4 o’clock this afternoon. You’d think I’d have run out tears by now!

My poor dog has been traumatised, he keeps kissing me bless him. That just makes me even more upset because H absolutely adored him but he’s abandoned him too.

Today has been one of my worst since he left but I don’t know what set me off.

That “Celebrating Life 😍” caption haunts me.

Thanks Bluntness. Yes I have Netflix. I’ve watched some but not all of them.

He met her on 25 November last year. I assume he’s living with her but not certain.

I know I’m my own worst enemy for making assumptions.

I'm not sure he will be living with her, but if he is, it's got to be kind of weird,, they'd hardly have known each other by the time he left. He could be staying with a friend or renting.

I don't think you should make any assumptions about them, I really don't. And I really doubt it's as easy and wonderful as you think.

You'll drive yourself nuts trying to second guess it, so find something to binge watch and settle down.

I had a fairly traumatic childhood. I don't know if you can do it, but I learned from a very early age to force myself not to think about things. So if something came into my head I'd literally tell myself "I'm not going to think about that" and I'd immediately put something else in my head to think about instead, as an adult I now have an ability to detach.

I don't know if you can do it, but if you feel yourself going there, just tell yourself "I'm not going to think about that" and deliberately turn your thoughts to something else. Something interesting you read on here, your book, your friends, whatever, just force yourself not to think about it and to think about something else that won't upset you.

Bluntness. You’re right, I do drive myself nuts over thinking everything.

I know I need to stop myself from thinking about what they’re up to and, to a certain degree, I can. I’ve just had an exceptionally bad day today, I’ve no idea why!

I’m hoping I wake up feeling more positive tomorrow 🤞

Thank you so much for all the supportive posts tonight, I really appreciate every one of them 😘

I agree with bluntness about consciously not allowing yourself to think about them. Whenever they pop into your head, immediately send that thought packing. Definitely worth a try! Funny bluntness, but I had a strange childhood too and I can usually just stop myself dwelling on something at will. I just kind of ban the thought. It's a useful coping mechanism for sure.

Aww...your dog looking after you is so lovely lily. Dogs really pick up on things. It's good that you have the company at the moment.

Binge watching might just help. I second The west wing and I loved The Newsroom (Aaron Sorkin fan, but they're so well written).

Sorry to hear you feel so bad today Lily.
When you're feeling less upset have a look at an app called headspace. They are guided meditations to help you work through different emotions and overthinking - there's one for grief and a whole choice of emotions that you may be struggling with.

Also if you have a look at TED talks on YouTube - www.ted.com/read/ted-books/ted-books-library/how-to-fix-a-broken-heart

And to add to your list of distractions;
Game of Thrones
Stranger Things (very weird but it had me hooked!)
Orange is the new black

Not sure if they are your thing but it will certainly be something different thing to think about.

I think you've been doing amazing Lily. You've had a horrible shock to your life and I've been amazed at your strength so far. You can do this.💐💐💐

Sorry Lily - ignore the last TED link! It was this one I was trying to post .....

https://www.ted.com/playlists/254/talkstoowatchwhennsomeone_ju

💐

https://www.ted.com/playlists/254/talkstoowatchwhennsomeone_ju

Morning all.

Toots, yes it works doesn't it. Just force yourself not to think about it, until thr thoughts pop into your head less often and you can handle it better. Distraction is key I think.

Lilly, I was thinking about you last night. I'm really not sure that relationship is what you think it is, he would have known her only a matter of weeks before you found out, if you're absolutely sure on the date they met. She's not someone he left you for. He wasn't proclaiming his love or any such shit for her and saying he wanted to be with her.

I genuinely don't know if that makes it better or worse. Is it better he left for her or better he just left. I think the former gives you a reason, and someone to blame, the latter is harder to understand.

Sure he is now seeing her, but I don't think she's now living your life as you're thinking. She really is not the key factor here.

I think this is one of the key reasons to try to force yourself not to dwell on it, it really will drive you crackers. Especially since I think you could be on thr wrong track, not least because of his mind games and what he wants you to think. Don't give him the satisfaction.

How about making a worry tree or writing your negative thoughts down so you can park them? Like bluntness suggested it enables you to detach but whilst you're finding it hard to do gives you a physical component to dump it and leave it elsewhere. Helps with the thought process.

So next negative thought you get, whatever it is, write it down in a book and put the book away. Say to yourself (or the dog ) I'm going to leave you there until I'm ready. At the moment I want to put my worries down.

Or write labels and hang them on a tree in the garden or write it on a bit of paper and put it in a jar. Whatever works for you. You need to personalise this and make it part of your thinking routine.

One step forward is one step forward.

Oh Lily, I didn’t see your other thread but just wanted to pick up on what others have said and tell you my story. I am 10 years in. Ex no longer with OW but seems to base new relationships around what an awful,person I am. Latest girlfriend is truly dreadful and one of our children stopped going for a while because she couldn’t shut up about me. Anyway, what I just wanted to say was keep going with the no contact. About two years in my ex and I had a brief conversation which included the line ‘why didn’t you fight for me? And I got the opportunity to say ‘who wants a liar and a cheat as a husband?’ And watch him slink away, very deep in thought. You will get an opportunity to tell him what you think. You are well rid.

Hope your feeling better this morning Lily and managed to get some sleepxxx

Agree wholeheartedly with those saying remove any focus from the OW.

I don't know who made the first move in them getting together but either way...

Say he approached her, if she'd turned him down he would still be the same man, he would still have approached another woman for a relationship whilst married to you.

Say she approached him, if she hadn't he would still be the same man, he would still be the man who would've welcomed her approach and accepted it whilst married to you.

She really is totally irrelevant, it's about who he is and how he feels about your marriage.

Morning everyone.

Once again I want to thank you all for your very supportive posts. Surprisingly, I slept quite well last night. I think I’d worn myself out sobbing.

I have been keeping a journal, I write down how I’m feeling and also things I want to say to him.

I don’t know why I fell apart yesterday. There wasn’t any one thing that I can think of that set me off but I was in a real state.

I am going to try to work on distracting myself, starting today. You’re all right that I need to stop imagining what H and OW are up to. The truth is I don’t know so I need to stop assuming.

I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to post, you all definitely got me through what was a very difficult day.

Fingers crossed I have a better day today. I’ve got a few things I need to do this morning and I’m going to go for a walk this afternoon.

Just had a text from from H. I nearly collapsed when I saw his name on my phone!!!!

He's had a reminder from the vet that the dog's booster is due in a couple of weeks and forwarded it to me.

I haven't responded - do you think that's best?

I'm not sure.

On one hand I'd probably ignore it yes, but it might lead to him following it up if he's worried about the dog, so if you want him to keep away and not to contact you further, plus want to keep it civil, just respond with "thanks" and leave it there.

If you're comfortable with the risk he may contact you further to check it's done, then ignore.

In my opinion no contact is always best, so far your doing great. Personally I wouldn’t respond.

If he pushes then adopt the ‘grey rock’ simple, business like reply..or simply an ‘Okay’

I wouldn't even answer thanks, I'd answer "I know" and leave it at that.

Even if it's a bald faced lie and you had completely forgotten. You have been left with the sole care of the dog so he can fuck off with his reminders.

I would just send a curt ‘thanks’ or nothing at all. Must have been a shock to see that pop up!

I really like walkaboutwendy’s idea. I kept a gratitude journal for a while (must go back to that) when I was going through a difficult period in my life. I wrote down at least 5 things I was grateful for that day - sometimes really simple stuff like the sun on my face, seeing a friend or having a yummy Chinese takeaway. It helped me to feel more positive & enjoy the small things.

I think you’re doing amazingly Lily

Ignore ignore this is not about the dog.He is testing the water

Oh don't reply! Maybe he's trying to open a dialogue by sending that text (it's not really THAT important after all, is it?) but he's trying to do so on his terms. I think you need to make it clear that you aren't hanging on your phone waiting for a word from him.

So maybe leave it a couple of days and then, if you absolutely must, or he follows up, just text, 'I know'. But leave enough time to elapse that you aren't giving the impression that you'll instantly respond to him.

Your life is now filled with interesting and exciting things and you barely even give him a second thought - remember?

Ooh Bluntness I don't know what to do for the best!

I feel if I ignore it he'll think I'm being childish, but if I reply saying "thanks" he might think I'm being pleasant.

Aaargh, I really don't know what to do!

Aw thanks everyone for your rapid responses.

I'll just ignore it. The booster isn't even due until 21 June!

Elspeth, my sentiments exactly. He hasn't even bothered about the poor dog!