Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Ah lily, I'm sorry, my intent was not to upset you but I was aware you would not like my message. I'm clearly not defending her actions, but I stand by the statement that the cost of your clothes does not say who you are. I think we have all been there at some point. We wear what we can afford and it's not easy doing it on your own.

I stand by its him you should be focusing on, not her, and I stand by that he sounds rougher than she does from what you've posted. I don't think she's done well for herself here by being involved with him. I get you want to blame her and are devasted, but I do think he is your issue and you should be focusing your anger on him..

Sweetie she's not your problem. He is. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. As much as I get you won't accept that, it's the truth, she is not the issue here. He is. 💐

They both sound like utter arseholes regardless of what they wear or don’t wear.

Both - Morals of an alley cat
Him - mid-life crisis, fickle and heartless
Her - back street scrubber with an attitude problem (does she have her own teeth op? Has she made it to the dizzy heights of Jeremy Kyle yet?)

They sound like a picture postcard for ‘how not to be in your 50’s’

Vile, pathetic and desperate. In time, their bits will most likely rot off with sti’s caused by either skanking around (which will most likely be blamed on his performance issues...,)

You op, have class.

Keep that chin up, head high and await your turn to be smug, happy and satisfied again.

Raising one for you tonight 🍷

Clearly it's Lily's husband who broke his vows but OW sounds like a real piece of work to me. I think over the coming months he will come to realise that someone who gets drunk and starts fights and indulges in one night stands whilst in a relationship is hardly a dream partner. I'm confident that you'll have the last laugh Lily.

My feeling on this is that both of them have taken the low road and should be ashamed of their behaviour. The only innocent party here is you lily and, quite rightly, you feel wronged by both of them.

I can how it's upsetting to think about the person you love choosing, not only to cheat, but to cheat with someone they'd have previously been embarrassed to be seen with. It's human nature to feel anger and hurt towards the pair of them, whilst also understanding that he alone broke his commitment and vows to you. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

Having said all that I don't think Bluntness meant to hurt you, just to get you to think about it from a different perspective. She seems to be a good egg and has been very supportive.

You're doing so well, onwards and upwards!
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Oh and a pp mentioned about being grateful for the small things/moments that are better without him. Have you had any of those today lily?

Sorry you are feeling so low. I don't want to get into a debate about the OW. Of course you despise her and by all accounts she doesn't seem like someone you would choose to spend time with.

But, it is your DH that has done this to you. It may be that he may not have with someone else less available. Yet. You have indicated other behaviour ongoing for some time that you were aware of and disturbed by. It may be that in fact he was actually loking to do something like this and ye, she was the woman who . I don't mean he was actively trying to pick women up but he was being available. It is hard because of course at the same time he was declaring love for you. But going to the gym,getting tattoos and the other stuff you were uneasy with.

All because he felt entitled to do this regardless of your feelings. It is all on him. Really.

Yes , she was the woman who was making her self available.

I get why you're upset OP, but Bluntness is doing the right thing in gently challenging your thinking. It's part of the healing and grieving process. There's a model that outlines the 5 steps to grieving:

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Just my observation but you were in anger for a while and then moved into bargaining 'if she hadnt come along, if he hadn't started going to the gym, if she hadnt thrown herself at him'. Challenging the legitimacy of that thinking as something to lean on has understandably thrown you into depression, which is horrible but sadly necessary to go through before you can move on to acceptance and healing.

Don't be mad at bluntness. She's doing the right thing

I can completely understand you feeling anger towards the other woman. It’s only natural. But I think what Bluntness and others are trying to make you see is that the biggest focus should be on your husband. Also he was giving you little signs that he was seeking something he was missing in his life. Things like suddenly going to the gym and getting tattos etc, or a change in behaviour usually point to them feeling some sort of discontent. Also, you don’t know what your husband has told this other woman. Men will try and paint you as the bad one so they feel justified in what they have done. He could have told the other woman your marriage had been over a long time, how unhappy he had been, etc etc, it doesn’t have to be true in your eyes but it might be in his head. And if he’s got the other woman to feel sorry for him, it might not be a case of she’s just stolen him without a thought. I understand people have told you her character is not great. But i don’t think it’s as black and white as you want to see it. You say things could have been different if she hadn’t gone with your husband but would you have wanted your husband to stay with you just because there was no woman making herself available? No one is defending the other woman, we are just trying to shift the focus to the root cause of all this and like others have said, who the ow is, was irrelevant - It could have been anyone. You should be able feel entitled to lash out at her and be angry but as time ticks on, for your own sanity, eventually you need to stop blaming the ow, because only then will you be able to truly move on. I understand you are not ready and it can be hard to hear things you don’t like or agree with. You are doing the best you can right now, and I admire your strength. Some of the comments you might not be ready for. But maybe in a few months, read this thread back and I think you might feel differently about some of the comments made on here. Wishing you all the best.

Good morning lily.

How are you feeling today? Again, my apologies for upsetting you, it genuinely wasn't my intent. I hope you feel a little better and got some sleep.

Thanks all for trying to explain 😔

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that a partner who has left under these circumstances will be unhappy, or pay a price for their actions. Age old saying, but life isn't always fair.

Once you're at the stage of disinterest, it won't matter.

Also, it sounds like the ex went through some major appearance changes. I imagined him as quite weedy in a middle class intellectual academic sort of way, don't know why but recent description make him sound ripped with tats.

Did he radically change?

I quite like weedy middle class intellectuals...

Ripped with tats absolutely does not do it for me. Show me a man in a suit and glasses, who works in a bookshop and I will roll over...

Sorry. Distracted there by my own fantasisies. As you were.

Hope you're feeling a little better today, Lily.

Morning everyone.

I agree that Bluntness has posted very supportive posts and I’ve been really grateful for the advice BUT I can’t agree OW should be defended.

I’m only too aware that H is an arsehole and that he, being the married party, is totally to blame for the breakdown of our marriage, however, he isn’t the first married man OW has become involved with so I don’t feel she deserves any sympathy. As one poster mentioned, she wouldn’t look out of place on an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

The main reason for my unflattering comment was after I read the article on Chump Lady that cheaters always trade down!

I wish I was at the indifference stage but clearly I’m still very hurt and upset at what they have done and whilst I know H is the cheater, OW shouldn’t have entertained him knowing he was married.

Between H meeting OW on 25 November last year and me discovering the affair on 9 March, they’d only met up either very early in the morning (7.30 am) or fairly late at night. What kind of a woman agrees to sneak about like that?

Bluntness as I’ve said, your posts have all been really supportive and encouraging but I really can’t agree that OW is the innocent party, she deliberately got involved with a married man and, I feel, that’s indefensible.

I hope that I reach the indifference stage sooner rather than later but just at the moment, I despise them both for what they’ve done.

Zaphodsotherhead. Lol, he wasn’t a weedy middle class geek, he was just an overweight geek!

Having read a lot about mid life crisis, his behaviour is stereotypical.

Also, it doesn’t bear thinking about, but if I hadn’t discovered the affair when I did, he might well still have been living with me and seeing OW as well. It seems that’s what happened with the last affair! Ironically, I know the wife of the last married man she was involved with and now each time I see her I’ll just feel pity. I’d hate people to feel that for me.

Just to add I hate ow my ex left me for skank gold digger so vent all likexx

Live your life well and be as utterly classy as you have been and no one will pity you. They will pity him for having left you.

And I think I understand Blunt, OW is not your focus. It could have been anyone - would you feel any better if he'd been having an affair with a 22 year old 'stunna'? I doubt it.

Right. Off to hunt me down some skinny, glasses-wearing geeks!

You have been so strong I think everyone just feels for you its the worst thing to go through as you've said him dying would have been easier I get that.I still see ex sometimes he now wears skinny jeans ,converse and distressed denim jacket idiot it makes me cringe inwardly he is 50 ow 23 years younger our son is older.The pity is that so many women are going through this and these men just swan off like its all okay whilst destroying lives.Stay strong he had dug himself into a massive hole.Enjoy your weekendx

Lily, honestly, I wasn't remotely suggesting she was innocent or should be defended for her actions. Maybe reread what I wrote, I wholly get why you're angry with her and detest her.

I just think uou should direct your anger at him, at the moment, your anger is more focused on her, and that's not going to help you move forward 💐.

Ha ha Zaphodsotherhead good luck on your hunt.

I do understand that Bluntness is saying OW is not my focus and I know it’s true. I’d probably be non too complimentary of whoever he’d buggered off for. The fact that she’s a scruffy, grubby skank just gives me ammunition.

I’m not feeling very chipper today but not a clue why, I’ve felt almost okay for the past few days. I was awake at 4.30 am, wondering how you can just stop loving someone in a matter of months. I don’t suppose I’ll ever get the answer.

I hope, eventually, I won’t care who he’s with or what they’re up to, I’m just not there yet 😥

I'm out having a potter around with my slightly 'bit of a tummy' middle class intellectual geek DH of nearly 20 years. If he suddenly started weight training, taking steroids and getting sleeve and body tats, I think I'd have him neutered.

Total mid life crisis

I agree with @bluntness and to be honest I think you are losing your dignity by continuing to describe her in that way. I wear cheap and poor quality clothes, what on earth does that have to do with anything?

And it's not the case that if she wasn't so readily available he wouldn't have cheated, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

Regardless of whether you deem her to be up to his standards, I'm afraid she clearly is.

It's not going to help you move on having this obsession with her. This is 100% his fault and yes it might all fall apart between them and he might realise she's not for him but who cares? You should be thinking and focusing on your future now, not theirs.

dustedrose. I don’t think I’m losing my dignity by my references to OW as neither H nor her know what I’m saying.

Please don’t think I’m criticising her merely for her appearance either. I’m criticising her because she’s a lying, skanky scrubber. My best friend doesn’t have a lot of money to spend on clothes but she’s immaculately clean and a lovely person. OW is neither!

I’m all too aware that H is responsible for this horrible state of affairs but that doesn’t automatically excuse her part in the debarcle.

I’ve spent a good couple of hours today on Chump Lady and I can tell you my description of OW is positively tame compared to some of the comments on that site.

I think to say I’m obsessed with her is bit of an exaggeration. Since I’ve deactivated my FB and Instagram accounts I’ve no idea what they’re up to and I purposely don’t ask anyone.

As I’ve said previously, I’d love nothing more than to feel totally indifferent as I’m sure I’d be happier, but I’m only 11 weeks post break up so I’m not there yet.

But if the OW is a cheap skank that wears chatty cheap clothes then that's what she is.
If she resembles corries Liz McDonald then I'd say Lily's description is bang on accurate. What's the problem with stating the truth?! So what! The OW isn't going to read any of this.
So what is you wear cheap clothes - Lily is not referring to you so don't take offence.
Yep there are ten a penny of OW out there that Lily's OH could have gone with but he has picked a cheap skank. That is a fact and quite rightly Lily can't get her head round this. Just like she can't get her head round why her OH has had a complete personality transplant and treated her this way.
You are still very much acting in a dignified way Lily.

Thank you so much eleventwinkles.

You’re right that H has had a complete personality transplant 🙄

Also, I’m going to have to curb my spending now I’m on my own which will mean either less expensive or fewer clothes, however, I would never, under any circumstances, start a relationship with a married man, I’d sooner be by myself for ever than inflict that pain on another woman.

OW knew H was married the first time she met him but said it wasn’t a problem. What kind of person would think that was acceptable.

Thing is though, H will always know that her standards are fairly low so he’ll probably never really trust her and he’s proved he’s able to cheat on me after being together 25 years, so she’ll never really trust him. That sounds like a good basis for a relationship..... not 🙈

H knows that I would never have cheated on him under any circumstances and he very often used to say how lucky he was that I was so completely devoted to him, that he never worried I’d stray. Pity he couldn’t return the favour.

Dusted Rose how on earth do you get that lily is losing her dignity by slagging off the OW on an anonymous Internet forum?! Reaching much? She is venting on here so that she can remain calm and measured in RL.

Lily you remain perfectly dignified, vent away!