Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

@ursawave

Re the remarks about OW - I think that was raised in response to some PP's wanting to pick over the issue about how some relationships need to end for various different reasons. Regardless, if Lily was considering taking her H back then this would be something to think about but she's not confirmed that she wants to, despite what you assume, so their comments are just hurtful and not helpful.
It seems that the very thing you are accusing Lily of 'turning against you' is exactly what you are doing to her.
I'm not sure if you realise but there is a tone that comes from you (and other PP's) replies that insinuate a negative, unfriendly and impatient vibe. Almost as if you are pissed off at her for not being where you want her to be or doing what you think she should to be moving forward.
Perhaps you don't mean for this but this is how it is coming across.

If you could show some more patience and encouragement in a less assuming way then surely that would be more constructive?

Lily - I hope you're enjoying the weekend and hopefully finding some distractions/new activities too.

Hi Lily, first time posting here. So sorry you're starting to get all these nasty comments. I think you're doing amazing and managing to keep yourself together in a really dignified manner. I can't imagine how I would be able to function in a similar situation, but I'm sure I wouldn't be coping as well as you.

I hope you continue to post and can disregard the recent negative comments. I think you're amazing.

Lily has said she doesn't want to take her ex back, because she can't forgive him. But it is still early days and she isn't feeling ready to move on from from being 'in limbo'. I actually agree with you that she should get legal advice, I've said this before.

However, she can't just move on with her life just because you tell her to, it has to happen at her own pace. It's still early days, she will get there eventually.

Morning

Ursawave. I would NOT take XH back in a heartbeat! I have taken legal advice from a very experienced solicitor specialising in matrimonial law. You end your post with “I mean no offence” but the earlier paragraphs are pretty offensive.

As I’ve said repeatedly, 4 months to get over the breakdown of a 25 year relationship, reallly? If you could be totally healed in that time you’re clearly a stronger person than I am!

Keeping the house (which we BOTH pay for) makes financial sense at the moment for reasons I’m not prepared to divulge.

eleventwinkles and Opportunitynox. Thank you. I’m having a pretty good weekend for a change.

I don’t get why posters are questioning if Lilly will take her XH back !!!! Lily’s life and her decision on what she does. If she can’t sound off on here where can she do it!!!

I was in a similar situation to you Lily when my exh left me & dcs for another woman ..... 4 months is no time to recover, to have to sort out finances, emotions etc. Be kind to yourself Lily. Glad your weekend has been a good one so far x

Back off vipers. Go find another thread to derail seriously, get a life

Ha ha Sunflowers. I’ve had a bit of a hammering on here the last couple of days haven’t I? 🙈😘

Why would you take him back??? It boggles belief that people are still asking this when his misdeeds are all over the thread

Have a cuppa and a break from this Lily, do nice things & think of all the progress you made. You must have thought it impossible to survive but here you are, living and on your own terms

Hi AsleepAllDay. Exactly, why would I take him back. He’s most definitely no longer the kind and loving man he used to be.

I still have some very difficult days but I’d never take him back even if he did come begging. I’d never be able to trust him again, he’s caused far too much damage.

I know I’m getting stronger every day, I write all my feelings and thoughts in a journal every couple of days and the progress I’ve made since I started is huge.

I think, eventually, I will end up in a better place than him 😊

When your whole life has been turned upside down, it’s going to take time to recover from that. You are bound to still be hurting after only 4 months, especially when you have been wronged & the person you loved betrayed your trust. You should be able to vent on here and say what you like about XH & OW. However, I think part of the recovery process is being challenged to consider different views & reasons about how it got to this point. I understand you think you had a happy marriage & your XH head was turned by this OW and that may be the case. I think he owes you a massive apology and I think he’s got away with his behaviour lightly! But have you considered that he may have mentally checked out of the marriage ages ago but put on a very good show to you? And you only noticed a change in behaviour when OW came along? My brother in laws brother is trying to work out how to leave his wife but is still acting like nothings wrong. She thinks they are happy & it’s awful to watch! This happens a lot and If that’s the case, you may not get the satisfaction of him realising what he’s lost. I think we all would love for him to get his just deserts but I just don’t want you to be waiting for something that may never happen. I think everyone is in agreement that your main focus should be you, be kind to yourself, you are doing great & you will get there in your own time, there’s no rush.

Lily not posted before but followed your journey all the way along. You have done so well and with dignity. A class act.

Please don't lower yourself to even reply to these nasty evil witches. Breathing life into their negative posts. Their own lives must be shite to have such a venomous attitude to another lady, experiencing a huge disaster in her life.

KOKO Lily

I'm seven YEARS, a divorce and complete NC from an XH I adored for eight years, and I still can't say that I am completely over it.

Those who are telling (note, telling, not advising) that Lily stops thinking about her XH and OW and how she comes across to them might want to think how it makes those of us feel who are still in the position of hoping that XHs catch sight of a photo of us and think 'damn, I let that one get away'. There is no limit on grief. It takes as long as it takes to get over it, and we all deal with it in our own way. There's no point in the 'I did this and I was over him in a fortnight, why are you still wallowing, do what I did and you'll be fine.' Doesn't work that way.

Thanks MrsViolet and Zaph. If someone can recover from the breakup of a long relationship in a matter of weeks, I don’t think they really loved their partner 🙄. I loved XH with all my heart.

Angeanon. Maybe he did mentally check out of the marriage months before he left, maybe he didn’t. I’ll never know. What I do know, however, is his life is very much different now in every way and I know that, at some stage, he’s going to have some regrets. He’s lost his marriage, his home and all his friends. He’s apparently told someone he didn’t expect so many people to turn their backs on him!

I’m not living my life waiting for him to apologise or even admit he’s made a mistake but if that happens - bonus 😊

Well said zaphxx

I’m not living my life waiting for him to apologise or even admit he’s made a mistake but if that happens - bonus 😊

This is spot on and the best way to look at it, Couldn’t have put it better myself. 😊

There are 7 stages of grief , to think that after just 4 months that the OP isn’t going to feel resentment is ludicrous and so what if she wants things to blow up in his face , I don’t even know the shit and i wish the same!

@Budesonide and yep a cheater does usually cheat again. That’s where the saying comes from ! I’ve seen it over and over again. These type of people seem not to be able to handle any possible issues and would rather just move on to something new , which is all great at first (when things are new) but as soon as the shine wears off they’re back to square one and the cycle starts again. One of my close friends (who I recently had to distance myself from) was a serial OW , all the men she had been involved with (and there was a lot) all ditched her , stayed with the wife and then started up another affair with someone else .

There’s also much research to suggest that certain personality types are more likely than others to stray from their partners so whilst every relationship is different I think you’ll find that cheaters usually have it in them to do it again... google it. sorry if that doesn’t suit you.

Lily he probably never will apologise or even admit to anyone he made a mistake. Pride can destroy a life. All this posing and pontificating on social media, is all bravado, he is trying to keep face. He knows he has been a dickhead and he also knows everybody else thinks that. Silly silly man, pride comes before a fall. Unfortunately his is from a very great height.

Hindsight is wonderful thing. I am sure even now there are times he regrets losing his life, you and his beautiful home. Something as simple as coming home, chatting with you about his day. Sitting in his own favourite chair and watching his favourite programme. Or coming home and closing his own front door on the world after a rotten day. All these simple things are now gone. He has to sit in somebody else's chair and watch somebody else's TV.

Sadly like lots of other men his age, he had a mid-life crisis. Could not resist a bit on the side. Got caught and wound up where he is today camping out, in another nest, he does not belong in. Trapped and no way out. It was pure and simple, secret sex, handed to him on a plate, nothing to do with love. Secret sex, can soon, become very boring, when it is not secret anymore. What a price to pay for a bit of dirty sex!

So very sad for him and for you. Lovely life and home gone for that. I honestly believe if you had not discovered his sordid game. He never would have left.

He does not deserve you Lily. Who knows what the rest of your life, has in store for you. Whatever it is though Lily, it will be better than with someone like him.

There will be happy times again. Time is a great healer. You will come out, wiser and stronger.

KOKO

Blimey, what happened here. I bugger off for the weekend and Lilly suddenly you're in a bun fight!

A 25 year relationship ship unexpectedly ending due to cheating is going to take time to get over. Everyone will get over it differently. I don't think there is a right or wrong 4 months in.

Thanks MrsViolet. You’ve said precisely what my best friend has said.

Hey Bluntness. Yeah I’ve had quite a “kicking” the last few days 🙄. Hope you had a nice weekend away 😊x

Was helping my daughter move. I'm knackered. 🤣

How are you feeling?

Ah okay. Hope it went smoothly.

Yeah I’m not doing too badly thanks 😊

Lily

Also have been following from the start.

IMHO it doesn't sound like it will last with XH and OW, from what you said about her going for married men, she probably wanted no strings attached sex from them and now she has ended up saddled with him which would have been unexpected for her.

I imagine she is also feeling like second best as he didn't leave you for her, you kicked him out and he went to her which is a huge huge difference.

You mention you've been married before and you're on good terms with your first husband - I assume the break up with that was a lot less tumultuous than this one so I guess it's hard to guage at what stage you should be at now even based on the end of your first marriage (if you understand what I mean!).

I've also noticed that a few weeks ago you were still referring to him as DH and not XH or STBXH - you've moved on to calling him XH since then which is a step forward.

I know you have the date of what would have been your holiday coming up soon, would you consider something like a walking holiday away wtih your lovely doggy instead? It's just a thought that came to me earlier when I was thinking about your situation!

Hi butterbean

Yes my first marriage ended more by mutual consent really plus we had a young child to co-parent so NC wasn’t an option.

Unfortunately my doggie is fairly old now so doesn’t really do walking, he just potters around the garden and snoozes 😊.

I fully expect XH will go on holiday next weekend with OW which will pretty upsetting but hey what can I do. I’ve cancelled my leave at work now anyhow.

Thanks for the post, I appreciate you taking the time to follow and comment 😊

The fact you have managed to stay such good friends after such a long time says a lot about the both of you. It's great that you did that for your DS. I know a few couples who have broken up and used their child as a pawn, putting them in the middle of an awful divorce so kudos to you there.

Hope work is going well for you, and fingers crossed next weekend XH won't be that crass (though given his history, who knows!)