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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years

975 replies

Lily007 · 19/05/2018 14:13

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 09:41

ursawave. I don’t understand your post. The second paragraph contradicts the first. Why would he turn up tomorrow begging to come back? As you say “he doesn’t care” 🙄

mlh123. Thanks for your encouraging post 👍

OP posts:
bigsliceofcake · 30/06/2018 14:12

I think ursawave was speaking theoretically.

Lily you also contradict yourself slightly with

I’m glad now though because he’s the saddo posting weird and tacky photos on IG

and

*I must get someone to post pics on IG just so XH sees that I’ve been included and he hasn’t 😜
*

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/06/2018 14:15

I think it's absolutely natural to behave as Lily is. Seven years after my XH left me, I still hope that karma is biting his arse like a bulldog.

In effect, someone leaving you is saying to you 'you aren't good enough to be with me', and it's natural to want to prove them wrong!

Budesonide · 30/06/2018 14:27

Errr no it isn't Zaphod. There's a myriad reasons people leave people. Thinking that way is bound to make you feel sh*t if you're the one being left and is the kind of bollocks that keeps good people who want to leave in bad relationships.

And remember those relationships are bad for both parties. Why on earth would an emotionally intelligent person want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there?

The relationship 'culture' we live in is truly toxic as evidenced regularly on this board.

bigsliceofcake · 30/06/2018 14:30

In effect, someone leaving you is saying to you 'you aren't good enough to be with me', and it's natural to want to prove them wrong!

Not really, some people just aren't meant to be together and if it's not working and one wants out it shouldn't reflect badly on either party

Lizzie48 · 30/06/2018 15:04

I think it would be a good idea to bear in mind that when a relationship breaks up, there is a grieving process to go through, especially if you didn't want it to end. Anger is very much part of the grieving process, hence the anger towards her XH in some of the OP's posts.

This thread should be a safe place for her to vent, as she's been very badly hurt, of course she's going to be angry and upset. Her ex's reasons for ending the marriage are not really relevant, as he's not here to tell us. I

Lizzie48 · 30/06/2018 15:08

@bigsliceofcake They were together for 25 years so it's a bit silly to say they weren't meant to be together all of that time? It sounds as if they had lots of good times together, so I doubt he was thinking the whole time that he didn't want to be with the OP.

I rather think the ex simply had his head turned by the OW, as part of a midlife crisis.

Budesonide · 30/06/2018 15:14

@Lizzie48 just because you're good together at some point doesn't mean you're good together forever. Likewise, just because you're no longer good together doesn't mean you never were.

People change and not always in the same direction as each other.

Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 15:22

Bigslice and Budes. I don’t find your posts helpful and I’d rather you didn’t comment further.

OP posts:
bigsliceofcake · 30/06/2018 15:25

Because they don't agree with you? It's a public forum ...

Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 15:27

Zaph and Lizzie. Thanks for your posts.

Inexplicably, some people try to be controversial but it can come across as hurtful which is unnecessary.

I know we were happy for a very long time, people who don’t know us aren’t really in a position to comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 15:28

bigslice. It is a public forum but there’s no need to be unkind!

OP posts:
bigsliceofcake · 30/06/2018 15:33

I'm not sure how pointing out a contradiction and saying that some people break up because they're not meant to be together, is being unkind. In my original post I just mentioned to stop obsessing as it'll make you happier in the long run.

I'm not trying to be "controversial", this board is an advice board and I was offering advice, maybe more in the form of constructive criticism that it's not healthy for your mind set to think and speak how some of your posts come across.

If you put things such as this on such a public platform, as you have seen from mine and other posters contributions, not everyone will necessarily agree with you 100%.

Lizzie48 · 30/06/2018 15:35

What you're doing is kicking the OP when she's at a very low point. Do you really think she doesn't have a right to be upset or angry? He did hurt her after all.

eleventwinkles · 30/06/2018 15:56

Oh @bigsliceofcake you are acting like a know it all! This isn't an advice board this is a place for Lily to put down her thoughts and feelings. Are you an OW by any chance?
There's another poster on here banging on about her 'DP' and his OW.
Nobody is interested in listening to cheaters justifying their lowlife selfish behaviour. All this crap about people not being able to leave.
Lily has been shat on from a great height - if you're here and miffed off because Lily isn't following your rule book of how to do things I suggest you go elsewhere.
This is a place of encouragement for Lily - not a 'I know best you are doing it all wrong'.

eleventwinkles · 30/06/2018 16:00

Same goes for @Budesonide!!

rainbowruthie · 30/06/2018 16:00

Lily sending you some kind thoughts

Dard · 30/06/2018 16:21

Totally agree why attack.
Lilys H didn't leave he got caught having sordid little affair sneaking around.
25 years is a very long time and the shock and pain of betrayal is the worst so leave Lily alone if you have not got anything constructive to add!!!!

AsleepAllDay · 30/06/2018 16:35

Some people are trying really hard to derail this thread! Whatever you think about it, Lily had a very long term relationship end & in brutal circumstances and with an OW involved

It's not about whether people are 'meant to be together,' it's about Lily rebuilding her life after it being turned topsy turvy. Which means completely changing hopes, expectations, thoughts and a whole mindset created during a shared relationship.

Healing takes time and talking about it is part of the process. I know we all want Lily to be so beyond the point of caring about the ex and the OW but closure is a process

Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 16:50

Thanks Dard eleven and Lizzie for your support 😘

I also wonder whether bigslice is an OW? If so, probably not the best thread to be commenting on!

XH was the attached party, that’s a given BUT the OW was aware he was married so she’s not blameless. I would NEVER, under any circumstances, get involved with a married man, it’s not acceptable.

XH is an arsehole, I accept that, but any woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man is the scum of the earth, in my opinion of course!

OP posts:
Rememory · 30/06/2018 17:19

Hi Lily, glad you enjoyed the party. I think you're doing amazing and admire your grace in an awful situation WineThanks

Mimiev · 30/06/2018 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lily007 · 30/06/2018 17:51

Thanks Rememory 😊

Mmm Mimiev I’m intrigued now 😜

OP posts:
Livelylass · 30/06/2018 18:56

This reply has been deleted

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ursawave · 01/07/2018 02:10

My question was indeed theoretical.

Lily I'm so sorry to say but you are stuck in limbo. Pp have tried to suggest it but they have been accused of being "OW" which is vile when they have tried to offer you genuine, real advise.

I say you are in limbo and I ask the theoretical question because I believe you would take your DH back in a heartbeat, and you know you would.

I don't think this thread has been helpful for you because you have been encouraged to be bitter, resentful and spiteful. You will probably turn against me for not being so accepting of what has gone on so far which is:

Continuing to live in the house of which he is making the mortgage payments and could give you grief for at any given moment; say he wanted to move him and OW in? In which case;

You refuse to seek any legal advice so you have no idea where you truly stand (you may have worked for a law firm but are you a lawyer?!?!)

Still obsessing over what he posts on social media despite claiming to "not care or want to know" its shit yet but it's been nearly 4 months now and like it or not he won't give a fuck if someone posts a picture of you at a party.

Really, honestly I mean no offence but you do need to get a grip and break out of this limbo phase. You are happy for him to carry on paying your keep how unstable is that now in reality?