Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

I love that you're handling things more positively Lily, it's great to hear that you're recovering quickly when you get news about the heavily tattooed, dog-sitting fool

Just about to fly off on holiday and thought I'd check how you were going. Glad you enjoyed last night. Have a nice lazy day today to recover.

Oh, I mean I'm not saying you shouldn't know anything, but you are quite fixed on it quite a lot.

It may help knowing bits and bobs, but he and her seem very much the centre of everything for you, what they post, what they look like, even criticising her arms/make up and where they go and when. Also what other people think about the posts and photos too, where they go on Saturdays. I think they are just living their lives.

Instead make yourself the centre of your world and thoughts, think about your interests away from them.

And, I'm not sure you will want to hear this, but those people who gossip to you about the photos and where they go are most likely running into him and saying you want to discuss everything he posts. Gossips tend to go both ways. As I said, if someone in a shop wanted to share details of him I would just say I'm far too busy to be the least bit interested in him.

And if you go out, go out for you, not in the 'this will get back to him' way, because that's still putting him at the centre of everything.

Lily I do note your point but we both live very independently and enjoy time with each other on our own terms. If he wants to move on then he moves on, similarly with me, I may move on too. I would hope we would be honest enough to discuss it when it happens.

Just trying to say like others your happiness dependent on his unhappiness, it might happen it might not.

If he gets really bad he may lose his job or health but so long as you aren’t dependent on his finance you should be fine yourself.

I very much doubt it’s the centre of everything for Lily but it is the centre of what she posts on here, as this is a safe place for her to sound off.

She’s blocked and removed all SM accounts to avoid seeing things, what she has seen has been forwarded onto her, and she’s told the people doing the forwarding not to in the future.

I think it’s onky natural to want to gloat a little when you can, her h ran off with ow after 25 years, that’s not something most people can brush off. The important thing is Lily is healing, but sometimes you do have to take a positive bit of gloating when you can

Thanks Toots have a lovely holiday, I’m so jealous 😘

Thebluedog. Yes that’s precisely what I’m doing. I use this thread to say exactly what I’m thinking just because I can.

Bethy15. I don’t go out of my way to find anything out and other than my very close friends and family I don’t really discuss XH and OW. I always make sure anyone I speak to, who’s still in touch with him, only sees me at my best and I never mention him. It’s 16 weeks since he left and, after being together for 25 years, I think it’s only natural to still feel pretty raw.

All I mean is that when I do hear something it hurts a little less each time. Hopefully, eventually, it won’t hurt at all and I won’t give a toss.

This is Lilys* sounding board. It doesn't mean that her entire RL is obsessing about OW and XH, but this is a safe space to write down things as they enter your head and get them out of your system! So that is, I think, what she is doing.

I don't imagine that, in RL, Lily is at all the sort of person to say 'ooh, look at that woman's bingo wings!!!' She seems tactful and pleasant. But being dumped in the fashion that she was is enough to bring out the bitch in anyone - and if it's confined to here, then better out than in, I say!

Livelylass. I’m not saying your DP is a stereotypical cheater and I appreciate it isn’t a one size fits all situation. What I am saying is that cheating is not acceptable under any circumstances.

I’m almost certain that my XH’s portrayal of me to OW probably is completely biased and inaccurate. She’ll more than likely be under the impression he wasn’t happy for years and that I’m a right cow. If he admitted that we were very happy until just a few months ago, that’s not going to make her feel very secure in their relationship is it?

Thanks Zaph.

No, I’d never dream of criticising anyone for having flaws under normal circumstances and just to show I can be unbiased OW is very slim - although looking at the excess skin on her arms was probably, at one time, a unit 🤣🤣🤣

Oh, I mean I know, it's just a lot about his photos and posting or now on FB or whatsapp or Insta.

There's a lot about people she runs into who describe his photos, I'm just saying there's a lot of energy directed towards the two of them, even yesterday and a nice day it was in the hope he would see she was there and he was not included.

Also, yes Lily was left in a bad way, I don't really think it warrants insults directed at the other woman really, insults towards the husband, yes, but she didn't do this, it was all him. It's actually something men want, women blaming and insulting other women when they're the guilty party.

But my whole point was there is a lot of energy directed their way but not as much towards Lily for herself. I'll leave it there for now. It's just an observation I had, and clearly a few others were thinking along the same lines too.

placemarking

bethy15. Oh I think OW deserves every insulting remark I make, I know he was the married one but she knew that, so I will not apologise for any unkind remark aimed at her.

XH is totally unaware that I criticise either one of them as I have absolutely no contact with him either directly or indirectly and I’m very careful who I discuss the situation with to ensure nothing gets back to him.

She isn't the one married to you. If it wasn't her it would be another woman, maybe with nothing you could pick her up on.
She may have known you was married, but he may have lied to her and said you were leading separate lives, that the marriage was really over.
Men love it when the women get the brunt of it, it's all their own fault.

But nevertheless, my point was the more you insult her the more energy she takes from you, the more space you give her and him in your mind. I'm not actually talking about what they are aware of, I'm saying they take up a lot of your thoughts and energy.

bethy15. I think we’ll have to agree to differ.

Lily there are three possibilities, he told OW you were happy but she didn’t care, he was happy but told her he was unhappy so they could get together, he was unhappy but he didn’t tell you. Just because you perceived all to be happy doesn’t mean he thought the same. You want to believe he was very happy but she stole him away. You may not see what he was really feeling. Almost every comment you make about him is along lines of you knew him better than he knew himself, you know best, he only mixed with people who were your friends, you chose your holidays and activities.

I understand your need to vent but sometimes it’s not possible to move on if you are not willing to consider for one minute that you were anything but perfect.

If you re read the thread you will see many people putting different points of view ignored or put down and so they have given up trying to help.

As for the cheater comment regarding my DP, he has made his mistakes been absolutely dragged through the mud publically and humiliated but in the end found out he who his true friends are and made a new life for himself and left the rest behind. How should or shouldn’t he have behaved in the past? It’s not for me to say, I’m looking at the person he is now

Livelylass Noted

Hey Lily, I've just caught up on your thread and have been so pleased to see that you are progressing!
Last time I read your post you weren't back to work and were still having a fair few wobbles. I can see that things have changed work wise and your resilience is growing.
With regards to the latest comments about not caring what he is up to. I think you are on a long journey of recovery and it would seem that some readers are a little impatient with how far you should be along it. It is your story and road to walk down so will be completely different to others. You will reach a place of indifference but not before you've passed anger, resentment e.t.c
I even think your comments about him 'ending up sat in a string vest' is progress!😂
Your husband didn't speak up about any unhappiness he 'may' have had in the marriage. It is not for you to sit and stew over what you should/shouldn't have done/not done differently as it's a waste of energy!
Keep on going Lily!!

Thank you eleventwinkles I really appreciate that.

As has been said numerous times throughout this and my previous thread, the timeline for recovery is generally 1 month for every year of the relationship. I’m 16 weeks in, which is still very early days.

I am trying to stay as positive as I can but I obviously still have some really crappy days.

Exactly Lily you keep going your H is a prick and idiot and ow obviously complete slag don't get some of these comments xxx

Thanks Dard 😊

I don’t think you’re overly focused on XH & OW either. Completely natural to have those thoughts & this should be a safe place to sound off.

I agree that your XH is most to blame as he should have communicated with you if he felt something was missing from the relationship. It’s all very well to say OW didn’t break any vows, but presumably she knew about you, especially if they were sneaking around & he was seeing her v early in the morning (from what I remember you posting on the thread) I know things aren’t black & white, but where is the moral decency that stops a woman getting involved with a married man? Yes, he may have been unhappy but that isn’t an excuse for the damage caused.

I think you’re doing brilliantly Lily.

Thank you PixieN

Yes OW was aware he was married from the start but he’s not the first married man she’s been involved with - and I doubt he’ll be the last!

Before he left the only times he actually met up with her was either early in the morning or very late at night. He apparently would occasionally go to hers at 7.30 am and go into work late (on the pretence of having a physio appointment) or he’d meet up with her after he’d been on a night out at around 11 pm.

I think that indicates the type of woman she is. Any self respecting woman just wouldn’t entertain that type of relationship.

But hey, they can do whatever the hell they want now but it’s likely not quite so exciting when there’s no secrecy!

So Lily, did you have any photos taken with your friends and you looking all glam and sparkling with happiness?

Ha ha Thebluedog. No I didn’t even think about it to be honest. We were all chatting and the time flew by.

I’m glad now though because he’s the saddo posting weird and tacky photos on IG, I’ve not posted anything on either FB or IG since we split.

Lily what would you do if he were to turn up tomorrow, apologise and say he had made a huge mistake?

As pp have said, you are too invested in them, him, her. The fact of the matter is he probably doesn't care for what he has lost. Honestly he doesn't, otherwise he wouldn't have left.

Ursawave your thinking is very black and white. Of course he might care. You have no idea what’s going on in his pea-brain.

You’re doing fabulous Lily!