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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting over after 25 years

975 replies

Lily007 · 19/05/2018 14:13

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Zaphodsotherhead · 27/06/2018 14:50

Plus she must be getting irritated with his 'hanging on' to her already.

We all know how it goes when a partner starts the whiny 'don't go out tonight, stay in with meeeee' thing. If she's used to her space and independance, he's in for a very short sharp shock shortly. And don't try saying that too fast without your talking teeth in...

Original poster
Lily007 · 27/06/2018 16:04

Yes Bluntness I’m sure your description of her is spot on.

I also strongly suspect she thinks he’s better off financially than he really is.

I hope he’s happy sitting in her house, dog sitting whilst she’s out on the tiles and, more than likely, shagging someone else in the not too distant future. Now that would be karma.

OP posts:
Livelylass · 27/06/2018 19:46

Interesting thread, of course we all hope for karma but XH is still paying for the house and if he moves out from OW then he is entitled to share the house or might want Lily to pay her half of the mortgage so he can afford somewhere else for himself.

I am sure I will get some comments for saying this, I am not OW but my DP left his XW for a very unsuitable OW and been left fairly broke by spending on her and paying for XW and not in a great situation of course no sympathy from XW. However moving on forced him to think about his situation and essentially his payments to XW have stopped now and house sold so he can afford to move on.

Original poster
Lily007 · 27/06/2018 20:01

Hi Livelylass

My XH isn’t paying for everything, he’s contributing to the mortgage and bills. I work 32 hours per week over 4 days and all my salary (which is more than he gives me) is going towards the mortgage, bills etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily007 · 28/06/2018 14:48

Hi all

I’m going out this evening 😊

My first husband (son’s dad) and his wife are doing a BBQ and we’ll watch the match 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚽️

It’s the whole Benidorm gang and their respective partners.

I must get someone to post pics on IG just so XH sees that I’ve been included and he hasn’t 😜

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/06/2018 14:52

Ooh that will be fun! Havea brilliant time! And yes, make sure someone takes a pic thats connected to him and posts it with you in the image, a good one of you laughing and looking great, drink in hand, surrounded by friends kind of thing!

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/06/2018 14:53

Oh yes! And make sure to wear something that makes you look amazing! (Also, if there's an unattended male that your XH doesn't know, just lurking in the background somewhere...that will give him pause for thought...).

Original poster
Lily007 · 28/06/2018 15:47

Ha ha, don’t think there’ll be any unattended men there that he doesn’t know.

Pity I can’t hire one for half an hour 😂

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 28/06/2018 16:21

Enjoy Lily, have a good evening - you deserve it Flowers

Sunflowersforever · 28/06/2018 18:06

Enjoy your evening with your family Wink

Livelylass · 28/06/2018 18:14

I assume you have made plans to pay it all if he stops contributing. So in the space of just over a year DP ran up credit cards and loans of thousands trying to deal with XW and OW and it’s a mess that is still being sorted out. You might have all that to deal with too.

bethy15 · 28/06/2018 18:21

Hey, I've been reading bits of your thread.

Have a good time tonight.

The only thing I'll say is, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if you're looking at his Insta updates, Facebook and stuff, but you seem very involved with his photos and how many likes he gets, and what he's doing. A lot of your interactions are people telling you about his movements. I would say to them that you have no desire to hear anything about him and try to lead your life for you.

Take tonight, you want a photo so he sees it on Instagram, just live your life the best you can without worrying about his opinion. Do what you want because you want to be happy, not because you want him to see it. Don't worry about him and his weight, his girlfriend, her dogs, her job, because it's taking up your energy for you. If anyone offers up that they've seen him I would just say I'm far too busy to bother about it.

Try to enjoy things without it being in context of him, either him not being invited, or him seeing it posted somewhere.

I hope that makes sense.

Budesonide · 28/06/2018 20:29

bethy15 says exactly what I was thinking

Lizzie48 · 28/06/2018 21:13

I agree, too, you're focusing too much on what he's doing. You should be going to social because you want to go, not so you can gloat about the fact that your XH hasn't been invited.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2018 22:32

To be fair Beth makes a good point. But maybe it's easier said than done. It's maybe a bit early not to care or not to have some form of smug satisfaction if his nose is out of joint. It's only human to want that I think and as much as not giving a shit what he thinks is the best place to be, I think it takes while to get there...😔

bethy15 · 28/06/2018 22:59

Possibly Bluntness, maybe a bit of hoping he sees the photo, I don't know.

But reading this thread as I have, there's an awful lot of focus on if he's in the chat, if he's invited, the stall with his girlfriend. Every chat involves his actions or his photo postings or what he's been doing and with who. Even mentioning her arms in the hot tub.

There's a lot of focus on them, that's energy that could be directed towards the OP and focusing on herself and what makes her happy in life.

I don't know, I'm of the opinion of giving people the amount of energy they give me. So if someone has discarded me, I don't see the point in wasting my time with them, when they are not bothering about me.

AsleepAllDay · 29/06/2018 00:19

I agree - I think it's natural to still feel accustomed to caring about his opinion or what he's up to because you had so long together

But caring about what he and the OW are up to will only hurt you in the long run. You're shaken up by Instagram updates, seeing him in traffic etc... I'd suggest a little detox from looking him up and discussing him with mates (it's soooo hard, but worth it)

bigsliceofcake · 29/06/2018 06:55

I* agree, too, you're focusing too much on what he's doing. You should be going to social because you want to go, not so you can gloat about the fact that your XH hasn't been invit*ed

^ this, and also agree with Beth.

If you carry on obsessing about every tiny detail of their lives and looking for opportunities to gloat at the pettiest things, you'll end up rather bitter. Step back and spend your time planning for your future and your life. Aim to make the next chapter in your life the best yet, but do it for you and not just to rub his face in it. Good luck OP

Livelylass · 29/06/2018 08:08

The point I tried to make is that whilst my DP probably did something similar to Lily’s XH he is not lonely and sad he now has a proper functioning life, it’s taken a while. He doesnt regret leaving his marriage as his XW was spoilt and demanding and never listened to his needs. He doesn’t even regret his OW as she made him feel young again and free spirited. He’s now made a new life for himself, he has realised that he still has a decade or more of good earning years so he can recover financially, have his own life where he gets to choose his friends and hobbies and what he wants to do.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/06/2018 09:06

I think we all bring our own agendas to this sort of discussion - I am guilty of projecting my own grief at the breakup of my marriage and my feelings thereafter onto Lily's thread. But Lily is the one who knows best how her husband is likely to feel and behave now he's done this awful thing. She's also best placed to know how she feels she wants to behave, moving forward.

We can give our opinions on how we would be in the circumstances, but, ultimately, it's up to Lily, and she seems to be doing well so far!

Original poster
Lily007 · 29/06/2018 10:28

Wow so many posts!!!

I appreciate the advice about not focusing on XH and OW but, as the regular posters know, I’ve been doing the whole “I’m not interested in what they’re up to” for many weeks. The result has been that when I have heard something or actually seen them together, I’ve been devastated. I’ve decided now that perhaps the more I know, the less impact it has.

Livelylass, I don’t wish to sound unkind but if i were you I’d take what your DP says about his XW with a pinch of salt, if she was “spoilt, demanding and never listened to his needs”, why did he just not leave her. He didn’t need to have an affair just to leave a bad relationship, once a cheater and all that!

I had a really good time last night, it did me good to get out although I’m feeling a bit delicate this morning. Thankfully I’m off work today so plenty of time to recover.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lily007 · 29/06/2018 10:30

Thanks Bluntness and Zaph as usual your observations are spot on 😊

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 29/06/2018 10:34

Glad you enjoyed yourself. And I expect you look great in any photos ! KOKO.

AgathaF · 29/06/2018 11:12

Glad you had a good night out.

You've done really well with the no contact and no social media stuff, but I think you're doing the right thing now by just letting your knowledge about him and their situation grow a little and hopefully it will take a lot of the sting out of it in future when something unexpected happens, like sitting next to him at traffic lights. This thread is such a good place for you to sound off safely too, where with your family and rl friends, it's perhaps not so easy to do that, and you probably don't want to too much either because of things getting back to him amongst other reasons.

Budesonide · 29/06/2018 11:23

Once a cheater and all that Really?

It may suit you to think that OP but there's no 'one size fits all' when it comes to relationships.

And just leaving isn't always that easy. Sometimes it is, sometimes it takes meeting someone else to give you a kick up the bum or maybe to make you realise that what you have isn't all there is.

Not saying any of this applies to your situation, just don't think that the way it is for you is the way it is for everyone. It's not.