Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Hope work is going ok Lily.

The fact is that no-one here, not even Lily unfortunately, knows what his intentions are, whether he's happy or not, planning on returning or not, regretting his stupidity or not. I'm sure Lily has considered all possible scenarios already.

Hi everyone

Work wasn’t too bad. The majority of my team don’t know what’s going on anyway so no awkward questions.

I had to call at my first husband’s house on my way home to drop something off - I’m very close to him and his wife. He said that XH was fairly subdued during the Benidorm trip as apparently they all think he’s behaved appallingly. My first husband (my son’s father) together with his BIL told XH he was out of order flaunting OW on FB and IG and his reply was “I just don’t think”.

Anyway it seems the day they arrived home, XH went out with OW in the evening and promptly posted a picture of the pair of them on IG. Well, it seems their WhatsApp group chat went into overdrive with them all telling him what a dickhead he is.

The following weekend my first husband had a BBQ for all the lads and XH wasn’t invited but he texted first husband saying “thanks for the invite”. First husband replied to him saying “we’re Lily’s family so you know the score”. Ooh, I bet he was smarting.

They only agreed he could go on the Benidorm trip because (a) my son dropped out and (b) XH had paid for the trip before we split. At the time of the trip XH was in fairly regular contact with first husband’s BIL but it now seems he’s binned him off following the IG post after they got back.

I really think he thought that they wouldn’t take sides. He’s clearly underestimated the loyalty within MY family.

So now he’s living in OW’s pokey little house in a fairly skanky area, having to park his (pride and joy) brand new car on the street and he’s got no friends.

Ain’t karma a bitch 😘

That's brilliant lily, I'm so pleased they called him out for being a dick. And yes it will have definitely smarted!! I think the defiant post of him and OW following the trip just shows how emotionally immature he is. He's obviously not used to criticism and acted like a spoiled child.

Lovely to hear you got on well at work too. Well done for going back, I know it can't have been easy.

Good for them, they are right, he has been a total dick and I told you folks don't like that. There was no reason for him to do it. It's nasty. So I quite like your update. Chuffed for you. 😁

And well done on work. 💐💐💐

Everyones luck changes sometime, and I think you're defintely due a bit of a smoother run now.

Glass of prosecco and a takeaway I think to celebrate a good day. And when you're enjoying it, relish the thought he's not as happy as you thought he may be. In fact he's probably felt fairly miserable at times. He really has given up a lot.

Thanks Toots and Bluntness

I have to say I have been smiling at the thought he’s been ditched by the lads. Serves him bloody well right. I hope he’s thoroughly miserable.

Hopefully his lack of friends will make him more reliant on OW and, if what I’ve been told about her is true, that won’t suit her for long. Apparently long term relationships aren’t her thing!

I might be completely wrong and she may be perfectly happy having him with her every spare moment but he might just get right on her tits.

Especially if he's not happy and whinging. That's never attractive. And I imagine he is indeed whinging and talking about it too much.

Looks like all those happy Instagram posts was all about him trying to show everyone he was happy, but was really a defence mechanism.

There is a High chance this guys fucked his life right up...he will be skint, paying to live someplace he doesn't really want to live and is not his, and also paying handsomely for a house that is his, that he does want to live in but can't, he is also living with a woman he barely knew. and lost many of his friends and old social life . Oh yeah and he doesn't even have his dog anymore. Ostracised and skint.

There is every chance she will get sick of listening to him. The shine wears off of that shit fast. He may also be sick of her.

Right now, you actually might be the one in the best position of all three of you.

Oh Bluntness how I hope you’re right.

I really want him to be miserable, unhappy, sad and lonely. I doubt he’s all of those things at the moment but give it a few more weeks.

Another thing that’s occurred to me today is it’s Father’s Day on Sunday. MY son always bought him a card that said “You’re just like a father to me” and he always bought his dad and XH exactly the same gift. Well he won’t be getting anything this year and I doubt her 2 children will do that for him. They probably don’t know who their dad(s) are in any case 🙈

Ooh get me a saucer of milk 😜

I don't know how happy they are, but I will say he can't be in a good place right now, not all the time. He might be all loving the novelty of it, that wears off,,,he will be financially not in a good place, no way he's staying there without contributing, no way he's not comparing it to your home, and no way he's not suffering from the exclusion of his social group. It could well feel like a major fuck up.

The only over rider Lilly I have, and I know you don't like it and won't accept it, is how unhappy was he in the marriage, was it worse than he feels it is now, in his mind. Your perception and his I don't think are aligned on that, I'm sorry, ....he may feel it wasn't that bad and better than he's living now, or he may feel it's better to be out and living like this even if it's a bit shit, but I don't think he can be completely happy, he would have to be inhuman not to take rhe wider impact into account. 😔

Bluntness. I’m really not kidding myself at all about our relationship prior to the day he left.

I know him, better than he knows himself, and I’m absolutely certain that up until the second week in January this year, our relationship was fine. It was on or around 13 January I noticed a marked difference in how he was treating me. From that date, up until he left on 11 March his demeanour changed. He became really callous and cruel.

From mid January he gradually, week on week, disconnected and started to complain that I was really negative or I I had no ambition.

One night, around mid February, he said to me “have you ever thought you should wear more make up”. I was gobsmacked! I know now that the OW is caked in make up which emphasizes her massive pores and acne scars, loads of black eye liner and and pale lipstick that shows off her yellow teeth a treat. I have a very detailed close up photo of her which he saved when face timing her, this photo proved to be his downfall!

So you see I know, almost to the day, his relationship with her became a problem.

This timeline also coincided with the use of steroids.

I know that you’re using the old “he wasn’t happy in the marriage for a long time but carried on until he could use the exit affair” but I know that isn’t how it was.

I know you won’t agree with me but everyone who has affairs aren’t always looking to leave a marriage, some just want their cake and eat it!

I found out, he had to jump.

There’s no one size fits all when it comes to reasons for leaving a marriage. Every case is different.

at bluntness....ostracised, skint and dogless! And lovely wifeless too.

I imagine he's kicking himself. Let's hope so!!

I actually don't get the impression he was super unhappy before. I think he was probably feeling that life could be more exciting, just as the mid-life crisis hit him and then wham! someone paid him some attention and he couldn't resist the thrill of something new.

I'm almost sure he'll have some serious regrets. Being Billy no mates can't be much fun and neither can missing out on the finer things in life.

What exactly did he think was going to happen though? That all your relatives would slap him on the back and say 'good on you?' Because that's very naive thinking - supposing that anyone would take his side over you, especially when they are your family.

Sounds like he had a bit of a fantasy going, like he'd written his own story inside his head which then got pulled up short by real life.

Lily, although I've been reading and have posted before, I'm not sure if anyone's mentioned the steroid connection.
I know you've said (previously) that he started using steroids. These can have a massive impact on personality, anger issues arise etc.
Did he use them , change personality and then hook up with OW. Or did he meet Ow and then decided to beef up his image?

Not that it makes a difference, he's still an utter fool/tool. But the steroid use might be more relevant.

Oh blimey I've rambled on. I hope you get the gist.
for you lily.

Ah no, I'm not saying you're kidding yourself, just simply I was saying based on his feelings on the marriage he could feel he is better or worse off now in comparison. But if he was happily married he was happily married. He must feel shit right now.

And she sounds a real treat...😱

Good on you Lily, it just goes to show that eventually people who remain dignified are the ones who ultimately win/happier in the end - which you will be.

Morning everyone and thanks again for taking the time to read and post.

Told. I have no idea how long before I found out, he’d been taking steroids. I discovered them on 19 January this year. He told me he’d stop them immediately but I suspect he continued.

Zaph. I think he thought his relationship with the lads was such that once the initial shock wore off, they’d forgive him and having agreed to allow him on to the Benidorm trip, he’d be back in the group.

I think I’ve mentioned previously, my DIL is a qualified (no longer practising) clinical psychologist. She’s always said XH has an obsessive and addictive personality. Anything he does he throws everything at it. He’s also very susceptible to flattery and so if OW has been telling him how wonderful he is, he’ll fall for that hook, line and sinker.

When I spoke yesterday with first H and his DW, she told me the IG posts he puts up always show him and OW in one particular bar. This bar is in a local town which is pretty run down and somewhere, prior to XH meeting OW, he’d never have dreamt of frequenting.

The man he is currently is unrecognisable to me and whilst he clearly thinks this is the path he wants to follow ATM, I’m pretty sure, eventually, it won’t suit long term and then he’ll have made a massive sacrifice for a pathetic fling.

But even when the fling is over, he will still be that unrecognisable man.

How does it happen? A man we've known for years, whose foilbles we've excused and whose ins and outs we know so well - how do they manage such personality transplants? I'd guess it happens to women in the same situations as well, but don't have first hand experience of that. But what internal mechanism is at work that they can rewrite their history (and even themselves) to such an extent?

You see so many sad bastards at the age of sixty/seventy, who had wives and families but are now living alone in stained vests eating Pot Noodle with no visitors. Do they think it was worth it?

Sorry. Feeling philosophical today.

Zaph. I really laughed at your comment. I can just imagine XH in a stained vest eating pot noodle 😂. Whenever I find myself missing him I’ll picture that.

Well, I’m off to do my weekly grocery shop. Oh what an exciting life I lead.

Lily you summed it up perfectly when you said the man he has become is unrecognisable to you. He is no longer the man you fell in love with and you are beginning to accept that which shows you are on your way have a wonderful weekend whatever you get up up

Glad to see your good days are getting more frequent

I also think you're doing brilliantly at rhe moment. I just noticed you've moved to calling him XH as well. You're doing really fantastically and I think the best part is you've totally retained your dignity, whereas we all know he seriously hasn't, and he's been pilloried for it by his social circle.

He's going to know that he has lost everyone's respect and you've kept everyones respect and increased it.

So let him go to his skanky pub with his skanky girlfriend and back to her skanky house in the skanky town, and count up what remaining pennies he doesn't have ,. Take all the pics he wants. It's not going to make his situation any better,😁

Bluntness. For once, I totally agree with you 😉

I just hope I can continue to feel as positive as I have for the past few days although someone or something usually turns up to rain on my parade.

Fingers crossed for a half decent weekend for a change 🤞

Me too, do you have anything planned? Keeping busy is key. And keeping in mind what first husband and wife said, if you feel down, think of him getting pissed off he was excluded from the bbq and getting his arse handed to him on WhatsApp.

..and keep the vest and Pot Noodles in mind too.

Lily you do sound much better this week, I expect that getting back to work will help keep you distracted and make life seem more normal. I am pretty sure too that the shine will soon come off his new relationship. I also think that if it does there are really very few ‘decent’ women who would be interested in a man with full sleeve tattoos and an interest in steroids so yes he may soon be on his own. Have a lovely weekend .

Morning everyone.

Blueberry. Yes I have felt better this week, thankfully.

I think it’s made me feel better having it confirmed he’s no longer part of the “group” and that he’s admitted to missing being in their WhatsApp group and not being invited to any get togethers.

I know I shouldn’t really care, but I can’t help feeling smug that he’s been ostracised.

Is OW worth the sacrifices he’s made I wonder?