Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Aw Blueberry. I can’t wait to hear from you when you’ve watched it.

Honestly, it’s bloody dire. I would have switched my light off for all 3 of them the minute the exited the lift.

Call me picky but I’d rather be on my own for the rest of my days than subject myself to that ordeal.

I wouldn’t know where to even start with OLD. It scares me to death 😬

BTW, if I can’t have Graham from Emmerdale, I want Michael Nouri 😍

Lily it may be a few days until I can watch TmO but I will let you know. They seem to pick some nice older couples on First Dates but let’s hope they never do an over 50s version of Naked Attraction . They’d need to lower the panel they use to cover the boobs up.

I have a bit of a thing for art historian Andrew Graham-Dixon . However someone who always drives home sounds good too!

Just watching over 50s take me out now! Will report back later.

OohOohMrPeevly I’ll keep my eyes peeled for your review 😂

Well I started off finding it all incredibly cringeworthy but then I still found myself wanting the dates to go well and felt so sad for the widowed ex policeman when his date just wanted to be friends. The Jesus/Billy Connolly lookalike was an interesting character and I thought he was a bit rude about her yellow outfit although she wowed him at dinner and when they found they had a mutual love of dancing the tango I think they really clicked.

Eewww it was the Zumba instructor I found stomach churning. He really thought he was a catch!

I don’t remember the ex policeman. I might have fast forwarded too much.

I’ll have another look at it perhaps tomorrow.

The bloke with the long silver hair was weird 🙈

I’m getting no chance watch it, by the time I have chance on an evening the DCs are settled in watching Love Islamd!

Getting life back on track is tough but possible. I have definitely not had to settle for trading down.

Maybe let yourself imagine even if briefly what a nice future might look like.

Blueberry. I must be the only person in the country not watching Love Island!

I have to say, I’ve felt a little more positive for the past couple of days.

As you said in an earlier post, I’m going to sit tight whilst he’s paying the mortgage. Although I can’t be certain he’s living with OW, I think it is likely he is, I doubt it’ll suit him in the long term. As I’ve said previously, OW’s house isn’t in a particularly nice area and there’s no off road parking. He will not like having to park his car on the road and, more than likely, away from the house! The house is on an estate crammed full of small semis.

Our house is detached and on a fairly quiet country lane. We have woodland front and back, are not overlooked and have plenty of off road parking. XH absolutely loved the house particularly because of where it’s situated. Although he may be happy to live in her house for the time being, once his rose tinted view clears he may feel differently.

I do hope you’re right Bluntness that I can soon start looking to a better future.

Sorry not Bluntness should have said Blueberry 🙄

Morning! Glad you're feeling better, you seem to be having more and more good days...

Just a thought could it be he can't afford to divorce? It often takes several thousand pounds and you said he's a bit of a spender. If he's paying mortgage and bills on your home and he will be either contributing to OWs or renting, he could be spent up each month.

He might just wait thr two years, and then if you don't agree, have to wait the five. I'm not sure, but if he doesn't have access to money to pay solicitors fees and is expecting a fight, it might be he is forced to wait it out and you're sitting pretty.

To be honest, it's all a bit odd. No contact between either of you, he's paying the mortgage, because he can't not, as you'd lose rhe house ultimately, but he's not tried to seek a mid ground. If he was hoping you'd divorce him for adultary, he's probably realised that's not going to happen and he might be a bit fucked. And fucked for five years.

Hi Bluntness. You may be right.

Also, he obviously knows I worked in the legal profession for many years and that I’ll have made sure I know what I’m entitled to.

I too think it’s an odd situation but I don’t see any benefit to me by getting in touch with him.

As I’ve said previously, I think the fact that I haven’t done anything i.e. begging him to come back and/or tried to create any problems for him, will have him flummoxed. Even if him and OW are “loved up”, his ego will definitely be dented that I’ve left them to it.

I’m nowhere near as comfortably off now as when we were together and I have to stick to a fairly tight budget BUT at least I’m doing it in my own home, surrounded by my own furniture etc., and with my gorgeous doggie.

No I don't think there is any benefit in you contacting him, in fact I think it would be detrimental and it's to your benefit not to. He's made his bed here so it's up to him to sort it out. I'd steer well clear.

It seems he's not thought this through. I don't know, he might act, but right now his behaviour is helping you, not him.

I think you're right about the NC situation flummoxing him a bit. He won't have been expecting your silence and I'm sure it will unnerve him and make him wonder about what to do next.

I also agree about flying under the radar whilst he continues to pay the mortgage. Do you have many years left on the mortgage lily? Just thinking, if you sat things out, could it bring you close to it all being paid off? It would be lovely if somehow you could get to keep the house in any settlement and let him take everything else (his pension etc). Like you say, with the mortgage paid, your budget is tighter, but it's doable. Unless of course his pension etc is worth more than his share of the house.

I hope he intends to behave honourably towards you when it comes to the finances and that your SHL is better than his!!

Hi Toots. Unfortunately there’s roughly 15 years left on the mortgage term. We only bought the house new 10 years ago and we really stretched ourself to buy it so I’m going to just sit tight for as long as possible.

As I say, wherever he’s living at the moment, it’s in someone else’s house, whereas I’m in the comfort of my own home 😊

He's possibly hoping that he can walk right back in when he's ready, but is avoiding contact for now to avoid your anger.

From what you've said, I can't see him and OW lasting.

Ah that's a shame, but yes at least you're in the house and the mortgage is being paid for now. Long may it continue!

I think Whocansay may have a point there.

I wonder, too, if he's going to plead the whole 'it was a big misunderstanding, you told me to leave so I did and then I was just giving you 'space', thing. Come creeping back in a few weeks to see if you are ready to 'talk'.

It's so so hard when you've adored them for years. All you want is life to go back to the way it was. To be happy again, like you were. But you can't, because he broke it and he'd see any stepping back on your part as permission to do it again, so the trust has gone.

My XH turned me into a person I didn't like in the weeks before he went. I became insecure and clingy because he'd changed, and I didn't know exactly how or why. And, although I'm just about over him, I will still happily declare that I hope he's is quietly miserable in his new life!

Keep on buggering on, Lily.

I'm not sure this is wise.

Although Lilly is very adamant she would not take him back, it must be deep down very tempting to think he will crawl back and things will ultimately go back to normal. She is still very raw.

As this is likely not going to happen, I am worried that you guys may be giving her a false hope that he is unhappy and will want to return, he is just biding his time, which may hurt her more in the long run if she deep down clings to it,

Sorry Lilly about talking about you remotely, but I guess you know what I mean.

I think Lily has been quite clear that she won't take him back.whatever.

And I do think it helps to be prepared. If other people have been through the 'crawling back, apologetic' stage and can clearly state that rapprochement under those terms doesn't work, I don't see how that's giving false hope. It's having a realistic idea of what to, perhaps, expect.

We trot out The Script often enough. This is just The Sequel.

Morning everyone.

Bluntness. Yes, I do understand what you’re saying.

I’ve obviously no idea whether he’s happy or not, although I would think that so early on in the relationship, he probably is.

I think he’s just leaving me alone in the hope that I, in turn, will leave him alone, which I am!

I wouldn't rule out a 'crawling back' stage, but hopefully by then lily, you'll be super strong and turn him down flat! The longer he leaves it, the more resistant you'll be to any of his bullshit.

How's your week going? When do you return to work fully and are you feeling ok about it?

Toots I’ve been working from home which has gone well. I’m going into work this afternoon for a couple of hours. I’m feeling a little apprehensive but I think I’ll be okay.

I’m concentrating on getting through each day without thinking too far ahead and I am getting far better at distracting myself when I start to feel maudlin.

As my mum used to say “hope for the best but prepare for the worst”

Good luck at work today,,,honestly, the first half hour might be a bit nerve wracking then it will be like you were never away. People are far too self absorbed to pay attention for long.

And guys, we may have to disagree on this one, I do get what you're saying, just I think it's a little early to be encouraging thinking that way. Could be wrong though, I usually am.,,🤣

Good luck for this afternoon then lily! You're sounding determined today and that's good. I'm sure you'll slot right back in.

I see what you're saying bluntness and do agree to an extent, but I think the more mentally prepared, the better, whatever his next move might be.