Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Thanks Dard

Hi Bluntness. 2 steps forward 3 back this weekend! As Zaph says at least he doesn’t know I’m falling apart.

I’ve cried on and off all day so I’m really exhausted with it now.

Fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow 🤞

Ah, no it's not three back and you know weekends like this will happen, did you get to read any of your book, or do you have anytbjng good to watch on tv...something to refocus your mind?

Actually I’m working my way through Downton Abbey. I watched it when it was first on tv but have quite enjoyed watching it again.

The dog died of cancer in one episode I watched today and that set me off again 😢. I can cope when characters die but not the dog 🐶

I’ll be doing some work at home tomorrow so that’ll keep me occupied.

Ah you need to find something more gripping! Something to lose youtself in...

And yes, I know what you mean about the dog,,😔

I was married for more than 30 years and a month per year is about right... but no way will you feel as bad in the last month as the first.
It’s grief and it’s a process...and it’s hard
It’s really fine to cry...tears are he healing for the hurt that’s already happened

Just sending you kind thoughts as we start the new week

Good morning . Hope you had a better night ? From memory you were returning to work. Hope that's going well.

I know this sounds ridiculous but try this. When you are feeling upset and sad ( and pissed off !) Smile. As daft as it sounds it does help.

Morning lily, huge hugs, it sounds like you've entered a different stage of the grief...sadness for what could have been.

It's hard to imagine right now that your new life will be better than than the one you envisaged, but in most cases it really is. You'll finally be able to please yourself and you'll be more wary of meeting selfish gits when you start dating. Life will be better!!!

Hope this week gets better for you

Hi everyone.

I am feeling a little better today after a really difficult weekend.

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom and encouragement. This thread is my lifeline at the moment.

I wish I could stop being so paranoid, because I’m off all social media my imagination runs riot, always wondering if and what he and OW are posting and how others are reacting. I’ve no intention of reactivating my SM accounts though as I still feel ignorance is probably best.

Honestly, I’m my own worst enemy at times 🙄

Lily I have kept reading this thread though kind of gave up posting as I’m not really sure that you are in a place where you want to take on board the comments from those of us who have been through it and come out the other end. Anyway for what it’s worth I feel you are getting better and stronger but you can’t see your way out of the other end (and not surprising given how soon it is). I would like to comment that having seen the suffering of bereaved friends and family, no it is not ‘easier’ for your spouse to die rather than leave. Ultimately when a partner or spouse leaves you can choose your own path forward, you can be bitter and resentful or you can get on with life in a positive frame of mind. There are a few posts to this effect on this thread. It seems that sometimes Lily struggles to believe that others in her situation can work out how to construct a new life and so thinks that their situations were not as difficult as hers. A friend and are in similar situations, she is still incredibly bitter after five years and I am not. She probably has some upset related to her ex every day, I am now back on friendly terms with mine. She began dating again after four months, it took me four years. I’m happy on my own, my part time BF the same but we meet up and have outings and such together. Last weekend we were sat in the sun having a nice cafe lunch and we both said that we had expected to be doing this with our DPs and it is sad that it didn’t happen but actually we do enjoy the fresh start and getting to know each other. You can move on but it will take time.

Bless you, imagination can be a powerful thing! I wish I could stay off social media but can't help stalking my ExH to find out what he's up to, which does me no good at all...

Glad you're feeling a bit brighter today

Glad you're feeling a little better today.

I think you know to try to distract yourself when the thoughts come rather than letting them invade and ruin your days. You will be aware it's unlikely he is letting them ruin his, and the only person who it hurts is you.😔

As for social media, as you know i think there is an argument for ripping the plaster off fast, and becoming immune to what they do, by seeing it. Taking the no social media route and not knowing will work, but not if you then sit spending time imagining what they are doing and getting all upset about what you're imagining. To be honest, that's probably a lot worse.

I think if you're going to continue to not use social media, then try really hard to make a pact with yourself not to sit imagining it instead. Force your thoughts elsewhere. You know you can do it.

Or reactivate, find out, and get used to it, as much as it may or may not hurt immediately at least you will know and not be imagining it and you will just get used to it and bored of it.

Your mutual friends will have been seeing it for the last three months or so, so will be used to it by now, they probably don't link it back to you anymore.

Going back on social media would be a sign you're happy again. Plus let's be honest, you can post pics of your own happy shit on there if you wished to. Social media only shows what people wish to show, not the whole story.

Either stay disengaged and force yourself not to imagine it, or engage, know and get used to it,,,💐

Hi Lily,
Just wanted to mirror Bluntness. I believe knowledge is power. Knowing what he is up to will enable your mind to be at ease and not imagining the worst, your thoughts are likely so much worse than the reality.
You don't have to friend him, you don't have to actively go looking for the information. But avoiding SM is not a means to improving your mindset IMHO.

Mmmm Bluntness and Bakewell. I don’t know what to do for the best.

I came off social media after reading that’s what you should do to maintain total NC.

You’re probably both right though as I wouldn’t request him as a friend on FB or follow him on Instagram so there’s not much chance of me seeing anything anyway.

Actually I read an article the other day that said couples who constantly post on FB and IG are usually very insecure and do it to convince people they’re happier than they actually are. That’s what you’re saying isn’t it Bluntness?

I’ve been out gardening for the last couple of hours which has made me feel better although I’m sweating cobs!

Lily, I know for a fact my friends and family have a very filtered life on SM. It is a bragging tool. I completely agree, people who post the most are likely a little insecure and / or need their ego stroked.

From your first thread i remember you saying your Husband loved SM. He would post on there all the time etc etc. He probably in his over inflated ego head assumes you not being on there is because of him etc etc (and in this scenario he is correct)

i imagine the recommendation to stay off SM to remain NC is if the partner is going to bombard the other with messages and begging for forgiveness etc.

Honestly, I am not a huge advocate for SM, but reading your thread it seems to be the not knowing that is killing you. Again, knowledge is power. But all of this is only relevant when you are ready. This is your fight to fight. Others have been there and come through. You will too.

One final thing, numerous years ago I suffered a breakdown. I went to CBT and i spent many months training my brain to divert from "catastrophic thoughts". My main tool for this was yoga and meditation, there are lots of videos on youtube, or you could find a local class? Just another option.

I am glad the gardening is helping you today :)

You could think of social media as immersion therapy. Use it in the same way someone who was terrified of spiders who would expose themselves to seeing, touching spiders frequently so that the thing they fear can't hurt them anymore. I've thought for a while that you coming off social media and wanting a complete black out of information about him/them, isn't really working for you so well now. As Bluntness said, you are replacing that knowledge with imagination which really isn't helping.

At some point you are going to end up seeing him, or him and her together, and you are going to go into a complete tailspin. I think healthier to let your mind accept small but frequent sightings and pieces of information about them, so it's not such a big deal when either you end up seeing him, or get faced with information that you weren't expecting and so can't control.

To some extent, I wonder about the no contact stance too. Of course, if you really think it is still helping you then you must carry it on. But I wonder if you have a longer term plan for it? Because at some point you will need contact with him, simply to plan finances and what you are going to do with the house.

To be fair, I'm not sure I'm saying you can read any negatives into their relationship from what they post on social media, just that people only post the things they want folks to see. Seldom do they post about arguing about the laundry for example, or toast crumbs on the counter.

I am saying you could do the same though. Post happy stuff. Fake it till you make it. Posts of beautiful days in uour Garden, of new top or skirt, of an afternoon with your son, of funny things your dog does.

I just don't think uou can really tell anything from social media about their relationship, it is filtered and a snapshot. As bakewell said, it's a bragging tool...

Blueberry. I don’t think my situation is more difficult than other people who are going through a relationship breakdown and I know that, eventually, I will get over it.

As for ever forgiving him, I think that’s doubtful. I’m not saying I’ll be bitter, I’d rather just strive for indifference.

When I said it’d be easier if he’d died, I meant that at least then it wouldn’t have been him choosing to leave and I wouldn’t have the gut wrenching hurt knowing he was with another woman.

I appreciate that when a husband/partner leaves a long term relationship it’s devastating to the one left behind, what I can’t get my head around is that my XH only met OW on 25 November 2017 and he left on 11 March 2018. I can’t get my head around anyone giving up everything they’ve built up over 25 years for someone they hardly know.

Again, I know I’m unlikely to ever get an explanation for his appalling behaviour but it doesn’t stop me from wondering what was in his mind.

Update re: FB. I’ve reactivated my account but I couldn’t find him so I’ve just spoken to a friend (who’s a FB expert). Apparently he’s still on FB but he’s blocked me so I can’t see any posts he puts up or see any comments he makes on other people’s posts. Cheeky git, I wasn’t checking on him anyway!!!!

God what an arse he is. And just shows. All that and he didn't even know you'd deactivated it. It shows he's not worth your thoughts on this.

Had you thought any more about seeing a solicitor,, not to start divorce proceedings, but to at least get an understanding of uour rights based on the different things he may or may not do. I think having that knowledge tucked under your belt will help you feel more secure. Not knowing what you could be entitled to must be making this harder for you. Personally I'd want to know.

Bluntness. Yes I have spoken with a family solicitor I used to work with so I have a fair idea of what I’ll be entitled to.

The main reason I don’t want to petition for divorce at the moment is because I want to remain in my house for as long as possible. I’ve got quite a bit of info re. finances, pensions etc.

The other reason is, I don’t know what he wants to do as yet and I want to do the opposite of what he wants.

Ah I wouldn't file for divorce if I was you either. I'd sit pretty and let him keep on paying the mortgage. No way I'd file.

But if you have a fair idea of your entitlements, if the worst comes to thr worst, you're prepared and won't be caught on the hop, and that's really good.

Hi Lily I appreciate the reply and O agree with others that it is time to get back to social media (seen your post about FB). You have done shocked and sad and I hope that as you come across things he is doing you can think what a complete childish tw*t he is at least eventually.

I am not recommending forgiveness but really just trying to say that if you can get to not caring or forgiveness you will no longer be tortured daily by his activities. Any of that is a long way away.

I would like to say too that my friend who started dating after only four months met a lovely lovely man and they are still together. Not recommending either but trying to say good things can happen when you are ready.

I will never have another full time relationship but five years ago I could never have imagined I would actually be sitting in a cafe having a summer lunch with a new chap.

Keep going - you are doing really well!

Thanks for that Blueberry

Don’t know whether anyone saw Take Me Out Over 50’s Special on Saturday night. It was cringeworthy.

I thought, god help me, if I had to resort to that - shoot me now 🙈

If anyone can get it on catch up, that’s what I did, you can skip through it fairly quickly. It was just awful 😬

I’ve decided i want Graham from Emmerdale. Mean and moody and tee total so will always drive 😍

We talked about the over 50s Take me Out at work but I haven’t had chance to watch it yet as I was out with friends on Saturday - I will make sure I’m ready with the fast forward button when I do. Life isn’t easy Lily but I really can see people being happy in later life with new partners. I am near to your age, my friend a little younger, she has long term health problems but still found someone, she did OLD. I am overweight (size 14) and really completely surprised anyone would take an interest. We were laughing because he knew my views on relationships and lured me in by ‘accidentally’ having spare tickets for events and no one to go with. We are still sad that our very long marriages ended but seeing the light.

Wishing you a lovely evening.