Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Good morning Lily I admit I never saw your first post and have not read every post on this thread, however, like many others on here I have the ‘been there, done that’ t-shirt.

One thing I found really helped me in my stuck at the bottom of a deep dark hole moments was writing things down. I had a book by the bed and I’d just poor out my ramble of emotions and thoughts, they didn’t make a huge amount of sense but it really helped me, plus, I would go back a read what I’d written a day/week/month later and I could see what progress I was making.

I’d also write down the positives in my life, small things, big things, insignificant things, and again in my down times I’d read my list through to remind myself.

Going back to a much earlier post you wrote - I never confronted or spoke to the OW, I felt taking the higher ground made me stronger and a better person. Loads of my friends suggested I go and give her a piece of my mind but, ultimately, I knew that wouldn’t achieve anything and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing my vulnerability and despair.

It’s a long haul, but you will get there xx

Hi Cuttingthegrass. Thanks for that. No need to bow out, all and any comments are appreciated. I may have misunderstood, I thought you were saying I shouldn’t be upset any longer. Also, as I’ve previously said, his exit wasn’t planned at all, he got caught and he ran, it all happened in less than 48 hours!

Like you, I’m doing a lot of faking it especially with anyone who I know is still in touch with XH. Also, I don’t want my son worrying about me so I put on a brave face with him. Unfortunately, I no longer have my parents although in a way that’s a blessing, my mum adored him so she’d have been really upset.

HalfDutchGirl I too have a journal which I started just after he left and I write down all my thoughts and also I write letters to XH and OW, which are never going to be sent, they’re just what I’d like to say. I too read it back so I can see how far I’ve come.

I would never consider approaching OW, I have no desire to speak to her and wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of thinking she had something I wanted.

I had a better night’s sleep so I’m feeling more positive this morning thankfully.

I also wished my XH had died when he left. People have sympathy with a death (my very good friend lost her husband a year ago and is still coping with the aftermath and people are still sympathetic and helpful). Tell them your husband left you six months ago and they expect you to be dating again. Tell them he died six months ago and, if you are dating again, you get funny looks!

I don't know why death trumps being deserted, especially when death oftten means you are financially better off (insurances pay out, etc).

I have absolutely no idea where I got this info from but I seem to remember that getting over bereavement was something like 1 month for every year you were married. So in those terms if you have 25 months then you're only 3 months in. No need to put any pressure yourself to feel better yet. You want long term healing not short term fix.

Plus this may sound awful but I think as you say it would be easier in some ways if it were bereavement as you could mourn with positive memories.

Sorry if that seems like a 25 month sentence, it's just to say don't put pressure on yourself too soon slowly slowly one little step at a time.

Zaph. You’re absolutely right. My DM was only 60 when my DD died (he was 65). She was obviously devastated after being married for 42 years but she didn’t have the overwhelming pain of knowing he’d chosen to leave her.

Walkabout. The thought I might feel as crappy as I do now for another 2 years is depressing, although I’m sure I’ll feel a little better each week.....hopefully 😬

As I’ve said, I’m feeling a lot better today. I’m just off out now to do all the errands I was meant to do yesterday but didn’t because I was wallowing 🙄.

You will feel a little better each week and each month that goes by. Im sure that one day years from now you'll pick up that journal you're writing and marvel at how strong you were and how far you've come

I was going to say, it might take two years to get over completely, but you won't be feeling this bad right up to that day! You don't feel quite as bad today as you did on Day One, do you? So it gets incrementally better as you go along. The good days get more frequent, the bad ones are more spaced out and then, gradually, the awful, gut-gnawing pain slips away.

And one day you are sitting in the garden, sipping a gin and tonic in the sun and you think 'this is nice', and you realise you are actually happy again (caveat - this may happen during winter so not be quite as envisaged).

Hope your having a good day

Hi lily I didn't see the original thread and have spent the past 2 days reading this one. I noticed in an earlier post that you hate the thought of the ow living the life that you thought was yours. She's not living that life, she's not you, she not living in your house and her relationship with him will be completely different to yours. He won't even be the same person with her as he was with you, he couldn't be if he tried. Also from what youve said about how he left I doubt she'll even have the true version of that, he won't have said that you told him to go, so their relationship has started with lie right from the beginning that lie will always be there. If you should ever meet her You could make a point of saying that you have no regrets about telling him to leave.

I think you're doing incredibly well, I split with my cheating ex when I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child so have the Tshirt too unfortunately. He's spent the last 14 years going from one dodgy relationship to another, (8 different girlfriends now, all of whom he's cheated on) whilst I remained single through choice. I'm now in a relationship with a lovely man and am so glad I kicked ex out when I did.

I believe in having a good wallow when needed and would put on a sad film intentionally to get me crying and get it all out, then the next day it's easier to move on and just watch silly stuff which makes me laugh. Something like QI was always interesting and funny enough to take my mind off the shit for an hour.

Good luck, wishing you all the best.

Thank you everyone for your posts.

Dard. Definitely a better day today thank goodness.

happiness. I know what you mean about watching sad things when you’re feeling down, I do that too.

I doubt very much I will ever come face to face with OW, although she works very close to where I work, I’ve absolutely no interest in her whatsoever. I have seen photos of her though and she wouldn’t look out place on the Jeremy Kyle show 😂

I know everyone who’s had this happen to them must think “I can’t believe what he’s done” ....... I still can’t believe it and I don’t think I’ll ever understand it! It’s as though he’s had a personality transplant.

Anyway, I’m feeling tons better today and I’ve managed to get all my errands done. I’ve even bought myself a new dress and a top, the first things I’ve bought since he left 😊

I know I’m still going to have a lot of miserable days, but as the others have said, hopefully they’ll become fewer.

Yay to the new dress and top - that's definitely a step in the right direction! So pleased you're feeling better today and got all your errands done - it's so good to tick things off. The forecast looks nice for the weekend too

Yay a good day and new clothes! That's always a bonus...

Well done, another day where you move forward Lilly,,,that's worth a glass of prosecco at least!

I think it hard because you know that’s still a lot of unfinished business and so many lose ends to tie up. At some point you have to face. Future is uncertain and that’s where your anxiety stems from. Feel for you

Well done tackling a bit of clothes shopping lily! I second that glass of prosecco!

Thanks everyone.

Somekindoflove. You’re right that there are loose ends to tie up but for the time being I’m going to continue with NC. I feel more able to cope not knowing what he’s up to. Yes, it makes me anxious at times but I suppose it’ll be causing him a certain amount of anxiety too as he doesn’t know what I’m up to either.

I’m quite content living in my own house with my doggie. He hasn’t got that luxury which must have an impact.

Thing is, Somekindoflove you really don't have to tie up the loose ends.

My XH told me he wanted out whilst we were on a weekend away. I had to drive back (my car, him not insured) with him beside me, knowing that when we got back he was leaving me. Most awful drive of my life. When he went, I went NC (after a few days where he wanted to 'stay friends', which meant trying to get me to set him up on dates and help him go out and meet people!!). I never broke that NC. Eventually the divorce papers arrived, I refused to sign (he wanted to go for two years with consent, I refused to consent). After five years, the papers arrived again, I signed, I am now divorced.

We have had no contact whatsoever in that time. I have no idea, really, what caused him to leave (well, I know what he told me, but it was all a bunch of guff really and didn't even mean anything). We had no kids and, although I loved his family, I just blocked them all at the same time.

So Seven years after him going, the loose ends aren't tied (apart from the divorce) and I've resigned myself to never really knowing what the hell happened there. I took on the rent of our house in my name, anything that needed his signature just went into abeyance.

You can stay NC for as long as you want/need.

Zaph. What a horrible ordeal for you, having to drive back with the knowledge he was leaving. It must have been horrible. I bet thinking back you don’t remember most of the journey.

I remember the day after I found out about the affair and the day before he left, I had an appointment which I had to attend. I don’t remember driving there or back which could have been dangerous.

I, like you, have no intention of consenting to a divorce, if he asks for it. I’ll do it when it suits me to do so.

I anticipate someone will post that there’s a chance he could attempt to cite unreasonable behaviour but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ve been feeling really anxious all day.

I’ve spent most of the day wondering what he’s doing. I know I shouldn’t be giving him any headspace but, for some inexplicable reason, I just can’t get him out of my mind.

I’ve tried everything to distract myself but nothing’s working and I’m becoming more morose as the day goes on.

I don’t know what it is, I just feel like something horrible is about to happen.

Anyone ever felt like this?

Yes Lily, I get it when my anxieties bad. An intense feeling of doom. It's usually gone when I wake up in the morning. I've always meant to look at learning to meditate as I believe that could help it but I only feel like that when I'm bad so not an ideal time to learn something new. It's crap but it's all in my head so should be controllable by me. One day I'll learn ...

Morning.

I had an absolutely horrendous night, I sobbed for hours. I felt as though I couldn’t cope although I don’t know what the alternative to coping is! I couldn’t concentrate on anything.

I went to bed early just so I could stop thinking.

This morning I feel numb. I don’t feel upset just miserable.

I know there are lots of people who’ve gone through what I’m going through but, at this moment, I just can’t envisage being happy again.

I keep telling myself exH is no longer the man I loved and he isn’t worth my tears but all I can think about are the really good times we had and how much I miss him.

I’ve scoured the internet trying to find information to help me cope but nothing seems to help at the moment.

I know feeling sorry for myself doesn’t help but I can’t seem to pull myself together.

I think you are perfectly entitled to feel sorry for yourself, to be honest. Your XH has behaved like a toilet-dwelling turd.

Every day is a new start. And HE doesn't know that you are struggling (which is the most important thing). Do something nice for yourself today, be kind to yourself, you are still in the very early stages of the grief. Hopefully the sun will shine and you can sit in your lovely garden with a good book and the pain will pass.

Sending huge hugs your way

If you're anything like me then you're mourning the relationship, not the actual person, you're allowed to be sad.

Let it all out but promise me you'll do something lovely today - meet a friend for coffee, give yourself a mini facial to ease those puffy eyes or just go for a walk with your head held high and look for beautiful things. It's impossible to be happy and sad at the same time!

I'm still mourning a 23 year relationship which ended 3 years ago, but every month I look back and realise it's got easier and it will for you too.

Take care of yourself xx

Thank you to you both.

Zaph. Yes, HE doesn’t know I’m struggling thankfully. I’m going to start my new book today sitting in the garden.

I’ve at least managed to strip and wash my bedding today, it’s all out on the line. I did rock all yesterday bar get showered and dressed.

Purple. It’s nice to hear from someone who’s further on that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Only a week before he left, we’d booked a holiday. We were meant to on 7 July but I had to cancel it. As the date gets closer, I feel more upset about it. I’m also torturing myself that he might go on holiday with OW!

I know I need to stop thinking about what he’s doing but it’s easier said than done!

Hope your feeling a bit better today

Hey lily. Sorry you've had a bad weekend, two steps forward one step back is still progress. How do you feel now?