Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

We were married for 23 years and together for nearly 30!

Zaph. I know what you mean. My dream was so vivid and I can remember every detail of it. It’s such a shame as I’ve been feeling a little better for the last week or so and I’m now feeling just awful.....again!

My mind has been whirring all day and whatever I do doesn’t distract me completely.

When I feel as miserable as I do today, I can’t imagine ever getting over this.

Lily you WILL get over this. Countless of us have ... sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true

However you won't if you decide not to. It's all about you. The same as your Ex's life is all about him.

Take control! Embrace that the sun rises each morning and sets each night. That was my only tenuous link in the early days.

Now, 3 years later ... I adore life ... I don't pander to whims... and I have met the most amazing person But it's because I'm happy and confident with me. I've shrugged off his indifference and shittiness. I am worth so much. Every aspect of my life has improved work especially.

Hold in there .... it's ok. It's doable .... lots of tears ... and they come on at unexpected moments ... but HE'S A TOSSER WHO COULDNT GIVE A CRAPPY SHIT ABOUT YOU... he's not spent anytime wondering .. as soon as he could he was off shagging and forwarding any paperwork about anything that you may have had a reason to contact him about. He is an arse in my humble opinion

Thinking of you Lily and hope you've managed to distract yourself this evening. What sort of books do you like? Maybe some of us could recommend some as I find a good book the best thing to transport me to a happier place. As Morrissey famously sang "there's more to life than books, but not much more.......".

Big hugs x

Ah you will get over it Lilly, you already are, you just can't see it, but we can.

Dreams can do that. I occasionally, albeit every few months, have a scarey dream, nothing based in reality, but it prevents me getting back to sleep and stays with me. Yours is worse I guess as based on a fear so got to you.

A good nights sleep and you'll feel better in the morning.

Cuttingthegrass. I know what you’re saying is true but it isn’t always easy to do, especially on days like today when I feel really shitty. I’ve had a fairly good week until today and, believe you me, I hate feeling down and upset. I’d love nothing more than to be able to just switch off. He’s an arse in my opinion too, but that doesn’t stop me thinking about him and what a mess he’s created.

OohOohMrPeevly. I do read quite a bit actually. I’ve just finished the “Love and Marriage” trilogy by Patricia Scanlan. They were really good. I’ve just downloaded the new Jessie Keane book “Fearless” to my Kindle. I’ve read all her other books and really enjoy them. I love Kimberley Chambers’ books too but I’ve read all hers.

Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow 🤞

Lily I haven't posted before, but I have been following this since day 1 (not a stalker, honest)!

In the (what I consider) early days of my split, I couldn't concentrate on a damn thing. So books were out, tv shows, films etc. It was annoying and unfortunately during that time, to cope, I'd have the odd glass too many.

It was totally counter-productive. I'd spend the next day incredibly anxious almost like there was impending doom.

Thankfully, some dickhead I call a mate signed me up to the race for life. A 5k when you're a fatty is no small feat. Knocked the booze on the head and started a bit of (almost) running. I felt almost instantly better. Just an idea.

Whatever you do and however you cope, I do really think you're doing amazing. I was only 3 years in when we split and I still remember the pain vividly

Cuttingthegrass. You say you are happier than ever now, 3 years on but were you able to say you were okay after 13 weeks?

I’m not wishing to sound rude but your post seems to indicate you feel I should be doing better than I actually am.

I’m mourning the loss of a 25 year relationship that was, for the majority of those years, really good. I doubt I’m going to be able to shrug off what’s happened in less than 3 months. I would love to no longer be hurting as much as I am.

Fatbirdy. Thanks for the post. I was going to join the local gym but because I have fibromyalgia and an arthritic knee, it doesn’t seem I’d get a lot of use out of it. I can’t do any high impact exercise at all.

I do, however, go out most days for a long brisk walk which does me good.

Because my marriage was so good for such a long time, I’m still at the stage where I still can’t quite believe what he’s done. Everyone who knows us can’t believe it either and are really shocked.

I am getting better at distracting myself but some days, like today, the sadness overwhelms me.

I don't read much fiction as I prefer reading autobiographies and non fiction however a few years ago I got absolutely addicted to this series of books and every book club I've been in, I've recommended them and got everyone else hooked and they've gone on and read all the other books in the series. The are really highly rated on amazon too.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007533WD2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Loved this one - it's a true story of an ex fashion editor whose boyfriend leaves her and she up sticks and starts a new life in France. Excellent reviews too.

www.amazon.co.uk/Tout-Sweet-Hanging-Heels-France-ebook/dp/B00UK97W5M/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=head+over+heels+karen&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1528402458&sr=8-1

Lily, brisk walking was about the extent of my 'running' lol.

I read your post just up and after a 3 year relationship I did not feel good at 13 weeks. Even at 6 months he was still on my mind despite distractions.

You know as mad as it sounds, a film called Bridesmaids was about the only thing that could hold my attention, but I do find Melissa Mcsomethingorother extremely funny.

I stuck with things that were chewing gum for the mind. Anything that involved total concentration was out for a while.

Keep going. I've no doubt you will get there

Ooh. Thanks for the link to the Tales of the City series. They look just up my street. I’m always on the lookout for new books. I’ll download them once I’ve finished my new Jessie Keane.

Thanks again 👍

Fatbirdy. I keep seeing references to it taking a month for every year you’re together. God help me if I’ve got two and a half years of feeling like shite 🙄

Hi lily, I've just caught up on your last few days. Sorry to hear about your shitty dream, they're really awful when they seem so realistic. One thing has struck me and that is that you seem more together and stronger in yourself than you did a week or so ago. I imagine you don't feel like that, as it's so gradual and incremental to you, you might not notice the tiny improvements. But when you think back to even a couple of weeks ago, you're nailing it (excise the pun based on your impressive DIY!) Think of today as just a blip because of the dream.

13 weeks after 25 years is only a short time, so don't worry that life still feels like a bit of a rollercoaster. It's good that you're getting back into work and doing bits about the house. Just make sure you're seeing someone most days so that you can talk things through and make future plans to look forward to.

Oh and re: the gym. I suffer with similar conditions to you and I can't do any high impact stuff at all and the machine part of the gym bores me to tears. But I have now settled into a lovely routine of Pilates, Yoga and Body Balance classes most days. They're all pretty gentle, but enough to make you a little bit sweaty and great for stretching stiff and painful parts of your body. I found it a bit daunting at first, but now I'm definitely one of the gang in the classes and they're a warm and friendly bunch. We often have a bit of a giggle whilst standing waiting to go in the exercise studio. That and the relaxation at the end really lift me and I leave on a bit of a high.

I hope you can take some comfort in so many of us willing you on and showing Billy no mates and his grotty sidekick just how well you're doing. You sound like such a lovely person, I could happily sit in your garden with you and some of the brilliant folk on this thread, putting the world to rights over a glass of wine or ten! Here's a virtual one instead

*excuse

Aw toots. Thank you so much for that really encouraging post.

Yes, I do definitely feel stronger the last week or two and I too am hoping today is just another blip and tomorrow will be better.

Coincidentally, I’ve just been talking about Pilates with my friend. She’s a little older than me but swears by it. I’m going to enquire at the gym, maybe it’ll be worth me joining just to do the classes.

I’ll have to get my arse in gear anyhow as I didn’t end up going out this afternoon because I was busy wallowing so lots to do tomorrow.

Thanks again. You’ve really cheered me up 🌸

Glad you're feeling a bit better. Yes definitely check out whether your gym offer a 'classes only' rate. Pilates is a great class and the closest one to the exercises the physio gave me to do.

Will do. Thanks 😘

I think a little wallowing is allowed. I know it's easy for us to say 'grab life and be fabulous' and all that, but it's very very hard when you feel like your entire life has been turned upside down and you are grieving for the loss of a person you loved dearly.

If Lily's husband had died we wouldn't, after thirteen weeks, be saying 'you've got to get out there and do stuff' would we? It takes as long as it takes. For some reason if someone dies you're allowed to wallow and grieve, but if they dump you, you're supposed to shake yourself and get back to work.

I agree zaph, it just takes as long as it takes and then one day you just realise you haven't thought about it all for a while and smile to yourself.

Thank you Zaph and toots.

Thing is, and may God forgive me for saying this, I think I’d feel better if he had died. At least then I wouldn’t be torturing myself wondering what’s he was doing.

He'll wish he had died when he sees you moving on and happy and you be all like...

This...

Hi Lily. I totally get what you're saying. And I apologise if my post upset you. I think I was clumsy with my words. Mine was 30 year relationship and a well planned exit. Also had been good and we never argued.

To answer - after 13 weeks. I think I was in the faking it until I made it mode of thought. I was busy convincing my elderly parents and my DC who were at uni that I was fine so they didn't worry (I'm a people pleaser). Working full time helped to distract. I had those lonely thoughts and the 'oh bloody hell what a mess and what is my life gonna look like now' but I also knew that dwelling and wallowing was only hurting me more. It was self destructive.

You are doing so well. Not sure I'd be able to change a door mechanism even now to be fair sorry I upset you. I'll bow out now so I don't do it again. Take care