Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Woo hoo get you, 'Independent Lady. These baby steps really are going start adding up, soon you will be galloping full steam into a fabulous new life 😀

I can assure you that although his new found love maybe intense etc. Hell never be able to make up for all the history that you have together and once things die down he will really struggle with this. He cannot just move on emotionally.

Thank you Lotsofponies.

fuddle. I think it’s just so sad. We had a really good relationship for a very long time and, you’re right, we have so many good memories. That’s what upsets me I suppose, so many things remind me of him.

On Monday (Bank Holiday) I put a Kenny G cd on, without thinking. It’s a cd H and I both have on our iPods and it just reminded me of listening to it whilst on holiday. I was in bits for hours. It’s those kind of memories that really upset me and I can’t get my head around him just switching off.

I know his feelings have changed but I suppose because I wouldn’t be able to switch off my feelings in a few months, it’s really difficult to understand how he can😢

I don’t suppose I’ll ever get an honest explanation but it doesn’t stop me from wondering 😞

Well done OP. You are really strong.

Thanks Horsedogbird. I don’t feel particularly strong most of the time.

I am, however, finding different ways of distracting myself when I start to feel overwhelmed but I have to admit it’s still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep.

I’ve just been grocery shopping and, as I always do whenever I leave the house, did my hair and make up and dressed nicely but in casual clothes. I was wheeling my trolley to the car when I bumped into the wife of a friend of H. She stopped me to say hello and said “wow you look amazing, how are you doing?”. I said I was doing really well and thanked her, I made sure the subject of H was not introduced into the conversation and then I apologised but said I needed to get going as I was going out this afternoon. She asked “oh going anywhere nice?”, I just laughed and said “I hope so”.

I’m not going anywhere but it was obvious she was prying and I was determined not to give her anything she can relay to H. I’m becoming a pretty good actress these days 😂

I’ve got the radio on at the moment and John Legend’s “All of you” has just come on. H always said it was his song to me and hearing it makes me feel sad, but I do wonder what he thinks now if he ever hears it. We have so much history hence there’s loads of music, singers etc., that we’ve been to see live and I wonder if he, like me, feels any sadness when he hears them 😔

Maybe a bit of immersion therapy might help with that song op. I appreciate you are not going to like feeling bad but sometimes it's the only way to get it out of your system. If you can bear it, put that song on over and over again and eventually your brain will get bored of it and will start thinking about other things when it's on. You effectively need to rewire thought patterns through repetition.

Then you'll start to become really bored of it or maybe humming along not really thinking about it. Eventually it will start to lose it's sting as it's no longer an important thing to you.

Well let's hope it gets back to him that you are looking amazing and living that exciting life!

And I agree with the immersion therapy thing. Just after my XH had left me I was in a shop and Pink's song came on, the one about 'if somebody told me, three years from now, you'd be long gone...' my X left just before our third wedding anniversary and I had to really shore up my stiff upper lip for that one! Found myself singing along to it in the shop the other day without a second thought.

That day will come for you too, Lily. It's just rough at the start.

OP I commented on your last thread.

You handled the situation with h's friend's wife so well I wanted to punch the air. I know it's all an act but one day it won't be. And just think it'll get back to h how well you're doing, you don't need him and he really isn't the catch he thought he was.

Thanks everyone. Actually today is the first time I let the song play without switching off the radio but it made me feel quite sad.

I think music has to be the strongest memory trigger. I can listen to 70’s music and remember what I was doing when it was released. Although I’m the same with perfume.

Ha ha Stealth I was pretty proud of myself as I drove home. I’ve spent the afternoon cleaning but H needn’t know that 😉

I'm probably out of line saying this so please forgive me, but I notice you still refer to him as H? I appreciate he is still your husband but do you think you might be able to move on to ex or STBExH?

Small point but maybe the first step in letting go?

Walkaboutwendy. I’ve never even given it a thought if I’m honest, does it really matter. I never refer to him as DH unless you can count dickhead.

He isn’t yet my XH and, at this moment, not even STBXH.

Well done with the friend Lilly.

I also think stopping continually referring to him as your husband might help you move on , ,maybe just call him your ex. I get technically he is still your husband though. I also get it might be too early for you though to be able to emotionally do that. It could be worth thinking about it a little. Wendy has a point and it probably does matter mentally to be fair to her. However clearly you shouldn't do it till you're ready.

Can I ask gently what's happening with work? I'm guessing you didn't feel up to returning last week, how are you feeling about it?

Hi Bluntness. As I say, I’ve never given any thought about referring to him as H or XH.

I had to go into work last week for a welfare meeting with my line manager and a member of HR. I’m going to be working from home for 3 days next week and the week after. I’ll then go back to work on a phased return, working 4 hours per day for 1 week and 5 hours per day for another week. I’ll then return to my normal hours (I work 4 days per week Tues to Friday).

My line manager is going to send me work electronically and I’ll log in from home. I’m quite happy with the arrangement as I’ll be in contact with my team by email and the odd telephone call, which I think will be good.m

Actually I think that's a brilliant plan with work, it will keep you busy mentally and phase you back in over the next couple of weeks or so.

Total result in my view 😁

Morning @Lily

Looks like a lovely sunny Sunday. I am sorting boxes of old old family belongings today. Clearing out what I dont need need to take forwards. Theres always that bit in the middle where everything is everywhere and its chaos, am just over that bit!

Wanted to say well done sorting out your MOT. 1000 miles in a year! I think you might do a few more than that in the year ahead, I dont have one at the moment and I so miss the adventures it can provide, the freedom.

Good luck with getting used to work again, am sure it will feel a bit odd when you first go back to the office.

More tea before I start on the boxes again I think, cheers Lily

Do ignore my extra *need lol

I've been following this and you really are doing so well, though obviously it's all still very raw and you're going through the grieving process right now.

I remember supporting my DSis when her XH wanted out of the marriage. He was actually abusive to her so he was really doing her a favour though she obviously didn't see it this way at the time. I took her to see a solicitor at the law firm where I was working as a legal secretary at the time.

I'm just remembering the advice that the solicitor gave my DSis. She advised her to get in there first with the divorce papers, so that she could regain some control over her life, and over the timing of the divorce. She didn't feel ready either but she did follow that advice and file for divorce.

It had of course been a much shorter marriage than yours, and I can really understand that you feel you need more time. But PPs are right; having done work for a family solicitor, it is very easy to find grounds for filing for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

for you, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.

Morning.

Thanks Betty and Lizzie

Lizzie. I know you’re right about citing unreasonable behaviour and how easy it is to do but (for reasons I can’t go into) I doubt he will do that.

I was a Civil Litigation Legal Executive for many years and I have therefore lots of contacts when I do decide to start the proceedings.

At the moment I’m just concentrating on getting through each day without disintegrating but once I’m feeling stronger in myself, I’ll take the next step.

I know everyone means well when they say I need to start the divorce process, however, it’s only 12 weeks since he left which I don’t think is a huge amount of time to recover after being married for 23 years. Also if I start divorce proceedings now it’ll mean selling my house which will mean selling at a loss!

I have definitely been coping better this week, which is a bonus.

Hey Lilly. How's your day been?

Hi Bluntness. I’m not feeling too bad thank you.

Been sitting in the garden reading for most of the afternoon.

Just sitting down to watch BGT final. I think I’m a little in love with David Walliams, a little weird I know considering how camp he is but hey he’s my guilty pleasure.

Just ordered a takeaway curry and poured myself a glass of prosecco.

Chin chin 🥂

That sounds like heaven Lily - hope you enjoy your evening. I love David Walliams too and liked his autobiography Camp David.

Sounds wonderful to me too, Lily. Enjoy your evening!

And I'm in love with Tony Robinson (yes, short, fat, bald Tony with the thick glasses) so I'm in no position to judge...

Zaph mmm don’t know about Tony Robinson 🤣 but whatever floats your boat I suppose.

OohOohMrPeevly. Might have a read of that book.

Good morning.

Lol on David Williams, but the curry and prosecco was a good call. Hope you enjoyed them.😁

What's the plans for today?

Morning.

It’s a bit overcast today but quite warm so I’m going to do some work in the garden as it’s far easier than when it’s scorching.

For some inexplicable reason, I’m feeling really jittery today, hopefully I’ll relax a bit when I get cracking in the garden. I sometimes feel like this when I’ve had an unpleasant dream although I don’t remember my dream(s) last night 🙄.

I’ve also got another task to tackle, the mechanism that works the handle on the door of my under stairs cupboard has broken so I’m going to try to remove it and then go to the hardware shop for a new one and, hopefully, fix it 🤞