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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What's the worst thing an Ex said to you, when the relationship broke down?

160 replies

Huskylover1 · 16/05/2018 20:11

My first husband cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. I had no idea, until about 16 years in, and then I took a few years to leave him.

Some gems from him, on learning that I was leaving :

  • I'm going to convert my parents loft into a bedroom, and the children can live there without you (50 miles away) Confused

  • You will live to regret this (erm, no, I won't)

And my personal favourite, after weeks and weeks of begging me not to leave....

"Oh just fuck off then, sex with you was like fucking a corpse anyway"

Gaaah

OP posts:
LostDignity · 16/05/2018 22:54

I recently was seeing a guy who just before his holiday told me he loved me and we'd always be in each others lives. He then went away and met a thai woman.

He told me all about her "shes a world class chef, she looks after my allergies, shes a martial arts master, she understands me and I love her"

After less then a week together. He really knocked my confidence and made me feel as if I had no qualities. I then saw a picture of her and realised how much better I am with her.

He's delusional yet accused me of being. He told me he didnt want a relationship yet got into one with her. I'm well rid.

LostDignity · 16/05/2018 22:56

*I am then her.

Plus he has a small willy. I won't miss that

Allabitmuchisntit · 16/05/2018 23:01

“Get fucked you fat arsed, fat legged, fucked teeth thing”

yesthatsmeagain · 16/05/2018 23:16

Another one with the ‘it’s like having sex with a corpse’ ( oh and it’s also my fault that he doesn’t enjoy it AND if I don’t either)
That I must be fucking autistic or something as I have absolutely no personality
And one of the best ones - when he told me I didn’t deserve to be a mother and I should leave, I said he could go instead. He replied he’d ‘rather smash my head in and bury me under the ground’
He’s not even my ex. - we’re still married - sorry if that breaks the rules of the thread. Just felt better telling someone.

tenlittledinosaurs · 16/05/2018 23:23

Yes that’sme - good to tell someone- please do. Tell anyone. Pm me if you like.

I wish I had called women’s aid, a friend or posted on the internet to talk when my ex said he’d put me in the ground. I didn’t. Two years later I left him anyway- a whole lot more injured physically and psychologically. It’s not ok- it’s horrible and however bad you think life without him will be I guarantee you won’t miss him. You deserve more. Please talk to someone. Read the book “I don’t know why does it” download it now

tenlittledinosaurs · 16/05/2018 23:24

I don’t know why he does it - Lundy Bancroft

twinkle999 · 16/05/2018 23:26

I was thinking about driving my car off the road rather than marry you.

So very cruel - will never forget that.

Dhalandchips · 16/05/2018 23:34

I had "fuck off and die" on Xmas day from current ex and "I want to kill you" from ex ex.
I'm actually not a bad person Grin

babycow38 · 16/05/2018 23:56

Just the simple, usual, i love you but I don't think about you that way, recoded to mean, I want to Shag others, you stood up to me instead of being a quivering mess so I feel emasculated, I am scared how you got so powerful and strong, you are sooo much better than me so I'm going to say I don't fancy you anymore, it will leave you feeling crap. Erm no darling, it made me realize what I could be if I got rid of you

yesthatsmeagain · 17/05/2018 00:13

Thanks tenlittledinosaurs I know it sounds a cliche but I have seriously considered it and leaving isn’t an option for me atm, there is no physical violence and he knows I would not stay for a second if there was and that I would make sure everyone knew what he had done. I will read that book though. Mumsnet has helped me become far more aware of his behaviour, and over the last year I’ve sort of been holding a mirror up to what he does and the minimising which is actually making a difference. If only because the one thing he hates most is to lose the moral high ground. I am finding that strong, feisty, independent person I was 20 years ago.

Mrstobe90 · 17/05/2018 00:54

"I had to think about my ex during sex"
"You're a fucking 21 year old with stretch marks! You're disgusting.
You make me fucking sick"

I left him because he was violent and cheating on me. All I heard throughout our relationship was how ugly and fat I was (even when I was a size 10)
I've never been able to like myself since

BitchQueen90 · 17/05/2018 09:10

Accused me of giving him an STI which was complete rubbish as I immediately got tested and was completely clear. He had cheated on me with his ex and was just trying to make me look like the bad one.

Whyisit · 17/05/2018 09:13

The worst thing ever said to me was when I was upset that exDH had gone out and got very drunk, leaving me with 2 small children at his friends partners house who I didn’t really know till 11pm. He had the keys to the house on him and both DC were crying and tired and wanted to go home. He rolled up and I was all ready and packed to go home, the look on his face I knew he was going to be horrible to me for showing him up.
Got into our car for me to drive home and in front of my 2 little tired DC he said ‘I really want to punch you in the face right now. I see why your dad hit you so much - because you are a bitch’
My eldest DC cried out from the back ‘don’t hurt my mummy’
He didn’t respond and he didn’t hit me

The other horrible thing he said when we split up it was better if I was drunk to have sex with, so he would continually be trying to get me drunk/buying alcohol but if I got too drunk for sex he wouldn’t help me (if I was sick for instance) and sulked for days about missing out

He has since said he doesn’t treat his other girlfriends the way he treated me so it was all my fault

Elm1524 · 17/05/2018 09:22

Mine accused me of raping him and even admitted afterwards he did it to get a reaction because of previous sexual abuse I had experienced...glad to leave that one in the past
He even texted me hours after we had broken up seeing if I wanted “fun” Angry

LeChatDeNuit · 17/05/2018 10:20

One of my exes stood over me and said, “No wonder your father raped you.”

He was a particularly nasty bastard.

ragmayo · 17/05/2018 10:30

That I had 'deserved ' to have been raped. All the more upsetting as he was the only person I didn't hide how much it had affected me from.

FWBcomplexity · 17/05/2018 10:45

There is something seriously amiss with these men who use your brutalisation at the hands of another man as a means to abuse you again. They really are disgusting.

Loyaultemelie · 17/05/2018 10:51

You are a cold hearted bitch so I had to make myself feel better. (To justify having been "propositioned" by a 19 year old)

Our sex life used to be shit but you've lost loads of weight now so you might be worth a go.

Why aren't you happy in this relationship? Do you want me to wear your underwear? (Ummm noHmm why would I and how would that fix the fact you are an abusive work shy twat)

LeChatDeNuit · 17/05/2018 10:53

Indeed they are FWB.

MissCherryCakeyBun · 17/05/2018 10:54

Broke into the house ( separated and I had a Non molestation order) smashed a framed photo and threatened " I'm gonna cut you fuckin face off if you try and divorce me....make it so no man ever looks at you again" yep what a charmer

Got him arrested and then got an occupation. order and stronger non molestation order. Finally divorced the prick a year later and 5 years on I'm very happy with a new partner who is the nicest guy 🙂

After years of DV I got free and found that life can be beautiful

mydogmymate · 17/05/2018 11:09

From my abusive ex:

I've broken you haven't I? I'm really proud of myself because that was what I intended to do from day 1.

I had just had his baby. He said some really horrible things, but this is the one I can't get over.

DonkeyPunch88 · 17/05/2018 11:22

Ex 1, who cheated on me with not one but two women whilst I was away for a weekend looking after a very ill grandmother (who died shortly afterwards).

"It's your fault, you weren't here when I had needs"

Ex 2: I have to cancel the wedding, I just can't have my mother upset about this and marrying you is just going to disappoint her. I don't think I can commit to you.

(This was two weeks before our wedding day. Also his mother had always disliked me because I wasn't from a wealthy background and didn't have a degree. We had 3 children and had been together 7 years. I left the next day)

Current DP : Don't worry, they'll just sucker the fucker out and it'll be over with, then you'll be skinny again.

Said whilst waiting for surgery for a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks.

Current DP: Yeah I 'spose I could get someone a lot prettier than you but you've got a nice personality. If you toned up a bit too you'd look alright.

I actually keep a book where I write down all the comments people make about me. I don't know how it benefits me really, I shouldn't but I go over them sometimes and just wonder how people can be so horrible

iwantanewusername · 17/05/2018 11:59

Wow, Flowers for all of you!

STBX said to me during a discussion about finances for the divorce - surprisingly that part of the conversation was fine but deteriorated after that...asked me if I was trying to get the maximum I could out of him, did I really deserve 50%, accused me of wanting blood money (because he'd been abusive and that's why it was ending). The icing on the cake was saying to me: "I hope the next guy beats the fucking shit out of you and you realise what I did was fuck all".

(over the years, he had punched me, slapped me and had his hands around my neck as well as emotionally abused me...).

Oh and during counselling he told me that he hadn't isolated me or financially abused me...not sure if he thinks that negates the other stuff he did. Also admitted he didn't respect me because I didn't have a job (for 4 months whilst we moved to a new town and we agreed I would look for a job locally...also I planned our wedding, trip abroad and the move in that time. By the time I actually started looking for a job, I found one and started within a month of looking!).

Over the course of the relationship his favourite thing to say to me when I asked him to do something (laundry/dishes etc) was "why have a dog and bark yourself?" apparently this was a joke...except he never did the work either...

Pompom42 · 17/05/2018 12:39

I was really upset when he told me he was leaving, I just cried I couldn't help it coupled with the fact I was 10 weeks away from giving birth.
He just stood there and said "stop crying and have some respect for yourself"
Still bloody haunts me now.

contrary13 · 17/05/2018 12:59

"My Mum said I had to call and let you know that I'm not coming home. My girlfriend had our baby this morning and I'm going to take [our son, who was 5 at the time] to meet his new sister!"

He'd taken our son out for the day, leaving our 13 year old daughter and me to have "a girly day". He called 20 minutes later, having been told to do so by his mother. We'd been together since we were 14, having known each other since the age of 11. We were 31 at this point. Our son developed a phobia of hospitals (because he didn't really understand what was going on, nor what any of the life-saving machines in a SCBU are for... and no one - his father, his paternal grandparents, nor the OW and her family - bothered to explain to the very confused little boy what on earth was going on), and our daughter's not spoken to my ex since that day... which was almost 10 years ago.

It also came out, a few months later, that he'd used our daughter's baby photo to pick up girls on his travels (whom he'd then have sex with), by claiming that I'd not let him have anything to do with her. They felt sorry for him... and I guess, slept with him to make him feel better. I often wonder about those girls and hope that they discovered their dignity and self-respect somewhere along the way over the last 21 years.

And when he married the girlfriend who'd given birth to his baby? 6 months later? Our son was invited... but not our daughter! They didn't want a sullen teen spoiling their big day - and, I suspect, figured that she was more than likely to tell everyone what a shit he actually is. Our son, on the other hand, was "too little to understand what was going on" and would have been used as a wedding prop for "happy families" style photos. Understandably, I said "fuck off!" and we went to a family-friendly music festival on the day with very good friends. Where my son very tearfully/innocently asked if I was still going to be his mummy now that daddy was making [girlfriend] his mummy, too? Two friends may literally have had to sit on me to stop me from leaving and gate-crashing the wedding, at that point, just to punch the smug fucker in the face and suggest to the girlfriend that she run for the hills before it was too late (and yet he wonders why our friends from school are now my friends and won't touch him with a 10-foot bargepole! He went from being the life and soul of the group... to billy-no-mates, overnight!)

The baby who was in SCBU is one of the most adorable little girls on the face of the planet, with a mischief maker for a little brother... and a mother who now she knows not to stomp on my boundaries when it comes to my children, is actually one of the best women I could have hoped for, as their stepmother. She does her best to include my daughter (who still refuses to acknowledge any of them - even the innocent children!), and I hope understands that as far as I'm concerned, she's more than welcome to the fucker who was my ex/is her current husband!