How should I deal with his sulking?

[User010101]

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

I also have to say that the reason his DD stays with his mum is because I refused to babysit her on the Sunday morning. He joked and said, "I know she can be a bit hard to handle". I told him this wasn't the reason but that it was because Sundays were supposed to be his contact time with her and if he chose to go off on a 5 hour cycle I wasn't looking after her in his absence. Since that, she doesn't stay at our house on a Saturday and he now goes to his mum's.

So do you believe what you said when you said it was over? Because if you do, he can't hold it together by himself. But you sound like you don't really want it to end. Stringing it out by having talks and letting him hold your hand...

his training schedule was a major reason why him and the ExW divorced.

Well no, I doubt it. It will be because he is a nasty, selfish, critical, lazy misogynist sulky fucker who put himself before either her or their child and that included and was partly represented by his training schedule. But really, she got rid because he's the kind of bloke you're seeing now.

Why are you doing this? Do you want to be happy? To be with someone who supports you, is kind to you, is fair and some one you are just simply able to talk to like another adult or do you want this instead- a lifetime of picking up his shit and being treated like a dog to kick for the privilege?

He's just not a nice person. That's all there is to it.

You know earlier on in the thread there were several posts along the lines of 'Yeah, I had one of those - made my life a misery - same thing as this - dumped his arse and never looked back - suggest you do the same!' ? That's what his ex would be writing. Maybe she is one of those posters!

You're wasting precious time. You're especially wasting precious time if you want to settle and have a family (btw, a selfish fucker like this won't want that, even if he says he will - he's got his kid, got someone else doing the shitwork there and he's sitting pretty- what he wants from you is domestic service, sex and a warm place to park).

I really hope you dump him - you sound far too nice to wreck your life with a shitbag like this.

Yes, his dedication to training at the expense of his relationship and his chid isn't because he's one f the fucking Brownlee brothers, it's because he's a selfish entitled twat.

I'm cross on your behalf now

Look at how he's treated your event? and your training? Like it just doesn't matter. Only he matters. You do not. He doesn't like, love or respect you OP. He only cares about himself. Not his child,. Not you, his partner. Just himself.

I did tell him it's over and he could move out but he just ignored it. He then went and hung the washing out and made me a cup of tea like nothing had happened. He also sat next to me and was hugging me, holding my hand etc. More fool me, I suppose.

Well yes, because now it's back to business as usual isn't it!

Guilt trips because you're still trying to act like you're an equal concern in this relationship! Haven't you learned your lesson yet eh?

You told him to leave your home and he is so sure that you are actually his inferior that he felt entirely entitled to totally ignore it. Think about that. Brushed you off. Oh bloody hell it's still upset. Give it a cup of tea, that will shut it up. Now, where's my lovely bike?

Get rid, you are being utterly insulted.

And no wonder your self esteem is in tatters. It's because he has treated you like shit, that's how you've started to think about yourself.

I don't even want to think about what he said to you on Sunday because I suspect it would make me murderous.

Oh Op, I've read the thread and I usually stay away from commenting but please you are worth so much more than him, he does not show you respect. You told him it was over and he did not acknowledge it. Be strong. Tell him you deserve more and to not feel like you are 'just there'.

You really deserve more than this treatment. Tell him again it's over, make him listen

So you're now in the "reconciliation" stage.

I don't know whether you regard what he is doing (particularly punishing you with protracted periods of silence if you don't do as you're told) as abusive, but hanging up the washing and cuddling you after an episode is classic abuser tactics.

user

"I did tell him it's over and he could move out but he just ignored it. He then went and hung the washing out and made me a cup of tea like nothing had happened. He also sat next to me and was hugging me, holding my hand etc. More fool me, I suppose".

What are you so afraid of here that you seemingly do not want to part with him?. Is life with him really better than being without him?. What is going on in your head?. He certainly knows you are not serious re your first sentence here and that is why he ignored you. You were an easy target to someone like him and he actively targeted you because he knew that you were and still are very emotionally vulnerable.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

I did tell him it's over and he could move out
'COULD'!!!???
That just gives him a get out (or stay in).
It's not firm.
It's like - you can if you want to.

You need to be firm with strong words and conviction.
'This is over. I mean completely over. You have to move out of my house and I'm giving you 2 days to get all your shit out of here. If it's not gone by then I shall be throwing it all out of the windows and you can collect it from the front garden.'

Honestly OP. You remain a walk over and you even know it but you are still going along with it.
I honestly don't get it.

Mindfulness might help you so look into that.
Assertiveness training and the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
Do as much as you can to learn about abusers.
The Lundy Bancroft book would be good 'Why does he do that'?

But, for the love of god, get him gone!!!!

Surely getting rid of this selfish, miserable user would boost your self esteem 200%.
He doesn’t even make time for his DD.
He has made virtually no (hand hold, cup of tea) attempt to make amends or win you back, I don’t think he cares what you do. Just get rid.

But you do have a backbone OP, you are not a total walkover, you told him you weren't going to babysit his DD on Sunday mornings and you meant it. He just got another woman to do his bidding instead.

You need to find that determination more often.

'Can I borrow your car?'

'No, I need it.'

'But I'm out of petrol'

'That's a shame'.

Every time my ex was hideous to me, he would invariably follow it up with something nice. Flowers, chocolates, a meal out somewhere nice, jewellery. It depended how badly he'd behaved.

Your partner is following the classic user script. When does using someone become abusing them? How much are you willing to tolerate before you chuck him? How far will you let him push you? You say you have low self esteem now - I'd bet he's contributed to that, & will make it worse, if you don't leave.

I text him there to ask if he'd been up to much over lunch. His response after an hour... "Nope Xxx". What a dickhead!! I wrote back, "I'm keeping well too, thanks for asking".

'But I'm out of petrol'

The petrol station is that way =====>>>

So you are doing nothing and letting him carry on as before?

Completely your choice but don't bother coming back on here when you're fed up with the same issue in a couple of weeks as the advice will still be the same

Ready to dump him properly yet, OP?

I feel OP is terrified of losing this man, for whatever reason.

I think I am ready to dump him properly. I have had enough of this shit!! He's an asshole!

He read my last message and no response!! I don't know whether to text him to tell him to leave or wait until he gets home.

He'll try to minimise what's gone on. He'll say "she dumped me because I wouldn't give her a lift ro an event - how pathetic is that?"

Just remember you're dumping him because he's a selfish, immature, entitled, spiteful, pathetic arsehole

How will you make him listen this time?

There's been some good ideas on this thread... Maybe have a re read.

Tell him to come and pack his stuff this evening. If he doesn't do this, his stuff will be put in black bags on the lawn. Then change the locks. Why are you texting him btw?

I would be inclined to skip the race. He will only ridicule you over it which was probably why he suggested it in the first place.

He holds you in utter, undiluted contempt. And it seems like you are like a deer frozen in the headlights...so he saunters on, at will, without missing a step. His ignoring you is treating you like you are invisible. His sulking is treating you like you are invisible. He says he isn’t sulking because you are not even on his radar: invisible.

Enough is enough. Stop listening to him- if he condescends to speak to you. Stop letting him touch you...eww- like he has a contagious plague: arm’s length, literally.

He is using you to subsidize his life. He is using you for a fuck. You might not be comfortable being rude to someone-he is definitely using this against you. In these circumstances it is perfectly fine to be a bitch.

Practice saying “no”. Practice out loud. No. Practice so it just rolls off your tongue like a well rehearsed script. No. Say no first, think about it later. No.

Did he get petrol for his car yet? I’d pack his stuff in his car. Yeah, he wants to ride around in your two seater. NO!

He'll say "she dumped me because I wouldn't give her a lift ro an event - how pathetic is that?"

"And I was rearranging everything so I could take her (that's the kind of man I am). She basically dumped me because I forgot about it!"