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Original poster

How should I deal with his sulking?

466 replies

User010101 · 15/05/2018 21:08

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

OP posts:
Gloryificus · 17/05/2018 11:13

Op you do have a say and a choice in the type of relationship you want. Sometimes we don't get the right person though who fits with our views of needing to be valued respected cherished loves and supported. If these needs aren't met them the relationship is pretty much dead in the water.
Your bf is who he is his treatment of you reflects his fairly ingrained personality there is no magic words to make him change into the man you wish he could be.
The snippets of a quick kiss and meaningless words are simply empty gestures designed to keep you hanging for more, 'he's dangling the man you wish he was' but he has no intention of being.

If someone was upset enough to miss work and want to split up I'd want to be the cheekiest fucker around to ignore my partner and take their car because my no hobby is far superior than their feelings. I'd want to seriously give no shit to laugh ignore and get on with my hobby!
Op your first step is to access counselling build your esteem, start setting new boundaries and benchmarks for behaviour you aren't willing to accept. And more importantly value yourself enough to walk away from a person who doesn't deserve you

MsP0b · 17/05/2018 12:28

Echoing what @CurlyhairedAssassin said 100%

Original poster
User010101 · 17/05/2018 12:39

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your comments and support. I was wondering if anybody could recommend any good books/courses on building self-esteem. I think I need to working my own self-worth and learn to like/love myself which I don't at the minute.

About 8 weeks ago my dp encouraged me to enter a 50 mile cycling sportive which is on this Sunday and he said he would give me a lift to it as it's about 30 miles away and my car can't fit a bike. He messaged me today to say that he was planning on staying at his mum's on Saturday night if that was ok. I wrote back and said about the cycling event and he said he had forgotten all about it. I asked why he was planning on going to his mum's anyway and he said he had his DD on Saturday/Sunday and he needed to get out on a long cycle on Sunday morning. He asked if I needed a lift to the event...erm, yes!! The only reason I entered is because he said he would drive me!!!Angry

The rest of the messages went like this...

Him: Ok. I’ll just have to cancel coming in for overtime on Saturday to get out no big deal xxx

Me: Can you not just do your overtime and not go out? It's only one week. xxx

Him: Nope this is my last weekend of large volume before backing off a bit before [my next race]

Trained and put in too much time to start fucking about now xxx

I really think that first message about the overtime was an attempt to make me feel guilty and say, "oh please don't give up your overtime for me!" Also, this is the only time I have ever really asked him to make a big effort for me. I have driven countless times to go to his races and watch and cheer in the cold.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 17/05/2018 12:41

Do not cancel your event for him. Ni matter how much he turns on the emotional blackmail.

MsP0b · 17/05/2018 12:42

Loads of good advice here OP. You definitely deserve to be someone's first best, as PP said.

It can be extra daunting to walk away from a relationship in one's mid 30s because you think, I don't have time to meet someone new to have a family with so I have to make this relationship work. I don't know if this is on your mind at all but if so- it's not true! It's never right to stay in a relationship that degrades your self worth.

Be strong. It will be worth it.

magoria · 17/05/2018 12:42

Forget the ride.

Tell him you meant it when you said your relationship was over and to stay at his mums.

You are now letting him to treat you like shit and completely unimportant.

You deserve better.

MachineBee · 17/05/2018 12:43

Do you really want to do this race for yourself or did you agree to please him? If the latter, can you pull out of the race (and get your entry fee back)?

Him being out all weekend is an ideal opportunity to pack his stuff up, arrange to change the locks and start your new life.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2018 12:51

I think you're right, OP, about the guilting. And even though you say "this is the only time I have ever really asked him to make a big effort for me," actually this isn't even about something you decided you wanted to do in the first place!

I had very low self-esteem after years with someone similarly selfish. I found two things helped me: firstly, counselling. It was such a revelation to have space where what I said mattered and I was listened to. Secondly, leaving him. Once I was away from all his put-downs, and his little ways of trying to organise my life, I realised I could do more than I thought I could and accepted my shortcomings more than he did. That was what I was living with, your situation might be different. But seriously, don't wait until your self-esteem is great before you leave. Leaving will make the most difference.

Okki · 17/05/2018 12:52

De- lurking. Oh dear. He's totally disregarding you. Do you actually want to do the event or are you doing it for him. Why don't you not go, and have a lovely day instead packing his stuff up.

I wonder if his attitude is why he and his exP split up.

Original poster
User010101 · 17/05/2018 12:58

I was actually looking forward to the race as I really enjoy cycling. He rarely goes out with me as he commented once that a. It wasn't in his training schedule and b. It wasn't enough exercise for him and he was hardly even spinning his legs. I did call him out on this at the time and said how rude it was to imply he's so much better than me. I told him that it really annoyed me as he knows I don't particularly like going out on my own and it would be nice for him to set a couple of hours aside for me whether it was in his "schedule" or not.

I'm in two minds as to whether I should make him stick to driving me to this or whether I should just tell him to fuck off and I don't want anything else from him again. I wouldn't get the entry fee back but it wasn't that expensive and is for charity.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 17/05/2018 13:00

only tell him to fuck off if it's out of your life as well. otherwise hold him to his commitment.

SendintheArdwolves · 17/05/2018 13:01

I understand what it's like to have anxiety and low self esteem, OP. You wish you could find a way to feel brave and strong, then you would do all the things you feel you aren't capable of.

We think we have to feel brave to do brave things, but it's the other way around. Only by acting in our own best interests can we raise our self esteem, and only by doing brave things will we ever realise we are brave.

I'm sorry that there isn't an easier way, OP, but I'm afraid that sitting and waiting for the feelings to come along before the action means waiting a hell of a long time. It goes acting brave = feeling brave, not the other way around.

Flowers cos I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but you can waste your whole life waiting to feel stronger. You just have to do it xx

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 13:02

What car do you have? I have a tiny little car and my bike fits in. Put the back seats down and take both wheels off. It'll fit (unless it's a 2 seater?).

His comment about training is fair enough. It probably is important. But you are right that his comment about overtime appears to be a guilt trip. What he is actually doing is choosing his bike ride over overtime. Which is fine, but nothing to do with you! You aren't making him choose you-- he was the one who encouraged you to do the ride, ffs!

Alternatively don't do the sportive if you don't want to. If you have been training for it, and are likely to regret not doing it, then go ahead. If not, fuck it, go for a nice jaunt in the sun on your own, or do something else entirely.

I am struggling to understand how you have gone (not just you, your DP as well) from literally one of you breaking up with the other, to just carrying on as normal. With no discussion. There appears to be a distinct lack of communication and expression from your side, which he is exploiting.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 13:04

You don't want to train with him. He sounds like an overcompetitive asshole. You would be fed up with him riding off or making sarky comments after 20 minutes. Reading about him is angering me. Does it not make you angry to have to reread/process it?

Original poster
User010101 · 17/05/2018 13:08

@dirtybadger thanks but it's a two seater!Smile

I have been training for the sportive and have been putting extra miles in recently so definitely wanted to challenge myself. I think I will just let him drive me and not feel guilty about it at all. I do wonder if he'll try to wriggle his way out of it though!!

I did talk to him last night and said a lot about his sulking. He denied that he even had been sulking which seemed strange to me. I mean, seriously!!! I'm not sure he knows how close to the end of my tether I am and that's why he's just carrying on as normal. Yes, btw to whoever asked...his training schedule was a major reason why him and the ExW divorced.

OP posts:
LiveLifeWithPassion · 17/05/2018 13:08

Is there any other way you can get to the event?
Don’t rely on him for anything.

DowntonCrabby · 17/05/2018 13:10

Oh God OP, he’s a selfish, self important, degrading, blackmailing, arrogant arsehole.

You are worth a million times more than that. Please please PLEASE leave him.

Original poster
User010101 · 17/05/2018 13:11

I asked my sister if she could drive me but she's busy on Sunday. My mum might so it for me and I could give her petrol money. O would just like to tell him I've got it sorted and don't need his help but at the same time I suppose that would be letting him off.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 17/05/2018 13:15

Alijane46
Where do you find the strength to leave a secure and comfortable home life. I haven’t been happy with him properly for years. This thread is so close to the bone for me it’s uncomfortable reading. Could just sit here and cry

I'm so sorry Alijane46.. I hope you find comfort in these posts that you're not alone.. you're not imagining it.. and you're definitely worth way more than what you're currently accepting... I hope you find a solution soon lovely Flowers

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2018 13:20

Not only letting him off, but putting others and yourself (petrol money) out. Just so he can do as he pleases. As usual.

sonjadog · 17/05/2018 13:21

If you let him off and don’t break up with him, then you can expect more of the same. You have shown him that it is okay for him to treat you without consideration.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2018 13:22

It's as though he is more important than you, and your sister, and your mother. That is what you must believe, to be thinking like this. Either that, or you know you're equal, but you'll pretend you're inferior to avoid a strop.

FinallyHere · 17/05/2018 13:23

I should just tell him to fuck off and I don't want anything else from him again.

^ this

and tell him to not bother coming back. All the best , your life is just going to get better and better

BitOutOfPractice · 17/05/2018 13:28

I'd fucking cycle there myself if I had to. I'd certainly rather die of exhaustion than let this horrible man get one over on me.

OP I thought you'd told him it was over. What happened?

Now he's gas lighting you about the sulking

Original poster
User010101 · 17/05/2018 13:31

I did tell him it's over and he could move out but he just ignored it. He then went and hung the washing out and made me a cup of tea like nothing had happened. He also sat next to me and was hugging me, holding my hand etc. More fool me, I suppose.

OP posts: