How should I deal with his sulking?

[User010101]

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

*sending...bloody cat sabotaging my post.

OP does this guy look like Bradley Cooper? Because you aren’t selling him to me very well otherwise! What other possible reason could you have for being with him when he treats you like this?

it sounds to me like he really doesn't want to be in this relationship... but can't be arsed ending it.. because all of HIS needs are being catered too.... so he gives minimum effort because he knows OP won't ever end it

Christ @Gemini69 , you have just described my husband to a tea! I’ve had this issue with him all this week, I’m invisible, minimum effort or conversation, pretty much do everything whilst he does exactly what he wants, watching TV lying on the sofa, mostly. I cook, clean, pick up dc, sort out everything plus work in a demanding job. It makes for hard reading seeing your comment.

Where do you find the strength to leave a secure and comfortable home life. I haven’t been happy with him properly for years. This thread is so close to the bone for me it’s uncimfortable reading. Could just sit here and cry 😢

Secure and comfortable ali? Your idea of comfortable is clearly wildly different to mine. I'd be permanently livid. I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

You want to be loved and cherished; to hear that you matter and that what you want matters.

It's not going to come from him.

He's treated you like shit and now, now, tonight, you've just written DOORMAT over your forehead. Sorry, it's harsh, but it's true.

Find your backbone, lady, you are worth genuine love, not being used like this. Because that's what's going on, you;''re being used. Don't let your wistfulness cover your eyes with a mist and sink further into low grade misery.

He's negging you. He's keeping you down by playing on your insecurities.

Borrowing your car was a stroke of genius on his part. Not only does it mean he's farmed another boring job out to you (getting petrol) but he also gets to find out how serious you are about standing up to him. Unfortunately the answer is 'not very' right now.

Seriously. You sort of half arsedly dumped him and he's just ignored you, abandoned you for his hobby, nicked your car and left you walking home so he can drive. Those are not the actions of a man who is sorry. Those are not the actions of a man who gives a flying fuck about you or your feelings.

Do you find him attractive? If so, how?

I'm sorry lovely, but you're a mug after your last updates.

Do what you always do, get what you always get. You really are walking into a nightmare with your eyes wide open. Good luck because you'll really need it.

Dump dump dump. There is NOTHING more unattractive than a grown man sulking.

Just read all of this-OP he sounds like a right miserable git-manipulativen selfish and intent on sucking any joy out of you. You said he 'flounced off" sounds like a princess! He doesn't sound much of a catch tbh-I'd chuck him back in if I were you. Can't he go to stay with his mother. From what u have said he will drag out trying to find somewhere to live do think you have to be brave and not feel responsible for him once u have given him the heave ho. Remember also-just because someone says something about you doesn't make it true! I said this to someone once so it gave it back to them and they then owned it not me.

Unless you feel borrowed your car so you wouldn't be able to transport his stuff and sump.it outside of his Mother's house etc. Or maybe he has taken his OW out .

You need to think carefully about what you want.

The domestic disagreements are something you could both settle - if you really want to and you are both willing to sit down and discuss it. He is being selfish at the moment and needs to have this explained. (His training = hobby to you. To him it counts against housework) His choice of protest is a childish one - and odd in a grown-up relationship.

I'm not sure about the rest though. He talks to you as if you are second best. (Good enough personality - not good enough looks?)

What (on earth) did you find attractive about him? I'm assuming looks rather than personality? You seem to have got second best too.

For the long term don't you both want to be someone's 'first best'?

Don't you think you are more worthy of respect and partnership than this op?

Your posts are hard to read. What do you need to have in place that will make it possible for you to find your dignity? Talk to us. Maybe we can help.

Sulking is silly and unkind. The cheek of it, acting like that then fully expecting to remain in your space. I had a very silly ex years ago, the stroppy sulking was such a passion killer and bore for me it torpedoed our relationship. & the idiot had the cheek to be surprised I chose to end it. Right in the middle of one of his sulking periods.

Aren't you bored of it all OP? I can't imagine what's to love, really. You're just there to facilitate his lifestyle, including his hobby. & rather than telling this bore to piss off, you're dithering. Even if you don't want to tell him to go - and that's fine, you know him, nobody here does so you may feel there's a way to get through to him (doubtful) - at least make him fully aware that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you won't be treated like that.

He sulks whenever he wants to after all, he's not worried what you think about his timing

Sounds like all he needs to do is say 'I love you really' give you a bunch of flowers and a kiss and you'd willingly fall back into line.

He's got you well trained and your self esteem is so low that any crumb of affection or attention will suffice.

OP

It so easy for us to LTB when we are not in the middle of it.

My suggestion would be to ask him to leave for a while so you can have some space away from his multiplication which his sulking, flip floppy behaviour is, to keep you off footed and not really knowing whats happening. The only way you will is to have a clear space to think.

Alijane46

Where do you find the strength to leave a secure and comfortable home life. I'd rather be in a less secure and comfortable then being a slave to someone who doesn't care about anyone then them self.

One thing I really dislike about MN is how posters seem to get very impatient with the op when she doesn't immediately get on board with what they've suggested - sympathy for a poster's plight with an abusive bf very quickly turns into 'You are so pathetic and needy, get some spirit FFS'. It's unkind.

OP, I agree with the advice in general but please look after yourself. It sounds like you're struggling so please don't worry about placating us too - emotionally distancing yourself from that asshat should be the priority. Good luck

He makes me angry and I’ve never even met him. How on Earth you live with this man is shocking.
Stay strong, break ups are rubbish and you might feel like it’s easier to stay with him but trust me, when he’s gone, you will feel so much better.
He just sounds like a massive controlling twat.
If it helps, write down everything that is making you unhappy. Seeing it in front will help.

User

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you about relationships?. Was their own relationship similar as to how yours is now?. Are you codependent in relationships?.

You're now 36. You probably feel very conflicted inside; you perhaps still love this man on some level, you fear him, you perhaps do not want to be on your own. All sorts of reasons keep you with someone like him but infact none are good enough to stay. He knows that you do not value your own self at all and takes full advantage of that state hence his use of your car, citing just one example. He has you and other women around him well trained to simply serve him and put their own needs dead last.

This person really targeted you by sensing your inherent low self worth and esteem (and the poster who previously mentioned family dynamics here is right) and honing right in on it to the low point you are at now. All his actions now are deliberate and designed to keep you in the hole he has dug for you. Staying with him at all now will simply drag you down lower.

He won't leave you readily or go quietly and without fuss because he has it made with you. You accept the crumbs he offers. He won't also want to give up you facilitating his life because he will then have to put in more time and effort to attract another stupid woman to do that for him (that is what he really thinks of you, men like this hate women and all of them).

you're right, lacontessa.

sorry, OP. I hope you do find a solution to this.

He sounds really unpleasant. I really feel for you. I think you need to build up strength and courage and start by asking him to sleep downstairs tonight, reclaim your bedroom and your sleep. Then distance yourself. Practise telling him ‘no’ - you can’t borrow my car, I don’t want to go to your aunts but I want you to go, I am not going shopping. Then tell him to leave. He’s treating you very unkindly and seems an entirely selfish person.

@LaContessaDiPlump

Understand what you're saying. OP does need support and not pressure.

But

Having no children with this man, not owning the property and being 36, this is her time to make decisions that will shape the rest of her life..

Delaying and staying at age 36 could quickly lead to children, mortgage, and inevitably more abuse and make leaving so much harder.

The phoning in sick to work is another major red flag.

I don't think time is on your side OP

OP he's already got you in control. Time you took it back lovely.

OP no wonder your self esteem is still low.
This man is laughing at you and using you and you think you don't deserve any better than this.

Whilst you stay with him your self esteem will continue to fall. What a waste of your precious life.

You need him out of your life. If you feel unable to make this decision then please get yourself a good therapist ASAP to help you work things through (not a couples therapist). This will help you to rebuild self esteem.

Go home, pack his stuff. Tell him it is over and that there is no further discussion. And refuse to talk to him about it.