How should I deal with his sulking?

[User010101]

The has happened quite a few times before and normally I confront him or try to coax him out of it. This time I've had enough and can't deal with this childish behaviour any longer.

Today, I messaged him at work and we agreed to meet for lunch. I normally go at 1pm but agreed to wait for him until 1:15pm as he said he was busy. Fair enough, except he didn't contact me until after 1:30pm and when we met up he was grumpy and said that he only had time to grab a sandwich and head straight back to work. I was annoyed and was under the impression that going for lunch meant actually going somewhere to eat together. Still, I said nothing...

When we were in the queue for his sandwich I asked him about dinner tonight (he said 3 days ago he would go grocery shopping, but didn't) and he said he didn't know as was out from 6pm. I said I would be happy enough with an omelette and even though I had plans myself tonight,, saidould pick eggs etc up from the shop. He said he didn't fancy that for dinner and I said that he would need to go to the shop himself as he had originally said he would shop for the both of us on Saturday. This was met with silence and when I asked him if he was now huffing with me he swore at me, said I needed to stop nagging him and stormed off.

I thought that would be the end of it as it really wasn't that big of a deal. However, he has just come home and is still not speaking to me. I am going about my business and am in the living room watching TV. He went out to the shop there and took ages presumably in an attempt to make me think he had left me. He came home with whatever he had bought, made it for himself together with a cup of tea. He then came into the living room, picked up his laptop and took it into the kitchen (he normally goes on it in the living room).

I'm at my wit's end. How on earth do I deal with this? It feels surreal and almost like a joke. How on earth can he be sulking? I did all the housework at on Sunday while he went off for a 5 1/2 hour cycle (which apparently left him too exhausted to move) but now I'm supposed to feel guilty!! Would appreciate any thoughts as very annoyed.

Sorry just saw your update. Honestly if he isn't happy send him on his merry way

Sorry, he sounds absolutely awful.

How on earth do I deal with this?

By finding out what made you agree to be a doormat to a man. And put up with it. Most people would be out the door way before.

Time on your own without him being in your headspace constantly - it's up to you this.

Inner reflection, and a soundboard to give you an objective view. (some counsellors are good).

Family dynamics are always at the bottom of this. And is usually historical.

You sound lovely by the way.

Why the hell are you putting up with his disgraceful disrespect of you?

You deserve so much better.

this is so horrible... I'm so mad for you OP

OP: please get yourself to captainawkward.com ; I have a selection of links below, but you sound like you need to learn the fine art of BOUNDARIES and SAYING NO and BREAKING UP. Not all of these are relevant to your exact situation, but the theme is the same (as are the comments):

captainawkward.com/2016/08/23/893-i-want-to-leave-my-husband-but-i-cant-seem-to-make-myself-go-also-its-pledge-drive-week/#more-16510

captainawkward.com/2017/10/07/1029-i-know-this-relationship-is-over-why-cant-i-let-go/

captainawkward.com/2017/11/21/1053-i-might-be-dating-a-man-child-how-do-i-talk-to-him-about-it/

captainawkward.com/2017/09/07/1020-is-this-relationship-doomed-or-do-i-just-need-to-put-in-more-work/

captainawkward.com/2017/09/12/dear-dana-after-you-break-up-with-someone-how-do-you-move-on/

It is becoming clear to me.... he thinks when he can see you, in the flesh you do as your told and let him have his own way in everything he is even using your petrol........ as he can't be bothered to go to the garage...
You need to face up to him, don't be alone with him.... tell him to pack and go... why should he change when he can get away with anything.... get a room mate too help pay the bills... good luck

Where is the romance... the need to ensure your ok. Your relationship is importants to him....

Please for the love of God fuck him right off today! Were you serious you said about calling it a day? He knows exactly how to play you. It went from calling it a day to yes here take my car!

I hope you find the strength to kick his sulky talk to the hand arse out!

Why did you say yes to the car? Are you retreating to submissive mode to avoid confrontation?

Obviously you and he are going to break up. You know that. In six months time when you look back on the next few days what do you want future you to be thinking? How about God, I'm so glad I did that. It was a turning point where I found my mojo and felt like a strong capable independent woman again. What could you do now that would make future you proud?

Me, I'd be getting a taxi home with my sister to pack his bags and load them into his car.

Im honestly completely baffled why you are staying and putting up with this when you arent married, have no children and dont own property together. The only person this man loves is himself even his poor daughter doesnt come before him and his hobbies. Id be kicking him out faster than you can say usain bolt!

Why do you keep putting yourself last?

Wtf are you now going to have to walk home? Why did you reward his behavior by giving him your car?
Why doesn't he pay proportionally more of the bills in your home based on his income so that you are on equal terms and share your lifestyle? Why do you wait on him hand and foot and then accept verbal abuse? Why do you wait around for a man to begrudgingly meet you for a limp sandwich?

Why do you think it is ok to be with a man who palmed his parenting responsibilities off on to his mother because he has a better offer. Do you know what damage that will cause his child in the long term?

Why on earth are you with someone who goes out every night of the week to do his hobby - how the hell are your needs being met?

Only you can answer these questions. I really think you should value yourself more highly.

Oh. My. Word. I was married to a hobby bore controlling shitehawk like this. Get. Fucking. Rid. ASAP. He is a dull and energy sapping life partner. Tell him to jog on. You deserve so much more!

oh god, OP, would you for the love of god dump his sorry ass. What on earth does he bring that you put up with this shit? Do the freedom programme or spend some money on a counsellor to discuss your own self-esteem issues but don't ruin your life with this tedious bore.

Sulkers don't stop. I come from a family where sulking is an art form. You describe a classic sulk.

They do something wrong.
You call them on it.
They sulk with you because you upset them.

You are expected to apologise because they were upset. The sulker prioritises there own needs and hurt above anything else. Sulkers will ruin special days, holidays, anything important because the sulk is the most important thing.

LTB - first time I've written that. He won't change. The misery of living with 'the sulk' is awful, people think because there is no shouting it's not abuse but it absolutely is emotional abuse.

He doesn't really have much going for him, does he?

I'm guessing his hobby is triathlon or similar?
My husband is too. (Ironman). Selfish, selfish sport. All consuming at the expense of his family.
You need to get rid of him.

He absolutely meant it when he criticised your looks at the weekend. I bet he loved the fact you were upset about it. He's a nasty piece of shit who most certainly doesn't love you. I imagine your sense of self esteem would come back if he was out of the picture.

I ended a 3year relationship by text once. My ex was a sad silly little manchild too.

Please kick him out OP; he is such a nasty wanker, you know he is.

I do feel for you OP. You are a caring person I imagine. Worried about h8s living arrangements and wondering if he really does love you and you are being daft? Worried you won't be able to stand the emotional pain when he has gone?

You can mope around eating your favourite food, watch your favourite films to cry at.

Post here. We sound harsh and uncaring about what you are about to go through but we know it's for the best.

Get a good therapist ASAP. You deserve to feel OK about you and feel you are enough and find out why you behave as you do when it only hurts you x

He's a rubbish father and a rubbish boyfriend.

How do you see things improving op!

Ooh.....I started reading this thread thinking “well, I’ve got a sulker too, I bet he’s like my DH.”

The more I read the more I realised that my DH’s sulking is learned behaviour from his dad, and that neither of them can deal with confrontations. They can’t discuss differences and just shut down. But it’s not done in a controlling way. I am not the type to Try and “talk him round” and pussyfoot around him and neither is his mum with his dad. I just avoid DH when he sulks and carry on with my life , ignoring his moodiness and doing the usual stuff with the kids, going out and about. Usually after a couple of days he snaps out of it. Probably The worst thing is that he doesn’t ever apologise for being a grumpy arse for a day or two. I wonder if he realises he’s been like that but doesn’t know how to apologise?

Anyway, my point is....my DH and your OH are NOTHING like each other. DH puts me and the kids before everything. Doesn’t spend hours wanting me time. Will go for a run or a bike ride around us and when is convenient for us. Is very generous with money, we have a joint account and he pays all the bills as earns more than me. Has been a hands on Dad since day one. Did all the nappy changing and bathing for days with DS2 when he was born and I was in pain when I moved about. Does his very best to get to all school events. Does all the overtime he can for the family pot, but turns it down to attend family events etc Does most of the cooking, and food shops at weekends, doesn’t even go out with his mates often as prefers to spend his free time with us.

He is a good ‘un. We have been together 20 years and his very occasional sulks (and usually when he’s tired and had a shit week at work) are definitely not worth throwing my relationship with him away.

Your OH’s sulks are in a totally different league, however. He’s a manipulative sod. Combined with his other selfish behaviour re: unwillingness to spend time with his DD, and his horrible personal comments, not to mention childish “talk to the hand” text and unwillingness to pull his weight with household chores or pay his fair share of bills......well....words fail me.

What a catch. Not.

Find your anger, OP.

Forget about ‘the right decision’ for the time being. Just give yourself the priceless gift of confidence, insight and self esteem that can come from therapy. The relationship you need to work on is the one with yourself.

In the meantime if you can’t tell this loser to ‘jog on’, then tell him to just ‘talk to the hand’ while you get on the BACP website and find yourself a rock solid, no nonsense psychotherapist.

He’s pathetic.

If you want a life of misery, by all means stay with him and drag this out. It will be your choice.

Do you want a mean, pathetic fool to have such an enormous influence on years and years of your life? Your choice.

He’s a shit father and a selfish prick.

If you stay any longer then it is your choice to abuse yourself via him. Or you can be strong and end it - no good will come from staying.

This thread has reminded me of my prick ex. Sulking is horrendous and a form of control. This has brought back so many shit memories and I now feel so very angry and bitter.

Mainly with myself for not walking away the very first time, but staying for a couple of years of pure hell. I’m my case sulking was the tip of the ice burg, things got a hell of a lot worse. Honestly you do not know where it will stop. Please listen to all these wise women op. (I did eventually, when I came here seeking advice and it was the best thing I did)

Don’t end up bitter and angry like me op, get out now, while it’s reletively easy. I don’t say that lightly. I hope you listen, and act, good luck.

Oh he told you he went for personality not looks with you did he? You should have kicked him to the kerb right then. There is never a valid reason to say that. Never. Only mean manipulative reasons.

He was telling you that he is out of your league, you are lucky to have his studliness and if you are dumb enough to dump him you'll never have anyone so hawt again. Dick. You can do better. Even if you are 20 stone and covered in scabby warts like he implied.

Money and for all the others who know the damage being with a sulker can do.

OP, it's not easy, leaving someone takes enormous courage and strength. But I agree with others: get out now whilst It's relatively easy.

Seeing you too.