NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@baby listen to them. There are only ever 2 people entirely on your side without an agenda (if you are lucky & it sounds like you are).

[LiteraryDevil]

Baby stay strong now!

I've had NC on my mind a fair bit thinking of all the good things about him and all the thoughtful things he did and am having a hard timing reconciling all that with the abu dive side of him. For all I'm certain he didn't think he was being abusive with certain things, there's no excuse for his attitude to my mum, my son, and my finances and taste in various things. They were really hurtful. I can smile fondly at all the nice stuff without feeling upset, they are just bittersweet memories now like those of any ex. But I'm struggling to with the shitty side of him as not sure how both dudes can exist in the same person. Sure we can all be a bitch or bastard sometimes but he was consistently a bastard about those subjects. It's hard to explain and I'm tired but hope you see what I mean.
In other news OLD guy and I have got our date venue sorted for Saturday, I've got a babysitter and am going for cropped jeans, new very dark navy Fat Face top/blouse thing and just need to figure what's going on my feet. I live in rugged walking sandals in the summer, rain or shine, and don't have any nice going out shoes that I'd be comfortable in for a first date. We've been chatting a fair bit tonight by text and both seem on the same page about our approach to dating/relationships which is good.

[Wanthimomuch]

I messaged him this evening, as expected he hasn’t gone online and it’s been ignored/unopened. Usually he picks messages up very quickly and replies. It’s gone through with two ticks so I’m not blocked. It would flash up in his notifications even without going into his messages so I’ve definitely been blanked by him.

He pushed like mad to meet up before his holiday. Sex was cold and unfeeling for the first time ever, I felt like a body rather than me. I’m starting to wonder if he pre planned this with his holiday as a way of ending contact. He’s had time to get used to the idea and time away with distractions so he doesn’t miss the chats and ego boost I gave him as much. I suspect things have hotted up with the woman he’s liked for a while now. I’m disappointed as I thought even if we weren’t in a relationship, we had built what I thought was turning into a secure and genuine friendship. I feel a fool. And I bloody miss him like hell.

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@want hopefully that’s your answer. Don’t message him again

[Babyblue32]

@LiteraryDevil - I get what you mean.
I find that hard most days like how has he gone from this person... I really liked and fell for. To a console he arsehole.

Glad about date. How about a nice pair of loafers or boat shoes? That'll look nice with cropped jeans and blouse :) xx

@Iwouldmarrythebeast @meowimacat
Time to get the focus back now girls. Day 1.


I feel tired this morning (early night had too) but I feel alright: haven't cried since Sunday. Which is saying something as I messaged yesterday.
I think I'll be alright with it this time around
I know he really won't show
And I know now he really just is a head Fuck x

Hope you're all ok

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@babyblue yay!! Back on track!

[Wanthimomuch]

Baby, did you find sending that final text saying how much he’d hurt you helped? I feel like I’ll go mad if I don’t say my piece and get it off my chest.

[meowimacat]

Well it’s his birthday today and I have ZERO desire right now to message him. Not sure how I’ll feel later but right now I don’t give a crap. He deserves nothing from me. I told him he treated me badly in my final message I sent 3 weeks ago today and did he respond saying sorry? Has he tried to make it up to me for hurting me? No. His actions have shown he is exactly the scumbag I gladly walked away from - back on Tinder preying on his next victim.

Not sure I’ll go on my date tonight. The guy didn’t message me all yesterday afternoon/evening. We have no set date/time planned and it means sorting childcare - oh but he had time to follow porn stars on instagram last night - gross. The only reason I would go is to keep myself busy. I have a date Saturday with someone else I’m looking forward to meeting

[meowimacat]

Also I saw this on Instagram and whilst the cartoon sort of creeps me out it’s very true!

[Babyblue32]

@meowimacat focus on saturdays date then, sounds like the one you'd much prefer. :)
Well done for not messaging him today - focus don't think about doing it later.

@Wanthimomuch no. In all honesty. I've always been the girl - that when she gets fucked over or a guy is being a dick I'd message and be like this ain't going anywhere. Let's leave it.
My final messages (there have been many, but none that have felt more real to me than he last two I sent) don't help. I get all out. He doesn't care, explaining why I'm upset, why I need him, how I want him around for his child - got me nothing. I'm like you, I want m answers,explanations about why he's treated me this way.... I haven't ever got them and never will.
I feel better knowing I can't do anymore and that my energy is needed elsewhere.
Take it from me, and the other girls I'm sure. Don't message again. Start with the process and you'll be better.

@Iwouldmarrythebeast yes! I hope send the focus my way!!

[meowimacat]

I wrote a massive essay to send to NC and I spent two days writing it! It explained everything he had done to hurt me. He then finally after a week messaged to ask why I had blocked him and instead of sending the essay that I had been working on for DAYS I wrote him a response that very briefly said you’ve hurt me so much and I’ve had enough. To be honest what would sending the essay have done? Changed him for me? Changed his way of acting with the next girl? It wasn’t worth it. It was therapeutic to write out how much he had hurt me but do you know I am relieved I never sent it I did tell him I’d written an essay but I also told him I wasn’t going to send it to him because it was pointless - these guys will not change.

Will it make you feel better to tell him your hurt? Maybe. He should know he’s hurt you. But if you’re hoping he’ll care be prepared for a sad awakening x

[LiteraryDevil]

Meow you're doing great, don't back down now.

Baby we'll done on the fresh start of NC,

I'm feeling a bit argh about dating again. Feel so stupid not knowing how often to contact and feeling like there's now loads of rules around dating. He takes a long time to reply to texts although last night we were chatting well. Not sure he's that interested.

[Babyblue32]

@meowimcat - I do this. I type a big old million page text, get upset and feel everything flow out, then I sent, and I get nothing. So I stopped that.

@Literaydevil - thanks bab! Doing ok so far, haven't put number back - haven't felt the urge to check his last online. Keep telling myself - you arnt the one that's got to try anymore. Hes taken what ive said as me being silent? fuckwit.

Also the dating thing - if he leaves it for hours and hours on end... then yeah that's a bit off. But he might be thinking the same about when to reply and when not to?
why you thinking hes not that interested? Bring it up in light convo? Be like so you looking forward to meeting?
I cant really help for dates, ive been on some terrible ones in my time, and once I really didn't want to go... I only went for the food. ( That's terrible ) but the food was sooo nice.

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@literary - I wouldn’t over analyse until you’ve met him! Then you can send over analyse to your hearts content

[LiteraryDevil]

He's not been online with the dating app since the weekend so that's a positive. I've text to say looking forward to meeting him so will see what he replies. He might not have his phone on much at work. Have said it's fine to phone me if he likes so he will if he wants to. Saturday seems ages away now. I did suggest swapping to another night if easier as he's got his kids until eRly evening but he said it was fine and was up for meeting. Going to a pretty romantic place with great views for drinks. I've only ever had 3 first dates so feel quite shy and nervous.

Keep it up with the NC!!

[Pixikitten0123]

Why have I found today so hard? I’m not tempted to make contact but why is it so god dam hard 🤷‍♀️

[Babyblue32]

@literarydevil
Ok so that's a good sign!
Nerves are good too!!
I really cant wait for Saturday for you

@pixkitten0123
I found/find - when I don't feel the urge to message or need him... it makes me uneasy.
I feel like I cant manage
bizarre
then im ok

[Dimael]

@Babyblue hope you are doing better now? No more messaging?

@Literarydevil you have to remember that you haven’t met yet so maybe his texting is normal for this stage, a little cautious perhaps? After the first date, when you get more involved see if it improves then.

@Meow are you going on that date tonight?

I cancelled my date! And I am so so happy! Think the stress of it was sending my mood down. He has asked when I am next free and I just told him my circumstances have changed. He can think I am back with my NC for all I care. I would rather my NC than him and us girls know that’s saying something.

[Babyblue32]

@Dimael no more, haven't sent anything in Over 24 Hrs. :)
Had an urge this evening, but that's because I didn't clear my fb search history and he changed his profile pic. But I'm ok!!

Yay for you in cancelling date!! So glad you feel better!!

Fuck men, let's all just have a massive wine and gin date together 😂😂😂

[LiteraryDevil]

Who was it who had a coffee date on Monday?

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

That was me! Nice guy, liked him but not heard from him since

[LiteraryDevil]

I would hmm that's a bit shit.

[LiteraryDevil]

I'm not cut out for this dating lark. I text him 7 hours ago saying I was looking forward to meeting him. No reply. He's now online on the dating app so my instinct is to say fuck you. If he's a treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen type then that won't work with me. Show interest or I lose interest. It's just rude not to reply to messages. He's says he's had a lot of dates. I'm wondering why none have turned into anything. He's got one more chance to make a good impression. My profile clearly states that I view good communication as vital. He's showing that he's not a good communicator. If he doesn't reply tonight then I'll cancel the date. I'm not standing for any nonsense.

[Dimael]

@Babyblue good girl!!! 👏🏻 Yes definitely all the gin and wine going oh and fries before guys from now on!!!

@Literarydevil yes stick to your gut instincts, don’t ignore any red flags this time around.

@Meow it’s early and he might not want to seem keen. There is a 3 day rule apparently?!

[LiteraryDevil]

I really wish people didn't apply these arbitrary rules to love. Winds me up something rotten. Why can't people just say they like you and would like to see you again or if they didn't experience any sparks then thank you for the date and tell you then move on?? Surely it's not that difficult especially in this age of texts rather than face to face.

I know we've not met yet but I'm finding I'm not bothered about meeting him as he's doing nothing to attract me to him. I'm not giving up my Saturday night of wine and solitude for someone who's making hardly any effort at the very start. He might have a few dates on the go but even so, the communication has to be there to get my interest. And it's just not.