NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@ Literary- tricky, you need to build the attraction before the date and for you that is all about communicating.

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

In terms of not hearing anything, it’s ok, it was nice to find someone I find attractive

[LiteraryDevil]

I would yeah it's not feeling exciting anymore. As you all know very well, it's awful wondering why they haven't text or replied or whatever especially when you know they are sat there on their phones! I do t want that feeling in my life. I got rid of it by going NC with my ex and it felt great not wondering why all the time. Then someone comes along and gives you hope again only to give you the same feelings. And all before the first bloody date!

[Dimael]

@Literarydevil before I met my last NC I was OLD and I was at my wits end. Ghosting, breadcrumbing it was awful! I quit it and went on holiday with friends and met my NC. Obviously that didn’t work out but he spent time with me and wanted to know me more so messages and calls came easy. I got flowers and lovely messages. He really was great at the start. I find it easier to meet that way but it gets harder to meet people these days so I think in a few weeks I will go back on. Need my exams over first!

[LiteraryDevil]

Still nothing. I don't want love bombing but jeez there's a happy medium!

[LiteraryDevil]

Finally. Just chit chat, hoped I'd had a nice day. No mention of looking forward to meeting me. Maybe he's shy. Maybe he's just crap at communicating. Who knows and I'm not sure I care tbh.
It's been rather warm here today and I don't do well in hot weather when I have to push a heavy buggy and small child up bloody big hills. The flushed sweaty look is not my most attractive!!
How is everyone doing? It's a bit quiet today do hope you're all ok

[meowimacat]

Hey girls! Sorry I’ve not been about. I have been dreading today as it’s NC’s bday and as you all know all week or the last few weeks I have felt sick about this day coming. If I didn’t message him today it was sort of the final nail on the coffin that we were done, and I was so scared of that. But I woke up this morning and didn’t even want to message and I’m happy to say I haven’t!!!

He doesn’t deserve another message from me. Ever again! I deserve so much better and I see that now. I miss the person he was pretending to be not the loser he is.

The guy I was meant to go on a date with tonight never even contacted me!!! I am so relieved because I was going to cancel anyway. The funny thing is I knew in my gut he would do that. We’ve been speaking for a month on and off and he always disappears and comes back- to be honest I was never that interested I just wanted a date on NC’s bday but I realise I don’t even need that any more.

I’m speaking to a decent (I hope) guy from OLD who I am going on a date with saturday. He’s very attentive with messaging which is lovely. LiteraryDevil I will absolutely say to go with your gut. I hate bad communication especially before you’ve even met - that’s when it should be good in my opinion. Also I hate when they’re online loads and not contacting you - another red flag. But don’t put all your eggs in one basket with him, to be honest get others lined up in his place. Because if I’ve learned anything in OLD it’s how much people flake and don’t even say! I have had 3 or 4 dates booked in now and all of them faded me out. I’m a fairly attractive girl (not being big headed but I’m not hideous) and it’s just the way people can be in OLD.

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

@ Literardevil you can’t judge until you’ve met him. If he is still flaky afterwards, sack him off. But until then he is doing what we all do with OLD (probably)! Hope that’s not too harsh!

[LiteraryDevil]

Way to go meow! That's fab news. I hope he had a totally shite birthday.

He's chatting now and been busy all day. Doesn't explain being online earlier although he's been helping his kids with their homework all evening. I've no idea if the app automatically logs you out but don't think it does as remember my NC being with me in the room and not even on his phone and the green dot saying he's active would be next to his name. Maybe he's just a late evening chatter. I can cope with that as long as I know that's what's what.

[meowimacat]

I hope he had a shit birthday too. I imagine he worked and tonight spent it with his gross older woman friend and went for dinner or something. Or a tinder date. I couldn’t care less, he is dead to me now lol. I would say I’m 90% over him now. I will be on this thread but as a quote I read recently said ‘the more you talk about them the more you care’ so I don’t want to keep rabbiting on about him but I will drop by to give any advice and strength to you guys.

Honestly I never thought I’d go over a week without NC and I am just so glad I have. It gives so much clarity to a situation. What a horrible toxic man he was - he also had nice qualities he’s not a total tool, but he’s not good enough to be in my life that’s for damn sure.


Hmmm I disagree on not going with your gut in online dating before you meet someone. I totally go on my gut, I feel if something is off it’s just not worth the effort. Especially when arranging childcare etc for a date. But in this guys case as he is messaging now maybe give him a chance.

[Tictactic]

first time in a while I've woke in the night thinking about NC. I must take off the rose coloured specs and remember how he made me feel. Leading me on, lovebombing, future faking then ending it via text. Who does that? It's so unfair as I was falling/fell for him.
I feel angry now and have an urge to get revenge although I know if just look an idiot and wont do it and ultimately it would be a reflection on me. So I thought I'd write it here. When I met him he was separated, living separately over a year (definitely true) and told me separate bedrooms for 2 years prior to the separation. I know he and ex still friend in fb. I do wonder of the sudden ending of us is perhaps because they are back together (we're together 24ish years)
my revenge would be to tell her. It's just a thought in my angry mind. Of course they may not be back together but I feel deceived and cheated.
@Literary. That's why I'm not ready for OLD I'm not robust enough yet. Can't deal with any more dissapointment when it comes to men at the moment. You do sound like your over your NC now in time he'll be a distant memory.
#Dimeal. You're sounding much better again. In a way at least revision is forcing you to concentrate. How is work? All ok with regards to the few mistakes? you're contemplating dating so a good sign you're moving on. I'm no way ready and the split has triggered a bit of a depression so am waiting and continuing with counselling. I'm not applying for the job. Not in the right place, don't believe it's for me anyway and it's just the salary which is attractive.
@meow. Well done for not texting on his birthday. That's real strength there and you're valuing your self worth.

[Tictactic]

I haven't kept up with the thread so hope everyone else is doing ok and hello to new people to the thread.
@Dimeal. just saw you cancelled. Go you! you were really stressing over it and have done the right and fair thing for you both

[Babyblue32]

@LiteraryDevil
How you feeling about this guy? Like you really want to go on a date with him, or like you just want a date? When they don't talk much it's super annoying - but it's early days. If you have the date see how it goes.... it could all be different I suppose you have to see... but as the week goes on you'll get his vibe and decide I suppose.

@meowimacat ayyye well done 90% is good!
My % is low. Maybe like 50% I'm half over it, but half desperately wanting to keep going making myself look really stupid.

@Tictactic oh that's Shit, yeah I have urges to message girls I know he talks to and be like... he's going to be a dad in two months.. did knowZ
Rose coloured specs are the worst, specially when you don't even mean to start thinking about them


Hope everyone's ok.
Feel shitty this morning, I'm exhausted anyway so I think it's more tiredness and constant back pain that's getting me

[LiteraryDevil]

Baby I'm feeling a bit meh really. I'm not bothered about dating so not fussed but hate rudeness. He's said when he has his kids he barely draws breath so not reading too much into his lack of messaging. He was in meetings most of the day too. He was chatty enough last night once he did message. Didn't say he was looking forward to meeting though.
Hope everyone has a good day

[Iwouldmarrythebeast]

Had a bit of a ephiphany this morning, he didn’t have my back, he wasn’t always on my team. I want someone on my side. I could never make him be on my side so I need someone who is

[Babyblue32]

@literarydevil
Hmm. Its a tough one.
I get your frustration with rudeness, and the not replying... I'm very impatient when it comes to replies. I let it bother me. It very early days, see what happens after the date, if he dwindles more and talks less. Then back out. That's probably what id do, but also just see what happens this week, if he barley makes an effort - call it. You can't make all the effort.

@iwouldmarrythebeast
You'll find that someone, it just feels like ever finding it could take forever.

@Dimael - You had exam yet? (Baby brain ive just re read parts of thread too)

You're all going to hate me.
I messaged him regretted it.
So pissed off. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hes made it clear. MOVE ON MOVE ON MOVE ON.

im prolonging it.
anyway.
I will do it. I know i can so this is the last time now.
He wants to talk - he has the information
meh

[LiteraryDevil]

Iwould all my family and my stbexh were like that.

My friends have talked me into chilling out and seeing what happens when we meet. They've said he might be shy, might not use his phone whilst at work (her husband doesn't) and might have shown too keen previously and been called needy. So I'll see. I'll let him chase.

[expatkathleen]

Hi, I'm new but I was reading your thread as I'm struggling with my own NC, and on your recommendation went on to baggagereclaim.co.uk, it is brilliant, I identified with it so much, thank you! My NC is a total assclown it turns out, never knew that word before, if I hadn't just deleted his number from my phone I would have changed his name to Assclown! :)

I may come back later to ask you all some advice actually but for now just wanted to say hi and thanks and that it's great you are all supporting each other like this!

[LiteraryDevil]

Baby you are your own worst enemy right now! We are going to have to confiscate your phone x

[Babyblue32]

@literarydevil

I think I might have too.
Wake up, leave phone downstairs at night.
Leave it at home during the day, im finding it a little harder this time around than I was first time
But I want to do it.
I want to be happy meh
I need to enjoy the last two months of this pregnancy now

[Wanthimomuch]

Can you hide my phone too please? I’m struggling with it all today especially the silence. I know he’s picked someone else, he’d have replied otherwise and kept our friendship/sexual relationship going. I thought I was worth more than him just disappearing in me again. He knows how much that hurt me last time. I’m jealous as hell at the thought of him putting proper effort into someone else and offering her commitment.

[Wanthimomuch]

It’s deliberate, he has read my messages but changed settings so they appear unread.

[expatkathleen]

@wanthimomuch - he won't be offering her real commitment. It might seem that way, but in the end whoever she is will end up getting the same shitty deal - don't envy her!

I had major issues with this regarding a previous NC i thought was the love of my life, things fell apart with us partly because he supposedly did not want another child nor did he want to move away from his two from a previous relationship which he thought would happen with me (we live abroad). Six months later and with the girl he cheated with me on and left me for (announced in an email) he's moved away, then married her, then had a baby. Killed me (and probably started or definitely embedded this whole pattern of mine).

Then I heard from mutual friends he's up to his same womanising ways as usual. And the poor woman has a child with him... I'm the lucky one it turns out!

I would quite like some advice if anyone has some thoughts regarding my current NC. I'm doing quite well cos the fact that I've been in three consecutive horrible relationships with emotionally unavailable/abusive people has given me a bit of a wake up call about how I need to change my cycles.

BUT I still do miss him (or at least the person he was pretending to be) and I still have the feeling I want to make him understand the error of his ways, even though I know this is pointless. And he's done something a bit clever (I realise now) to retain a bit of contact - when I told him he needed to stop contacting me if he couldn't step up, he agreed, but I have lots of his clothes at my house (despite us never being "together" as he frequently made clear) and when I said I would post them to him he said no, the post will lose them, and that he would pop round to mine to get them (of course he hasn't said when, no doubt a last minute time of his choosing like it always has been).

This is a bit ridiculous I've since thought, the post is fine where we are, and it's definitely a ploy to retain some kind of contact or possibility of contact with me. I also think he will definitely if he sees me try to do something to hook me in again, or potentially even lash out and be nasty (he has said some horrid things to me before). I don't really want to see him and it's really stressing me out, although obviously there is a little part of me that does want to see him.

Should I just tell him I've posted them? Or, I'm away next week and there is somewhere in my porch area I could leave them and send him a photo saying where they are. But I also don't want him in a way to think that I'm that angry or bothered...

Any thoughts? Def spending too much time thinking about this question, I know I shouldn't even really care how he sees it but... Thanks a lot and 💐 to all of you!

[Babyblue32]

Alright, I'm venting. long vent alert - no pressure guys sorry
I'm stressed. I'm worried about it all.
I cannot believe I have become a person that has let this man affect me in the way he has. Yes am pregnant, and yes I want and I still feel willing to do everything I can to make him see.
I feel fine, then all of a sudden its anger and frustration that comes washing over, like red mist. I physically don't know where else to put the rage - expect in a stupid message to him. I hate this power he has, and I'm trying and trying to not let him have that power over me.
The message I sent the other day - two blue ticks. Its rage. Pure rage and hate, I can feel it seeping out of me...
I want to not be my worst enemy, but I cant seem or don't seem able to help myself.
I really don't want to slip back to the stressed out, overly emotional person I was 1-2 months ago.

I've come such a long way.

I know I personally felt that I had to break the NC to see if anything had changed, I think I knew deep down that I was never going to get the reaction and answers I deserve.
He's 33 for Christ sake.
I just let it eat me, like that 4 weeks of me not saying anything. I managed, I had bad days but I did it.
I just don't understand, how a person can be this way. Can ghost someone? And do it so blatantly - its because I keep saying I wont do anything and I then I keep doing it. So to him - I guess its 'well shes still there trying to contact me' 'I can keep telling her the lies and she'll believe them'.

And honestly - its because I know in 2-4 weeks time, instead of being 2.5hrs away, he'll be at a new barracks which is 45mins away.
I know this makes no difference to our situation, but he'll be so close. My friends (single) might see him on Tinder...he could be passing my house from time to time, he could be out in my town on nights out. I do not want him anywhere near me. This is honestly one of the main reasons for me being so angry and irate. My friends and family said straightaway, they've noticed as the time period gets shorter, I'm fretting more. How silly of me is it that I've let it affect me.

I feel like to him I'm portraying myself as desperate to be loved. I'm not, everyone wants to be loved yes... but I'm desperate for him to be a permanent fixture in my child's life. Its like I cant see myself really doing it without him, until this baby is here and I do it.

I know everyone here and in my life have told me I'll be better off, and that my child will be loved - and I agree. It's just getting to that stage, I feel like I'll break. But then I think no 'you wont break - you're strong you've managed 6months of pregnancy without him and you managed a month NC'
I don't want to hate him - he's the father to my child. There will always be something there. I just don't want to feel as passionately as I do about it all. Because he doesn't deserve me.
I want to be able to talk like an adult to a man that has helped me create life.


I am so sorry, I feel like you'll read this and be like PULL IT TOGETHER
I've been through this stage, I don't want to be here again.
I feel like I shouldn't feel this way, and I feel bad for not being over it.

rant complete

[LiteraryDevil]

Baby one way or another you need to move on from him but need help to do so. It's harder because of the hormones. Do you think you might have ante-natal depression? I did with all 3 and was bloody awful. I really think you have very much got to pull yourself up by your boot straps and block and delete otherwise the temptation is there. If his number is written down then give that to your mum so you can at least contact him when the baby is born. My son's sperm donor was similar but I was shagging my neighbour do that helped Write a list of all his bad points and return to it every time you feel that urge. You are truly wasting your time and going to make yourself ill. He doesn't give a shit and has proved that over and over again so all you are doing is driving yourself crazy and looking very much the crazy ex. That's harsh I know but I'm not sure what it's going to take to make you stop. You have got to stop otherwise he's got cause for accusing of harassment. You have to leave him alone. For your own sanity and his. He will block you if you keep this up. You know you can stop contacting him because you've done it before. You need to tell yourself he no longer exists in your life. Because he doesn't. He has no part in it now and never will do. With all the will in the world you can't turn him into a decent human being. Let him go and you will find peace