NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

[Dinky123]

@babyblue32 shall we start a new thread?

Im on day 6 of NC and fancy a chat too x

[babyblue32]

I miss this thread! Could use the chat right now!

[babyblue32]

@pineappleeyes

How's it going??

Thank you, yes we're both good. Getting used to the change of lifestyle and lack of sleep haha but he's worth it 💙

[pineappleeyes]

babyblue just seen you now have your precious boy. Congratulations. I hope you are both well and happy. X

[pineappleeyes]

Hi babyblue
Lovely to hear from you.
Im good. How are you doing? Hope you are well

Yes NC is trying to worm back in. Its gard to say no. Im much stronger now so ill see how it pans out.

Xx

[babyblue32]

@pineappleeyes

How you doing?! I can across this by chance!! I haven't looked at this thread for a while.

Hmmm be careful, don't let the small talk spiral and if he hasn't spoken since the Saturday, steer clear.

He just wants to know your business and creep back in as he maybe has nothing to do - sorry that sounds harsh... but it's usually the case!

Hope you're ok xx

[pineappleeyes]

Hi all
I was totally ovrr NC..then he messaged me last week out of the blue.
Hes single. He asked if i was.
What does this mean? Anything ir nothing?
I asked why he'd contacted me he said he was just thinking about me.
I actually dont know what to say to him.
We had small talk. Then nothing since saturday.

[bitchrestingface28]

Hey all, I haven't been here for ages but felt I've moved on from my nc. It was a short lived romance and tonight I have learnt that he was seeing someone else when I ended it, he has blocked me on everything but I saw a picture on his sisters fb.. It just hurt so much, only 3 months since I ended it and he is out with somone else?!! She's younger and stunning and I'm ridiculously jealous.. I'm much better now, I don't think about him that much and have moved on myself... But it's just upset me as I felt we had something special, and the whole time he was fucking someone else!! Arghh!!

[babyblue32]

@Snakelips
Well the text was
He's been told about the letter (someone else read it) thanks.
I'll sort it when I'm back.

(He's deployed apparently) so I reckon he's pissed that someone else has seen he has kid. But he reckons people know...

Also reckons I'm wrong when I said doesn't give a shit and he clearly won't be there.

I said if he'd just talked to me about it, and responded to me when I was asking what the plan would be I would of done things differently. His reply was
What's done is done.

Im alright about it atm.

Boys good! Growing well, keeping me up all night! But he's cute and lovely and amazing so I don't mind ❤️

You guys all ok

[Snakelips]

@Dimael - Jesus that was hard to read. And it must have taken a lot of courage to say it. I have really pushed myself to get over it. Done all the right things, kept busy, lots of exercise, made plans, eat well and I wouldn't have him back under any circumstances but yet I still find myself crying every single day. I suppose it's just a matter of time.

@didsomeonesaybunny - The slagging off an ex is a real deal breaker for me. You just know you are going to be treated the same way. I too have a flat full of expensive stuff he bought me. And I regularly find cards he has hidden declaring his undying love. But they are just things and words. And a smokescreen so we wouldn't see what shits they really were.

@babyblue32 - how is your boy doing? Do tell what dickwipe had to say about the letter?

I have my first counselling session tonight. I almost feel sorry for her. Is it acceptable to just sit and cry?

[babyblue32]

Alright so I need to read and catch up properly I've skimmed and tried to retain some posts lol.

@Dimael
I hear you! I used to sit and think it's all my fault. Now I sit and think... hold on. I didn't ask to be treated this way - because no sane person wants to be made to feel so shit and worthless.
I'm over NC in the sense that I don't want to be with him, the thought of being in a relationship passed me way back... but I sometimes do slip and wonder what it would be like. I was asked out on a date, I said no. He said he'll wait - I felt awkward and was like don't bother.
I'm so pleased you've come so far, it doesn't seem like yesterday we were posting about not really being able to cope!! I'm glad I've been here to read you're in a better place ❤️

@Snakelips
Oh I know, I realise it more now LO is here. I don't want him to Fuck him over either.... but I just want him to have his dad. I want him to have a dad that gives a shit - I want doesn't get is the trith for me with this one.
Well done for throwing things away, that's a very big step, and tough one. Good for you counselling, it's good to talk.... I think it helps to keep you sane too!

@Didsomeonesaybunny
How's it's coming along? How are you feeling?
He's fucked off? Again?
:(
This makes me so mad, please don't let him back in. Please. You've got this, you'll be a great mum without him. When baby is here (if she/he) isn't already you will realise how insignificant he really is. Baby will have all your love and energy, and he will be jealous and try and creep back. You'll never get the life you want from him.



My NC got his letter from HMRC 🙄 that got him talking -
Funny cares
More
About that than his son.

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

@snake - honestly I don’t know. He is so full on when he wants to come back, massive grand gestures, future faking and then an onslaught against the OW and her kids I just wonder why it’s all worth it. He has told me such intimate and personal details about her that I did ask him a week ago whether he was doing the same telling her about our sex life and history etc. and he swore that he didn’t but the likelihood is he did.

I can see why he’s in such a dire financial state because each time he breaks up with one of us he returns bearing extremely expensive jewellery, flowers, chocolates, canvas prints of us etc. I think at the time he’s declaring all of his bullshit he means it but he’s a man of the moment unfortunately and he’s admitted to me that he scared I’ll leave him for a younger man and he will be destitute so it’s been easier for him to be with her as he could live with her rent free and someday get a piece of her house (he doesn’t have enough for a deposit for anything other than a studio) - he’s all about self preservation. I think she knows this deep down but is in to vulnerable a state to kick him to the kerb.

Slow labour/latent labour - I’ve been 2cm dilated for the past 9 days, having painful Brixton Hicks contractions and am basically getting ready for full labour. It is super uncomfortable. I have 4 weeks to go exactly.

I’m really pleased to hear that you’re taking action, counselling can be a really great help and it’s good to just talk about things. Bottling it all up is no good in my opinion and cry lots if you feel you want to. I hate that when you have so many memories and everything just starts reminding you of old times. There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about him and whilst he’s put me through some of the worst times of my life I also had some of the best. Keep reaching out for support - it does help!

@dimael - of course you’re right, what decent human being would put us through this? For me the whil ghosting/ignoring then breadcrumming leaves me with unanswered questions, I’d be able to leave him alone if he gave me answers. Similarly I’ve asked to see the OW but she’s too asahamed to face me. Bloody hell your guy sounds horrendous, that must have been a terrifying experience. Did you ever report it to anyone?

That’s wonderful to hear that you’ve met someone else, I think the distraction is good and makes you feel normal. It’s odd though isn’t it being out of the cycle, you’re almost waiting for something to happen. You never know this could be the one but just take your time with him and go at your own pace. After I split with my NC in Jan I dated a guy I had known for a few years. I was amazed that he even looked at me knowing I was pregnant with another mans child. He treated me well but knew I was still very much in love wIth my NC. In fairness I should never have dated him because I wasn’t being fair to him (even though I was up front and honest about my feelings). Reconciliation between us doesn’t seem feasible as I’m still so messed up about my ex and don’t want to hurt him again.

Currently comfort eating - I’m an entire punnet of grapes down,.

[Dimael]

Can I just say these men are not nice people! Pining over them, wondering if they will change and snapping up the breadcrumbs they leave us - it’s all a waste of time. This is what I have learnt since April when I was wallowing in bed crying and checking my phone to see if he was online or posted something.
They treat us like we are worthless then they up and leave and we sit and we wonder where we went wrong. No ladies we didn’t go wrong. Yes we are human but we did not deserve this! Today I am finally going to delete him off Facebook and social media and all of our associated friends. Because guess what this man ruined me or he tried to. This man held me by the neck and forced himself on me and when I walked away he used my friends to play games and manipulate me. No more! Good riddance!
I have met someone new. You all can too in time. I am not saying this new man is the one but the utter shock I experience every time he asks me if I enjoyed myself today or if I am happy and calling me when he says he will. This is a breath of fresh air and is what we all deserve. Yes I still have my wobbles where I am a mess and feel pathetic because you don’t go through what I did and sit here like it never happened. There is life afterwards and you will all find your way forward. I am still finding my feet but I’m determined this man won’t be the ruin of me!

[Snakelips]

@didsomeonesaybunny - Do you think it's as basic as really wanting what you can't have and when you finally get it, it loses appeal?

When is the baby due? Wtf is slow labour? You haven't put yourself through this stress he has put you both through it. You were only doing what any decent human being would do by trying to have a relationship with the father of your child. It sounds like a bloody nightmare. Especially with your hormones all over the place. Do you live alone? Have you got a good support network? (Jesus I sound like a f***g creeper)

I have really tried to sort it all in my head but I finally admitted I need help and went to the doctors today to arrange some counselling. It's like every single thing reminds me of him. I watched a film and they mentioned the random place he lives, then the last place we went on holiday then the place we met. So I turned it off and cleaned out a load of books and there was a card from him in there. Have I been bloody cursed?

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

Oh my Lord @snake I’m so sorry he did that to you at a time that must have been bloody horrendous. Honestly though I seem to have experienced the same treatment, it has been him chasing me this time, literally begging me to get back with him and like you, I thought, well why would he go to all of this effort, reintroduce me into his kids lives, introduce me to all of his work colleagues, go flat hunting with me and spend thousands on a ring?! I mean just why? Doesn’t it seem purposefully mean? So I totally get why you’d have believed that he had changed and actually meant it because I got sucked in to his vortex too.

I too am crushed that I let him back in and feel so much worse for doing so, I feel like I’ve lost a lot in giving him a chance. It just makes me feel like less of a woman somehow and also a terrible mother to be, putting myself through this stress and trauma. You have to give yourself a break though because you must have been so vulnerable at that time and we choose to believe the best in people.

At least you are armed with information and little does he know that you know his horrid games. Yes I’m about to have the baby, his. I’m in slow labour at the moment. He got back with her momentarily and is also dating on the side, he’s the biggest hedger known to man. He did this in again in December, we broke up for a total of 2 weeks, he shagged the OW (who at the time had a boyfriend and gave him HPV) and at the very same time he had started aggressively pursuing two women he met on bumble, honestly it’s so unreal it sounds like lies but honest to god that’s what he did. Then he came back to me, begged for a chance and I got pregnant (we had been planning a family for years).

He honestly thinks this is all an act of kindness though because he was nice to me when he told me goodbye for a little while. Damaged doesn’t begin to cut it.

[Snakelips]

@didsomeonesaybunny - I think i'm making progress then I just seem to be back to square one. I went no contact a year ago after seeing photos of him all over someone in a club when I was in hospital having a double mastectomy. I was really strong and blocked him on everything so he started writing to me. Dickhead here started to think perhaps he was telling the truth and maybe I had over reacted. I mean why would you go to so much effort if you didn't love someone? Turns out he's been grooming the woman in the photos for the last year and has recently taken her away for the weekend. I haven't blocked him again because I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I have been social media stalking. He messaged me about 3 weeks ago to remind me it was our anniversary but I haven't responded. I just don't understand why go to all that effort, why not just leave me alone? I would never have ever contacted him again. And it just seems harder this time because it's my own fault for letting him back in.
Sorry about that rant but I needed it.


So you are pregnant!? I'm confused. He's staying with someone who has assaulted him because he hasn't got the energy to move but he's going to date at the same time? At least he's right about his head not being cleared. What bit about that is kind?

[Didsomeonesaybunny]

Hey All,

Hope everyone is having a nice, relaxing bank holiday weekend.

@baby - so sorry your NC is being so selfish and thoughtless, you must be going through a myriad of emotions having just had a baby and I cam imagine his actions are making things a tonne worse. I have to say that I find it utterly perplexing that a father could behave this way towards his child and the mother of his baby. Where is his conscience in all of this? I often wonder how people can sleep at night.

@dimael - very sorry to hear that you're suffering from anxiety, as a sufferer myself I know how debilitating this can be. A friend of mine suggested I try meditation, I am in no way the 'meditating type' and rolled my eyes but things got so bad I thought I'd give it a try and it does help a little. I am also writing a tonne which helps as it makes me think about what is causing the anxiety and what I can do to try and change the feelings around.

@snake - sounds like you may be making some progress? I threw out all of his things back at the end of May and also sent some stuff back to him relating to his children which just started the whole sorry tale off again. When I get back home I am going to take down his pictures etc, I have some of his things here that he's left over the last few weeks and will likely just bin them as I don't have the mental energy to send them back to him, plus, he doesn't deserve them. How long have you been NC for? Do you find that it is getting somewhat easier?

@tictac - thanks for sharing, there is hope for us!

@cawfee - I have spent the last 6 years trying to figure out why my NC is like he is and it's futile because he is who he is and only he can change his shitty pattern of behaviour.

I have had an emotional rollercoaster of a week. Have been seeing my NC for the past 10-12 weeks (off and on) and have been very guarded about taking him back full on because of the abuse he has previously subjected me to and the boomeranging back and forth to the OW and I. We spent a lovely few weeks together, we celebrated his birthday, went to hospital appointments and he opened up to me in a way that he hasn't for quite some time. He told me that his ex (OW) had physically assaulted him some weeks previously and that during their sailing trip he realised he could never be part of her family, that he didn't admire her, or her children and that is why she's never formed part of his family. It all made sense to naïve old me who at the time wanted to believe because I longed for the nuclear family with him. He said that her daughter had told the OW that she was putting him before her children and that she had changed beyond recognition to fit in with his ideal; the gin drinking, cycling, sailing, running etc. and that still he continued to leave her. It really made me think; was I doing that? Making those sacrifices? He said some of the most vile things about the OW and her girls, likely he is saying the same about me.

He's gone back to her now, he said he didn't have the energy to move again (we were looking at flats in Clapham and Wimbledon) and that he was thinking of trying to date. When I asked him what about the baby he said that he would be off for a little while and would be back when his head was cleared. He thinks that he has acted with kindness.

Today on my FB I got a memories post, it was of me, him and his daughter at Notting Hill Carnival, it has made me irrationally upset and I just wish he were here with me.

[Snakelips]

@babyblue32 - I hate to say this but I really think you are flogging a dead horse. Dimeal is so right. He's just doing the bare minimum to keep you hanging on thinking he's going to come good. Do you really want someone like that in your kids life? Would you let him mess with your darling sons head the way he has with yours?

@dimeal - It is a horrific thing to experience so no wonder you are anxious. It doesn't matter how many good things are in your life, you still need to process all that crap. I think having a bit of time to do nothing really helps.

@cawfee - I tried for a year to make my nc understand and apologise. I wasted that year when I could have been getting on with my life. Have you split up recently? Are you living together still?

@tictactic - your holiday romance was the best diversion ever. It gives me hope when I see how far you have come.

@pixikitten0123 - is this an old friend in the biblical sense? Could it lead anywhere?

I've had a bit of a breakthrough and thrown away every love letter, gift, and photo he ever gave me. He doesn't deserve the space in my flat or my head. I think i'm in the angry phase

[Tictactic]

Hello.. thought I'd check in. A lot of newbies it seems. To give hope to others struggling, around Easter I was floored. I was dumped rather abruptly by NC. It really hurt and I really struggled. Stayed in bed all Easter weekend. But, 4 months on I'm over it.. completely! NC did the trick, although hard.
@babyblue32. Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get what you want from your NC. I hope you and baby are doing well. You will get over him in time and meet someone worth your while. I remember it being very tough when my ds young as a single parent. It really does get better.

@Dimeal. Sorry to hear you're feeling anxious and pulled out of the race. Anxiety sucks. I think your dad is unfair labelling you as mentally ill. That's not exactly helpful I'd say, don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe running guy is the one or maybe he is a transition. Who knows? Glad you have a breather from work and hope it helps.
Thanks for advice 're half marathon. I'm so not ready. I'm nearly at my target for fundraising. I'm hoping I can pull it off somehow. I'm still going to physio.
I still daydream about my holiday romance .. I hope I'm not alone forever but I feel I'm getting myself on track. What a rollercoaster..

[Pixikitten0123]

So after the whole do I accept a job in the Middle East or not I’ve decided to stay here and finalise my divorce. Fantastic offer and package but timing wrong 😩 in other news I’ve reconnected with a very old friend of mine and invited him over for dinner next weekend

[Cawfee]

Sadly joining this thread. Struggling with NC with my STBXH. Two decades together and I’ve put up with so much. I’m a shell of the person I used to be. Still can’t get away from thinking that if I could just talk to him and persuade him to see what he’s done. Get him to realise and apologise...but no. No no no. No. No more. I need peace of mind and to stop trying with somebody who is just full of contempt for me and has barely touched me in the last 5 years. Devastated and must stay NC!!!

[Dimael]

@baby it’s like he offers you breadcrumbs then you reply because you want the best for baby and then he goes off again with his ego boosted. If it wasn’t for the little one I would say don’t bother. I know how important it is for you to not close that door for your little boys sake. Unfortunately it is not very fair for you psychologically.

For me I am struggling with anxiety this last week. I pulled out of a race because I couldn’t face it and today I am so anxious I can’t eat. Although running guy is good to me and is doing nothing wrong at all I have had such bad experiences I cannot settle with waiting for the tide to change! My Dad was saying i’m mentally ill but he doesn’t know the half of what happened. When someone tells you they love you and you are forever but proceed to ignore you and then play games with your mind. I think I need a break from everything but how? I booked some time off work and just going to stay home and do nothing.
I’d got things sorted out at work, found I have some good friends when I reached out and now have a nice boyfriend.
Really you would think I could be happy wouldn’t you?

[babyblue32]

@Dimael
I know I'm trying to refrain from going off on one.
It's been a hard week... he knows his name now. But still isn't bothered I guess I'm holding onto the fact that he said he'd support me, and I've pushed the 'I don't want it' 'have an abortion' to the back of my head - because i can't accept that he doesn't want him. It's very hard. Overly frustrating
I also am sure sure sure he's in this country and on camp which is 40 mins away.
:( I feel at a loss with it all.

@Snakelips
I'm getting there, like I said to dim, I'm just at a loss. I want to try and I don't at the same time... but when I do try and he does respond - it's one line and hardly reaching out. Everytime he does respond I ask when he'll see him... then he doesn't respond again.
He also reckons with or without information he still cares 🙄 fucks my head

It's hard when they replace you, so quickly too. It's one of those things .:: I suppose it's just trying to move past it, but it's so shit you can't help thinking about it

[Snakelips]

@babyblue32 How are you doing? His behaviour is appalling so of course he can't admit it, even to himself. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to look in the mirror every morning. I want to call my NC and scream at him so I can't imagine how you must feel!

I know I shouldn't even think about them but it almost like I have a mini panic attack when I do. How on earth was I so easy to replace? How can he have moved on without a look back? Is that it, I will never hear his voice again?

As you can see i'm struggling a bit at the moment but I'm telling myself it's all part of the acceptance that it's over.

[Dimael]

@baby to be fair it’s best not to fight fire with more fire so it’s probably for the best you don’t have those messages stored! If he cared he would have been there for his son!

@Tictactic heck!!! A half marathon! You will have muscle memory and will get back fairly quickly. Just try up your miles a bit the next few weeks up to 10/11 miles. I was told not to run a full half before the day and I got to 12 miles preparing seriously. My advice on the day from my experience would be to slow down your 10k pace and take an energy gel at about 10km.