NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Pixi my stbexh objected to my examples f his unreasonable behaviour but the solicitor told him he didn't get any say in why I divorced him. He was put in his place quite firmly.

I got a message this morning He's got his kids and his parents staying with him this weekend and is going to contact me by phone later today. I feel a bit insane now but after all the fuckwittage I've dealt with over the years I'm not prepared to take any more so I guess it's only natural to be like I was. My mum is now going away next weekend so if he asks me out I'm going to be a bit stuck 😩

I would don't do it! Remember how awful baby has felt and been treated after texting??!!

@Jenasaurus be strong, hope you'll be ok

@LiteraryDevil yes! That's good, I get you get a bit argh with it... but least he's messaged now. Hopefully you'll hear more later :)

@Iwouldmarrythebeast - don't, I did. And now my heads completely messed up again.

@Dimael the no response is actually really eating me up.
I sent a long message last night basically
Saying like, if it wasn't all a game to him, he would tell me, and I've waited and given him space and I honestly thought he would give me more than what he'd given. A gif and a message of it'll work out 😑 I was like you're telling me you're going to be part of it all, yet you're not talking again.
So I sent that last night.
He's been online last night and today and hasn't read it.
I'm super mad at myself

I know when I text, I just get it all out. So it's king texts trying to get him to understand and his are always short replies. I really want him to just open the message at least. And if he doesn't reply... Then cool.

He was just online and I couldn't help it. I was just messaged and said I'm not trying to fight you, I just need your support. He went offline straight away.

I thought I was ok, like Friday I was upset. But I felt ok had a good cry. Yesterday I was ok.... then I just sort of broke down. Now he's just invaded my mind. I've not got to get over that obsessive wanting to text part again.

I know he is going to post something on IG later today and I know it’s going to make me feel rubbish. I don’t feel strong enough to block him yet

*I'm so angry with myself.
I'm so so angry, I held into his lies
I held onto him telling me he did love me..

I know you can't make something work just because a baby is involved.

But I honestly really wanted the things he did to be true.

I want to tell him how much he's hurt me, and how much hes fucked my head up. And that all he had to do was just be a grown man and tell me to go.

Instead I've hovered and waiting around like a complete tool.
*

Baby, in the kindest possible way, stop it. Now. You are doing yourself no favours and are now coming across as crazy, obsessed and desperate. Behaving like this is going to do you no favours as he is just going to NC you as he can't deal with all the outbursts. Think of things the other way round, how would you feel? Pressured? Scared? Frustrated? Pissed off? Got at? Etc. Not saying he deserves any niceness from you but you need to leave him alone now x

Apparently I need to stop over thinking stuff

His words

@LiteraryDevil

I know :( I need to stop. Each time I've messaged I've just been like why. Just stop now.
He just really gets me, like no one has affected me like it. I'm so livid. I can feel my heart like pounding because I want to scream in his face.

I know keeping this baby was my choice, I know I've got to live with that (which I want - because I can't wait for him to be here) but to be punished by the man that helped you create, and be treated like shit.

Breaking NC as much as I needed to has just fucked me up

@Baby leave him alone now. He is an idiot we all know it but chasing him now is going to push him further away. I reckon he is terrified of being a dad and he is freaking out and unfortunately that is affecting you. Phone goes off now and you are back to NC. takes phone from you! Walk away silently now with your dignity.

Good morning. I want to thank everyone here for helping me through my wobble. I’m over the shock now and feel much stronger. In fact, I almost feel sorry for the woman he is with. Almost

@Dimael
You're right, you're all right. I really have to stop. I was doing so well with my four weeks.

I know I've pushed him away, I did from the start. He ran, I chased and pushed.

I feel so silly, he just makes me angry, and I know hat anger leads to messages and me just going crazy.

After the stop over thinking text I just replied with - what do you expect. You've just left me to it whilst constantly lying. I have no idea what you want. But it's not us.

And left it. Deleted the thread. Now just need to re delete the number 😐

Babyblue32 delete the number please!!! It’s doing you no favours having it in your phone. I’m sure you know it or have it saved elsewhere if you need it but take it out of your phone.

I can’t stop thinking about NC’s birthday on Tuesday. All yesterday I was convincing myself I should wish him a happy birthday but I realise in my sane moments (like now) that I shouldn’t. I have these mad moments where my heart takes over my head and I have these overwhelming urges to do things like contact him or unblock him.

I’ve been strong so far. The fact he’s dating others when he said he didn’t want a girlfriend and didn’t really have time to date says everything. I need to keep my dignity and remain silent.

All the guys I’m speaking to in OLD have turned things sexual though. It’s so off putting. Everyone is just after one thing it seems, I know I’ll end up being back on this NC thread over another guy one day as they all seem to be toxic!

@Babyblue you have pregnancy hormones as well to contend with so put some of it down to that. Back to NC and start focusing on your future now.

I agreed to a date with that guy who kept asking. Everything he does annoys me and I leave him on read for hours! I am as bad as some of our NC’s. For example yesterday he text to say he beat his personal best running! Seems like a little boy to me having to tell me that. Then I said well done and he sends 3 pages about how he didn’t expect it. Bored now! And he is trying to finalise plans for Wednesday but I can’t be bothered replying- truth is I don’t want to meet up with him. Think I am going to tell him I am working away all week and cancel. Then never rearrange! If he annoys me now then what will it be like later. It’s not like me to not reply to people so he must be doing something to irritate me. Either that or I am just not ready for this. I hate messing people around but my mind is all over the place. I told him I was recently separated and he continued to push me to date him. That to me seems a bit off. I would have expected him to back off and he didn’t. My mind is all over. Wanting to date to show my NC that I am moving on and no more meals for one. And 2 wanting to be alone if I can’t be with my NC.

@Dimael I know, I think it just all got to much. My way of dealing with it is chasing.
Which doesn't work and never has. I've left it now. I can't do anymore. I know I can't.

Did you only say yes because you felt pressured? If he bores you and you're not really interested then tbh make an excuse - because you telling him your not ready doesn't seem to work, and if needs be just don't reply at all. It's a tough one, but if you're not feeling it. Don't force it

@meowimacat
I've deleted chat, just need to get back to deleting his number now. Just feel stupid for wanting him to really prove me wrong.

Don't message him on his birthday, keep control of your overwhelming urges. I beg you.
Believe me you will feel worse then you did before this all start when you don't get the reaction or response you hope for xx

I’m struggling with NC, every Friday he’s supposed to pay his maintenance for the kids. I’ve asked repeatedly for a standing order but every week he waits until I make contact to ask for the money transferring, it’s annoying the crap out of me. Maybe it’s a power/control thing? Why if you don’t want me to contact you would you do that?

@Pixikitten0123
That's a control thing, 100%.

Pixi tell him that his choice is to either set up a standing order or you'll go via the csa and it will cost him 20% extra each week. You'll also lose 7% but it's worth it to not have to ask.

Thank you for confirmation babyblue, it’s like he wants a weekly argument with me as a form of contact on his terms to make himself feel better about leaving. He’s also had ds’s jacket for the last 5 weeks. DD is quite ill with a lifetime danger to life condition, he doesn’t call/text to see how she is or how hospital appointments have gone. Both kids have mobile phones but he doesn’t contact them either. He’s currently living “renting a room” from his ex girlfriend. Swears blind there’s nothing going on and she’s got a boyfriend - I’m not stupid. He’s objecting to my divorce reasons as I’ve put that he’s a functioning alcoholic, failure to support me and that he’s living with her - that he’s really objecting to but there’s nothing going on eh?

Sorry for lurking. 6 days nc and its,killing me

@Pixikitten0123 what @LiteraryDevil is a good way to go... if he's not being consistent and you want to keep it NC(apart from kids) then probably way forward. That's how I'll be doing maintenance when the time comes.
Be strong.

@Justbroken1 6days is better than 5. One day at a time. You'll get there. Good and bad days come believe it. Be prepared for It. You can do this, you'll have days you slip and feel shitty, but you will get there x

Thanks, so upset today. Im in bed and cant shift the tears, wish I was stronger. Im so glad ive found this thread. So sorry guys though to see what your going thorough. X

@Babyblue yes it was after a low point on Friday night at work and weeks of pestering from him I said yes as I thought it was the easiest thing to do. Now I am feeling better and I realise this is all very wrong. What have I agreed to do! I don’t have urges to message my NC anymore but I still would like him to contact me or turn up at my door and make everything right again so I know I am not over this just yet. Can’t really give this guy what he wants/needs right now can I!

@Dimael oh babe, I feel you. It's that little bit I'd hope you just can't let go of isn't it :( I'm always hoping that I'll open the door and he'll be walking up the drive, but I know he won't. You have to let that go. (Says she). No you can't offer this guy anything, not right now anyway. Deffo just cancel, you need to be in better head space.
If he doesn't understand that, then he's not someone you want to be involved with for sure.

@Justbroken1
We are all going through it, some at different stages. We all seem to motivate and remind each other that we're doing ok. So post away. You'll get support x

So. I did a 10k race today with no training and hammered it! I felt very nervous and numb but I'm feeling so happy (but sad).. I feel I want to make my Facebook post public.. lots of well done etc in case he looks. silly really? I'm just settling down but will try and catch up with the thread since last night shortly x