NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

@snakelips yes I have to do the right thing by him and that’s what is playing on my mind at the moment. It’s why I haven’t allowed it to go public amongst friends etc as well so we can just walk away.

@baby he is lovely but i’m not used to that! I don’t have the usual head rush I have felt with other men, maybe I will develop feelings over time and maybe I can’t. I have to set a limit on this and draw the line at some point.
Aww I bet you are tired! But you sound to be doing amazing just as I knew you would. As hard as it is to see that baby looks like your NC he was only the sperm donor as literary devil used to say. It’s the time and effort someone puts in which makes them a parent.

@Tictactic I know! I always think back to that Easter weekend where I thought my life was over and nothing would get better. But here we both are. Are you still going to the therapist? Maybe you could work on your attraction to unavailable men. I think I have done this as well a lot! Men who live in different towns and some distance from me. Kept me safe I felt, as they can’t get too close but I always got hurt nevertheless! This is probably why I am not sure on this man I can see 3/4 times a week! Going to the football and for a drink today then tomorrow shopping together. I just find it annoying that he calls me ‘dear’ it makes me feel about 90! And he wants to message all day long which is exhausting!
Ouch he hasn’t taken that well has he? I would just block him now, you have had enough of silly men so just put a stop to him contacting you. I’m not sure he would be happy if I ended things but what can you do if you don’t want to be with someone?

@Dimeal.. I've finished the sessions, only had 4 but was useful at the time. I've been through this a few times now and am much more wary getting involved. As you say, in some way there is a safeness at a distance. The holiday fling I couldn't not go there he was so nice. Probably a good job as I would have fallen and he's too young. Yes I still get hurt too!
I'm just not ready for 3/4 times per week. I also can't be doing with any neediness. what I've learnt is I prefer real and natural. Text messaging is exhausting and distracting! He calls you dear 🤔
The OLD guy not contacted me today. Buy yes if it continues I may send 1 more message and block.
Well yes you need to be honest with him as it's not fair. It may serve in an adjustment period and move you forward but like you say you need to put a time limit as it still hurts to end it

@Tictactic i’m glad that helped you and I suppose experience makes us more aware of what we are doing and where we are going wrong! I just got home from literally one drink. Just think this is not right for me. I have plans with him tomorrow and then after that I won’t make any more plans. It’s run it’s course, I shouldn’t be feeling this 2 months in. I do like the guy but I think I need more than this.

@Dimeal. It sounds like he is sweet and he has been patient but he also caught you at vulnerable time. It does sound like you need more, personality wise. At 2 months in it should be exciting and I think you should be wanting to progress things.
On the plus side it has moved you forward and could you have a friend?

Having a really crap day :( I did something stupid and called my ex asking if I could come round to talk. I am just so hurt at the way he treated me, especially with my health concerns in the background. anyway he said no, he's sick of talking and needs space.

He's been chatting online to another woman which I discovered last week. He insisted he hardly ever spoke to her and it was only kids/school stuff but slowly and surely over the week has admitted to more regular contact and more chat. However each time he has insisted he's being totally honest and open and has been angry with me for not trusting him. But I ask to see the messages so that I can be reassured. He gets shouty and refuses, saying I'm being ridiculous and if I don't trust him to just leave. Then the next day he slips up and another version comes out.

They chat every few days but he was saying at first that it was every few months. He has told me to stop annoying him by getting in touch and give him time to think about whether he wants to be with me because he can't stand who I've become! I'm amazed at his attitude. If he'd been honest in the first place we wouldn't be in this situation.

He's lying to me and annoyed that I don't believe his lies?? Bottom line, I'm not comfortable with the deceit and his attempts to cover up and lie and actually attack me for not trusting him. I'm also unhappy with the way he's spoken to me about it all, like this is all my fault. I'm just hurt beyond belief. I know I need to step away from the phone and I need to summon the strength in myself to do that. I don't even want him back as I could never trust I'm now, so why do I keep texting?

@shouldiwouldilietoyou - you need to find some strength with in you and put down the phone, texting and calling him will just make the situation worse. The moment he realises you’ve stopped contacting him is the moment he will think SHIT! Put your phone in another room, make plans for any of your spare time, read a book, watch movies. Do anything to occupy your mind and find some self love. Do this for yourself x

@lookingforhelp thanks. I know that's what I need to do. I'm going to hide it for the rest of the evening or go out without it! x

@shouldiwouldilietoyou
Head a head fuck for sure, or seems it

You have to stop texting him, he's even telling you to leave him alone. So stop. Leave him.

Honestly it's the best thing you can do, for your own sanity too. I did this. I kept texting wanted proof and shit, it will never come because he can't give you proof because he's done everything you've accused him of!

When you stop bothering he will pop up, but you have to have the strength to not be sucked back in!!

@babyblue He sure as hell is. I'm like a moth to a flame - I know it hurts but I keep going back. I could really kick myself for calling him! Well done for kicking the habit!

I haven't texted him since He's a prat because he liked some of my stuff on fb and ig today... almost like he's goading me. I've just ignored it though.
Feeling much better now as I've managed to tidy the house trying to keep busy. Just going to tackle the ironing pile too I'm just thinking ahead to the weekend though. Will need to make some plans otherwise I might end up being drawn in again.

PS Thanks for the handwriting compliment

I’ve just read through the whole thread. So much respect for everyone that’s posted. Life and relationships are so hard and complicated, you’ve all done so well. Huge respect and love 💕

I think I need to go no contact, well minimal contact, as I have children with my husband. In a very condensed version. I split up with him last November. It was my choice. He has a porn addiction, at the time we were working through it, he was going to counselling, group therapy, had sponsor and also going to marriage counselling. I was in a stressful job and I think I had some sort of emotional break down, possibly depression? I just cut off and withdrew from everything, generally was a negative person and was vile to my husband. Bit of a crap mum.

The past 6 weeks I have come out of “the fog” it’s been painful and emotional, my family could see me falling apart but couldn’t speak to me as I just wouldn’t engage. I’ve have been looking into cbt and non violent communication as I’ve realised I struggle to deal with difficult emotions and can be bad at communicating.

I miss my ex?husband and feel regrets about how I treated him and actually we were getting somewhere in the counselling and I sabotaged it. He has started a new relationship (I can’t believe it now, but I insisted he leave me alone and go and meet someone else).
I am not sleeping, I think about him all the time. I’m sad. I need to stop obsessing about all of this, it’s exhausting. I need to move on but I’m struggling. I’m hoping coming here and talking with people who are also struggling will help me. Sorry for the ramble.

@shouldiwouldilietoyou - I was diagnosed a year and a half ago. Last year was utter hell with 12 rounds of chemo followed by a bi-lateral mastectomy. I have come through it though and my reconstruction starts in in 7 weeks.

Don't beat yourself up about contacting him. It's almost as if your heart takes a bit of time to catch up with your head. Mine did exactly the same. Lied about how often he was contacting her then got angry when I confronted him. It's guilt pure and simple. Walk away from the phone.

@babyblue32 - any fallout from the social media outing?

@Hanbam - That does sound like depression. It's so hard keeping everything going I think your brain just shuts down to avoid as a form of self preservation. And the self sabotage is almost like a way of kidding yourself you don't care. The lack of sleep is by far the worst for me. It stops me being rational and makes me super depressed. No wonder it's used as a torture method.

I do feel a bit better and had a lovely weekend at the coast with friends but it's hard not to think about him.

And I have a real embarrassing confession. Alcohol was involved. I sent him a glitterbomb. To his new job! I just couldn't stand the thought of him being all smug and pretending to be a wonderful person. I can't decide if I would prefer that he opened it in his office or car.

Enough now snakelips

Hi, hope you don’t mind me gatecrashing your thread.

I’m 3 weeks into my split and struggling. I’ve heard a bit about NC and how it helps getting over an ex however can you do it when there’s a baby involved? If so how?

Long story short, my ex left me, our baby and my 2 kids after 4 and a half years. He messed up a few times during the relationship but always asked me to stick with him which I did. 3 weeks ago he decided he’d had enough, didn’t love me anymore and walked out on our family.

He’s not contacting me overly but has asked if we can be friends and if I would send him pics of our baby. He’s seen our baby twice since the split (his choice).

I feel myself constantly thinking about him, looking at his last seen on WhatsApp etc....pathetic I know. I need to break the cycle.

I want to only contact him about our baby and only if I really have to.

Does anyone have any experience of NC with a baby? Or just advice around breaking the cycle.

Thanks

@Snakelips

Well, not yet. Only because the place she's called him out has to approve the comment 😂
I'm not fussed if he's aired or not tbh. I gain nothing. All I want is for him to just step up.

@Mum1g2b
There is no easy way, it's always harder when children are involved. I have a new baby with my NC - it's so hard. You manage for a bit, then contact and then go NC again. It's trial and error. Is how much you can take I guess. Now my LO is here, I feel less and less inclined to message and chase my NC.

It's such a shit thing to hear, but it's alll about timing and learning to respect yourself again

Since going non contact and being warned by the police to leave me alone he’s still contacting me - passive aggressive about how I’m harming the children - since not having contact the kids are actually more settled 🤷‍♀️

I’m not doing so well, each time contact is made even though I don’t respond the weight starts to drop... I’m down to a size 6-8 now - it’s like I’ve fallen into a routine of punishing myself 🤷‍♀️

...

@mum1g2b I can’t advise how to go NC with children involved. But I can advise on the NC process. The first few weeks are torture - crying, temptation, anger basically just every emotion going! You blame yourself, you blame him. I did the checking when he was last online and general sm snooping. It’s best to stay busy at this point - exercise helped me loads! Then one day it will hit you that he wasn’t worth all of this upset and you’ll be fine. It all works out in the end. I am 5 months NC, dating again and 100% over my NC! You can do this! We are all stronger than we think!

@Babyblue I saw that post on Facebook the other day - it’s so so true!

@Pixi Keep strong, any contact you inform the police and you keep eating something/anything. When I’m stressed I don’t eat either so I know! But nibble on small stuff if a big meal over faces you.

How's everyone doing?

My NC went to pot!! Managed from last Monday to Saturday. Went out for a drink with the girls Saturday night, looked down at my phone and i had accidently facetimed NC in my hand! He obviously thought i'd done it on purpose - which i 100% hadn't. He was out drinking too. I explained what had happened on a quick phone call. I was so angry and upset because i wasn't even thinking of NC at the time. It ruined my night and i went home. Woke up to 2 missed calls from him at 2am. Phoned him back in the morning and we had a pleasant chat. Continued to chat all Sunday, he said he missed me and he's been very lonely without me.

Continued to chat most of the week. NC said he misses me and wants to give me a cuddle - when i said "just as friends?" he said he doesn’t know what as. I haven’t spoke to him since yesterday now.

I just want him back so much.

@lookingforhelp1000. How are you doing?
So he isn't giving any commitment then, hes lonely. Why did the relationship end?
@Dimeal. How is running guy? Are you going with it?

Well. I'm fed up this evening. My holiday seems a distant memory. My holiday romance too I felt so amazing and it felt so real but I knew this would happen. I'm wondering what's wrong with me. Am I too picky? Exh left 2009!! I thought I'd be settled again by now. After experiencing what I did on holiday, I want that again. I'm feeling a failure. I've concentrated on being the best mum possible but in doing that I've sacrificed a career. I'm 42 this year and wondering how the he'll I get out of this rut.
On a positive note, I'm over my NC from earlier in the year

@Tictactic glad you're over NC!
Sorry you feel this way :( buts it's never to late to focus on you and do what you want. Even work wise!!
You'll find another romance, just when you're least expecting it. I know it's rubbish when things come to an end (even things you know would be short lived). I'm sure in time when you're feeling s little better you'll come across someone and it'll be amazing.
😘

I broke today and messaged him.
I haven't spoken to NC since I told him son was here.

I knew he wouldn't respond or even read the message.
I don't know why I ever believed he wanted to see his son! He's still not even asked. I suppose it's just me holding out for my son to have a dad.
Oh wells, I suppose I don't know what the future really Holds.
I contacted cms - so hopefully that will sort out. Apparently they'll go through the MOD if he doesn't respond...

@babyblue32. I can across some photos of me and NC and it seems a distant memory. I'm more annoyed how he ended it so abruptly when we has made plans but actually I think longer term it's for the best as I'd have a lot of baggage to take on with him.
I guess I'm.scared to make the move work wise/studying as I know what I'm doing now 'works' but it doesn't do anything for my self esteem. I will do it and need to start focusing on that.
I guess what you're saying could happen as I wasn't expecting to meet holiday romance and a previous boyfriend was a chance meeting. I hope so! But yes, I need to somehow get in a better frame of mind. I feel quite isolated.

Don't beat yourself up for contacting your NC. It's natural to think they'd want to meet their own child! It makes me really angry on your behalf. Well done contacting cms. Did you know your NC family? Was it a short relationship?

@Tictactic soooo I think I was a bit hormonal last weekend and also slightly protecting my space. So I’m still seeing him and I feel happy with that decision.
He is so good to me and I can’t help but smile around him. I know if I am struggling he will do anything to help me out. We are taking this steady anyway so I am just seeing how it goes.
Don’t punish yourself for not having everything worked out. Nobody does and I do think things happen when least expected. (Cliche I know). I have watched friends get married, have children and I have had the questions about why I won’t settle down. It doesn’t matter. Everyone is different. Someone one day will come along and fit into your life perfectly. And as for your career - we can’t all be managers. Opportunities may arise in the future you don’t know what is in store for you. Keep positive! I think you are a strong, kind woman who deserves the world!

@Baby I hope you are feeling ok after the message you sent? I honestly can’t believe him!

@Dimael I was alright, he's read the message today. I didn't expect a reply or anything, but it has reduced me to tears. Which is the first time in weeks I've been upset over it. Every ignored message tells me I've been right to both bother since LO arrived... just don't understand why he can't just say leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you - but I know the silence is saying that. It's taking a lot of self control to not bombard him and just get shouty. Super annoyed at how upset I am right now.

@Tictactic
Short relationship 3 months then I fell pregnant. No nothing of his family

He replied

He replied to me

And it was appalling

Tried to turn it on me - like I withheld information about his child

How dare he

@Baby that’s appalling! Can’t use swear words on here I guess but his occasion calls for it!! #*%#! I can’t believe he can act like it’s your fault. You have sent so many messages! I would screen shot the messages you have sent him and send them back to him. Ask him how dare he say he didn’t know anything. I’m fuming for you!