NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

@Dimael
How was the holiday! Did you enjoy it?
I'm sorry about your friend... I think maybe it's time to step back, her loyalty is clearly with NC. Which isn't fair on you, and you shouldn't have to feel like you can't be around her without it related to her wanting to get you around NC. Will you gain anything from sending a letter? Just to inform him about her? Or do you want add pretty much everything into the letter? I think maybe it could do good? I might help to I'm feel better.

My little man is here. He's a week old tomorrow. It's been mental. Motherhood is very tiring and I swear he's nocturnal.
I told my NC his son is born, and his reply was
'Hope you guys are doing ok'
Nothing else.
Asked if he wanted to see his son
He said said
I said when
He said
When he's back in the country
I asked when they will he and he's yet to reply.

I sent him a message on fb and WhatsApp. A long one stating my son deserve a dad and he's left me on read.

My
Hormones cannot take this, he's going to ruin me again and I refuse it to happen. But he's aware and he knows. And he still going give a crap

I need to start this again, bit of background:

Went on holiday and met the most (what I thought) amazing man on my last day. He was so keen and persistent, since the holiday he has called me/face timed me every single day for over a month. After a few days he said he wants me to fly over to him and he would pay for it all (he lives in America and I live in England), I felt bad about the ticket so I purchased it myself. Now I was due to fly out today, yesterday he told me it's best I shouldn't come now as there's family problems he doesn't want me to see and now theres this other girl who has just got back in contact with him...like wtf?? He said he'd reimburse me for my ticket but right now I'm kinda heartbroken and just keep crying because how can someone do this to another person? Like the day before you're leaving

I’ve lost so much weight, gone from a size 14/16 to size 8/10. It just won’t stop coming off 🤷‍♀️ GP has put me on a weight monitoring program as well as sending me for bloods and a chest x-ray as I had to see her as ex assaulted me last Saturday afternoon.

long time since I've checked in.. hello!
I still think about NC in an idealised way. I could never have him though as he was out of my reach.
So I'm still in contact with OLD and we seem to have struck up a friendship. Will see. I'm away with DS for 2 weeks next week.
@Dimeal. 10k last night complete for me despite injury collected medal and t shirt.
I think something has gone on between your 'friend' and NC. I hope you are continuing to move forward. How are things with running guy?
@babyblue32 congratulations! Yes it's tough with a newborn. leave that piece of worthless crap pathetic excuse of a father. Embrace motherhood.. you can do this

Evening. I'm onto day two of NC. I'm hoping it's going to get easier. After my melt down the other day it was just a shock for how things ended. We both blocked each other but theres a line of communication open on fb messenger. I refuse to use it though. Maybe I will in a couple of months time once things have calmed down.

I'll really miss him, he wasn't a bad person at all. Everything just happened at once and things became bad for both of us. As much as I wanted to hold on, we both couldn't. I told him I'd miss him and he said he would miss me too but things were too hard and he needs to get himself right. I think he will be one of those "the one that got away" type and I'll look back at the memories fondly.

How life turns out ey?

I did put too much pressure on him and that's how it's all ended. I was still holding out hope when realistically too much had gone on.

Right from the moment I met him and we clicked, I kne he was something x

I wish him all the happiness he deserves and I'll be sad that he will move on but I'll accept that in my own time. I hope in time we can build up a friendship and meet from time to time. Maybe he might change his mind.

I've deleted all social media and feel a lot better for it.

I need to concentrate on myself now.

I tend to be quite a prolific texter/emailer as writing is my preferred mode of communication. So I really struggle with not venting or reaching out when I am angry/upset/emotional etc.

One thing that has helped me a bit, apart from the usual like keeping really busy and mentally being as tough as you can, is putting in the offending person's name (or another name of choice - fuckwit seems to often be the choice) but under my own number.

So, when I have made the mistake of reaching out, or venting, and there is the usual no response (which I am convinced is mostly passive aggressive otherwise why not at least make one response and/or block?) I just end up texting myself! It's quite amusing as there is a little delay and then the text pops up.

It sounds a bit nuts but it tends to lead to fewer angry texts to fuckwit (aka myself) and more self-affirming texts of the type I would like to receive if I hadn't made the mistake of falling for a neanderthal.

I find it impossible to get into the headset of someone who would repeatedly ignore another person's attempts to communicate. I just find it so passive-aggressive and dysfunctional. Even if the communication is unwanted. Then say so and give a warning and then if necessary block.

However, I fear that this 'non communication' is mainly a male thing and, I hate to say it, but it's about control. Rather than smoothing troubled waters with an attempt to communicate a non-response inflames which I presume is exactly what the controlling person wants.

So, yes, best not to play the game and disengage entirely. But in a way, that IS playing into their game. Which is what makes the whole thing so infuriating. But they know that, which is why they do it. (I am sure this can apply to women too...)

Here we go round the mulberry bush - it's controlling and yes.....it's also quite abusive....

Sigh.

Hope it's ok to join. Had a weird day, an ex girlfriend of my ex boyfriend asked to meet up and told me loads of stuff, basically reiterating what I already knew that he was a lying addict but it's really upset me exactly how many lies he told. She's a vague friend and had seen my post in a single parents group where I'd posted that my kids are missing him so she said she might be able to help put my mind at rest that I made the right decision about him. It has reassured me and as a consequence I've removed myself from online date sites, think I need to simplify and get nesting with the kids!
We've been split for nearly a year but up until January this year were still meeting for occasional sex and comfort until I found his drugs in Jan when I knocked it on the head.
He's been back in contact recently, fully therapped, happy and supposedly recovered, wanting to be friends.
To help me get over him I went zealously into OLD. Only actually met one guy with whom I had a most excellent fling, and done good chats with others and have been setting up dates.
So today, learning how much I was fooled has completely floored and gutted me.
I was broken hearted by our toxic relationship and once I had heard the truth I just told him I can't afford to being contact with him anymore (didn't tell him why) anfcut it off.
Cut off all dating sites too as just feel I'm too vulnerable.
The fling guy has also been cut off. I am very fond of him but he lives far away, despite being fun and a great distraction it was also feeding my OCD/ checking/ stalker tendencies, so I've said a tearful goodbye.
In the interests of full disclosure, this is not the first time I've been fooled in a relationship.
I'm the adult child of mentally ill and addict parents
I'm repeating the same relationship over and over, even though the guys appear different each time it ends the same, them hugely deceitful and me blown apart.
It needs to change.
I have two small children and disabilities and two jobs.
I have done pattern changing workshops and freedom programs .
I don't want to be alone forever but I feel like I'm going to keep on walking into these horrible scenarios.
So I have waffled, wishing you all the best with your NC. I'm only on day one (again) and already checking my phone for contact attempts.

@Tictactic thank you!! He is amazing! Good little pair of lungs on a nappy change haha!! Yes, I just wanted to put it out there for him. You know make him aware that I'm offering all this to him still, after how shit he treated me throughout my pregnancy. And for him to tell me he's away and will see him when he's back in the country. I asked him when he's back. That was Monday - I've heard nothing. Yet. He's been active on SM? Posting about his travel business on open sites. I typed his name in Facebook and saw stuff he's added to sites. I'm very angry? But also I'm accepting. I know he won't be here. But I think it won't be for like 4/6 weeks that I see my little guy grow and I'm like yeah ok... your dad just isn't going to be there.

@butterballs9 what you've said there about control . It's exactly that. They play the game, and for sanity we play back. We stil give them what they want, they want to ignore and then we end up feeling crazy and having to talk through not talking to them. MEH

@LostDignity
Pressure always comes along in relationships. Just try and stay strong, you seem pretty clear with it in your post. You know what you've got to do x

Yes indeed babyblue. What you wrote up-thread about finding him online and then contacting him and telling him you needed his support at which point he logged off says it all. He is not there to support you. What these man-boys do is get you heavily invested (and you can't get more heavily invested than being pregnant, even if it wasn't planned) and then they disappear. I've had one of those. Not the pregnancy bit but the invested bit. He was the ultimate catalyst for the break-up of my long term relationship although it is of course far more complicated than that and things had been rocky on and off for a long time. But whatever the circumstances, the man-boy behaviour is the same. Reel you in, get you hooked, then start the games. At the point at which you are ready to make a commitment, guess what happens - he disappears in a puff of smoke. Mission accomplished! Another scalp on the ego/bed post. Ego validation has been achieved. Narcissistic supply has been freely given. Now the game can begin. Having 'got' you, man-boy can now start playing with you, rather like a cat plays with a mouse. It makes him feel powerful to see you cry, make you beg, drive you crazy. He likes having that level of control over your emotions. Because he lacks empathy and compassion he is shallow and ego-driven. Probably narcissistic and quite possibly a bit sadistic too. Like the child who enjoys torturing insects.

I'm so sorry for you that this man-boy happens to be the father of your child and things must seem so tough right now. But believe me ultimately he will be the loser. You have started on an amazing journey which will change you and enable you to develop and grow. Bringing up a child is one of the most rewarding jobs ever and the relationship is for life and hugely satisfying. One of the best things I ever did by far was bring up my children. Better than any job ever.

Man-boy will continue to shirk responsibility, play games, lodge his cock, look for narcissistic supply and try to mess with you head. Don't let him! I completely understand how disappointed you must feel with him and how you want to punch his lights out. Believe me, I've been there and I wasn't even pregnant. I would quite happily have strung up soon to be ex alongside man-boy catalyst and let the vultures devour them both. (Now I have quite a weird picture in my mind...)

But I promise you that with the right support network around you can enjoy (nearly) every minute of this new and exciting journey. Take the high road. It is man-boy's loss. He will be stuck with his childish games and petty behaviour while you enrich and enhance your life with this new journey.

Have you ever seen any of dating guru Matthew Hussey's youtube videos? One of the best ones is about the MPI guy. Which stands for Minimum Possible Investment. That's what your ex is doing. He pops up just to make sure he is still in your head and then disappears and smirks while you rant and rave. I know that's what they do because mine did the same. He even got his flying monkeys to spy on me to watch my reaction and I think they all went off and had a w*, metaphorically if not literally. Pathetic, absolutely pathetic. Some people have no moral compass whatsover and get their kicks by manipulating other people. Once you've seen through them, you start learning how to avoid them, or at least not be manipulated by them. You might even start sniggering yourself as their boorish behaviour becomes so obvious.

You are so doing the right thing by cutting contact. You need to go boring 'grey rock' (with him) and if you do have any communication - over the baby - just be very boring. Given how he has behaved I think YOU should decide when and if he sees the baby. Why let him decide? It just plays into his game. Take away the power from him and take it yourself. Deny him the drama which he has probably been thriving on (his life is probably quite boring - after all he has disengaged from an experience that for most people is all-embracing and life changing).

It is HIS loss. He will not learn and grow and develop a wonderful relationship with his child and the mother of his child. He will have pointless cock-lodging unsatisfactory flings with women who have not yet enlightened themselves. He is sooooo missing out on becoming a person that he or indeed you and your child can be proud of.

Be warned - as you get your life together and become a nice little family of two with a support system around you, you will inevitably eventually attract a non MPI guy (you will now be enlightened) - one who wants to invest in you and your child. All well and good.

Guess who will then suddenly appear in a puff of smoke and profess dying love? He may even be on bended knee with a large diamond ring (I admit I am getting carried away here....lol!) Your MPI guy will probably be thinking that you will never be able to meet someone else because: 1. you have a baby on your own and, 2. he has messed with your head so much that you are incapable of getting into a decent relationship.

Make sure you prove him wrong on both counts He hasn't been there for you and has failed to support you when you needed him so it's now up to you to protect yourself and your boundaries. You now hold the cards. When he decides to worm his way back into you or your child's affections (which he will do if he sees you getting on with your life successfully) then you can decide, on your own terms, exactly what role, if any, he might have in your child's life. By doing this you will be giving your child a very useful lesson in maintaining healthy boundaries.

@Baby congratulations!!!! I imagine you are exhausted now but so happy he is here! You have done the best you can about informating your NC. Try to forget about him now and focus on your little one, if he wants to make contact he can do and you have made it clear the door is open. That’s all you can do!

I had a lovely holiday thank you! Was nice to be away and relax. I have ended all communication with my friend, she is determined to force me and my NC back together but I can’t be controlled and manipulated into it. It’s over and it’s a shame. I have other things going for me, I passed another exam and my running is going great plus seeing someone new so my life is moving forward whether they are in it or not.

@Tictactic long time no see! Have a lovely holiday as well!! Ouch - did you get injured during the race or before? Luckily not happened to me in a race but have had my back go mid training run and awful trying to get back to the finish.
I imagine my friend is desperate for me to be back with NC so that we can do double dates again like we used to. Used to spend most evenings and weekends with them. It’s not happening.
Running guy took me to a sculpture park and for ice cream on Sunday the day after I got home from holiday and had a lovely time, we then went out for coffee on Wednesday. He is taking his time with me and not pushing me to do anything I don’t want to which makes a change. He is away this weekend camping and I won’t see him until next week now, I kind of miss him. I just feel a bit awkward about people finding out, he is shy around people which is why I held back at first with him. Now I know him he doesn’t shut up and is really funny. I shouldn’t care what other people think should I?

I’m really not in a good place today. I’m waiting for the police to contact me to say they’ve taken my ex in for a statement about last weeks assault on me - I’m a nervous wreck. Feel like I’m heading for a breakdown.

I dont know your story Pixi but hope you're okay. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat. From what you've said there you're definitely doing the right thing

I really want to contact my NC. I'm posting here instead in hope it will help!

@Dimael
Thank you!! Yeah I am truly shattered!! It's exhausting haha, also a greedy little boy! He's gained nearly a 1lb already!
He's incredible

Dad is just on another level.
I'm trying to remain focused but it's very hard, the hormones and everything... it really did get me the other day, but I'm talking about it to midwife and she's like don't bottle it up...

I tried again to talk to him, he's he's just not having any of it. I suppose it's getting back into the routine now of NC. And really sticking to it.... and also getting out of bad habits like searching his name in social media :(

I'm pleased you enjoyed he holiday :)
Oh it's such a shame she's doing that, I suppose you're better off.... but it does make you sad. But you know what's best for you. She doesn't and if she can't respect your wishes..... deffo not worth having around x

Hey All,

Despite being nastily outed I have decided that my need for support outweighs the abuse I received about posting.

Just catching up on everyone's posts, seems like there are a few newbies on here, welcome, hopefully this thread will provide support and encouragement.

@Dimael - hope you had a nice holiday. Your friend doesn't sound like a friend at all really and it's good that you can see that you were being manipulated. Great news on the running, I can't wait to be able to start back after the baby is here and congrats on dating, you sound like you're moving in the right direction.

@baby - it's such an exciting time for you and you're being so strong, I am really in awe. I am praying I'll feel this way when the baby arrives. How are you finding motherhood? Is it as amazing as everyone says? How are you finding lone parenting and do you have support IRL?

@Anxiety - try not to contact your NC if you can help it, if they don't reply it'll only make you feel worse. In the past I have sought validation from my NC responding to me and when he hasn't I have been left feeling really despondent.

@Pixi - that sounds horrendous, did the police come and take a statement? How are you feeling?

@butter - I re-read your post twice, I think that is so helpful and really does apply to my situation, I'm going to take a look at Matthew Hussey's videos.

I am deeply ashamed at myself for the past few weeks, I have acted like a complete idiot. For the past month NC (father of unborn child) and I have been in touch, had sex, spent nights together etc. He promised me he was no longer with the OW and I believed him; he was staying with me overnight so it was plausible it was over. He did finally come clean and told me that he'd been off and on with the OW, and some of the 'on' times he'd been with me and therefore had cheated on her.

He told me that he'd booked a vacation with OW and her children but due to their 'on/off' relationship had cancelled part of the trip and got a full refund. I was under the impression he was not going to go and more so convinced because he was pleading with me to give him one final chance.

His behaviour started to get a little erratic in the run up to the trip and he told me he felt guilty not going because her children were expecting him and she had shown him kindness when he had hit rock bottom (they had been seeing each other for 6 months!). He suggested going on the trip with the understanding as soon as it ended he would break it off with her for good and we could have a fresh start. Clearly I wasn't ok with this, I knew I'd struggle to deal with him playing happy families and also, I thought it was wrong of him to get closer to her children knowing he was going to extricate himself from the relationship.

My NC didn't have the guts to tell her he wasn't going (he hadn't told her he'd cancelled the trip) and didn't want to be the one making the decision not to go so he told her that he had been sleeping with me behind her back hoping that this would be enough for her to break things off with him once and for all. I told him it was gutless and unnecessarily hurtful and that knowing her like I did she would take him back due to her personal circumstances. I was right and she was willing for him to go nevertheless.

I spent the night with him on the eve of his departure and he said that if I fully committed to him he wouldn't go on the trip and instead we could go away and make a start on our lives together as a family. I said that as much as I had no empathy for the OW after what she had done to me I couldn't do that to her children because they truly were innocent in all of this. I told him to do what he thought was right, kissed him goodbye and left.

The day of departure he sent me a tonne of messages asking me to wait for him, that he wished it was me that was accompanying him on the trip and that he would be back for me and the baby in a week and not to worry. I had major reservations and didn't want to get my hopes up. He text me every single day during his trip and told me how he loved and missed me, that he still wanted the vision with me and to hang on in there. I was really struggling with the deceit and also the fact he was likely sleeping with the OW so I sent him a message telling him I couldn't do this, it was all too hard. He was angry and said he didn't want to break up, that this was all me, that I just needed to advocate for us.

I spent a day thinking about things, missing him and thinking what I could and could not deal with and today I sent him a text asking him why he had felt loyalty to OW's children and not his unborn child and I? He didn't respond and later blocked me. I called him and OW answered, he obviously did this to hurt me and I'm not sure why because I'd been so lovely to him even in my break up message and we both promised each other that this time whatever happens we would be kind and loving to one another.

I sent a reply to one of his emails where he professed his usual undying love for me and copied in OW and attached his messages from the sailing trip. I actually feel bad for doing that now but I was so upset.

I feel like a total shit and am missing him tonnes. Aargh!

@butterballs9 I just re read the comment you put about how he'll just do me over. It gave me a little self respect today. I saw him online again and felt tempted. But I held out.

@Didsomeonesaybunny you got outed?!? By posting here? Oh gosh :( how?
Motherhood - is hard work. Extremely tiring but worth it.
He is amazing in two weeks he has changed so much, it's true what they... blink and you miss it.
I'm still living at home right now, so my mum is incredible she been my rock and sanity so far.
Also - can I just say don't feel pressured for breast is best!! I'm two weeks in and ready to go into formula fully!! It's hard work!

I'm honestly sorry that all this is happening, and I know you so badly want him there for you both, but he keeps showing you that he's a fuckwit and won't ever commit to you. He's lied constantly, and given you false hope. You don't need that. He's gone away with another woman!! Yet is or was texting you- he's doing the same when he's with you. Don't try to make it work that 'happy family' it won't happen. Honestly you'll love little one so much you won't even consider you NC.
Focus is on you and that unborn baby. You don't need him. You just want him -
No shame in that

I've resisted the urge to contact my NC again.
He's not in the country apparently
But is able to follow girls on insta
Post things on Facebook
And be actively talking to whoever
Yet hasn't asked his sons name.

Don't be me. Don't fight and fight for someone that doesn't really care and just lies.

Honestly your worth more and you should see that. Let him have his life. You don't want your baby having a dad that's there and then isn't

I've resisted the urge to contact my NC again.
He's not in the country apparently
But is able to follow girls on insta
Post things on Facebook
And be actively talking to whoever
Yet hasn't asked his sons name.
--

Well done! I promise you that his past will catch up with him. Any woman with self-esteem will give a very wide berth. It is the lowest of the low to give so little time and attention to his son. Even if he doesn't want to remain in a relationship with you, he is behaving in a despicable way. As I disentangle myself from my long term relationship I find myself thinking about how I will do things differently next time (if there is a next time!) I thought I had quite a good radar for avoiding douche-bags but soon to be ex's behaviour over the past few years has shown me that my radar was not as good as it could have been. Or perhaps he just changed.

I would walk a million miles away from a man who abandoned a child. He could be the most handsome, rich man in the world but I would not touch him with a barge-pole. There is such a thing as karma.

I have been a long time lurker on this thread. It honestly got me through some really dark times.

babyblue32 Watching your journey has been an inspiration to say the least. You're doing so well I have nothing but admiration for the way you have handled all of this. He's off his sodding rocker and you can do so much better.

didsomeonesay Jesus, he sounds like another joy. What is it with them. I have been close to sending something to my ex's new flame today but registered on here instead. Much more productive I hope.

butterballs You give such good advice. I'm hoping some of it rubs off on me.

literary how are you getting on? I always loved reading your posts.

So i'm here. Day 6, no contact for the second time, with a man who was out getting laid whilst I was in hospital recovering from a bilateral mastectomy. If that's love I can do without it and I will not let him drag me down again. I will not, I will not, I will not.

@Snakelips
I can only think he's got something wrong with him mentally to kind of accept how he's been.

Well done on the NC, what an absolute toss pot. What kind of person does that to someone? Honestly what's wrong with these men? Where do we find them? It's like there's a special section of absolute dicks that we seem to be drawn to.
😬😬😬

@butterballs9 thank you!
I sat today and someone asked me if I sent any photos to him.... which I haven't. My WhatsApp pic of baby and me but you can't see it much... so I know he would of seen it..
It's little things.
Some days I'm ok.
Ither days I want to be mad and call his name or so everyone knows.

I don't want a relationship with him, I realised that recently (may time) and that I only wanted him there for his son..... when I said that... that we didn't have a relationship he seemed offended and annoyed that I thought that... since then he's backed off even more.
Now he doesn't say anything at all. Ever.

I contacted cms so hopefully something will come of that x

@babyblue32
I am astounded. He must have some family members who know about the baby? Where do they come into it? Surely they must be asking him wtf is going on?

I am having a little struggle with social media stalking. I do know this way lies only pain but I can't seem to stop. I only see things that I don't care about or that devastate me. Has anyone got any ideas/experience of how I can get a bloody grip of myself and stop this?

@Snakelips
His family have no clue. I've never met them. We weren't together long when I fell, so he'd met my parents but not me his.
He reckons people knew/know... but I know they don't. All I know is his family surname.... I wanted to be crazy and look for his family. But wouldn't achieve much.

Either block him on all social media, or you log out of yours a few days....

I still look at my NC I only annoy myself

@babyblue32
Well he knows the baby is here. The rest is up to him. It's strange how some people can just bury their head in the sand. He's a father and should start acting like one. Regardless if you are together or not.

I've blocked him already but I have access to our works account and sometimes the temptation is too much.

He persuaded me to unblock him on whatsapp and had almost convinced me I had overreacted about the OW until I saw he had taken her away for the weekend just gone. He was sending me bloody heart emojis on Tuesday and dicking her on Friday.

So i'm back to not eating, crying at the most inopportune moments and flinging myself around the bed all night. I am trying to think of the weight loss as a bonus but it's sodding hard to think of anything except those 2 having a ball.

Sorry for the rant. It is stopping me contacting him and giving him a piece of my mind or worse contacting her and showing her the messages from last week.

Day 8
Positives - I haven't messaged him - I've booked yoga and acupuncture, I can almost get my post chemo hair in a bobble.
Negatives - crying all the bloody time, still not sleeping or eating, stalking

@Snakelips
I think that's what I struggled with throughout my pregnancy - him not seeing how important this is. I've made less effort and not stressed myself out now baby is here. I think having little man here with me made me see that I can't force him to be around. You're right the rest is up to him. I can't do anymore

Oh that's the worst, being tempted and persuaded. It's he hardest thing. It's such a hard cycle to break
Checking up
Sending messages
Stalking media
Wanting to tell the world about him
Finding focus
Being strong
Then having it broken to have to re start all again

You're better off without, you know that.
Let his devil dick fuck Someone else up!! You're worth more than the shit.

This page is here for us to rant!!
So vent away... it's not as active as it was but someone will always get back.

Crying and not eating is a standard thing, it'll pass!

Good for seeing the positives!! Focus on that
The negatives are so good, they will get so much easier and you'll wonder why you cried about him so much..

❤️ be strong

@babyblue32
He must have got himself into a state a denial. Just pretending it's not happening or has happened to someone else. Or he's just a total tit. What was his relationship with his family like? Did he talk about them?

I'm just angry with myself. I knew what was going on despite his constant denials and I just don't understand why he kept contacting me begging to be in my life in any way when all the time he was chasing her.

He has done me a favour really as this is the first time I have accepted it is truly over. No more hanging around waiting for him to throw me a few crumbs.

I am just trying to get on with it. Arranged loads of things so I'm pretty booked up until my next surgery. I just need to learn not to cry when anyone asks whats going on. I will get through this, I will, I will, I bloody well will.