NC (No Contact) Thread #12: Realising our self worth and reclaiming our lives free from fuckwittage

[LiteraryDevil]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found <a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.baggagereclaim.co.uk" target="_blank">www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

I haven't been following the thread as I've been away.
I've been back from an amazing holiday and had a holiday romance. I'm feeling so empty now I'm home. It was an absolute whirlwind and now I'm feeling very flat. There is no chance anything will come of it as he is the other side of the world.
I checked my NC Facebook and he updated profile pic. He is moving on too.
I seem to be getting stong feelings for guys quite quickly. I fell or my NC earlier on the year and holiday romance was such a strong connection. Do I have to get over it all over again? I feel so empty. I can't stop thinking about him. I don't regret it though

Hoping everyone is ok on here, I can see the thread has been quiet so hoping that means you’ve all been wonderfully distracted.

@baby - thanks for the tips, I’m going to try and BF but I’m going to be realistic and switch to formula if need be because it’s such hard work.

I told the OW everything, it’s odd but I don’t think she really cared very much, I really do question her morals. It’s become almost a battle of wills between us and I’ve actually suggested on multiple occasion that we should meet up but she refuses. May take the heat out of things if she did but I can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do. She hates me but she should vent her anger at the root cause - him. I was secretly glad that the sailing holiday didn’t go well, he’s not very tolerant of other people’s kids.

I’m so glad the baby is doing well, I bet the time is flying, enjoy every precious moment. Do you find that the baby distracts you in a way you were not distracted before or, as it made things all the more painful knowing he is not engaging even though the baby has arrived? So glad you have your mum for support, hopefully you have lots of other people around you too. Is the baby sleeping for you?

@snake - well done for not contacting the OW that is seriously impressive. I managed to hold off telling her everything for two months but then had my outburst. It was actually easier seeing him/being in touch whilst she was with him because I had no expectations. With respect to the stalking I have been there myself. It always left me feeling shit and really rather bereft. I rationalised that knowing stuff made things worse for me and really hindered my progress, plus, photos can be deceptive and are not always the happiness personified that the smiles will have you believe. You deserve more than crumbs, it sounds like he has boomerang between the two of you, I don’t really understand how people can do that.

Last week I spent pretty much the entire week with him. It was lovely. I met some of his work colleagues and we spent the weekend in Bristol to look at places to live together which is in the middle of where we both live. It was completely his idea and I just went along for the ride not really expecting that much. He suggested we marry so that the baby is born into a committed relationship, I think this is foolish and told him as such but it hasn’t stopped him sending me a load of tiny wedding venues. I told him everything needed to slow down.

I love him but have a gnawing feeling thia just isn’t going to work hence my reluctance to take him back full on. I told him I was just going to see how we were over the next few weeks.
Hoping everyone is ok on here, I can see the thread has been quiet so hoping that means you’ve all been wonderfully distracted.

@baby - thanks for the tips, I’m going to try and BF but I’m going to be realistic and switch to formula if need be because it’s such hard work.

I told the OW everything, it’s odd but I don’t think she really cared very much, I really do question her morals. It’s become almost a battle of wills between us and I’ve actually suggested on multiple occasion that we should meet up but she refuses. May take the heat out of things if she did but I can’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do. She hates me but she should vent her anger at the root cause - him. I was secretly glad that the sailing holiday didn’t go well, he’s not very tolerant of other people’s kids.

I’m so glad the baby is doing well, I bet the time is flying, enjoy every precious moment. Do you find that the baby distracts you in a way you were not distracted before or, as it made things all the more painful knowing he is not engaging even though the baby has arrived? So glad you have your mum for support, hopefully you have lots of other people around you too. Is the baby sleeping for you?

@snake - well done for not contacting the OW that is seriously impressive. I managed to hold off telling her everything for two months but then had my outburst. It was actually easier seeing him/being in touch whilst she was with him because I had no expectations. With respect to the stalking I have been there myself. It always left me feeling shit and really rather bereft. I rationalised that knowing stuff made things worse for me and really hindered my progress, plus, photos can be deceptive and are not always the happiness personified that the smiles will have you believe.

Last week I spent pretty much the entire week with him. It was lovely. I met some of his work colleagues and we spent the weekend in Bristol to look at places to live together which is in the middle of where we both live. It was completely his idea and I just went along for the ride not really expecting that much. He suggested we marry so that the baby is born into a committed relationship, I think this is foolish and told him as such but it hasn’t stopped him sending me a load of tiny wedding venues. I told him everything needed to slow down.

I love him but have a gnawing feeling thia just isn’t going to work hence my reluctance to take him back full on. I told him I was just going to see how we were over the next few weeks. I don’t want to put my child’s welfare in jeopardy and worry having him in our lives could be detrimental.

@tictac - sometimes a distraction is good, it’s all part of the healing process. I do think meeting someone helps you move on. Are you on any dating sites?

@Snakelips
Maybe a state of denial, or just now he's decided to act like none of this is really happening.
I know little about his family.
I know his father left his mother and married another women and had children. He sees his father as he's in London. Apparently his mother is in Canada and she raised him, but he was also raised by his grandparents for a time.

Some men enjoy the chase, trying to win you back as hard as they can. Then all of a sudden it's like ... nah I'm good. So you're left hanging again.
You will get over it! You'll see in a few weeks or months that you're coping so much better. It gets easier with time I suppose.

@Tictactic
Oh a holiday romance!! That sounds nice! Even though nothing may come of it / its a step away from your NC . I think sometimes you can feel like your falling for someone quickly, but you just have to kind of remind yourself it's new and you don't know them... have a guard. But not too much.
It's shit when they move on, because you don't want them too, and wish it was yourself that was moving on!
The whole thing is hard :(

@Didsomeonesaybunny
I'm still BF, but topping up with formula . He does not sleep at all 😅 maybe two hours at a time... if he feels like.
I find that now he's here, I'm more focused. Before it was all about my NC even through pregnancy my NC came first because I wanted it to work out. But now LO is here, I realise who should be first... and I realise they LO is everything and he doesn't need a dad that doest care. I've had a few days I've cried over NC and wanted to talk to him and wanted him to ask about baby. But I refuse to waste time now. It's his loss.

The ow is probably angry and upset but won't show that to you, she probably thinks you a bad on in this. Your NC seems to have decided what he wants.., be cautious from what you've said he wants one thing then another thing.

@babyblue32 - That all sounds a bit dysfunctional . Perhaps there lies the answer? I think you've really dodged a bullet. You sound so grounded your son is very lucky to have you. You sound so positive now it gives me hope.

@tictatic - It's hard when you have been through so much. It's almost as if you are in a heightened emotional state. I cry if someone looks at me funny. And that really isn't like me.
FB stalking is the bane of my life. Why do we do it? We know it's only a projection of what they want people to see but still we do it and hurt ourselves.
At least you have someone else to think about now. Does the holiday romance have anyway of contacting you?

@didsomeonesaybunny
Bloody nora. What is going on there? So he is definitely not seeing the OW anymore? You must be so torn I can't even begin to imagine.

I realised today she's not the OW; she's his girlfriend and I am just someone he used to know. How the hell did this happen. I can't stop thinking about them together. I wish there was a way to erase memories.

@baby - oh dear at the lack of sleep, that cannot be easy and certainly not as a lone parent. Hopefully he will settle into a pattern soon, I hope so. Topping up with formula sounds like a good idea, friends of mine tell me that formula fills the baby up for longer and they sleep better.

It must be difficult for you because I bet there is so much you want to share with him, even the small stuff. It's also nice to have the support even though you have family around you I guess it's not the same as your ex, I have certainly felt that throughout my pregnancy. I do think the pregnancy pre and post-natally makes your hormones go crazy, I was in tears when he was rubbing lotion into my bump on the weekend, silly really but it meant everything to me. You are right it is his loss and when you are ready someone amazing will come along and hopefully he will be a far and distant memory. Have you got in touch with the child maintenance agency? Also, you could also make a schedule 1 application if he's self employed or you think he has other assets.

Yes the OW likely is upset, I don't really blame her after what he has done but she always blames me and not him, it's nuts really. I attempted to show her kindness last week but she threw it back in my face, she didn't deserve my kindness but I thought I'd be the better person. She is a game player of the highest order and I have noticed that since my guy has been involved with her his behaviour has become worse and his morals are questionable these days. I feel sad at the state of his life and what he now accepts as normal.

@snake - sending hugs. You need distractions and lot's of them I think and post lot. Venting does help in my experience. The problem with these guys is that they have a way of always coming back and I think we hope for that deep down.

No he's not seeing her, I think he actually hates her, some of the stuff he's said and done make me think that way anyway. If he were seeing her then I'm sure she would have had something to say about his disappearing act over this weekend. I can't commit to him though, I just don't feel ready and even if he did go back to the OW momentarily it would only be for some company and shit sex. I probably ought to be bothered by that but I'm not, I know who he loves it's just whether I can get my head around everything that has happened.

He told me today he wants to be a husband to me and a father to the baby but that he needs me to give him the opportunity to prove it, I am scared that if I let my walls down he will break my heart again. He is a fan of convenience and this woman lives a stones throw away from him and keeps turning up at his flat unannounced like a stray cat. He is moving anyway so that may help.

I am feeling really positive today and am sending you all positive vibes, we have each other and we do not need men, it may hurt like hell at the moment but we can do this because we are made of strong stuff!

@babyblue32. It was amazing. He is younger and American and I met him on the plane. It so happened he didn't live far from where i was staying. Everything about him felt right. I could be myself and it all felt so natural. He literally swept me off my feet. I can stop thinking about him and looking at his picture. Nothing will come of it.. Yes too young for me, different life stages etc etc So I feel low again. We have each other's numbers and are friends on FB. He has moved me on from my NC and I'm pleased now it ended with NC. The fling made me realise there are others who I'm better suited to. He obviously liked me to as he said he felt we are a good match.
@snakelips. Yes an amazing experience that isn't going to go anywhere. We have each other's numbers and are FB friends.
I didn't realise there would be someone out there who is such a match! I thought my NC was 'The one' but now realise he wasn't.
I'm back from the supermarket albeit jet lagged and walking around in a daze thinking about him. I guess reality will set in when I'm back to work. I know what you mean about heightened emotional state. its awful isn't it. I don't think I realised just how stressed I was. I live my life in a constant state of stress it Seems as a single parent. Despite trying my best to have hobbies, keep fit, maintain friendships. I've lived alone with my son for 9 years now. Will things ever improve? this is my 2nd NC thread.

@Snakelips
Yeah, I mean if you read his POF profile, he claims he was brought up by a single mother, saw her treated badly, and knows exactly how to treat a woman 🙄 yah alright.
I feel more grounded now, my crazy side came out through pregnancy that's when I found the NC thread. If I didn't have the ability to come here and vent..... I probably wouldn't of coped as well.
You'll get to the positive part eventually, it takes a lot. I tell myself everyday that it's not worth making myself feel so shit over him.

@Didsomeonesaybunny
He sleeps for two hours at a time 😖 it's hard. And wind is a nightmare- sorry not selling it lol. Worth it though.

Pregnancy brings out all the feels, it's a rollercoaster.

I find I'm ok doing it alone, (single) but I wish I had his dad around. I don't want to be with him, I just want him to bond. But that's not going to happen, I stop myself thinking about how great it would be if he was in his life, and focus on what it is now.

The OW is pissed, and no doubt she'll be trying to get him back. Just be cautious don't let him fool you.

@Tictactic
Yay!! I'm happy for you! Even though nothing has come from it. You be taken a step forward let someone in! You enjoyed it and that's what it's all about! You can do that with someone else! ❤️💙

@babyblue32. thanks! why can't I be happy? be happy I've experienced 'it' again? I'm not sure I've felt the way he made me feel since my first love. Nearly 30 years ago!! I've been listening to Matthew Hussey and his take on holiday romance. Basically, I should be happy I've experienced it and it should show I can have the same but closer to home. I don't feel that way though.
sorry I'm not giving much back.. some newbies that i don't know the backstory of.
@Dimeal. how are you? are things still happening with running guy? are you no contact with the 'friend?'

So after a shitty down day yesterday I’m determined today will be different! Well, I can try eh...?
Hope everyone’s ok. 👍🏻

@Pixikitten. Not sure of your backstory.
Yes, keep going and keep trying. It's a slow process but it passes. How long have you been NC?

Hi everyone hope you don't mind me joining, today is 4 days no contact for me after about 3 weeks of my now ex partner not being able to decide what he wanted, so i cut contact on monday. Does anyone have any tips for on a morning? it always seems to be the hardest time for me. We were together for 6 years.

@didsomeonesaybunny - It does sound really positive and you can't live your life dwelling on the past. There's 2 of you to think of now.

@babyblue32 - They look so good on paper don't they? Mine was one step down from a saint. Always talking about values.

@tictactic - I think you needed that fling to realise there is life after NC and he's not that special. You will meet someone when you are ready.

@lookingforhelp1000 - I know it's horrible but you need to put your big girl pants on and make that decision for him. For me also mornings are the worst. I wake up then instantly remember. The thing that has helped me most is Yoga. It helps to quieten my monkey mind and focus on something else even for a short time.

Well I have heard from the lying, cheating, big nosed twat. Just a general how are you doing message. I think he was fishing to see if I knew about his romantic weekend. I replied in a very polite and vanilla way so then he sent me another reminding me it was our anniversary last week. Where do they get the front?! I know I shouldn't have replied but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing i'm bothered enough to stalk them. So i'm back to day 1 - again. But I didn't cry so i'm still counting it as progress.

@Snakelips
Aha don't they just, mine was all like I want family and someone to settle 🙄 it happens and they run.
Pah
Asif he went off for a weekend with someone then texts you telling you it's your or would of been your anniversary 😐 jeez.
Least you haven't cried that's a good thing!! Just re focus I guess now

@lookingforhelp1000
You'll be ok, it's the routine change that's hard. The not talk everyday. I found the mornings hard too, I was waiting for my good morning texts and the usual morning talk, it took a while to get over that. You'll get there. You have to keep telling yourself why you've ended it and why your NC. Xx

@snakelips yes it is horrible hardest decision i've had to make but know im doing it for myself in the long run, even if right now i feel like I’m only doing it in hope he will realise he wants us to work. Funny you should say Yoga my mum has persuaded me to join up to her Yoga class so i will definitely give that a go.

Well done on not crying, we really have to count these little things as progress, last night was the first time i haven't dreamt about EX in weeks and im counting that as progress.

@babyblue32 yes you are right it is the routine change, its hard because he was keen to stay in touch and be friends but i would always want more, talking would just make things worse & i can’t wait around in hope he will choose me. xx

@snakelips. Things happen for a reason yeah? What I'm struggling with is following divorce I've had lots of flings and 2 relationships around a year. I want something long term. Is this my path to the right person?
You're right though. Even though my NC was a few months it was intense and I was full of hope. When it ended I was floored. My holiday flings just made me melt. I'm feeling a bit better now and he has messaged a few times, just niceties, there is an 8 hour time difference. Hard to not hold on as may never happen again.
@babyblue32. sounds like you're doing amazingly well with your LO. You're a strong woman. The LO a good focus and distraction.. you will get through this. It's his loss

Hey, Can I join in? Finally chucked the towel after a disastrous year with someone who I now realise didn't love or respect me at all. I ended up being a horrible, needy, paranoid mess. To be fair I am also awaiting a mammogram as I've found a lump and I think that's what's made me suddenly see how detached from me he actually is.
Embarrassingly, I found myself swinging between telling him to get lost and craving a hug. So, today, I have stepped away from the phone.

@babyblue32 - Mine was forever hinting about getting married. I was never interested in it. Do you think it's just some sort of projection as if they think thats what you want to hear? And he took her to the city where we first met. The bastard.

@lookingforhelp1000 - Look at it as playing the long game. And men are simple creatures, the less interested you are the more interested they are. Did something significant happen? What is he deciding between.

@tictactic - Try to look at them as steps to 'the one' I think the hard part is missing the man you thought he was. Not the man he is.

@ shouldiwouldilietoyou - Something like 87% of tumours are benign. It took me discovering I had breast cancer to see him for what he really was. I learnt a worthwhile lesson last year. There are 2 types of people. 1 who ask you how you are and when you say 'i'm doing well' they say great and move on. The other type respond to your 'i'm doing well' by asking when you last ate, when you last vomited, when you last left the house then turning up on your doorstep with supplies and support. You can guess which type my NC was and I promise you're better off without them. He made a horrific year so very much worse.

@snakelips - Nothing significant in my eyes. About a month ago he questioned if we were truly happy together or if we had just got into a routine, but said he wasn’t going to turn his back on 6 years together.

We tried to sort it out for two or three weeks but he seems more interested in going out on a weekend and getting drunk. He's also been taking steroids and recently come off of them and he said they've messed with his head. He admitted he's only just started having these thoughts about us since the steroids.

He said he didn’t expect me to wait for him but he doesn't know what he wants, and knows this can all backfire on him. I gave it all i could in trying to make things work between us but decided Monday enough was enough.

@babyblue32 i have just read this thread from the start and you have given me hope its admirable to see how far you've come from the beginning of this thread, and congrats on your new baby boy!

@snakelips that's reassuring - thanks for lifting my spirits. I'm really sorry to hear you've been through it. You are so right about there being 2 types of people. His reaction has been... no reaction really. Life as normal. I was never happy with the amount of time we spent together (very rarely more than once or twice a week) but when I just wanted to hug and talk about my fears he took over a week to come and see me after I first told him.
Zero emotional investment. I decided that facing it alone would be less stress than having a flaky, half-assed boyfriend stressing me about whether he'd even stick around...
What stage are you at now? Has it been a year since your diagnosis? You seem so strong

I'll need to find time to sit down and read the thread to get an idea of where you are all at

@shouldiwouldilietoyou - sorry to hear you having to go through this and your NC hasn't been there for you. Reading the thread has really made me feel quite strong, so many women all feeling the same emotions and helping each other through it.

@lookingforhelp Thanks. I really liked him for some unfathomable reason... He didn't do it very often but when he chose to be nice to me he really made me feel special :(

I wrote a list today of good points and bad points... all my doubts written down. And I found it very hard to think of anything positive.

@Tictactic As sad as saying goodbye to the holiday romance look at it positively- you met a man who made you forget your NC and proved that you will move on and have feelings for someone new. Perhaps that’s why fate brought this man to you. Not tone your big love but to be a lesson.

I’m still seeing running guy, he is so thoughtful and lovely. He is there when I need him and he plans really great things for us to do. However I am not 100% convinced. I don’t have feelings for him yet like I should and I know if this doesn’t change soon I have to walk away. I know I don’t love my NC anymore and I barely think of him which is great but maybe I have to be alone for a while. It sounds silly to walk away from a good man though just because he is a little shy and awkward at times. I’m also NC still with my friend and I don’t miss her!!

@baby how are you and how is baby doing?

@dimael that's a shame as he sounds so lovely but, having been on the receiving end of that I think it's a very noble thing to do. It's sometimes easier to go with the flow especially if your needs are being met. I could really kick myself for being so stupid...

(Where is he based? )

@Dimael
Good to hear from you!! Glad things with running man are going well, ticking all the right boxes then! But the feelings thing is deffo one that's most important... I suppose maybe give it a little more time? But being alone is good, sometimes you need to be single and not talking to someone to really get where you're at.
I'm well thanks, very tired lol, sleepless nights are tough. Baby is good too, he's honestly lovely. sleeps and eats a lot / so that's me haha! Looks just like his dad.

@Snakelips

It's 💯 about them telling you what they think you want to hear. Mine used to tell me he wanted kids and wanted to try and I kept sitting and saying no. It's too early you need to chill. But he kept saying things he thought would keep me or make me feel like OMG he caresZ which you don't actually realise is crap until you walk away.

Taking her to where you went / he's got no ideas and can't plan so does something he's already done! Lazy.

@lookingforhelp1000
Thanks!! It's taken me to have baby, to realise I shouldn't try as much!!! Or that I shouldn't try at all really. I last message my NC two weeks ago. Telling him his son was here!

@shouldiwouldilietoyou
Pros and cons always work!
Your handwriting it lovely as well 😂
How you doing?

Today - I've been thinking about NC a lot. Thinking about should I reach out one more time? I stop myself each time, I don't want to stress over it.
Also / my friend has decided that she's going to air him in social media.... 😂 which I like the idea of and I don't! But I suppose people should be warned about men like this

@Dimeal. Hello! look how we are moving on hey? we should give ourselves a pat on the back for how far we've come since March. The wreck I was over Easter weekend. I know you're right, but this keeps happening. I meet unavailable men or the wrong ones. I couldn't say no to holiday guy.. it was all there..the connection, the attraction, the butterflies. On the other hand too young and different life stages. Maybe I should see it as a blessing and believe it exists. ❤
The OLD guy i wasn't sure about, I have binned. He keeps sending messages and has called twice despite me telling him it's not for me. I'll block shortly if e doesn't get the message.
Thoughtful and lovely.. sounds, well lovely. From what I gather he doesn't seem enough for you. I now don't settle for bits having experienced the feelings I did on holiday. It's great that you don't think of NC anymore and brilliant you've let go of that unhealthy friendship.
Maybe running guy is a transition for you too.. to move you along. Do you think he'd react ok if you ended it?