An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

[MrsRichardDeVere]

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

It's one thing checking the profile of a job applicant on SM and even that I think is a bit unfair because plenty of people are perfectly professional in their work but let their hair down at other times, but checking ex family members is completely different. Many ex partners put up derogatory comments and such about their ex, some of it true, some of it not true. i know perfectly decent blokes whose ex partners moan bitterly about them on FB yet are no angels themselves.

I agree Brenda. So far the only option I can see possibly being ok, is that the girl isn’t his and he felt so uncomfortable with that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me.

I've been stalked 4 times. Nearly killed on one occasion. Stop saying it's stalking - snooping perhaps but stalking is a serious crime.

I don’t want to jump to a dramatic explanation but maybe something sad has happened to the girl that he finds difficulty in discussing yet - he sees the boys as a part of his routine he so discusses them. Or they took in a young relative from the wider family. There will be a logical explanation.

OP - at 4 months you know nothing about him and his family history.
And the way you talk about ‘disclosure’ and giving him a ‘chance’ to do it - is just too much.
Not like he pretended he didn’t have children, or wasn’t in fact divorced.
You are acting wounded, as if he owns you something at this point, and didn’t deliver it.

At this early juncture - you checking up on his ex - just seems weird and stalkerish. Definitely overstepping - especially if you confront him with some expectation of ‘disclosure’ you feel he owns you.

Whatever his story is - if I were in his shoes - and a man did that to me - I’d leave immediately. People not respecting privacy boundaries - and especially related to kids - it’s suffocating and off putting.

MM, as I’ve said before OLD is murky. People create personas that are only partially true or sometimes completely false. It is full of married men looking for affairs and people trying to hide unsavoury pasts.

I think we owe people we are having a relationship with the truth, so they can decide if they can deal with that or not. I suspect I have not been give the whole truth - and there may be a good reason for that. I’m prepared to give him s chance to tell me. I think I’m being sensible and reasonable. I’m open to input - hence posting on here.

I have not crossed any privacy boundaries by looking at a public FB page.

I suspect you are righ SoupDragon. I can’t see an explanation that will be ok.

I think you missed the point. Even if it is OK, he might well dump you for going tophrough his XW’s photos.

At work we check the social media of job applicants

Do you also check the social media of their ex partners?

Nothing wrong with having a nosy at his ex and nothing wrong with admitting that to him...blimey! Might be a bit embarrassing but nothing weird about it.

If it was me I would just ask him next time you speak on the phone. Don't make it a big issue. If it was you, would you mind your new boyfriend asking you?

Soupy, I’d rather know. I’m going to give him a chance to tell me but if he doesn’t I’m comfortable with telling him I looked at his ex-wife’s profile. If that’s a deal-breaker for him, fair enough - it’s a risk I’m prepared to take not to be with someone who is lying or somehow involved in s severely dysfunctional relationship with one of his children.

I was going to ask if she could be the 15 year old's girlfriend, but then you mentioned the "lined up in school uniform" thing, making it unlikely.

You're right to be concerned and you're right to want an explanation.

What does your gut tell you? How recent was the most recent photo with the girl in? (Haven't RTWT by the way so may have missed some answers) As others have said maybe something happened that he is just not ready to talk about at this early stage in the relationship.

Ex wife had an affair and got pregnant, as has been suggested. That's the only plausible explanation.

Are you sure she’s not the ex wife’s stepchild? Or could she be a child from a family member that she is looking after eg a friend of a friend tool in her sisters child when the sister died. Could it be something like that. If not, then he’s proper weird to be honest. Not saying he has a daughter? Vile. Really vile and totally no problem on Facebook snooping. The pics are there for all to see. It’s tough titties on anyone who doesn’t like it. Don’t like it, don’t use Facebook. Simples. He’s been caught red handed and saved you potentially years of stress and wasted time on a total liar and loser. Thank god for Facebook. All us women should post up stuff about vile exes so any new partner knows exactly what she’s getting into. It’s called Karma

Sorry, not read all the replies so might be repeating
Could the 'daughter' have been so upset by the split that she refused to see him? Might he have been too embarrassed to disclose this to you at the start and now wonders how to bring up why he did not tell you?
Open FB profiles and pics are 'fair game' and it's not odd at all to look. Who has not got sidetracked and looked at friends of friends profiles, lol. There's an app that lets you see who has looked at your profile, friends, friends of friends and strangers. The ex may well have looked at yours!

I was going to ask if she could be the 15 year old's girlfriend, but then you mentioned the "lined up in school uniform" thing, making it unlikely.

Oldest DD has had to he same best friend since nursery & both me & his mother have pics of them in school uniform from primary one until high school & subsequent children from both families were added as the years went on. We've also had lots of days out/holidays together over the years - looking at those pics & using OP's logic people might think I have 7 kids when I only have 3!

Entirely possible they split up after DC1, ExW had DC2, then got back together and had DC3

You could ask, next time he talks about the boys, if he ever wished he had a daughter. But if he doesn’t mention her after that where do you go from there.

Ooooh what’s that app third?

Small chance ex could have had an affair and not told him for quite a while that daughter wasn't his?
Explains them staying together and having 3rd child.

What do you think of him generally?
You don't sound very invested. Not that you perhaps should be at 4 months, but are you looking for a way out?

I would understand the fb profile checking in first week or two re safety, but to have decided to carry on dating someone beyond the first few weeks, then look up their history I think is a but odd.
Does something feel 'off' ?

Gut is a bit confused as he seems so ‘decent’ up to now BUT I have had the feeling I wasn’t getting everything about the break up and subsequent divorce. He is an over-sharer on everything but that. He said it was awful and had gone on over three years but was a bit tight lipped, which on the one hand is understandable but did seem slightly out of character for him.

I suspect that is why I looked at the ex-wife’s profile once I knew her name (in fairness I think he’d mentioned it before, I just hadn’t thought to remember it) I had a look to see if she was on FB.

Wow, you could be talking about my friend except the kids are younger. He had a boy first and during a brief split from his ex she got pregnant and had a girl. They got back together and he raised the girl as his own, and had another boy, but now they've split for good she won't let him see the little girl that's not his only the boys (the ex could be a whole other thread - utter witch). But he now has this family setup - two boys with his ex and a middle child that isn't his. He hardly ever mentions her because it's a really painful situation for him.

This is totally weird and I know alot of people are commenting saying it just be a reasonable explanation.
However when my aunt and uncle split up we found him on a dating site...
He clearly stated...
2 children both boys

They have 2 boys and youngest if a girl!

No logos reason why he did that but he down

Aunt was devastated he was even denying her existence in anyway.

I hope there is a reason but I can't really think of one.

I have to say I'm not sure how is feel if a new BF disclosed he had trawled through my Ex Hs social media.
I think I'd feel very uncomfortable with it tbh.

Perhaps his DD doesn't want to see him, so it's less painful to not mention her.