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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

321 replies

MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 10:57

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

OP posts:
Perfectway · 17/05/2018 07:46

So when you confronted him op he told you the truth straight away?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/05/2018 07:51

LOL Hmm at our ladies intuition. People lie and are very good at hiding what they don’t want others to see. But good for you you can tell someone with ulterior motives with a feeling in your waters StarUtopia.

Slartybartfast · 17/05/2018 07:52

No you are not Diana

LoveProsecco · 17/05/2018 07:55

Well done on walking away OP

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/05/2018 08:00

His parents would have told OP after 4 monthe of dating??? Probably she hadn't met his parents, don’t know anyone who meets the family after such a short period of dating.
Mates? Either his mates don’t know the truth or if he has any left they decided to believe him. What a strange way of viewing the world.

Bluebelle38 · 17/05/2018 08:08

Maybe be didn't want a long-term relationship and was living in the here and now, happy to deceive as long as his needs were being met in the short term.

Really pleased you found out now before you invested any more of your time into this guy.

YearOfYouRemember · 17/05/2018 08:10

Where's all the posters now who said the OP was out of order…

You'll be fine, MrsRDV. You trust yourself and it's saved you pain here by the sounds of it. Poor child though.

Slartybartfast · 17/05/2018 08:13

Well yes the op had intuition, which she followed

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 17/05/2018 08:18

Are you sure he sees his 2 boys? Maybe he just lies. And when you report it could you mention that the ex wife has her page open for anyone (including him) to see? Mind you, it was very lucky for you that her page was open.

Perfectway · 17/05/2018 08:26

I thought that re the two boys. Does he actually see them?

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 17/05/2018 08:43

He definitely sees the boys, he would send photos of the stuff they’d been up to on the weekends he had them. Couldn’t have been faked as the involved sporting fixtures and weather that were very specific and not fakable, IYSWIM.

When I initially offered him the chance to tell me what was missing from his story so far, he persisted in saying he’d told me everything. I had to press hard to get the truth - or at least some of it. Who knows what else there might be!

I don’t think he is a sex offender and I’m not sure what happened exactly with him and his daughter. What I know is that he is a liar, who built an edited construct of his life to deceive me and hide something.

I don’t want to date or have a relationship with someone like that.

Thank you for all the support, I’m ok, just very, very angry.

OP posts:
grandplans · 17/05/2018 08:55

Well done for listening to your instincts OP.

I also want to know where are the posters who said you shouldn't have taken reasonable precautions over your safety. Gone quiet now haven't they?

Ithappenedtomee · 17/05/2018 08:56

I'm going to share something that happened to me. Many years ago now I started a relationship with a man who appeared lovely. It was at a time when the internet was around, but most people just used it at work and looking up people on it wasn't even really thought of.

My relationship with this man ended after he was violent to me, and I later was contacted by an ex of his that told me he had been violent with her as well.

Years passed and I got on with my life, am happy, lovely partner etc. One evening I watched a TV programme on criminals and I thought of my ex and wondered what happened to him. Having seen his rage I believed he may have committed some crime by now.

What I found stunned and appalled me. Several years before we met he had been arrested for murder in another country. It had been all over the papers in both countries. He had been held there for some time but had eventually got off on a technicality. And yes, it was him, they named him and his home town, age and certain family members.

I still get shivers when I think how close I came to possibly being killed the night he turned on me.

Most definitely do your research.

BakedBeans47 · 17/05/2018 08:57

Wow OP, well done you for being on the ball and switched on. Smile

NurseButtercup · 17/05/2018 09:27

@Ithappenedtomee

Bloody hell Shock. Flowers

That's very scary, the worst I've had to deal with is forgotten wives and or girlfriends.

Ithappenedtomee · 17/05/2018 09:48

Nursebuttercup, I will never forget the moment I read the story. I was physically shaking. We were together a good while and his family had never said a thing. They weren't particularly close with him although one time at a family get together his sister got very drunk and was talking to me, not making much sense. He wanted to know after what she had been talking to me about. Obviously he was worried the truth would come out.

I suppose my point is don't expect family to reveal all either, they may not want to "get involved".

HeedMove · 17/05/2018 09:49

So what did he admit then just that he doesnt see her now. Maybe when they split she just didnt want to leave her mum and see him anymore and so he left out mentioning her as it hurts him. I have seen many posts on here where one kid doesnt want to go to contact anymore. That seems more likely when he still sees the boys than abuse of any kind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/05/2018 10:04

Still not the point though, is it. It's not the reason why he doesn't see his DD, it's the fact that he edited her out of his life entirely.

maymai · 17/05/2018 10:11

Could the girl be her sisters child she's bringing up, I'm sure there's a very good explanation as to why he's never mentioned her.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 10:13

@maymai that was suggested lots of times, and the OP has already found out there was not a good reason

TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 10:14

Whatever the reason he's a lying shit. The op is quite rightly decided he's not right for her.

Cheesenacho123 · 17/05/2018 10:39

Reminds me of a friends family members oh, married for years had two kids one of each sex from previous relationship and a son together in the recent relationship, ... was caught by their other half being a kiddy fiddler by viewing indecent photos on a laptop and getting off to it.

If it was me I would have done some digging if something felt off to me. Lucky escape OP

SpanielsAreNuts · 17/05/2018 11:57

Can I just raise "clare's law" it is a law designed to protect people from getting with someone who is a risk to you (and your childrens) safety.

If you Google it and your police force name, it will have instructions on what to do. It's a good idea to use it when a relationship starts to get more serious, just to be sure there is nothing horrific they have been caught doing in the past, that they are hiding from you.

Gorilly · 17/05/2018 12:32

... was caught by their other half being a kiddy fiddler by viewing indecent photos on a laptop and getting off to it.

Child abuser is probably a better way of putting it.

HollowTalk · 17/05/2018 12:34

Please don't use terms like "kiddy fiddler".