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Original poster

An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

321 replies

MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 10:57

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 11:49

No girl not dead, very recent posts with her in it.

I suspect you are righ SoupDragon. I can’t see an explanation that will be ok.

OP posts:
NekoShiro · 12/05/2018 11:50

Could she be the eldest but just look younger? You might be freaking out over nothing, and the whole looking up his ex wife through facebook when he's just mentioned her name in passing is a little intrusive, I get that it's easy to do nowadays but that doesn't make it right or healthy behaviour, if you bring it up with him and there's an honest easy explanation it's gonna be awkward and you could be poisoning the relationship yourself. But on the other hand he could be a dick whose lying about the amount of kids he has cus he thinks he'll have more of a chance with you then.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 12/05/2018 11:50

To be fair it has been a while since I dated but after only 4 months, to be searching for the ex wife on FB does to me seem odd.

Maybe it is the norm now though these days?. And now I feel like a right old fart for saying that!

Not sure how you can bring it up really, because I am pretty sure I would be put off by a fairly new partner if they admitted they had searched my ex on FB to do "background digging" on me.

It is an odd thing to have lied about.

Slartybartfast · 12/05/2018 11:52

of course it is stalking, being nosey about his ex wife

iheartmichellemallon · 12/05/2018 11:53

My friends ex pretty much ignores their DD but he still regularly sees their 2 DSs (ages 11, 9 & 5 - DD is the eldest). I've no idea if he tells people he has 2 children or 3, but he's a shit dad who treats the girl appallingly & has completely wrecked her self esteem & none of us can understand why as he was a decent dad when they were together & is good with the boys.

twistedpink · 12/05/2018 11:57

Your letting yourself jump to conclusions before asking, I'd do the same. However there could be a very reasonable explanation for it and your putting yourself through the stress for no reason. Ask him, your either going to get a bad or a good answer, but posting on mums net isn't going to help you find the truth, it's only going to put lots of other ideas in your head.
That is the only resolution to this!

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 12/05/2018 11:57

Maybe not "stalking" as such, although pretty off putting in all honesty

So yeah, her FB page is open, but you had to search for her, doing so as soon as he said her first name, and then from all appearances have trawled through YEARS of this woman's pictures. But that is apparently all normal. It all sounds exhausting.

mmmccccccxxx · 12/05/2018 12:02

I honestly can't see why he wouldn't mention it unless she has stopped speaking to her dad for some reason and it's just to painful to share with you ?

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 12:02

Bears, OLD is exhausting. If you knew how many married men masqueraded as single!!!!

I’m cautious and careful and want to protect myself so a quick look at a public page on social media seems sensible to me. No one else can look out for me, so I have to do it for myself.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 12/05/2018 12:03

You know what they say about eavesdroppers? same applies to stalking imo

dancingthroughthedark · 12/05/2018 12:06

Are you sure her age is between the 2 ? She could be the oldest and look younger or the youngest and look older. We have a tall willowy girl in out family who looks about 16 who is actually just 9.

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 12:09

Slarty, looking at a public FB page is not stalking and I’m glad I looked. I’d rather find bad stuff out now and end it than another 4 months down the line.

OP posts:
magnetiq · 12/05/2018 12:12

Who on earth has their photos public on Facebook?!

RedSkyAtNight · 12/05/2018 12:13

Has he explicitly said he only has 2 children, or it's just that he's only mentioned the boys in conversation?

After about 6 months after I'd last changed jobs, I discovered that a lot of a my colleagues thought I only had one child. apparently I either didn't talk about the other one at all, or they'd made assumptions based on the way I'd phrased things.

DianaT1969 · 12/05/2018 12:13

I think you were right to do some background checking. Most people would. In the OLD world, people can project the image and info they want you to know. It's risky to take it at face-value.
I don't think you have anything to lose now by saying "I was curious about your ex and noticed that her FB profile was public. Sorry if that seems stalkerish, but didn't want to be one of those women who finds out important stuff about an online relationship too late. She looks lovely and so do your boys. Anyway, I wanted to be honest and let you know I'd seen them. [pause]
Who is the girl?"

Slartybartfast · 12/05/2018 12:15

have you been to his house? does he have pictures up? can you ask for pictures?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 12/05/2018 12:15

my friend's dad used to deny that his daughter was his...
So they would get an Xmas card saying something like..to my sons and Susie...
Maybe he is playing some similar game?

AnnieAnoniMouser · 12/05/2018 12:16

Of course it’s not stalking. It’s considered ‘normal’ these days with OLD.

I’d be thrown too. I don’t think I’d wait a few days to ask him though, can you not FaceTime/Skype him?

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 12:18

Red, his OLD profile was explicit on number of children and their gender. He talks about them a lot.

Yes photos at house- none of a girl.

Thanks Diana. OLD is murky waters for sure.

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NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 12/05/2018 12:20

I don't understand why he'd lie. I think you're jumping to some strange conclusions. That child could belong to anybody. It could be a cousin of his children, it could be one of their friends, if could be one of his ex wife's friends children.

HarryElephante · 12/05/2018 12:20

If you're comfortable you are not stalking, just ask him straight up, telling him you have looked at his ex's FB page and have seen three children.

Pretty simple.

eurochick · 12/05/2018 12:22

I'd guess the girl wants no contact with him so some reason, so he doesn't mention her.

Eveforever · 12/05/2018 12:22

When my boyfriend was in hospital the nurse asked him in front of me if he had children, and he lied and said no. His son hasn't spoken to him for years, so instead of explaining that painful fact to people apparently he sometimes lies to people.

BikingBeatrix · 12/05/2018 12:24

Not rtft but is it possible the girl is daughter of her new partner, if she has one? Or niece (l’ve read enough to see others have suggested this)? Or NDN? You have to just ask him.

georgeisadinosaur · 12/05/2018 12:25

I know quite a few families who have a "seperate" middle child. A close friend of mine is the youngest of 3, his parents got together young and had a DC, split fairly soon after and both moved on. Her mother then had a child with a new partner, which didn't work out then she ultimatley got back with her ex and had my friend her youngest.

I would tread carefully as if its not what you think you might look a bit odd for "stalking".