An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

[MrsRichardDeVere]

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

If looking at peoples fb profiles is stalking I'm surprised there isn't a warrant out for my arrest!!! Some of you ladies are cray lol

twisted I think we are all likely to FB stalk now and again but in this situation if I was dating someone and they came out with something like I looked on xyz page and saw this etc. I'd find it quite off putting.

it is his EX wife
of course it is stalking

Stalking and being really nosy are not the same thing, however, saying that I would personally be a bit put off if I someone I dating felt the need to confirm what I'd been saying by looking at facebook etc. That's just me though, maybe your OH feels differently. The way DianaT1969 suggested you put things seems a good way to me, though I'd say nosy rather than stalkerish.

I will definitely ask and want to do it in real life, not Skype/ phone / text etc so it has to wait a few days.

Do you feel comfortable telling him you looked his ex wife up on facebook op? stalked had a nose at her profile? i understand you dont feel comfortable

Looking at public photos on FB is not "stalking" FFS!

ffs being nosey then, it is just terminology, no need to get hung up on it

My guess would be its the exes child and not his. Children do not always look their age, my boy looks 3 years younger, my daughter a few years older. She could easily be the oldest or youngest and from a different relationship. I don't think you would hide just one child.

t depends how he's mentioned them -" I am seeing my 2 boys at the weekend" is different to "i have 2 kids only"

It may be one of those family set ups where boys do stuff with dad, while girl does girly shit with mum?

I’ve seen it before where colleagues have talked about what they will do with their dd’s at the weekend, and i haven’t wven realised they have sons for ages.

No HughLawriesStubble, I won’t. That’s why I want to do it face to face. I want to give him the opportunity to disclose before I am forced to ask outright.

She's perhaps the oldest child and not his. Around puberty it's very difficult to tell how old a child is. I know a 15 year old who looks ten and vice versa

she could be away at uni?

Could ex wife have moved on and now has a step daughter?

sounds like she is not part of his family, a neighbour/cousin/ex wife child.

I have a girl and boy of 14 and 15, and over the years they have looked vastly different ages to each other if you see what I mean. I think the most likely explanation is that she is older or younger and not his.

Or he’s just a liar.

I think with OLD it’s more than acceptable to look through Facebook etc. There’s too many people pretending to be someone they’re not, to risk not checking

I can tell from first day at school photos that she falls between the two boys. They’re all lined up each year with uniform changes moving from primary to senior.

Who in their right mind leaves this stuff open for anyone to see is a separate question, as I obviously now know what school they go to - as would anyone else.

Stepchild?

She wont be adopted, you have to adopt a child at least 2 years younger than any existing children in the family and the ages of the boys suggests there is less than 2 years between.
Same with the explanation that they broke up, she had a child with someone else and got back together.

She may be younger. My friends DD in year 5 was 5"6 and developed and looked older than Ds until he hit 13 and puberty. They are only a few months apart! 11yo boys can also look much younger than you think they will.

And if she's the product of an affair it may be why the relationship broke down.

Thing is you have to decide what you want from him. If your willing for relationship to end bring it up bluntly - if you trust him and accept there may be another plausible explanation then I'd leave it and maybe encourage the conversation.

I am very surprised at the people saying that you shouldn't ask, just carry on. There are several explanations, but only a couple that I would be comfortable with in a potential life partner.

Next time you speak to him just casually ask if his wife has any other children. That's the point at which a stepchild or child from another relationship should be brought up.

If he says no, just the two boys, then it looks quite certain he is erasing his daughter from his life.