An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

[MrsRichardDeVere]

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

Sounds a very strange thing to lie about
Maybe the middle child doesn’t want a relationship with him and he stupidly didn’t want to explain and seem like a bad guy so just said he had two boys, so he didn’t have to go into it?

I think @eightfacesofthemoon explaination seems most likely.

You could be over thinking things. If he's a nice person try to trust him unless your gut instinct is taking over??

It would be a bit odd to say he had two kids when he actually had three. Surely if he was trying to 'hide' the fact that he had kids he wouldn't have told you about all 3 of them.

Is it possible that he's not the father of the girl? Or it's a cousin, or a child she does regular childcare for. Why are you so certain the girl is a sibling?

It's a bit nuts to think looking at FB is stalking. It's naive to think it's not normal to look people up on social media.

MrsRichardDeVere, you could just ask him straight who the girl is. But seeing she's not been mentioned his reaction might not be great. Plus isn't it a bit odd anyway to never mention an exs name?

how sure are you that it is a sibling and not cousin?

One possible reason might be that she isn't his, she's the product of an affair. This does happen, more often than people might realise.

But as others have said, you won't know unless you ask him.

Very strange. As others said why would you hide one child?

You'll never know unless you ask.

My sister dated someone who was uncertain how many children he had. Once confronted he lied and said she'd misheard.

He was a liar and a cheat and this was only the beginning of his gaslighting. Thankfully she's moved past it now but misleading her about how many children he had was the first red flag.

He had cheated on his wife and the ages of two of his children made this apparent. All the children had different mothers too.

I think denying a child's existence is vile.

You need to ask him outright.

If this is his child there is no reason for him to omit that she exists. None. Not even if she doesn’t want to see him.

As for finding the ex’s profile on fb, if it’s public then it’s fair game.

And the fact that after four months he has only just divulged the ex’s name and is himself not on any social media would ring alarm bells for me. No he doesn’t need to constantly talk about the ex by name but if there are plans for this relationship to be more long term then you would presume that the name of the mother of his children would come up in conversation at least.

After four months I would have expected to have met some of his friends at the very least.... but I would be wondering why he is so absent on social media while she is completely public. Those two scenarios are completely at odds with each other.

My money is on the daughter being from an affair, as thumbs mentioned. I know a family which has a similar set up.

it depends how he's mentioned them -" I am seeing my 2 boys at the weekend" is different to "i have 2 kids only".

I’m divorced, I have DC and I’ve chatted about how sometimes DC don’t want to go and see their Dad - it’s not an uncommon situation. If that was the reason he could have mentioned it then.

We haven’t done the meeting mutual friends thing yet, it’s still early days. He seems very connected with his wider family who he sees a reasonable amount of. One of his siblings has an adopted child, so that’s not a tricky topic and I’ve told him I’m adopted- so again I can’t see that as the issue.

If it is a cousin who for some reason lived with the family from birth and was referred to as daughter in the ex-wife’s posts - why wouldn’t that be mentioned?!

Sorry- so much going through my mind.

Surely new partners daughter? So a step daughter? Or do the photos go back more than 6 years?

and even if the daughter is from an affair - if she is 10-13 and he has raised her for that long with his wife, denying her existence is strange. Most people would say they had 3 kids in this circumstance and try not to treat the non bio child as some sort of outcast.

You could ask him at a suitable moment if he ever wanted a daughter.
I do know men who barely mention their daughters but bang on about their sons.

Maybe his wife is raising her sisters child as the niece cant live with her biological mother. It accounts for the family resemblance and again, is more common than you think. He wouldn't be lying in this scenario. Id suggest as the lack of trust is apparent and your need to know everything just a few months in is also apparent - I'd suggest you let this guy go.

Photos go back more than six years

if you feel the need for such stalking and immediately jump to conclusions, it is not looking good imo

The relationship is over.

Either on your say so because he lied or his because you’ve told him you’ve gone through his ex wife’s photos and are accusing him of having a third child.

Sorry to be macabre but one possible explanation is that the girl has died. I know most bereaved parents would say they had 3 children, 2 living, but he may not want to open up about the bereavement yet and so has simplified his story. Of course I truly hope that isn't the reason.

Could she be his second wife ?

Why is it stalking? At work we check the social media of job applicants. It’s just looking - you’re not intruding on privacy or hanging around outside someone’s home - you’re just looking at publicly displayed information.

I consider it background checking which is sensible to do on someone. In the old days you’d have asked around if your friends knew them etc but with OLD you don’t have that option.

tribpot I thought the same.