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Original poster

An Undisclosed Child - WTAF?!!!!!!!

321 replies

MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 10:57

I’ve NC to try not to out myself.

Been dating and starting a relationship with a man for 4 months. Met through online dating. Have taken things steadily and everything going well. Seemed honest, normal, self-deprecating, considerate and lots of other good things.

He said he’s been single since he & his ex split 6 years ago, with 2 boys he sees every 2nd weekend. Seems like a good dad, doing the usual, normal stuff you’d expect.

He’s on Linkedn but not other forms of social media, so I haven’t been able to do background digging. Anyhow found his ex-wife (after he said her first name rather than just referring to her as ‘the-ex’) and to my horror there are 3 kids, with a girl appearing in age between the boys. Definitely a sibling. I know ive got the right family, as I’ve seen plenty of photos of the boys.

I suspect this is curtains on our relationship, as this seems like a shocking omission to me, but can anyone throw any light on what the fuck might be going on?! I’m seeing him in a few days and will be asking him but could do with some MN insight.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 12/05/2018 14:36

Have to agree with others, about how stalkerish this is.You sound like a complete nightmare. Relationships are built on trust , and it takes time for a person to share their personal details with some one else. You had no reason to check on the ex- you choose to because you are nosey and untrustworthy. You talk about the dangers of Married Men but you are using that as an excuse . Women are accused of being gold diggers would that give any man the right to go through their financials. If anyone did that to me I would dump his controlling ass and I see no reason to give you a freebie just because your a woman. I hope you do speak to him and he dumps you without answering.

Foodylicious · 12/05/2018 14:42

If it took over 3 years, that easily could have spanned him finding out dd wasn't his but then ex got pg with the next one so they tried to give it a go?

How long ago was the split final.

Are you sure it is?

TheBogWitchIsBack · 12/05/2018 14:47

How odd.
I don't think you seem stalkerish btw. If I'd met a new partner I'd be finding out anything I could about him by however means I could.
I have children and it's my responsibility to not get involved with a weirdo.
I would fb search his ex and not feel bad about it. It's not like you're going through her bins ffs and unless her fb is locked up like Fort Knox then I see nothing wrong.
You've found out you can't trust him.
Job done.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/05/2018 14:47

As pp said, he could have found out later that DD wasn’t his. There are so many reasons.

She could be from the ex’s best friend/sibling who lives next door and do everything together.

You just don’t know so don’t go into that conversation firm that you know he has a daughter. You really don’t know.

loveyoutothemoon · 12/05/2018 15:21

It's only bloody natural to look someone up on Facebook, FFS she was just having a nosy.

NurseButtercup · 12/05/2018 15:26

I haven't read all pp but I completely understand why you did the "digital digging" for information. When you meet people via OLD you only have two things to judge a person's character; your gut instinct and their word. There are a lot of liars and fuckwits lurking via OLD, I won't bother to regale you with my disastrous encounters.

So far his words and your gut instinct have indicated that he's a good man, but this revelation, quite rightly has sent you into a tail-spin. I don't think you should decide to end the relationship until you know the full story behind the girl, who may or may not be his daughter.

My advice is be direct - take a screenshot and send it to him with the question "who is this little girl?".

His response/reaction will help you determine your next steps. I hope this leads to a positive outcome.

Good luck Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/05/2018 15:28

As has been said, if the DD is the product of an affair, the exW might have kept this completely secret, or not even have known herself; this happens. It may have come to light through medical tests - this also happens. I used to work in a lab that tested certain blood markers and every now and then we'd find a child of a family whose markers didn't match the rest. This made for interesting reporting.
And, if this happened in this instance, then it may well have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.

GeorgeTheHippo · 12/05/2018 15:30

I suspect she won't see him following the split

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 12/05/2018 15:33

I know somebody that had two kids, broke up, she got pregnant by somebody else, they got back together then she got pregnant again, so they have two between them then she has somebody else’s then another between them so it is plausible...

TheVanguardSix · 12/05/2018 15:35

You just need to ask him. And that's all there is to it.

holasoydora · 12/05/2018 15:37

Facebook stalking is entirely acceptable when with someone new. And (not RTFT) but not the same as going through someone's financials Hmm

I googled DH when we got together. I discovered him on an Alan Partridge lookalike website... not quite the same but he didn't mind at all that I had done it. Why wouldn't you?

No advice about the third child. It sounds like the start of a novel. (unhelpful).

Loandbeholdagain · 12/05/2018 15:40

I think the most likely explanation is that the girl isn’t his and was the product of an affair, he forgave and moved on and she continued affair or had subsequent affairs...

pigpoglet · 12/05/2018 15:41

How weird !

loveyoutothemoon · 12/05/2018 15:42

TheFuckface yes that's probably the most likely story.

And to the person suggesting it's the same as going through someone's financials, get real Shock Shock Shock

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 15:43

Thank you, so many useful insights and perspectives. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2018 15:47

I don't "do" social media so I don't know the etiquette, but I would have thought the father would be grateful to be warned that his ex-wife has a whole load of information about their children on an open page for the world to see. She may not realise she's left it like that - non-savvy, or a setting changed without notification.

theredjellybean · 12/05/2018 15:52

have you thought that maybe the little girl in the photos has maybe died ?
I hate to sound morbid but maybe its a very sad reason why they broke up and maybe he just wouldnt feel comfortable telling someone new about it ?

Is there new pics of the two brothers and this girl ?
maybe it is his daughter and maybe she wont see him and its really messy..i can see why someone might not wnat to tell a new date that..

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 12/05/2018 15:58

My advice is be direct - take a screenshot and send it to him with the question "who is this little girl?".

His response/reaction will help you determine your next steps. I hope this leads to a positive outcome.

Good luck

Bloody hell, if after only 4 months a new partner (who once you get initial meeting and dating out the way is actually a "partner" for an even shorter time) sent me a picture from my ex's facebook profile demanding who a child was, even if I had nothing to hide, that new partner would be out on his ear and I would be thanking my lucky stars they exposed the crazy early on!

All this oh so innocent act "I only looked at a public profile" means nothing. It is hardly like it just fell into your lap. You searched for her and then have gone back through over 6 years worth of pictures.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/05/2018 15:58

It's the ex wife's step daughter clearly.

Alfiemoon1 · 12/05/2018 16:00

How old are the pics maybe the daughter has passed away

loveyoutothemoon · 12/05/2018 16:01

OP said it was a very recent photo.

Original poster
MrsRichardDeVere · 12/05/2018 16:07

The undeclared child is not dead as far as I can tell- plenty of recent photos.

I’m not sure how it can be a step child, as the approx age and subsequent sibling suggests it’s while BF was still married to ex-wife.

OP posts:
mickeymacca · 12/05/2018 16:08

I don't think you will come out of this well OP. Its not like he said he has no kids. There must surely be a good reason. I'd wait if I were you.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 12/05/2018 16:08

You do realise that because you stalked her profile you'll more than likely come up on her People You May Know?

So if she knows your name, she's going to know her ex's new partner is viewing her profile and probably tell him anyway...

theredjellybean · 12/05/2018 16:12

OP - i disagree with others saying you sound stalkerish etc, in this day and age when most people use/have some form of social media prescence and many of us meet online, i think doing a bit of on line researching is prudent .
If i was you i'd own up to BF, do it in a slightly sheepish way ...id say ' look lovely BF, i was a little bit curious about you and also in this day and age meeting people on line i like to know a bit about them to keep myself safe, and did a bit of on line looking , i found your ex-wife fb page, and i know i probably shouldnt have but i am only human and i had a look. Your boys are gorgeous by the way , but i wondered who the little girl is in all the photos ?..sorry i know it looks like i am mad bunny boiler woman, i am really not..but now a bit curious about the little girl?'

honesty best policy,